Bit of advice

zippy90

First time posting so sorry if this is in the wrong place!

Basically my situation is this, 23yr old female, never had a boyfriend and at the minute no romantic prospects on the horizon- much to the annoyance of my friends and family :eek:

The thing is I tend to be fairly serious about the guys I like- i.e. if I fall for a guy I fall hard, so I don't really go in for the whole shifting/texting someone just for the craic.

Also I have enormous bad luck with guys- the last guy I fell for lives 300+ miles away and we met in a professional situation so I couldn't really flirt v.much, the guy before that emigrated 2 months after we met... you get the idea!

My chances aren't really helped by the fact my friends are complete stunners...I mean they're basically tall, blonde models- guys stopping in the middle of the street to ask them out is the norm. While I'm more of a scruffy tomboy, usually to be found in a pair of jeans in the corner, discussing the latest match result on a night out.

So basically any advice for this 'coat hanger'*?

*Ongoing joke amongst our group of mates, at the end of the night I'm left holding the coats while everyone else is busy

WumBuster

male advice here so i dont know how relevant it is. first of all just stop comparing yourself to other people or your friends. just be who you want to be, dress how you want to dress or act or how you want to act. it dosent really matter in the grand scheme of things. If your friends want to look a certain way, sure they are going to be attracting certain types of guys, and a lot of them, but why would you want to be doing something that would clearly make you uncomfortable. And they shouldnt be goading you or pressurizing you to be in a relationship, its none of their business.

And eventually you will meet guys who will be more interested in you as a person and not your image. And hey, your ''tomboy' jeans and hoodie look is actually attractive to a lot of guys, believe it or not. Just get talking to people and see what happens. And i think you realize already that long distance relationships are difficult to work so I wouldnt be going down that kind of route.

dannyc31

male advice here so i dont know how relevant it is. first of all just stop comparing yourself to other people or your friends. just be who you want to be, dress how you want to dress or act or how you want to act. it dosent really matter in the grand scheme of things. If your friends want to look a certain way, sure they are going to be attracting certain types of guys, and a lot of them, but why would you want to be doing something that would clearly make you uncomfortable. And they shouldnt be goading you or pressurizing you to be in a relationship, its none of their business.

And eventually you will meet guys who will be more interested in you as a person and not your image. And hey, your ''tomboy' jeans and hoodie look is actually attractive to a lot of guys, believe it or not. Just get talking to people and see what happens. And i think you realize already that long distance relationships are difficult to work so I wouldnt be going down that kind of route.

i agree with this to a point. yes you should definitely just be yourself and not try to be like your model friends, thats just not you.

what i would say is being too much of a tomboy girl is not such i great approach to attracting men. at the end of the day men are men and are attracted to femininity in women so maybe dress a little more girly and a little less tom boyish when out with your friends. i'm not saying go to the level of your model friends but i'm just being realistic with you. 85% of straight males out there are looking for feminine girls even if its just the appearance. the paradox is 85% of the same men want those women to have the mind of someone like you and be happy to talk about football all night, so you have alot going for you, just need a little tweaking and they'll be lining up for you.

best of luck on your search

zippy90

Cheers for the advice guys!

To be honest, I'm not really that bothered about the whole single thing, most of my mates are guys and so really don't care, but my female friends are the one's concerned about me...think they're concerned I'm going to wake up some of these days as the proud owner of 30 cats or something:p

Just to clarify re. the tomboy bit...I'm usually a jeans and heels girl, but do tend to carry flat shoes in my handbag- quite useful when you've to change people's tyres at 3 in the morning

P. Breathnach

You don't need to collect men. Being unattached at the age of 23 does not mean that you are a failure: it means that you are available for the right man when he happens along.

I suspect, from the way you depict yourself, that the sort of men who stop your friends on the street are the sort of men who would not appeal to you (except, perhaps, in appearance - but that's not really important).

Don't let your friends dictate your life in the area of relationships.

[And cats are okay, but 30 is probably too many.]

daisybelle2008

zippy90 wrote: »

The thing is I tend to be fairly serious about the guys I like- i.e. if I fall for a guy I fall hard, so I don't really go in for the whole shifting/texting someone just for the craic.

Also I have enormous bad luck with guys- the last guy I fell for lives 300+ miles away and we met in a professional situation so I couldn't really flirt v.much, the guy before that emigrated 2 months after we met...

Are you saying the reason you don't go in for texting & shifting is because you fall too hard for guys you barely know?
I am not sure I have picked up your logic correctly or understand it.

If you can maybe keep things light, flirting, shifting and a bit of texting with random guys could be more fun than pining after guys you hardly know that are living hundreds of miles away?

You are only 23 there is no pressure to put yourself under to settle down, have fun, don't take yourself or any guy to seriously until you know them a long time.

LegacyUser

I could've written that post when I was your age. I've always been a tomboy and even still, am never happier than when I'm in a jeans and t-shirt. I do regret not taking better care with my appearance back then. Looking back, it would've made it easier for me to meet men if I had made more of an effort with this. If we're honest, all of us judge people on their appearances. Chances are you're going to be more attracted to guys who make an effort with how they're turned out. Nice clothes, neat hair, clean shaven etc. And vice versa of course.

There's a time and place for most means of dressing. It's possible you're not looking your best when you go out with your friends. Might it be time for you to change your image somewhat? For socialising, don't feel that equates to dressing in outfits that barely cover your backside, flaunt your chest and display acres of orangey flesh. If that's not your thing, then you can always get nice clothes that will make you look pretty, feminine but not uncomfortable. The same for your everyday clothes. You can get nice casual clothes that are very comfortable, low maintenance but don't look like they've come from the men's department. How about going clothes shopping with a few friends? Go to the hairdresser and change your hairstyle.

zippy90

Thanks again for all the advice...I really appreciate it.

Just to clarify a few points:

Daisybelle- I probably should have mentioned that I'm a teacher in a relatively small/rural area, so although at college I was able to be a lot more flirty with guys etc, here I have to be a bit more reserved...wouldn't be v.good if the kids on Monday morning were discussing what I got up to on Sat night:roll eyes: And re. the guys I mentioned, what I meant (sorry I didn't explain it very well!) was that they were the last couple of lads I really hit it off with. I'm not pining after any of them, its just a little frustrating that at the minute it seems the only lads who I seem to have any spark with are "unavailable" (owing to distance/circumstances).
Also the long-distance lads were from the area around where I went to college, and I guess were probably more the 'type' of guys I'd have been keen on when I was there. Around here, all the single lads are either the one's I grew up with (and therefore are just mates), or have a history (often complicated!) with some of my female friends/ acquaintances.

Tomboy Walton: I think you hit it on the head, I probably don't look my best when I'm out with my more glamorous friends. Again, I guess because of my job, I always feel that I have to be a little bit more conservative, e.g. wearing a cardigan over a low-cut top etc. I do take care of my appearance, and I've been told I'm quite pretty, but I guess sometimes I feel a bit like the wallflower of the group.

Really appreciating all the advice!

LegacyUser

FWIW, OP, you sound perfectly lovely to me. I always preferred the grounded, un-madeup, jeansy type and you're quite rare these days where everyone seems to think they're in a rap video all of a sudden! Looking your best will give you more confidence but don't overdo it if that's not who you are.

Girls like you drive some of us wild (quietly) so don't allow yourself to feel pressure into obeying the rules of the mainstream social scene. Embrace your uniqueness

P. Breathnach

ftgyhuji wrote: »

... but don't overdo it if that's not who you are....

+1.

I favour authenticity. Real people are much more attractive. And a woman who doesn't mind changing a wheel: a treasure (I'm an old fella with a bad back!).