I am Evil, I am Cold, I am a Monster

LegacyUser

There's a unsettling coldness about me. I don't seem to feel empathy. When my mother cries and is upset I get really angry with her. The sound of her crying makes me furious. Tonight I literally completely broke my girlfriends heart and as she lay there shaking asking me to leave all I could think was that I didn't want to have to walk all the way home if I got kicked out of her apartment. I just don't really seem to have any empathy at all. I am also extraordinarily selfish and just generally a bad person.

I don't care for people in general to be honest. I don't like to talk with my parents. I do like to talk with some of my friends though. I don't speak to my brother at all and completely hate him.

Is there anyway to change? I am starting to think I'm toxic to this world. Really feel like I am just plain evil.

BunShopVoyeur

You'll get over it once you're past the teenage years.

Oryx

Youre not evil. You do sound angry though and that can blot out other feelings. You don't say what your life situation is but I reckon your current circumstances have you feeling unhappy and once those change you'll find your lust for life again. Stop calling yourself names and give yourself a break. Your allowed to feel bad if life isn't great. Just when dealing with others right now take a step back when you feel you are being cruel. Use your rationality to remove yourself from the situation so you don't cause unnecessary hurt.

LegacyUser

I don't think you are devoid of empathy because you have just described alarm at the way people respond to you and you can recognise when they don't feel good. We all have glitches socially that can be ironed out. I'm not saying you should go through the motions when responding to people but if you understand that by doing certain things you can improve the happiness of others and the overall situation perhaps you should force yourself to put your arm around someone when they are crying and tell them its okay even if you don't believe it. On occasion we all put on an act to make others feel better. Maybe if you try out positive behaviors you may in the future naturally respond this way way.

daisybelle2008

evilsd4 wrote: »

There's a unsettling coldness about me. I don't seem to feel empathy. When my mother cries and is upset I get really angry with her. The sound of her crying makes me furious. Tonight I literally completely broke my girlfriends heart and as she lay there shaking asking me to leave all I could think was that I didn't want to have to walk all the way home if I got kicked out of her apartment. I just don't really seem to have any empathy at all. I am also extraordinarily selfish and just generally a bad person.

I don't care for people in general to be honest. I don't like to talk with my parents. I do like to talk with some of my friends though. I don't speak to my brother at all and completely hate him.

Is there anyway to change? I am starting to think I'm toxic to this world. Really feel like I am just plain evil.

You just don't like yourself very much so. When you are so hard on yourself it is impossible not to be hard on the outside world.

Hate yourself = Hate the world.

As the other poster said, stop being so hard on yourself and calling yourself names. Be a lot kinder to yourself, show yourself some empathy.

The fact you are having such a emotional reaction (i.e anger/frustion) to the crying. And being so hard on yourself means you are not lacking empathy or evil.

To be able to express love and empathy you first need to feel it for yourself. Take small steps and it will get easier and become a habit.

Start now while you are still so young. The other poster is right, you will grow out of it.

neemish

Talk to some one about it - like a counsellor or your gp.

I don't know whether you're actually evil, but you seem to have a very low opinion of yourself and should get some help with that.

thefeatheredcat

Feeling nothing but apathy towards others can come from a variety of sources with your own situation and feelings about yourself and that being projected onto others... that inability to show feeling and relate to your mother could be about you getting angry at yourself as in you might view crying as showing vulnerability and weakness and a learned response might be not empathy but apathy. It can even be a reflection too on how others project their issues onto you and treat you not in response to you but in dealing with their issues.

I'd be in agreement with majority of posts here, you are being hard on yourself and you should cut yourself some slack and be kinder to yourself.

It is possible to change, yes. I do recommend reading up on "Compassion and the Individual" by the Dalai Lama; it does go into detail about anger and empathy and there are useful words and ideas expressed in it. May not be everyone's thing but worth a read imo.

boomkatalog

Op I feel for you, have known someone in quite a similar position to you.

Are there people in your life who make you feel more? Even if its not earth-shattering?

Do you have any pets? This will sound silly but the person I know bonds very well with animals, and I think overall its been a big help to their emotional development.

How are you at expressing yourself? Do you find it hard to talk to people when you are angry, annoyed etc?

There's nothing monstrous about feeling 'cold', its more common than you think. The inability to empathise is often portrayed as part of what it is to be a sociopath or psychopath and while many of them can't empathise, there are plenty of normal people living normal lives in the same situation.

I have a lot of sympathy for you, as a sensitive person myself I sometimes wish I was colder but I think we as people need to feel.

There's positives to this too, I presume you don't 'need' people to the same extent that some people do, and as such you might be more comfortable in your own company?

It could be helpful for you to talk to someone about it. Spend time with anyone that does make you feel happy, or anyone that you care about or worry about. Don't shut them out, they're important in helping you. Could be good for you to keep a diary too, it would also help to show it to a counsellor or some professional that might be able to help you.

SlowSprint

OP,

the fact that you are acknowledging the problem is good sign of self awareness that many in your situation lack, so there is a strong positive.

Its important to seperate your behaviour from your identity. The fact that you acted unsympatheticly to your mum or GF's crying doesnt mean that you are an unsympathetic person.
You have the power to change that.
Resolve now to do 2 things and let us know how you get on:

1 Go to your GF and apologise for upsetting her, and ask her to let her know how she feels. Listen fully without saying anything until she gets it all out.

2 the next time your mum is upset resolve to comfort her, perhaps with a hug, and tell her you are thinking of her - dont try to tell her she shouldnt be upset.

Looking foward to hearing the improvements!

SS