running out of things to natter about with boyfriend...is this normal?

Starr27

With my boyfriend yrs now, but we dont live together and cant get to see each other much due to longdistance. the problem we are both having is this - when we started going out things were very good - told me he loved me on first date (we knew each other for a year previously) and in fairness I felt the same about him. we used to have good long chats about life and everything else.

But these days we dont seem to have much to chat about - its kind of like i know the majority of waht there is to know about about him, his ideas, his routine, his beliefs etc.

Any of my friends in long term relationships tell me that all couples have this problem; that there comes a time where you know the answer so you dont ask the question. I now feel under terrible pressure to 'entertain' him with these elaborate conversations.

I am wondering is this normal - does it happen to a lot of couples after a few years? Like I feel its more important to be in love with the person and who they are (while yes still having a natter) as opposed to being constantly expected to go into huge debates about the meaning of life. I just want to feel content and relaxed in his company but feel I am walking on egg shells at the moment because of this.


Anyone have any experience of this.

Oryx

The problem is not the lack of chat, its the need for it. It indicates a tension that shouldnt be there. You know youre at ease with someone when silence is easy and dont have to talk. Now I get that with a long distance thing, youre hardly going to have long romantic silences down the phone, but if you are relaxed, youll just talk about whats on your mind anyway, without having to even think about it.

Could it be that the distance is taking its toll, and you are lacking enough common ground to give the relationship energy and life? If thats the case, you need to find something in common again, or at the very least you need to see each other and have some face time.

Piliger

Hi OP.

One of the things that happens sometimes in long distance relationships, is that the 'relationship' can become bigger than the individual feelings of the participants.

In a normal relationship, things can ebb and flow and when it cools, it cools and people break up. In LDRs people have a tendency to stick with it for the sake of the LDR more than for the actual relationship itself. The LDR can become like a third person in the relationship, the one no one wants to upset.

It's impossible to say in this case, only you can know. In my personal view, not having much to say is a major red flag in my mind - a sign that the cycle of the relationship could be ended.

In a normal relationship, the physical proximity and daily, hourly interaction feeds the growth of your mutual development. It feeds the love between you and as you grow together the relationship strengthens and solidifies.

Try to imagine you are in the same locality and imagine what you would say if you had nothing to talk about with a partner who lived locally ? What would it say to you ? The very fact that you are writing here makes me wonder about this.

Lorna123

I think that you have gone as far as you can go with this stage of the relationship and if things are not progressing then they die. You need to be talking about living together which would be the next step. If you are not doing that then chuck it in. Things have come to a standstill and that is the problem.

Starr27

thanks for the feedback. I suggested the move in on a trial basis type thing to see if we can live together happily, but he insists on being married before movin in (he's quite religious). I feel like i am banging my head against a brick wall here!

dannyc31

The problem is not the lack of chat, its the need for it. It indicates a tension that shouldnt be there. You know youre at ease with someone when silence is easy and dont have to talk. Now I get that with a long distance thing, youre hardly going to have long romantic silences down the phone, but if you are relaxed, youll just talk about whats on your mind anyway, without having to even think about it.

Could it be that the distance is taking its toll, and you are lacking enough common ground to give the relationship energy and life? If thats the case, you need to find something in common again, or at the very least you need to see each other and have some face time.

i agree with this completely. i look at my parents who have been married for 44years and they can happily sit for hours in the room together just reading different papers. i wonder myself how but as said above its the fact they are at complete ease with each other and dont have the need to be always filling silences.

i think this is one of the key elements when you know you are truly comfortable with someone. also i agree the distance thing could be taking its toll. the only way the bond between two people can continue to build is through constant interaction with each other. if you felt at ease with him in the beginning i'd suggest its the distance thing is playing on both your minds and pushing you two apart. not sure how hard it would be for you two to change the distance thing but thats what needs to be done for you to at least realise if you two are right for each other.

Amazotheamazing

Long distance relationships are not the natural state of humanity, imo. We are social creatures first and foremost. LDR's only make sense if there's an end in sight, so is there? If ye aren't working towards living together then what are ye working towards?

Personally, and I'm in a LDR myself, there has to be progression. It's easy to be on your best behaviour when you only see the other person once or twice a month. You need to start moving forward or accept the LDR has run it's course.

Starr27

You see we were working towards that, I have actually changed career direction so that we could move the relationship onwards, and its only now in the last couple months that he has said he is now unsure. Im just in shock about it all. He was always so pro marriage etc and living together but now when it comes down to it, he gets cold feet. To say I am devastated is an understatement, heartbroken about it all.

Thanks again for all the comments

dannyc31

better to be out searching for the right person for a while longer than to be married to the wrong one.

you two just might not be right for each other, no-one said finding the right person was suppose to be easy it can just feel that way when all around you you see happily married couples. but dont be fooled by this, you can be sure there are alot of people in relationships they shouldnt be but are too scared to change anything through fear of the usual stuff. growing old alone, what will the friends & family think, what if i never meet anyone else, need to have a family soon blah blah. if you value your life dont become one of them and focus on being happy instead.

best of luck with everything.

Piliger

Hi OP. I am so so sorry that this is happening.

It is the age old gamble of the LDR and long engagements. Time changes and people change. We suffer from human nature and take things for granted.

I agree with danny above ... "better to be out searching for the right person for a while longer than to be married to the wrong one".

Unless there is a major intercession and a major shift in his attitude and the quality of your relationship - I regret to say that I think the sooner it ends and the sooner you fix your career and start a new life the better. Time is passing and you guys are going nowhere.

The very best of luck to you.