How much of an influence has your partner had on your choices in life?

Minevah

I'm not sure if this thread is suited to Ladies Longue (Please move if necessary!)

I'm in a reflective mood today....I've been in a relationship now for 2 years, my first long term relationship and we are currently living together.
When i think about our relationship, it surprises me how much I have incorporated this person into my life and how much they are a part of it and their influence (outwardly or subtle) over choices I have made regarding different aspects of my life and where it has led me to.

What impact/influence has your partner had on your job choices, educational choices or hobbies etc?

Kooli

Hmmmm...
I was settled into a career before we met, so I don't know how much of an influence he has had on the actual direction of my life. But he has definitely influenced me.

Three ways that jump out at me are that I exercise more, I cook from scratch, and I don't sleep in as often.
They may seem like small things, but I actually think they're a big deal.

Princess Peach

I was only with my boyfriend about 6 months when I made the decision to go to college in Canada this year. I am 24, so these kind of decisions are important for me to benefit my future. There was a possibility of me finishing in August, and I was thrilled at the possibility of getting home to him earlier. But the work load was too much for me so I thought it best for my education to stay on for another 4 months to finish my masters.

As for careers I will look for a job in Dublin early next year so we can be together, but if I don't get anything that will be good for me I'm not going to stay there for the sake of it. Hopefully if I had to move away though it would be possible for him to come too

So in a way I put my education and career first, but I involve him in every decision and make sure it won't negatively affect our relationship. And I would never give up an opportunity that would be amazing for me for a relationship. And a relationship that stands in the way of something like that, maybe wasn't worth it. My boyfriend has been so supportive of me, and he is happy for me because its what is good for my life, even if I did move away!

Stheno

I'm older than an lot of you here,(38) and I'd phrase the thread title differently, I'd ask "do you consider the impact of your life/career choices on your partner"?

I didn't before and I guess I stayed in a relationship longer than I should have as my choice to be away from home with work meant the relationship survived longer than it should have due to the band aid of our not being together all of the time.

Recently, my decisions about my life include the question of "how will it impact us?"

In the last six months, I've been away from home for at least six weeks, of which I've had at least two weeks twice where I am away continuously.

That means missing family occasions, sporting events that were special to us, family events we liked to mark with special treats, and freaking lonely weekends.

I used focus on me, and consider how it impacted just me, until my partner recently said he found it very hard to not have me lounging on the couch or having a glass of wine, or making the off the cuff decision to go out.

So, I learned to consider him, and in doing so, realised I deserve a life. I'm jobhunting now, my current job sees me being away from home for two out of every four weeks for at least seven months.

I'll hate it, my partner will hate it, and it's not worth the damage to our relationship.

Sure there is skype and phone, and online shopping so he has his coke to take to bed, but living a sort of half life while it's something I might tolerate is something that affects him greatly, and affects his children too.

I'd much prefer those small private moments that we will cherish, small family meals when we smile at his daughter who has allergies confidently ordering from a menu, the fun of a family occasion and the acceptance of your foibles, to anything I will achieve in my career. There is a lot to be achieved in life, from a small smile to a stranger, to meeting people in your locality, and being around to support your family.

I don't currently have a job that allows me to live, and it's something I'm actively looking to change.

I got offered a new job today, and regardless of the pay or conditions, I said to my OH, I'll be home most of the time minus a day or two, and while he loves me and doesn't want to restrict me, I know he would love that. But I also need to consider that he wants to move roles in the next twelve months, so I have to consider that new job in light of us, will we have enough to live on etc.
I'd love to be home all the time, I'm lucky and can get a job that will allow that, his children would, it would be good for us all.

It was a tough tough lesson to learn and it took me years

My partner by the way would never ever restrict me in terms of the job I would take, nor would he point out how bad it is for our little family, he is very supportive and wants me to succeed, but when he is desperately lonely it shows

Goat the dote

Made the choice to get married instead of going back to college. It wasn't put to me as a choice if that makes sense? I just realised myself that I couldn't do both and I wanted marriage first. I hope in the next few years I can save to go to college and do something I want cos I don't want to be in a ****ty job forever

Stheno

Goat the dote wrote: »

Made the choice to get married instead of going back to college. It wasn't put to me as a choice if that makes sense? I just realised myself that I couldn't do both and I wanted marriage first. I hope in the next few years I can save to go to college and do something I want cos I don't want to be in a ****ty job forever

Yeah, it makes perfect sense, you chose a life for you that considered others, knowing your alternative would still be there in a few years?

Princess Peach

Stheno wrote: »

In the last six months, I've been away from home for at least six weeks, of which I've had at least two weeks twice where I am away continuously.

That means missing family occasions, sporting events that were special to us, family events we liked to mark with special treats, and freaking lonely weekends.

It is very hard to be away and missing out of the things! Your choice seemed to be so long term too! I know I am away for a whole year, but its really not that long, compared to you being continuously away for shorter times for the rest of your working career!

Being away this year will be really good for me, but some people can't have a relationship where that goes on forever, so compromises do have to be made sometimes. I really do hope we can find somewhere for us both to live and work next year!

Goat the dote wrote: »

Made the choice to get married instead of going back to college. It wasn't put to me as a choice if that makes sense? I just realised myself that I couldn't do both and I wanted marriage first. I hope in the next few years I can save to go to college and do something I want cos I don't want to be in a ****ty job forever

To me this isn't really choosing one of the other if you have the opportunity to do it later! Hope it works out for you And I don't think there can be a right or wrong choices here as long as you were happy to be married, it was the right thing for you to do.

Stheno

Princess Peach wrote: »

It is very hard to be away and missing out of the things! Your choice seemed to be so long term too! I know I am away for a whole year, but its really not that long, compared to you being continuously away for shorter times for the rest of your working career!

My choice evolved as my company expanded out of Ireland and expected their staff to accomodate that expansion.

Sadly I work in a very very specialised area with a lot of opportunities, so my company may lose me, I will miss working there hugely, but not the impact on my life.

I hope you find a way to be together too!

eviltwin

We're married and have children so it goes without saying anything I do has to be done with them in mind but that works both ways. I respect my husbands feedback on things, he's a good friend so I will always run things by him. He's a great champion of me too and where I can be a bit nervous about making big decisions he will often give me the courage to go for it. When you're in a relationship with someone for the long haul you have to take your partner into consideration.

CathyMoran

We have always done things together and our life decisions are based on one another and our children (1 and 2). We are a family but we have been through more than most for the age that we are (38), from cancer to miscarriage.

lazygal

I think it depends on when you meet your partner. I never really had a 'proper' boyfriend, so I only had to take myself into account. I travelled a lot, worked abroad, studied a degree I wanted to, did post grad qualifications and bought a house, all on my tod. I used to be a little envious of friends in serious relationships because I always wanted to be in one, but at the same time I feel some of them limited what they did because they had to take a partner into account.
I met my husband just over three years ago. We got engaged and moved in after a year, married a few months later and just had our first baby. So I've had a huge serious of changes since I met him. Has he influenced my life? Absolutely. Apart from a summer sharing an apartment, I had lived on my own for a good while and when I moved in with him i certainly had to make some major adjustments as I was used to doing everything my way. He has been a good influence on me, I am more definite about going back to do further study and persue a few other ambitions, because he's made me feel I can do anything I put my mind to.
Had I met my husband when I was younger and still in the college/party stage of my life, I'm not sure I would have felt them same about his influence. I don't think I would have WANTED a partner to influence me, I needed and wanted to find my own way in the crucial early twenties phase.

Princess Peach

I agree lazygal. I would consider this my first serious relationship, which I started at 23. I'm already pretty well travelled and I went away a few times with friends last year too.

I have a couple of friends who are my age and in long term relationships. One in particular spoke to me about how jealous she is of me being able to travel and study abroad, she had a chance for an internship in the states herself but passed up. Her reason for not getting away like me is she couldn't leave her boyfriend. I try not to judge a relationship or a persons choices, just how she seemed kinda sad about it (plus I know her boyfriend is a possessive prick) I just know for me I don't want to have any regrets or resentment when I am older and choose to settle down.

Acoshla

He supported me when I was being bullied and was ill and miserable and no company for him, he got me through some of the toughest and darkest months of my life. He let me set up a business in his house which dominates two rooms and sets boundaries on what he can do in his own home and when, he is my absolute skivvy when I need help with any aspect of the business and I don't know how he tolerates it.

Because of him I moved to a place I never thought I'd be in that I now love, because of him I got our lovely animals that we adore, he changed my whole life. If it wasn't for him I'd have nothing, not a thing I ever thought I'd say about a guy.

TeletextPear

I moved the length of the country to live with him after a year and a half of long distance (living together two years now) so I guess that's a pretty huge influence. I used the move as an opportunity to do a masters, and I now work from home (but doing the same job I had before the move). Wouldn't change it all for the world though

smallerthanyou

I never really thought about it before but suppose I'm still in Ireland to be with him. I think if we weren't going out I would have gone to London to work at some stage. It wasn't a conscious decision but that said don't regret not going a bit. I love being with him and love being in Dublin.

Yardleys Lavender

My wonderful other half of 14 years never does or has anything that's "good enough".
In every single thing he does and has, he goes that little bit extra to have it better.
It took a few years, but it has started to wear off on me. I like it though. I like to try harder to have/do better than I could. It's a good ethos. I now aim higher. All because of him.

SusieBlue

I really hate what I'm studying at college and I'm almost certain that I wouldn't have the motivation to continue the course if it weren't for him. We want to get married as soon as we graduate so the sooner I get out of college, the better.

We live together, I was laid off last month so he's supporting me financially atm. We always consult each other on decisions and take the other into account. I do think we rely on each other emotionally too much, I get anxious when he goes to work a lot of the time.

I guess he has an influence on most things I do because I know this is a long term relationships with marriage on the horizon so that definitely influences the choices I make. We've been through a lot if you take our age into account, which probably impacts this too.

Minevah

Lots of great stories!

I had been worried that I was losing my independence by letting him be SO much a part of my life! And by letting him be a big sway factor in my decisions...

I've moved cities for him before without hesitation. Now I am now considering going back to college to retrain in a new area, (something I thought I would never do!) and it's mainly because of his support and encouragement so definitely a positive influence in that respect.

woodchuck

Interesting thread!

My partner is definitely a big consideration/influence when it comes to my life choices; and I'm a big consideration for him too. Eg If one of us wanted to move away for work or go back to college, it would have a huge impact on the other person and the relationship in general. How can you NOT consider the other person??

This is something I get very defensive about, because the area I'm working in is very big on having international work experience and I feel I constantly have to justify myself for not applying for work outside of Ireland. Most of my friends (who work in the same field) and colleagues look at me like I've ten heads for not jumping at or seeking out such an 'opportunity'. I literally have ONE friend who genuinely 'gets it' and is in the same boat (in a long term relationship and OH is not a position to leave the country easily).

Luckily I'm not keen to live and work abroad anyway; it is something I fear though with the economy the way it is atm though. If I had to move away for work it would be devastating for our relationship (I don't know if either of us could handle long distance).

I don't know about anybody else, but I get the message from a lot of other females that I 'shouldn't let my man hold me back'... you know, that kind of feminist vibe? It makes me feel 'guilty' for not just going ahead and doing what I want/need to do without considering him first. But I don't think there's anything wrong with it... he does the same for me! To me feminism is about equality, not doing what you want to spite your man... sorry, getting a little off topic now :P

Polloloca

In the past I would have told him everything, and would usually take his advice on things because he was much smarter than me. He never really held me back from doing things I wanted to do, and even when I made wrong decisions, he would be there to pick up the pieces. So, I would say he was a major influence in my life.

Now though, I wouldn't rely on anyone to that extent ever again. From now on, I will paddle my own canoe and just do what I want to do, make my own mistakes and deal with it myself.

Stheno

woodchuck wrote: »

This is something I get very defensive about, because the area I'm working in is very big on having international work experience and I feel I constantly have to justify myself for not applying for work outside of Ireland. Most of my friends (who work in the same field) and colleagues look at me like I've ten heads for not jumping at or seeking out such an 'opportunity'. I literally have ONE friend who genuinely 'gets it' and is in the same boat (in a long term relationship and OH is not a position to leave the country easily).

Luckily I'm not keen to live and work abroad anyway; it is something I fear though with the economy the way it is atm though. If I had to move away for work it would be devastating for our relationship (I don't know if either of us could handle long distance).

I don't know about anybody else, but I get the message from a lot of other females that I 'shouldn't let my man hold me back'... you know, that kind of feminist vibe? It makes me feel 'guilty' for not just going ahead and doing what I want/need to do without considering him first. But I don't think there's anything wrong with it... he does the same for me! To me feminism is about equality, not doing what you want to spite your man... sorry, getting a little off topic now :P

My job has evolved so that I'm now looking at spending 50% of my time for two weeks including two weekends at a time away from home every month for the next eight months.

It's happened recently and this is the third of such trips. It's lonely, my personal and family life is out the window, my brothers and sisters no longer bother to invite me to family events assuming that I won't be in the country, and in three trips, I've missed an important sporting event, two family (brothers and sisters) celebrations, my partners sons birthday, and as I'm in a non English speaking country, most of the Olympics apart from what I've picked up via news/streams.

As I'm in a different time zone, I tend to finish my work here and then work on Irish time, and as I'm in the Mediterrean, colleagues seem to think it's a holiday for me to put my life on hold two weeks at a time.

I loathe it, I hate seeing my partner feeling down as I'm not going to be around, I hate hearing second hand about events, I hate going to bed when it's 9pm Irish time due to the difference, there is not one single positive to it as far as I am concerned.

That feminist vibe thing you are talking about is bull****, in my work we scheduled people based on their family commitments and as a person with no husband/kids, I'm fairly low down the totem pole in terms of who doesn't get sent where.

There is a balance, people deserve a life, and a happy home life, not to be flung from a to b with no consideration. I'll most likely leave my job as a result of this lack of balance, in conjunction with a couple of other issues, but seeing my partner nearly in tears at the airport last week as I left once again on a Saturday, having arranged his kids to reschedule when they were around so he'd have the most company is not something I'm willing to do anymore.

I am extremely lucky that I work in a very specialised area and will not have trouble finding another role (I've one provisionally offered to me), but the ruination of a partnership should not be something to strive for to be successful at a career.

When you are old and ill and infirm, will the job or the partner be with you?

woodchuck

Stheno wrote: »

That feminist vibe thing you are talking about is bull****, in my work we scheduled people based on their family commitments and as a person with no husband/kids, I'm fairly low down the totem pole in terms of who doesn't get sent where.

I meant I get that vibe from female friends of mine who are in the same line of work, not from my superiors at work. These are friends who have no commitments tying them down and think I should make the necessary sacrifices to further my career. The line of work I'm in attracts a lot of strong independent women and I always get the impression that considering my partner in my career planning is viewed as a weakness.

Like you said though, it's not my career that I'm going to be worried about when I'm old and infirm. I have my priorities straight; I just hate that I have to justify them. It's gotten to the point that's completely socially acceptable for a woman to choose her career over her love life, but for those of use who prioritise our relationships over career are seriously frowned upon. I'm not saying that's true of everyone, but that has been my experience.

Sorry you're having such a hard time atm btw At least you know you won't have trouble finding another job though. Wish I could say the same. My contract is up at the end of the year and I have no idea what might happen...

Stheno

woodchuck wrote: »

I meant I get that vibe from female friends of mine who are in the same line of work, not from my superiors at work. These are friends who have no commitments tying them down and think I should make the necessary sacrifices to further my career. The line of work I'm in attracts a lot of strong independent women and I always get the impression that considering my partner in my career planning is viewed as a weakness.

Like you said though, it's not my career that I'm going to be worried about when I'm old and infirm. I have my priorities straight; I just hate that I have to justify them. It's gotten to the point that's completely socially acceptable for a woman to choose her career over her love life, but for those of use who prioritise our relationships over career are seriously frowned upon. I'm not saying that's true of everyone, but that has been my experience.

Sorry you're having such a hard time atm btw At least you know you won't have trouble finding another job though. Wish I could say the same. My contract is up at the end of the year and I have no idea what might happen...

It's a shame you are getting that vibe that your colleagues expect you to prioritise your career over your life.

I can't agree it's acceptable to choose your career over your life ( as opposed to love life ) but I've had lots of experience and even in my current job, has disbelief that I'm annoyed that I can't join a six week class, will miss a family occasion as a result of work travel, it seems to be seen as a perk to get to travel!

I'm not having the worst time, I've adjusted and made my decisions and I'm happy that the decisions I've made are best for my life and my partner and his children. As I said already I'm lucky in my job, but family now are my priority.

LegacyUser

I have never had a person who influenced the decisions I made in regards to my life.
Stheno I agree with your plan to leave your job because as you said when your old and infirm will your partner or job be there for you then?
I agree with you that if your single that it is expected that you won't mind traveling or doing extra hours but companies have to realise that you have a life also.
It good that you are working in an area that in time you will be able to get another job in as many people are not in that position.
Your family and partner matter more that a job and the sad thing is that a lot of people don't realise this until it is to late. One of my friend's put her job first for a long period of time. Meanwhile nearly everyone she knew had relationships, got married and had families.
She is now finding it hard to meet someone who wants to get married and have a family.

As one of my friend's said to me work is part of life but not all of life.

The Cool

Like someone else said, my OH is the reason I'm still in Ireland. I studied languages and translation and if I were single, I think I'd be translating for the EU in Brussels or in a French or Spanish speaking country, maybe working in an embassy or something. He is the reason that i didn't. Friends of mine have said that I should go for whatever I want to do and not let a man hold me back, but it's only when you have somebody that means that much to you that you understand that you could have the most amazing job in the most amazing place but if you were separated from them you'd be miserable nonetheless.

That said, if I were single and doing something like that, now at the age of 23 I'd still be living with randomers etc and not sharing a lovely house with a lovely fella and getting spoonies at bedtime!

borderlinemeath

My partner has transformed my life and I think I have certainly influenced him as well. We're together 12+ years and before I met him I was stuck in a dead end job that I hated and had no real direction in life.

Within the first 6 months of meeting him I changed jobs, learned how to drive, moved house and generally became a happier person. Within a year I had bought my own house which gave me a huge amount of security as I had a fairly scattered family with no 'home' anywhere. He managed to do this with some confidence building and gentle prodding that gave me the strength to realise I could be and do whatever I wanted if I tried hard enough.

Almost 2 years ago I went through some hassle at work, (long story but ended in me getting fired for standing up to underhanded tactics in a family company). Instead of telling me to run with the herd, keep my head down and try and keep my job, he told me to stand up for myself, tell the truth, do what I thought was right. He would support me mentally and financially and we would work something out. --> Now I'm just finished retraining in an area I love (and barely consider 'work') and am about to set up my own business. I'm not as comfortable financially but I couldn't be happier mentally and that's all that really matters. There's not a chance that I would have considered doing any of it without him supporting me.

daenerysstormborn3

Stheno wrote: »

That feminist vibe thing you are talking about is bull****, in my work we scheduled people based on their family commitments and as a person with no husband/kids, I'm fairly low down the totem pole in terms of who doesn't get sent where.

This drives me mad in my job. When my boyfriend's father was still alive, we had to have a strict schedule so that he was never left on his own because (a) he hated being on his own, he loved company, and (b) if anything were to happen to him (he suffered from nose bleeds which 9 times out of 10 resulted in hospitalisation) he needed someone there who knew his health problems, his tablets and just knew him and knew if something was wrong but because he wasn't a child, I regularly arrived home 1-2 hours late, without even being offered the opportunity to ring my boyfriend to let him know I was going to be late, I always had to insist on making the phone call. I have regularly been told in work that the women (it's an all female office) with children get preference when it is school holiday time regardless of who asks for time off first and nothing is written in our contract/employee handbook which states this. I have also been asked to stay late and finish off someone elses work because she has to get home to her kids. Of course the women with children keep their heads down and pretend it's a great job because they have things so handy. It drives me bonkers!

Back to the original OP. I suppose my boyfriend has influenced my life a lot. When we started seeing each other I was living in Dublin and we only saw each other once a month for 2-3 days at a time because of his college commitments and the fact that he was sole carer for his father. When the time came for us to make a decision on whether we wanted to live together, our only option was for me to move in with my boyfriend and his father. It was daunting, I won't lie. I went from nearly 6 years of living on my own to living with two men, one of whom was elderly and very sick. Obviously when I moved in it was a given that I would help with my boyfriend's dad. It was never asked of me, it was something I did freely. So I suppose my boyfriend's dad also had a huge influence on my choices too.

I was lucky in a way that I had two people supporting me and wanting what was best for me because I was unemployed for 3 months when I first moved down here and I couldn't have gotten through that and found a job without their help.

My boyfriend's dad changed me in certain ways when I was looking after him. I wasn't a selfish person before but because I had lived on my own for so long, I was used to looking after number one and being the only person with a say. I suppose my boyfriend's dad helped me learn to compromise more. My boyfriend and I basically gave up the first 2.5 years of our relationship to his dad and it wasn't one bit difficult. It was unfortunate that we couldn't do what most new couples do regularly, nights out, eating out, cinema etc. but we just got used to it and made our own situation feel normal. We always used to say that there were three people in our relationship.

My boyfriend's selfless choice to give up his own life and move back home to look after his dad has made me look at men completely differently. I am definitely more receptive to trusting men, whereas before that was a serious problem for me. This has helped me immensely in my job and in my everyday life and it has helped me do things I wouldn't have done before.

I never thought that I'd live outside Dublin or a big city. I never thought I'd live with a boyfriend ever again. I never thought I'd be capable of looking after someone when they were sick. I know people say that it's something they would do willingly but it's a completely different story when you're actually doing it. I never thought I'd plan a future with someone in the way that I have done with my boyfriend.

ShiftStorm

Similar to The Cool, I studied languages in college, have always travelled and spent two years abroad in France and Spain. My husband is afraid of flying so he is always very reluctant to travel. So, that's hard and we rarely go abroad together. If I hadn't met him, I would maybe have emigrated to Canada. We may still do so in a few years time.

In terms of how he has changed me, I guess he has had a good influence on me and vice versa hopefully. We have similar interests and sense of humour, but quite different characters. I am strong, passionate, driven, assertive - he is gentle, patient, thoughtful and generous and I feel our strengths have rub off on each other. We have become more balanced versions of ourselves and as a an occasional bull dozer, I am very glad about that!