Do I have a right to be annoyed?

LegacyUser

have a bit of a problem, not sure whether I should be annoyed or not.

boyfriend had 2 days off wed, thurs, so he went away with his sport - fine.. except he didn't come over lastnight as was in late, and now tonight he went off and made plans for pints with his friend and I won't see him till tomorrow night.

bit of background: i'm just home from a long distance relationship which we've been in the past year and this is just our second/third week together. it's been great so far and he's been very attentive, we live together and most evenings we spend together. he works till late and weekends so we really only see each other in the evenings.

so I'm a bit peeved, mostly cos he went off and made plans without asking first if we wanted to do something together, or even just mentioning first and seeing it was ok.


a part of it is also this - the first time he went, he raced home to me that night even tho it was late cos he missed me and wanted to spend the night...I thought it sweet and was dying to see him. however, this time, I'd told him just before he left that we couldn't have sex for contraception reasons and he made a joke about why he's even here so and now this time round he's not racing over to me or even making plans with me tonight....guess I feel that I'm a bit hurt and worried that without sex on the table he's not all that bothered

Esoteric_

guest252 wrote: »

have a bit of a problem, not sure whether I should be annoyed or not.

boyfriend had 2 days off wed, thurs, so he went away with his sport - fine.. except he didn't come over lastnight as was in late, and now tonight he went off and made plans for pints with his friend and I won't see him till tomorrow night.

bit of background: i'm just home from a long distance relationship which we've been in the past year and this is just our second/third week together. it's been great so far and he's been very attentive, we live together and most evenings we spend together. he works till late and weekends so we really only see each other in the evenings.

so I'm a bit peeved, mostly cos he went off and made plans without asking first if we wanted to do something together, or even just mentioning first and seeing it was ok.


a part of it is also this - the first time he went, he raced home to me that night even tho it was late cos he missed me and wanted to spend the night...I thought it sweet and was dying to see him. however, this time, I'd told him just before he left that we couldn't have sex for contraception reasons and he made a joke about why he's even here so and now this time round he's not racing over to me or even making plans with me tonight....guess I feel that I'm a bit hurt and worried that without sex on the table he's not all that bothered

Hmm, this is a bit of a tricky one.

I can see why you're upset, I really can. But you have to bear in mind that you were in a long distance relationship and for that time, I assume most of his free time went on his hobbies and friends. Now that you're back, you can't really expect him to drop everything. If he's working a lot, he doesn't have a lot of free time, so it's natural he'd want to spend some of it with his friends. that said, I do think you deserve a full day here and there, not just some evenings.

With regards to his sex comment, I think you're reading too much into it. I think it was a crass, somewhat hurtful joke, but I doubt that has anything to do with him not rushing over. Remember, this was a long distance thing for a year. If he really was only interested in sex, he wouldn't have done long distance for so long!

Tell him you felt a bit insecure after the sex comment and the fact that you've been spending less time together this week, but I think that both of you need to compromise a bit. I think you're right in not only wanting evenings with him, but he's right in wanting to have time to do his hobbies and see his mates, too. I don't think one full day every two weeks is a lot to ask, so you can go out and do stuff or just chill together. I would suggest one day a week, but you guys see each other a fair few evenings, it seems, and he does need time for his friends, family and hobbies too.

Good luck, OP.

Piliger

Hi OP.

So .. you are just together after a long LDR where you were accustomed to living your own lives and getting on with things separately.

You spend most evenings together.

He clocks up prodigious hours in work.

Now he needed some time to himself.

What is the problem ? You cannot expect to do an immediate switch around from a long LDR and now want to live in each other's pockets. Just because you are just back from being separated doesn't mean you both don't need to have your own time, for your own activities and interests. It is very healthy to do so, for both of you.

I think you really need to step back from this 'annoyance' and irritation and see the big picture.

As regards the comment about sex ? well he is your boyfriend and you have been dating a long time .. so it's impossible for us to know if this is part of his normal sense of humour. The problem with an LDR is that you 'think' you are dating and getting to know each other .... but is reality you aren't, because you are not 'together' and experiencing small things like passing comments, senses of humour, and the smallest but sometimes irritating things that are part of every day living.

Best of luck.

Ickle Magoo

I honestly don't think you've any "right" to be annoyed.

You live together, this the second/third week of living together - life has to get back to some kind of normality you can both live with at some stage...the whole "permissions" thing is a greyer area. Presumably he let you know he'd made alternative arrangements and as an adult that's all I'd expect from my partner - I certainly wouldn't expect to be asked permission or be given first refusal on all his time.

I can understand why his comment about sex stung but I think you either accept it was tongue in cheek by a man who loves you or you let insecurity eat you to the point you think the man whose maintained a LDR with you for the past year and has now moved in with you, just uses you for sex.

I'd second Piliger's advice to take a step back OP, you both need space and time away from each other/the relationship - and you especially don't want to allow your insecurities to start making unreasonable demands of him.

All the best.

Matteroffact

guest252 wrote: »

have a bit of a problem, not sure whether I should be annoyed or not.

boyfriend had 2 days off wed, thurs, so he went away with his sport - fine.. except he didn't come over lastnight as was in late, and now tonight he went off and made plans for pints with his friend and I won't see him till tomorrow night.

bit of background: i'm just home from a long distance relationship which we've been in the past year and this is just our second/third week together. it's been great so far and he's been very attentive, we live together and most evenings we spend together. he works till late and weekends so we really only see each other in the evenings.

so I'm a bit peeved, mostly cos he went off and made plans without asking first if we wanted to do something together, or even just mentioning first and seeing it was ok.


a part of it is also this - the first time he went, he raced home to me that night even tho it was late cos he missed me and wanted to spend the night...I thought it sweet and was dying to see him. however, this time, I'd told him just before he left that we couldn't have sex for contraception reasons and he made a joke about why he's even here so and now this time round he's not racing over to me or even making plans with me tonight....guess I feel that I'm a bit hurt and worried that without sex on the table he's not all that bothered

I would be peeved too OP, he was away for 2 days and didn't think that he should ask you would you like to do something last night and I really think he should have, but he came home and just informed you that he had made plans for Friday night. There is really nothing you can do about it now because it is over, so just let it go, but if it happens again I would mention it. And it is not like he was obliged to do something with you last night OP but that he didn't even want to, that is what would annoy me.

LegacyUser

cheers lads, just wanted to give an update.

I held my tongue and didn't mention it and I'm glad I didn't - I guess adjusting to being with him on a full time basis will take abit of time and little bumps like this will come up and we'll have to negotiate them.

I totally believe in space and independance - we both practice the same sport and we're very supportive of each other pursuing this, even if it means our free time is spent on different sides of the country.

What peeved me is when he got back, he didn't make plans to see me - instead, he called me from work the following day to say he'd made plans with friends for that night. It stung a bit, especially as this all feels so new and honeymoonish.

He's not obliged to spend time with me or ask permission to see his friends...It just stung a bit that after being away on a trip he was happy to not see me for another two days.

anyhow he landed up at my door at 3am cos he missed me, so I guess he felt the same way as me and really did want to see me, just ended up making plans with others.

As regards teh sex comment that was just insecurity and I completely agree that he didn't mean it, and I forgot about it pretty soon after, it's just a bit strange being in a proper relationship after so long of not being in one, I forgot how stupidly I can react to little small things that normally if it were anyone else I'd have shrugged it off as a joke! I made a few jokes to him about missing him and that I hoped he wasn't makign plans with mates cos we couldn't have sex and he was surprised I felt that way and reassured me that wasn't the case. so....thanks again....think it was just a bit of nerves and insecurity and adjusting to being together