Losing my friend

LegacyUser

I've been losing one of my best and oldest friends slowly but surely over about 3 years since he started a relationship with his girlfriend. From day one she was cold to me, and downright rotten when he wasn't in the room (e.g: one word answers when I tried making conversation and pretending to text on her phone ( I saw it in the mirror ), ignoring me if I met her anywhere). I know the difference between when someone is being shy and being rude, though I gave her benefit of the doubt and persisted in acting as friendly to her as I could. It became clearer a bit further down the line that she never had any intention to make an effort with his friends.

I never told my friend about his GF's behavior as I knew that he was mad about her. He would most likely have brushed it aside or tried to make an excuse for her, and I'd have found it very difficult to articulate how it was upsetting me- rudeness isn't a crime, also she was now his girlfriend whereas me only a friend. I hoped that if I kept acting like things were ok and continued being friendly and civil then she would never have anything against me, as testing as it was having every effort thrown back in my face. I've heard this girl on the phone to her friends and the bitchiness was breathtaking. The third time I met her I walked into the room and said hi to her and her sister ( who I'd never met before ) to be met only by the two filthiest looks I've ever encountered. I knew where she was going with this, I've seen before how people try to take over their OH's lives and the lengths they'll go to do so.

They had a baby quite soon into their relationship so I reckoned if I didn't stand a chance before then I definitely didn't now, didn't feel I had any place slating his girlfriend especially now they were a family. I began to avoid holding or playing with my friends baby as I couldn't handle the hurt when she would rip him out of my arms at first opportunity for some made up reason etc. He must have noticed his Gf's behavior but the thing with my friend it that he is a bit of a whimp, he'll do what it takes or avoid things to make life easier for himself so contending with her (although I'm sure he did a bit) I know wasn't something he was up for.

I text him one night recently when I needed help, I'd been left with no way home through no fault of my own and his house was close by. I'd never have done anything like this before and always treat my friends with respect, I've never given anyone a realistic reason to be angry with me. It fine with him that I stayed, otherwise it would have been a 10 km walk home for me in the dark. Since then her behavior towards me became even more rotten (texting him and throwing dirty looks when I was there, ignoring me when I said hello, bye, everything in between). Just being as childish and nasty as possible, she took the opportunity saying that my text to him that night and me coming into the house had woken her, obviously made a big deal out of it even after him explaining what had happened.

I minimized my time spent with him since then as I couldn't stand another second of her company, and it was becoming too upsetting that he was with continuing his different relationships with both of us as normally as he could, to avoid any confrontation though it was clear from the beginning that she was the only one attempting to provoke conflict. She had only been waiting for a reason to become more public with her nastiness. He knows things aren't right but he puts his head in the sand and gets on with family life. A lot of people would say his behavior contradicts the idea that he is actually a friend at all and logically they would be right. Its breaking point now, did I lose my best friend of 10 years just because I didn't speak up sooner? I feel I have to mention a major reason why I gave him leeway and never asked why exactly he allowed his GF to treat me like this. His mother was an abusive, bullying, manipulating woman since I'd known him growing up. His tactic of keeping his mouth shut to make life easier has always been used. I suppose I felt sorry for him that he had another bully in his life to contend with, but I still had hope that he would do what needed to be done when it came to it. Deep down he knows how things are but what can be done about anything now?

beks101

OP, are you male or female? Just for a bit of context as if you're female you may be perceived as a threat and so were never in with a chance.

By continuing to let his girlfriend away with treating you like dog crap, you are basically facilitating her behaviour. It's basically signalling to the gf that she can be as nasty as she likes to you with no consequences and signalling to your friend that he can continue to bury his head in the sand.

Obviously, you're in a tricky situation, because he's hardly going to walk away from his family just because one of his friends has an issue with his gf, but you genuinely owe it your friendship to be honest with him before you walk away. You don't have to sink to her level and turn it into a b1tchfest, but simply explain, using examples, why her behaviour towards you is intolerable and you are not willing to put up with it any longer. Tell him how much he means to you, but that if it's between your friendship and your self-respect, the latter will always win out.

Honestly, your friend sounds like he has his own issues in terms of attraction towards these domineering, bullying, manipulative types, and he's not likely to ever stand up to her, going on his history with his mum.

waterlily23

All that is destined to happen will happen anyway. If you are to lose him, you'll lose. Sorry to say that. I understand you. I myself lost a best frind after 10 years of friendship, and his girlfriend was one of the reasons.
Just keep calm and take things as they come. After all you will hardly want to have a person who doensn't care about your feelings as a friend.