To move or not to move!!!!!!!

tricialou

I moved to my boyfriends village last year, we had been going out 1 year and a half and seeing each other at weekends. I moved cos he has a full time job and its secure while I had just finished up work. I found work on contract for 9 months and made friends in that town but not in his village. Basically I am miserable here and want to move home! The thought of staying here and having raising a family drives me crazy. I want to move home but he would never get a job there so it s up to me to live with it or move and leave him. The thing is it could of been so easy. There are not alot of women here and his sister is the same age as me yet has never made any effort with me or invited me anywhere. He spoke to her about me being lonely so she invited us away for the weekend we couldnt go as we couldnt afford it that particular weekend and she told people that i dont like her! It affecting our relationship now because every few weeks i tell him how i feel then i start to try and settle and feel ok for a little bit but inevetably it comes back to haunt me. We found a beautiful house here we were gonna buy but i had to back out cos the thought of having no friends kills me. i have joined clubs and talk to people while im there but they are not friends? please help!!!

blatantrereg

Can't give any answer, but there are some questions you might consider:

Would you get a job if you moved home?
Is there anywhere else you could move, where you could both find work nearby?
Is there anywhere you could move from which he could commute to his job?

Main thing is to talk to him about it, and work together to see what you want to do.

tricialou

blatantrereg wrote: »

Can't give any answer, but there are some questions you might consider:

Would you get a job if you moved home?
Is there anywhere else you could move, where you could both find work nearby?
Is there anywhere you could move from which he could commute to his job?

Main thing is to talk to him about it, and work together to see what you want to do.

thanks for your reply
No i probably would not get a job at home and no there is no where we could move where we could both get work and to answer your last question everyone is saying we should move somewhere neutral both i just think is there any point in both of us being isolated! If it was 5 years ago it would have been so easy to get up and go but these days people have to be realisitc. I defininetly cant stay here dont think its healthy to be on your own constantly but thanks for your reply!!

LegacyUser

oh OP, standby for a big virtual hug. cause i know exactly what you're going through.

please don't end up like me. i was like you after SIX months, never mind 9. and i didn't move. now i'm here for years, not months, and it's only gotten worse. like you, his family make no effort what so ever, never take us up on ivitations to do things, but yet we're the problem. well that's more of a reflection on them than me or us. remember that!

i fell into a depression because of the isolation, please for your own sake don't let things get that far. for me, it's brought up crap that i'd hidden for a long time but i was just so low it all came bubbling up and now i'm left having to deal with all that too, which i need to get sorted before i can even think again of moving.

you have to keep communicating with your bf, and make him see that long term, you both need to be in a place where both your needs are met, not just his. try and get him to understand that if the shoe was on the other foot so to speak, you wouldn't expect him to be happy in a place where he can't settle. i know jobs markets are shaky no matter where you go, but do your research, talk to one another about what you both want from life. you are just as much a part of this relationship as him. it's easy to fall into the 'well he's the breadwinner, we need to stay where the work is', but think of what you yourself are sacrificing for that work. don't think of moving somewhere neutral being isolating for the two of you, think of it as an adventure for both of you. the only difference between that and where you are now is that you both get the chance to get work and all the social add-ons that entails, not just him. youll be in the same boat together, rather than you waving him off at the pier every morning and then going home to be miserable.

sorry for rambling, this is all advice i've stored up for myself - i hope it's of some help to you! :-)

LegacyUser

You moved to your boyfriend village after going out with him for 18 months at weekends.
This is not the action of a person who thinks they have a causal relationship.
Since then you have tried really hard by getting a job in a nearby town and you have tried to make friends also. His sister is your age and has done nothing to help you out and then tells people you don't like her.
How have his parents been with you - do they like you or are you made feel like a bad smell? Is the sister in a relationship or is she sour because you have something she has not?
Every one can have a bad day or a bad period in there lives but getting up each day being totally miserable is not good for you. You were right not to buy a home here which would end up like a prison for you.
At this stage you need to chat to your oh and tell him how hard you have tried to make things work here for you both but it is not working for you and you want to talk to him about he future. You need to let him know how unhappy you are and what you have done in order to meet new people in the area but without much look. I would tell him also that you both need to start to make decisions about where you want your lives to lead to.
Good Luck.

tricialou

voiceofreasonhere wrote: »

oh OP, standby for a big virtual hug. cause i know exactly what you're going through.

please don't end up like me. i was like you after SIX months, never mind 9. and i didn't move. now i'm here for years, not months, and it's only gotten worse. like you, his family make no effort what so ever, never take us up on ivitations to do things, but yet we're the problem. well that's more of a reflection on them than me or us. remember that!

i fell into a depression because of the isolation, please for your own sake don't let things get that far. for me, it's brought up crap that i'd hidden for a long time but i was just so low it all came bubbling up and now i'm left having to deal with all that too, which i need to get sorted before i can even think again of moving.

you have to keep communicating with your bf, and make him see that long term, you both need to be in a place where both your needs are met, not just his. try and get him to understand that if the shoe was on the other foot so to speak, you wouldn't expect him to be happy in a place where he can't settle. i know jobs markets are shaky no matter where you go, but do your research, talk to one another about what you both want from life. you are just as much a part of this relationship as him. it's easy to fall into the 'well he's the breadwinner, we need to stay where the work is', but think of what you yourself are sacrificing for that work. don't think of moving somewhere neutral being isolating for the two of you, think of it as an adventure for both of you. the only difference between that and where you are now is that you both get the chance to get work and all the social add-ons that entails, not just him. youll be in the same boat together, rather than you waving him off at the pier every morning and then going home to be miserable.

sorry for rambling, this is all advice i've stored up for myself - i hope it's of some help to you! :-)

thanks very much for your reply!! I suppose i keep thinking that things will get better! Im afraid that im a bit of a grass is always greener on the other side person! i would never be able to live with myself if he left his job to find another and be let go in a few months, also im afraid he wont be happy in my home! im gonna give it a go and see if i can get a job again soon and maybe try to get more of a life for myself outside of that village. Im just very resentful of the village at the mo - as as outsider i feel i see it for what it is - a place where people like to talk and would rather see you on your knees than be happy!!
anyway id be very interested to hear your story and how you are coping with it if you wanna pm me it be great!!xxx

tricialou

fab lady wrote: »

You moved to your boyfriend village after going out with him for 18 months at weekends.
This is not the action of a person who thinks they have a causal relationship.
Since then you have tried really hard by getting a job in a nearby town and you have tried to make friends also. His sister is your age and has done nothing to help you out and then tells people you don't like her.
How have his parents been with you - do they like you or are you made feel like a bad smell? Is the sister in a relationship or is she sour because you have something she has not?
Every one can have a bad day or a bad period in there lives but getting up each day being totally miserable is not good for you. You were right not to buy a home here which would end up like a prison for you.
At this stage you need to chat to your oh and tell him how hard you have tried to make things work here for you both but it is not working for you and you want to talk to him about he future. You need to let him know how unhappy you are and what you have done in order to meet new people in the area but without much look. I would tell him also that you both need to start to make decisions about where you want your lives to lead to.
Good Luck.

hi thanks for your replyxx Yes his sister is in a relationship - I think every woman in the village thinks im some city girl that wants to steal their husbands!!! Ya i know it s not a healthy way to live. I honestly feel i would end up clinically depressed if things dont change. I just feel like the pressure is on me because it s up to me to put up or leave him. I ve told him so many times im not happy and some day he might come to an empty house so he cant say he hasnt been warned!!!it just annoys me that things could of been so different if certain people had made a little effort even just knowing that there was a door i could knock on sometime if I needed anything would be a great comfort. All small village s in Ireland like to think they have great communities when in reality they are not and mainly consist of constant gossiping about each other.
the thing is my boyfriend is a very good man I have to think long and hard about packing up because i dont think id be so lucky again!!his parents are very nice to me but i feel they are getting distant from me because i have spoken about how unhappy i am and that we might move they think were crazy to move in these times!!!!