How to decide if he/she is 'the one'?

BlatherBob

Hi folks.

Been going out with a girl for the guts of three years now and we recently moved in together. She's in her early 30's while I'm in my mid to late 20's.

We're getting to that point now where I feel she may be expecting a proposal at some point, even though we've never spoken about marriage or kids or anything future-related really.

She has been the fore-runner in the commitment stakes so far e.g. first to say I love you and the one who suggested we move in together and I think she definitely feels this is it.

I find myself thinking a lot (probably too much) about whether she is the one and I have asked a lot of friends about knowing when the one is 'the one'. I get a lot of answers like 'when you know, you know' and 'you should just know it' which I don't really buy. I think a lot of people marry/settle down with the first person because they're afraid of not finding someone else and convince themselves that person is the one.

I know we're living together and in reality I'm probably waiting just to see how that goes but that could on indefinitely and I don't want to wake up some day and regret it. I also want to be fair to her and I have to take into account her age, I'd prefer to be fair to her and end it now if I wasn't sure, rather than in 2/3 years time if I was sure then.

Our relationship is a healthy one though and I wouldn't want to end something just because of my over-analysis. I'm wondering is it just something every person goes through after three/four years, when it comes to deciding on a full commitment?

Any advice is greatly appreciated.

coolcat63

If you have to ask then she isn't the one....

BlatherBob

I appreciate the reply coolcat but that's the kind of cliche that I keep hearing instead of actual advice. Are you saying that at the slightest doubt in any relationship it should be ended??

P. Breathnach

BlatherBob wrote: »

... I have asked a lot of friends about knowing when the one is 'the one'. I get a lot of answers like 'when you know, you know' and 'you should just know it' which I don't really buy....

Neither do I. And I have the credentials, because I have have been in a good marriage for more years than I was single.

Yes, love is important; yes, it is wonderful when you are happier in the presence of a particular person than you are without that person; yes, sexual attraction is at the core of an enduring relationship.

But the less romantic things are also essential: being able to manage the practicalities of life together as a team; respecting one another's individuality; being able to make lives complementary; being tolerant of one another's shortcomings. Most of all, being committed to making things work.

I believe that, to some extent, commitment to another person in the long term is a deliberate choice rather than something that just happens to you. And when you make that choice, you follow through by making the right efforts to make things work.

Piliger

Hi OP. It's only in the movies that this magical "I am in love" thing happens. In real life there is no flash bang moment except in exceptional cases. There is also no formula you can use. It's a combination of things. Being completely happy in their company. Being fulfilled physically. Wanting to be with them and them only for as long into the future as anyone can imagine ... etc.
The important thing here OP is to realise that the vast majority of us feel like you do at this stage. We wonder. We toss it back and forward in our minds. We reflect on our emotions and our needs and our desires and our future. So don't feel like you are failing in any way or slow in any way of different in any way.
Breathnach above is also very right in what he says, and his post is well worth reading a few times ... It is the small things in life that enable you to move from love ... to the contemplation of living together long term and marriage.

dannyc31

imo its 50% a deliberate choice and 50% an unconscious choice. within the each 50% can be contained some of the things you described as in, people making someone "the one" because of the fear of never really finding the one or just a strong sense of wanting to settle down. its not really gonna be the same for everyone and people settle down for many reasons.

i dont actually beleive there is such a thing as "the one" and its more likely that there is "a one" at any particular time i.e that there can be many ones in a life time if you are open to meeting one. you can love more than one person in a life time which is why many people are able to remarry after a break up or worse a bereavement of a spouse.

what i will say to you is you shouldnt be feeling any pressures to be taking all these next steps. did you feel comfortable in the last two situations where she suggested firstly that she loved you and secondly that you should move in together? dont fall for the trick of your mind telling you that its all fine because this is the logical next step, thats true but is it a step you want to be taking right now?

you need to give yourself a break and just let things happen, i can understand your good nature in that you dont wanna feel like you are wasting the girls precious time but you need to be honest with yourself first. if its not right now, then perhaps you're not ready yet and so you should be honest with her. she cant force you to put a ring on her finger and so you can take your time until you are ready. perhaps most of this is in your own head and she is quiet happy the way things are and would be for the next couple of years while you see if you both want to make such a big permanent commitment to each other.

anyway all of this should be something you can talk about with your partner if they truly are someone you would like to settle down with so i would try that if i were you. if you cant talk to her about things like this yet then i would say you are not ready for the next step yet.

just take your time and continue to enjoy the relationship and start communicating more with your partner about any issues or fears you are having. if they are the loving caring partner that you think they are, and want things to work, then they are going to understand and work through those issues with you.

LegacyUser

OP I posted here a long time ago about how I was in a very similar place to yourself. I didn't believe in this 'true love movie BS", my then gf was the one driving us to all the milestones in our relationship, and I was going along with them because we'd been together 4 years, it was time we reached milestone x, y, z.

I saw it as "Sure that's what women are into" and that the man just goes along with it, and that all these people saying things like 'When it's right you will just know it' were just being daft, watching too much Hollywood/TV..

Eventually I got the courage to really evaluate my relationship, more for her sake than mine, as we were hearing more and more hints of "Your wedding will be next" and that really began to scare me, and I realised we'd never sat down and discussed kids as a couple - she would talk to her female friends about kids in the future, but we never really discussed things like that together.

I realised I was becoming very cynical about 'love' and all of that stuff, I was just going along with everything.

Around the same time I got to know a girl through a club we had both joined and though we never cheated or even did anything inappropriate, I found myself developing some level of a 'crush' on her, and beginning to think about the stuff with this new girl that I had previously seen as soppy old romance rubbish, I imagined how my life would be with her, how exciting it could be...

My long term gf and I had a falling out at a friends' wedding 4 and a half years into our relationship with her wanting to know why I hadn't proposed by now, etc. The thought of it really disturbed me, and I took a step back and finally got the courage to end things. It was extremely difficult, with her turning extremely bitter about the whole thing, and to this day, many years on, she still doesn't understand how I could've been unhappy, etc.

But the moment I ended it I felt this huge sigh of relief, without even realising I'd had all this pressure on me.

I felt FREE. I hadn't known I was trapped, but the feeling of freedom was amazing.

I spent about 6 months as a single man but there was only one woman in my mind through that time and eventually I got the courage to ask her out - I had no idea if she felt the same about me. Over three years later we're soon to be married, all of the mile stones came completely naturally with us, we moved in together 3 months after starting dating - everyone said it was ridiculous (especially the ex) but it just *felt right*. Previously, I was moving in with the ex because "Well we've been together 3 years so I suppose I better go along with what she wants now.." and now I look back on that and just shake my head.

I know I will educate our future children about a proper relationship (I can't wait for the day that we have mini creations from the two of us running around the place), and just how 'different' it feels. I click with this woman in a way I never imagined possible. I'm not in a relationship with her for the sake of it, my world would end if anything were to happen to her, I feel sick at the thought of us being apart for an extended period, we don't just drift along together for the ride, we both feel the same and she is a tough independent woman who never previously would've been the "soppy romantic type".

I see so much of myself in what you write. I'm not telling you to end it all, but I would be extremely cautious if I were you - and consider what's fair to her also.

I would most fear ending up in a place 5 or 6 years down the road where you are married with kids and THEN you meet 'the one', someone who you just can't stop thinking about, someone that awakens senses in you that you didn't know you had, and then you're caught in a very tough place. Better overanalyse now than then....

Ellsbells

Why did you move in with the girl when you know it symbolised more to her?

snafuk35

"The one" only exists in trashy novels and crappy romance movies.
In the real world you are taking a risk and that's that.
A relationship or marriage could work out perfectly or not.
When you hit a speed bump you just deal with it.
You could have ended up with any number of other women and she could have ended up with any number of other.
It just so happened you two are together and if you want to stay together you have to work at it.

dannyc31

OP I posted here a long time ago about how I was in a very similar place to yourself. I didn't believe in this 'true love movie BS", my then gf was the one driving us to all the milestones in our relationship, and I was going along with them because we'd been together 4 years, it was time we reached milestone x, y, z.

I saw it as "Sure that's what women are into" and that the man just goes along with it, and that all these people saying things like 'When it's right you will just know it' were just being daft, watching too much Hollywood/TV..

Eventually I got the courage to really evaluate my relationship, more for her sake than mine, as we were hearing more and more hints of "Your wedding will be next" and that really began to scare me, and I realised we'd never sat down and discussed kids as a couple - she would talk to her female friends about kids in the future, but we never really discussed things like that together.

I realised I was becoming very cynical about 'love' and all of that stuff, I was just going along with everything.

Around the same time I got to know a girl through a club we had both joined and though we never cheated or even did anything inappropriate, I found myself developing some level of a 'crush' on her, and beginning to think about the stuff with this new girl that I had previously seen as soppy old romance rubbish, I imagined how my life would be with her, how exciting it could be...

My long term gf and I had a falling out at a friends' wedding 4 and a half years into our relationship with her wanting to know why I hadn't proposed by now, etc. The thought of it really disturbed me, and I took a step back and finally got the courage to end things. It was extremely difficult, with her turning extremely bitter about the whole thing, and to this day, many years on, she still doesn't understand how I could've been unhappy, etc.

But the moment I ended it I felt this huge sigh of relief, without even realising I'd had all this pressure on me.

I felt FREE. I hadn't known I was trapped, but the feeling of freedom was amazing.

I spent about 6 months as a single man but there was only one woman in my mind through that time and eventually I got the courage to ask her out - I had no idea if she felt the same about me. Over three years later we're soon to be married, all of the mile stones came completely naturally with us, we moved in together 3 months after starting dating - everyone said it was ridiculous (especially the ex) but it just *felt right*. Previously, I was moving in with the ex because "Well we've been together 3 years so I suppose I better go along with what she wants now.." and now I look back on that and just shake my head.

I know I will educate our future children about a proper relationship (I can't wait for the day that we have mini creations from the two of us running around the place), and just how 'different' it feels. I click with this woman in a way I never imagined possible. I'm not in a relationship with her for the sake of it, my world would end if anything were to happen to her, I feel sick at the thought of us being apart for an extended period, we don't just drift along together for the ride, we both feel the same and she is a tough independent woman who never previously would've been the "soppy romantic type".

I see so much of myself in what you write. I'm not telling you to end it all, but I would be extremely cautious if I were you - and consider what's fair to her also.

I would most fear ending up in a place 5 or 6 years down the road where you are married with kids and THEN you meet 'the one', someone who you just can't stop thinking about, someone that awakens senses in you that you didn't know you had, and then you're caught in a very tough place. Better overanalyse now than then....

great story. should give us all hope. at the end of the day this can be all summed up by a few self analyzing questions.

1. am i truly happy with this person or just going through the motions?

2. do i see a long term future with this person, getting married having kids, growing old together? if so, do i feel totally at ease and excited about this?

both questions can only be answered truthfully if you are totally honest with yourself and not paying any attention to the bull**** social peer pressures to do x,y & z by a certain time a, b & c.

i love how you say that all those milestones just came naturally, i believe thats how it should be if it is truly right.

OP my advice to you is really read the story above and decide whether it fits your situation or not.

best of luck.

LegacyUser

I think a lot of it really has to do with timing. A poster above mentioned how he was going out with his last gf for 4 yrs, living with her for some of those years, crumbled a bit under the pressure of being asked/pushed where the relationship was going, met another girl, was single for 6 months, moved in with that girl after 3 months of dating....but only now, 3 years later, is he marrying that girl, "the love of his life". Why? Because he's ready, psychologically& emotionally. Timing. Everyone is different, sometimes you want different things at different stages, if you happen to meet someone whose timing dovetails with yours, it's half the battle.
OP, is your gf The One? You really need to sit down with her& discuss things- it's what adults do, it doesn't mean you've lost the romance. I attended eight weddings in the last year- in all cases, the brides knew in advance that a proposal was happening, the future was discussed. Personally the romantic in me would love my OH to take a leap of faith& make the proposal a spur of the moment thing, but in reality, with LTRs being the norm I don't know how realistic that is anymore; "the conversation" generally tends to precede "the proposal" nowadays......What overriding emotion do you feel when you think about the where-is-this-going conversation? Terror/feeling trapped, or security/a sense of ease? There's your answer.

LegacyUser

BlatherBob wrote: »

Hi folks.

Been going out with a girl for the guts of three years now and we recently moved in together. She's in her early 30's while I'm in my mid to late 20's.

We're getting to that point now where I feel she may be expecting a proposal at some point, even though we've never spoken about marriage or kids or anything future-related really.

She has been the fore-runner in the commitment stakes so far e.g. first to say I love you and the one who suggested we move in together and I think she definitely feels this is it.

I find myself thinking a lot (probably too much) about whether she is the one and I have asked a lot of friends about knowing when the one is 'the one'. I get a lot of answers like 'when you know, you know' and 'you should just know it' which I don't really buy. I think a lot of people marry/settle down with the first person because they're afraid of not finding someone else and convince themselves that person is the one.

I know we're living together and in reality I'm probably waiting just to see how that goes but that could on indefinitely and I don't want to wake up some day and regret it. I also want to be fair to her and I have to take into account her age, I'd prefer to be fair to her and end it now if I wasn't sure, rather than in 2/3 years time if I was sure then.

Our relationship is a healthy one though and I wouldn't want to end something just because of my over-analysis. I'm wondering is it just something every person goes through after three/four years, when it comes to deciding on a full commitment?

Any advice is greatly appreciated.

Your post has no emotion or feeling, it is rather cold and distant. I am not sure if it is the overanalysis on your part but the only thing that you state is that your relationship is healthy. It's like you're talking about a collegue from the office or a neighbour. Not someone that you are supposed to be in an intimate relationship with. You have not mentioned if you see a future with her but you are only waiting to see. I'm sorry but what are you waiting for exactly? If you still don't know after three years of being with her, I think this answers your question, OP. I think P. Breathnach & sfsdfdfsf posts explain it best and you can feel the connection when they write about their experiences and significant others. I am sorry, but somehow I don't see that when you write about her. It is almost like she is just there and you are tagging along. I am not trying to be mean but this is what I see from reading your post.

BraziliaNZ

I have some friends at home who allowed themselves to go along with these things as they thought it was expected, they were basically nagged into proposing and pregnancies without their wants and needs ever coming into it. I don't believe they are truly happy with their lot, they were just never brave enough, or more likely they were just too damn lazy to ever do what they actually wanted to do with their lives. And some people have this terrible fear of being alone.
Anyway you don't sound like you're where you want to be, so if I were you I would take a long hard look at things. You should want to get married, and have kids etc. I believe the right person would make you want to initiate those things yourself.
As for "the one", that's a ridiculous idea that I'm pretty sure I heard first in the 90s in Friends. I'm sure you have lots of lifelong friends that you love, a suitable partner is basically a lifelong friend that you love hanging out with but also want to bang, in my opinion.

LegacyUser

OP, there is nothing in your post about how you feel about her.

Do you like her? Do you love her? Do you enjoy spending time with her? Can you imagine spending the rest of your life with her?

I don't believe there is a One either, I believe there are tons of people out there who you *could* have a wonderful life with. I just think that when you meet one of those many people, you'll *want* to be with them, you'll want to move in with them, marry them, etc. Nothing in your post suggests you want to be with this girl, although you may have left that out in order to focus on the issue at hand, which is totally fair

I think you need to ask yourself 'do I want to spend the rest of my life with this person?' and see what the answer is. If the answer is something like 'Yes, but not til I do XY and Z' or 'Yes, but I wish I'd met her five years from now so I'd be in a better place for it!' then maybe the two of you should talk about how you can make it work. If the answer is 'I don't know . . ' then, OP, if you haven't fallen for her in 3 years you're probably not likely to now.

You're right to be asking these questions and I think looking at this stuff is a kind thing to do, both for yourself and for her, so you don't make bad decisions. I wish you both every happiness whatever you decide.

okiss

You are going out with this lady for almost 3 years and she is in her early 30's when you are slightly younger. At this stage you need to think long and hard if you want this relationship to be a long term one. You don't tell us how she makes you feel or how things are going between you.
Have you just drifted along to this stage together as it has been easy to.
Your girlfriend could see you moving in together as a sign that you may propose to her in the next few months or year meanwhile you could be quite happy to have things the way they are.
At this stage you should be having a chat about what you both want in the future - when will you get married, does she want children, will you live were you are at the moment when you get married ect
If she tells you I want to get married soon and have a family before I am 34/35 how would you feel?
Is this some thing you want soon? If you don't want this you need to tell your girlfriend soon so she can decide if long term she want to stay with.

fecalfeliac

I have experience in both. Having successfully failed marriage due to rushing into it....10 years later...Here I go again. My opinion may be biast, however, after discussing it with her in great depth; I don't encourage keeping anything secret, in any attempt to spare her feelings. It is easier to mend a broken heart imo, rather than pick yourself up after a decade and try again. It sounds like she may not have that kind of time on her hands, and like my ex husband, you may have no intention diving into custody battle before you realize your team just lost the super bowl. Talk about it all with her before its 2015 and you're getting grey hairs. communication is intimidating if you let it be. Or it could help plan your retirement. I am a firm believer in it. I wish Id have known about it then. On another more positive note, I am in a relationship now only a year old. We are at the point where we are talking about these same things. I am sensitive to the subject because it isn't easy, yet I've taken so much from my failures and have learned the more you can talk about it and get things in the open the easier it is to evaluate it. I think your thoughts and opinion are totally natural and validated, but marriage is a partnership, you two should share all of the things you have here. that's just me idk

Revand

why would you need "a one" whats the point in this.. wheres the logic in ur question..

fecalfeliac

why would you need "a one" whats the point in this.. wheres the logic in ur question..

why would you not? isnt it as logical as choosing a pair of jorts to wear to go play bingo at the Y.....Just on a larger commitment scale? You may think you rock the jorts but can they make you feel this awesome for the next 50 years? Sure you can just change jorts. Maybe even wear some pants. Either way you'll be exclusive to 'a one' unless you want to participate in multiple trousers at once and that's a whole other thread.