Cheese lyrics or not?

seachto7

I am not a lyric writer. AT ALL. I am all about the guitar, but some feedback on some ramblings would be cool.... I am of the melancholic variety. I also like songs with not a lot of words, but some kind of a message that could hit home, even repeated if necessary.

Idea no 1:

Love don't come around here anymore
I think it's gone to the next town over
And I hear it's having a good time
Well I think it deserves better

A dark cloud moves over the sun
The wind picks up as I bolt the door
I carry on with what I'm doing
I sit and sigh and stare at the floor

Chorus:

I tried, but it's not good enough
I tried, but it's not good enough

I would have major chords and a sweet voice singing this, so it would sound sweet, but be really negative in its message. How do you think people usually take a negative song? Or is that a stupid question?

Another idea, which I think could be cheese infested would be:

You are the one in a million
You are the one for me
You are the ________(something here) sunshine
Eclipsed by the bitter moon of reality

Be my crutch, my blood transfusion,
Be the feeling in my bones
I'm tired, I'm shattered, I'm broken
I guess that's just the way it goes

Chorus:

You're just out of reach
You're just out of reach
.......but I hope.........

Again, I would throw in a hint of cheese, as the a sweet sounding voice, and major chords would give it a generally positive sound, but I like to play with the melancholy, regret, and not quite getting there........................

Stuck Cone

seachto7 wrote: »

I am not a lyric writer. AT ALL. I am all about the guitar, but some feedback on some ramblings would be cool.... I am of the melancholic variety. I also like songs with not a lot of words, but some kind of a message that could hit home, even repeated if necessary.

Idea no 1:

Love don't come around here anymore
I think it's gone to the next town over
And I hear it's having a good time
Well I think it deserves better

A dark cloud moves over the sun
The wind picks up as I bolt the door
I carry on with what I'm doing
I sit and sigh and stare at the floor

Chorus:

I tried, but it's not good enough
I tried, but it's not good enough

I would have major chords and a sweet voice singing this, so it would sound sweet, but be really negative in its message. How do you think people usually take a negative song? Or is that a stupid question?

Another idea, which I think could be cheese infested would be:

You are the one in a million
You are the one for me
You are the ________(something here) sunshine
Eclipsed by the bitter moon of reality

Be my crutch, my blood transfusion,
Be the feeling in my bones
I'm tired, I'm shattered, I'm broken
I guess that's just the way it goes

Chorus:

You're just out of reach
You're just out of reach
.......but I hope.........

Again, I would throw in a hint of cheese, as the a sweet sounding voice, and major chords would give it a generally positive sound, but I like to play with the melancholy, regret, and not quite getting there........................

Heres some mad lyrics im going to come up with after taking some pot, il be back in a while ok

Stuck Cone

FOrgive me for grabbing your arse
but it looked so tashty from where i was
Watching you and fiddled my diddle

A few drinks later you can say baby
Baby can i shift you too0ooonuigghhttt?
Maby if i told you id cook you
A rasher
When we got home

YAAAAAAAAAAA (THA WHO STYLE)

DA DA DAH DAD DADA

I TRIED SO HAARRDD
and got so far
in the end i didnt even shiiiiifttt her (LINKIN PARK SHTYLE)

I just wanna make looveee to youuuu
lovee to you
monkey looveee to you

i stare at the floor
Looking at the turd
wondering did i do that
i tried and its not good enough
one of those half arsed tries
because you were too lazy

seachto7

Stuck Cone

Cringe! sorry i took a shot of weed last night and thats all i came up with!

seachto7

are mine really that bad then?

Stuck Cone

seachto7 wrote: »

are mine really that bad then?

No i just got weeded for the craic last night and thats what i came up with! Your lyrics are the kind that some tit who brings a guitar to a house party to show off his skills would sing, i remember when i started college in 07 toolheads taking their guitar to every party ruining it with Kings of Leon, permabanned from my houses anyway

seachto7

Thanks for the constructive criticism!

Stuck Cone

seachto7 wrote: »

Thanks for the constructive criticism!

Less Kings of Leon more of your one who sang its too late baby its too late though we really did try to make it, carole something

seachto7

ah right, I'll look it up. I fecking hate the KOL anyhow....

Adela123

Love them both really nice. i write songs and I really love the lyrics.. For __________ sunshine what about morning sunshine or sweet sunshine??/ Just a suggestion. Best of luck.

seachto7

cool, I was getting paranoid after the stoner cut me down lol!! might even get someone to sing them, a female maybe, I'll record everything else...

9959

seachto7 wrote: »

?...m

Another idea, which I think could be cheese infested would be:

You are the one in a million
You are the one for me
You are the ________(something here) sunshine
Eclipsed by the bitter moon of reality


..................

You are the one in a million
You are the one for me
You are the CALVITA sunshine
Eclipsed by the bitter moon of reality

Hope this helps. Good luck to you!