Alcoholic wife, don't know if marriage can survive

Soaring hawk

Wife is an alcoholic she hasn't drank in 3 months, relationship is difficult. Just wondering if anyone else has gone tru this and how did u deal with this

Jenneke87

No personal experience myself but do you recieve any help atm? Being the partner of a (recovering) alcoholic is no easy thing and you shouldnt be dealing with this one your own. Try and find support groups and all other aid you need for you and your wife.

I wish you the best of luck.

Soaring hawk

Jenneke87 wrote: »

No personal experience myself but do you recieve any help atm? Being the partner of a (recovering) alcoholic is no easy thing and you shouldnt be dealing with this one your own. Try and find support groups and all other aid you need for you and your wife.

I wish you the best of luck.

Thanks,wife is in aa ,I tried alanon might try it again.going to go for marriage counselling to try and save marriage

P. Breathnach

I think alanon is your best bet.

Yes, if she has had a major drink problem and is still in the early days of trying to overcome it, she and you could both be under severe pressure at the moment. You can reasonably hope that if she succeeds in keeping things under control, your relationship might improve.

It's often the spouse of an alcoholic who gives up first. Credit to you for hanging in there and trying to fix things.

LegacyUser

My wife hasn't had a drink in over 2+ years. It still seems a short time ago since she was a staggering mess dragging the entire family down.

I'm proud of her achievments; her work has taken her places now that she is focused, she has added qualifications to her name, she has developed a whole network of new friends where previously she had none, she looks great, is more independant, stronger and fun.

The down side is that I still have to work at getting my head around all that as I'm sometimes stuck back in an old way of thinking.
Al-anon has been a great help. It helped me to get over my resentments and anger I had buried as a result of all her previous behaviours.

Our life together is still lacking a degree of intimacy but that is being worked on. The main thing is to voice concerns as they arise so that issues don't fester and become something else or bigger than they are. Keeping the lines of communication open is still something that we have to work at.

Its a hard road, a long road, and sometimes a lonely road. But its the one that we are on by our own choice; together. The relationship with the kids for both of us is great. She had to rebuild that from scratch (something else I have to give her a great deal of credit for).

We had counselling together and seperatly. It does take work to rebuild and fill a gap with worthwhile living that drinking used to fill.

Hang in there and support her, encourage her and let her know how much you appreciate her efforts to stay sober. Find different hobbies and interests you can share together if possible.
Don't be dependant on her, just as you encourage her to stand on her own two feet. Develope your life into something better for you. If your life is better then you have more to share.

Its a bit like love; the more love that you give to people, the more love you have left to give.

Good luck

Soaring hawk

Been there, done that wrote: »

My wife hasn't had a drink in over 2+ years. It still seems a short time ago since she was a staggering mess dragging the entire family down.

I'm proud of her achievments; her work has taken her places now that she is focused, she has added qualifications to her name, she has developed a whole network of new friends where previously she had none, she looks great, is more independant, stronger and fun.

The down side is that I still have to work at getting my head around all that as I'm sometimes stuck back in an old way of thinking.
Al-anon has been a great help. It helped me to get over my resentments and anger I had buried as a result of all her previous behaviours.

Our life together is still lacking a degree of intimacy but that is being worked on. The main thing is to voice concerns as they arise so that issues don't fester and become something else or bigger than they are. Keeping the lines of communication open is still something that we have to work at.

Its a hard road, a long road, and sometimes a lonely road. But its the one that we are on by our own choice; together. The relationship with the kids for both of us is great. She had to rebuild that from scratch (something else I have to give her a great deal of credit for).

We had counselling together and seperatly. It does take work to rebuild and fill a gap with worthwhile living that drinking used to fill.

Hang in there and support her, encourage her and let her know how much you appreciate her efforts to stay sober. Find different hobbies and interests you can share together if possible.
Don't be dependant on her, just as you encourage her to stand on her own two feet. Develope your life into something better for you. If your life is better then you have more to share.

Its a bit like love; the more love that you give to people, the more love you have left to give.

Good luck

Will try alanon,I know I'm very resentful and angry towards her.marriage has not been good for years maybe when drink is not involved it will get better

LegacyUser

Soaring hawk wrote: »

Thanks,wife is in aa ,I tried alanon might try it again.going to go for marriage counselling to try and save marriage

This is the best route to go on. But I suggest that you both need counselling alone and together. Al-anon is good for support and camaraderie. You can connect with others going through the same and they inform you what to expect during the recovery process and how to handle the changes. I am not sure how long she has been abusing alcohol but it takes time to adjust to these changes of before during and after the addiction.

As for your wife, it will take time her to be more comfortable in her newfound sobriety. She will need your support and compassion. Three months is a big accomplishment and they are the hardest.

For you, it will also take time to rebuild and regain that trust that was lost during your wife's active addiction and I know you were probably hurt. This is why it is important for you to attend counselling sessions too. Sometimes it is easier to blame the alcoholic because they chose to drink and because of this some partners and other loved ones "don't feel that they need counselling" which in fact is further from the truth. Now that the alcohol is out of her life does not mean that the problems are simply going to disappear and things will improve immediately. They take time, patience and perseverance.

If you both work with a good counsellor and are honest and upfront with each other during therapy, you both will get through this.

Soaring hawk

alanonandtherapy wrote: »

Soaring hawk wrote: »

Thanks,wife is in aa ,I tried alanon might try it again.going to go for marriage counselling to try and save marriage

This is the best route to go on. But I suggest that you both need counselling alone and together. Al-anon is good for support and camaraderie. You can connect with others going through the same and they inform you what to expect during the recovery process and how to handle the changes. I am not sure how long she has been abusing alcohol but it takes time to adjust to these changes of before during and after the addiction.

As for your wife, it will take time her to be more comfortable in her newfound sobriety. She will need your support and compassion. Three months is a big accomplishment and they are the hardest.

For you, it will also take time to rebuild and regain that trust that was lost during your wife's active addiction and I know you were probably hurt. This is why it is important for you to attend counselling sessions too. Sometimes it is easier to blame the alcoholic because they chose to drink and because of this some partners and other loved ones "don't feel that they need counselling" which in fact is further from the truth. Now that the alcohol is out of her life does not mean that the problems are simply going to disappear and things will improve immediately. They take time, patience and perseverance.

If you both work with a good counsellor and are honest and upfront with each other during therapy, you both will get through this.

The drinking and the crazy behaviour has been there for 10 years knowing it was alcoholism for 5.i have been told so many lies I used to think I was to blame and I would apologise to her not knowing what I was apologising for.we have three kids and she drank in front of them. I know it was the addiction but does that absolve her of all responsibility for her actions .im just so fed up

LegacyUser

Soaring hawk wrote: »

The drinking and the crazy behaviour has been there for 10 years knowing it was alcoholism for 5.i have been told so many lies I used to think I was to blame and I would apologise to her not knowing what I was apologising for.we have three kids and she drank in front of them. I know it was the addiction but does that absolve her of all responsibility for her actions .im just so fed up

This is a part of the way that one persons drinking can affect another. This is the anger and resentment that you can harbour which is distructive to you.

Resentment is like taking poison and hoping the other person suffers. You are holding onto pain, taking it out and looking at it all the time, and all the time the addict is busy with their recovery and looking at the now.

You have to learn to come to terms with the fact that bad stuff happened and you can't forget but you have to learn to forgive before you too can move along. You can't change the past but you can shape your present and therefore your future. Forgive her and forgive yourself for your part in any of all the madness, either by action or inaction.
Just let it go. Work on what you now have - a sober wife.

Put the pain and hurt away and look at the good things. Accept things as they are and focus on your kids and your wellbeing. Your wife will be busy doing this very thing as a part of her recovery.

All the above is bloody hard to do. It requires work. You will make mistakes; slipping into an old way of thinking, feeding your anger, holding onto your resentment. Accept it, stop it and move on.

Continue to get as much help as you can.

Good Luck

LegacyUser

Been there, done that wrote: »

This is a part of the way that one persons drinking can affect another. This is the anger and resentment that you can harbour which is distructive to you.

Resentment is like taking poison and hoping the other person suffers. You are holding onto pain, taking it out and looking at it all the time, and all the time the addict is busy with their recovery and looking at the now.

You have to learn to come to terms with the fact that bad stuff happened and you can't forget but you have to learn to forgive before you too can move along. You can't change the past but you can shape your present and therefore your future. Forgive her and forgive yourself for your part in any of all the madness, either by action or inaction.
Just let it go. Work on what you now have - a sober wife.

Put the pain and hurt away and look at the good things. Accept things as they are and focus on your kids and your wellbeing. Your wife will be busy doing this very thing as a part of her recovery.

All the above is bloody hard to do. It requires work. You will make mistakes; slipping into an old way of thinking, feeding your anger, holding onto your resentment. Accept it, stop it and move on.

Continue to get as much help as you can.

Good Luck

+1

You need counselling too, OP. This is why I suggested individual and couples therapy. The individual counselling will help you learn to move on. Let go of the past and live for the present and future. The past is what is holding you back. I know this is all easier said than done. Right now you are still holding onto it and this is not going to make things easier for you AND your wife.

Please read the above post a few times. That poster is spot on.

There is a quote that explains this very well; "love the sinner, but hate the sin."

I wish you luck and happiness.

Soaring hawk

alanonandtherapy wrote: »

Been there, done that wrote: »

This is a part of the way that one persons drinking can affect another. This is the anger and resentment that you can harbour which is distructive to you.

Resentment is like taking poison and hoping the other person suffers. You are holding onto pain, taking it out and looking at it all the time, and all the time the addict is busy with their recovery and looking at the now.

You have to learn to come to terms with the fact that bad stuff happened and you can't forget but you have to learn to forgive before you too can move along. You can't change the past but you can shape your present and therefore your future. Forgive her and forgive yourself for your part in any of all the madness, either by action or inaction.
Just let it go. Work on what you now have - a sober wife.

Put the pain and hurt away and look at the good things. Accept things as they are and focus on your kids and your wellbeing. Your wife will be busy doing this very thing as a part of her recovery.

All the above is bloody hard to do. It requires work. You will make mistakes; slipping into an old way of thinking, feeding your anger, holding onto your resentment. Accept it, stop it and move on.

Continue to get as much help as you can.

Good Luck

+1

You need counselling too, OP. This is why I suggested individual and couples therapy. The individual counselling will help you learn to move on. Let go of the past and live for the present and future. The past is what is holding you back. I know this is all easier said than done. Right now you are still holding onto it and this is not going to make things easier for you AND your wife.

Please read the above post a few times. That poster is spot on.

There is a quote that explains this very well; "love the sinner, but hate the sin."

I wish you luck and happiness.

Thank you,just gave my wife a hug and told her how much she means to me.it is time to let go of all that has happened and to look to the future
Thanks for all the good advice.

P. Breathnach

Soaring hawk wrote: »

Thank you,just gave my wife a hug and told her how much she means to me.it is time to let go of all that has happened and to look to the future
Thanks for all the good advice.

Great stuff.

Just remember that just about nothing in life works perfectly, and there might be a few bumps on the road you travel together.