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Difficult girlfriend
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19-07-2012 5:07am#1
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Yes you know the answer to this
She sounds like she is keeping you on the back burner until someone she likes better comes along. The most ominous thing here is what she told you after you got back together. That it probably wasn't going to get any better. And true to form, she has returned to her old ways. She's doing just about enough to keep you reeled in but has no interest in changing things. I know that you like her but you're going to have to bite the bullet and finish this. There are plenty of other girls out there who will make time for you and not use you in this way. 0 -
Next time she comes round to your place, don't let her in the door and say you're busy.Yes you know the answer to this She sounds like she is keeping you on the back burner until someone she likes better comes along. The most ominous thing here is what she told you after you got back together. That it probably wasn't going to get any better. And true to form, she has returned to her old ways. She's doing just about enough to keep you reeled in but has no interest in changing things. I know that you like her but you're going to have to bite the bullet and finish this. There are plenty of other girls out there who will make time for you and not use you in this way.
You also said she had a wedding to go to; weren't you invited?0 -
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Sorry you're feeling low OP, but rest assured you've done the right thing. Just give yourself time, you'll see that soon enough.
Ultimately in the long run your confidence would've taken a serious nose dive if you stuck it out with this girl. Who wants to be with someone who puts you on the bottom of their list of priorities and 'squeezes' you into their schedule like some sort of chore, rather than spending some enjoyable quality time with your OH?
The way she treated you was WRONG and completely disrespectful. We all live busy lives, so what? Does that mean none of us have time to be decent partners? I've a busy life, work long days and like to spend the rare free time I get hanging out with friends and catching up with family back home - my boyfriend comes along to the house parties, dinners and nights out, he's more of a hit with my friends than I am at this stage! He gets involved in the skype conversations, chats away to the mammy when it's time to give a call home. And likewise his friends have become my friends, his family are my home away from home. And we're together less than five months. The fact that your (ex) gf kept you separate from all that says it all.
You deserve and will find better. Never settle for this sort of half-assed treatment again
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I'd put money on her having a bf already. No time during most of the week and practically never available the weekends, far too suss for my liking.
You seem to get the odd scrap of time, the time that could be explained away to her bf as meeting friends/gym/yoga, etc. The fact you had to drop her at the end of the road and not her place is very dodgy.
I mean, if you were only being used as a temp bf until something better came along it wouldn't be that big a deal to have you around her place the odd time or meet her friends once or twice. But she has gone to serious lengths to hide you.
Have you met any of her friends or family at all at any stage, were you introduced as the bf? I know this will seem a childish question to ask, but were you down as her bf on Facebook? My reason for asking this is if you were, then the theory of her having a bf is out the window. Although I guess there could have still been someone else.
She text you at 9pm of a Sat night wanting to talk, very late isn't it? But had no time the Sunday or after that? Seems like the fella was out for the night and she took her chances.
Of course she could just be mental, but I just can't see you being used as a temp bf cause there's far too much trouble here to hide your "relationship"
The good news is you seem a good guy and are far far better off
Give it a few weeks and I bet you'll be looking back and cringing over how you wasted your time on someone like her with her behaviour 
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Hi OP,
Sorry for asking you so many questions, I was just trying to rule out a few possibilities. Fair play to you, you seem like a really nice guy and her behaviour is indeed a bit weird.
With that said, I agree with Daisybelle 100% regarding how different people see relationships differently., and it might have nothing to do with cheating … so just trying to give some perspective…
(although the ticket one is unforgivable! She was a bit of a b*tch there alright!)
You say you are living abroad. In some countries, and in some big cities especially, this schedule can be quite the norm for relationships, ie not seeing each other during weekdays though talking over the phone often, and then juggling weekends between family, friends and the boyfriend. So she might not even think she is doing anything weird.
Also, it might not be the norm to mix family and friends and boyfriends, simply because the talks and activities you have with one group might be completely different from the other group, so some people might prefer keeping these 3 parts of their lives independent. Unless she is meeting up with huge groups of people, it is a bit of a pain (for me, at least) to bring the boyfriend along to everything and spend all night trying to make sure he and my grandmother, or he and my gay friend, have something in common to talk about.
Another thing is time alone. Some people really enjoy their time alone and in fact need it in order to unwind.
For those who live in the country, this feels normal. But as you said, you don’t have family and friends there, so I see how it can get lonely and pointless, and maybe this is not the ideal arrangement for you. But then “ideal” doesn’t exist
A few other explanations that came to my mind…
- Maybe she is really stressed and tired with work and the little time she has alone she prefers being with friends/family with whom she doesn’t need to put an effort, she can meet them directly after work, vent and talk about anything and not have to worry about clothes/shoes/flirting/pleasant conversation.
- Maybe she just broke up with someone recently and got into the new relationship too quickly. Maybe she was still enjoying and needing her time alone or partying with friends and hushed too quickly in this new relationship and now she wants the best of both worlds. Therefore she wants to take it “lightly” for now.
- Maybe she is not over someone yet but realised you are a cool guy and thought with time she could fall in love with you and forget the other one. But still have some days when she is down, when the failure in the other relationship still gets to her and she is licking her wounds
- Maybe she was “not that into you” in the beginning, but thought feelings could develop with time
- Maybe she is depressed. A lot of people with depression can seem very normal and upbeat when you see them, but in other days they but need to withdrawn from people or from some people. The part where she played the victim because you wouldn’t go to her house or something got my attention. I think that sounded more like someone who is insecure and/or has some issues than someone who is cold and manipulative.
Just my two cents…0 -
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uuusssername wrote: »Hi OP,
Sorry for asking you so many questions, I was just trying to rule out a few possibilities. Fair play to you, you seem like a really nice guy and her behaviour is indeed a bit weird.
With that said, I agree with Daisybelle 100% regarding how different people see relationships differently., and it might have nothing to do with cheating … so just trying to give some perspective…
(although the ticket one is unforgivable! She was a bit of a b*tch there alright!)
You say you are living abroad. In some countries, and in some big cities especially, this schedule can be quite the norm for relationships, ie not seeing each other during weekdays though talking over the phone often, and then juggling weekends between family, friends and the boyfriend. So she might not even think she is doing anything weird.
Also, it might not be the norm to mix family and friends and boyfriends, simply because the talks and activities you have with one group might be completely different from the other group, so some people might prefer keeping these 3 parts of their lives independent. Unless she is meeting up with huge groups of people, it is a bit of a pain (for me, at least) to bring the boyfriend along to everything and spend all night trying to make sure he and my grandmother, or he and my gay friend, have something in common to talk about.
Another thing is time alone. Some people really enjoy their time alone and in fact need it in order to unwind.
For those who live in the country, this feels normal. But as you said, you don’t have family and friends there, so I see how it can get lonely and pointless, and maybe this is not the ideal arrangement for you. But then “ideal” doesn’t exist
A few other explanations that came to my mind…
- Maybe she is really stressed and tired with work and the little time she has alone she prefers being with friends/family with whom she doesn’t need to put an effort, she can meet them directly after work, vent and talk about anything and not have to worry about clothes/shoes/flirting/pleasant conversation.
- Maybe she just broke up with someone recently and got into the new relationship too quickly. Maybe she was still enjoying and needing her time alone or partying with friends and hushed too quickly in this new relationship and now she wants the best of both worlds. Therefore she wants to take it “lightly” for now.
- Maybe she is not over someone yet but realised you are a cool guy and thought with time she could fall in love with you and forget the other one. But still have some days when she is down, when the failure in the other relationship still gets to her and she is licking her wounds
- Maybe she was “not that into you” in the beginning, but thought feelings could develop with time
- Maybe she is depressed. A lot of people with depression can seem very normal and upbeat when you see them, but in other days they but need to withdrawn from people or from some people. The part where she played the victim because you wouldn’t go to her house or something got my attention. I think that sounded more like someone who is insecure and/or has some issues than someone who is cold and manipulative.
Just my two cents…
I think it's a bit beside the point. All valid suggestions but even if the reasons for her 'behaviour' is much more easily explained and innocent, then the point would still remain that it amounts to a serious clash in values.
If she only wants something highly casual by the OP's standards, she clearly doesn't respect the OP's definition of a healthy relationship one single bit. She has acknowledged that the OP is dissatisfied with their relationship and undertook to do more but reneged immediately. I'm sure the OP doesn't want to be a rebound or a distraction. This alone is reason enough to break up.0 -
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