Hooking up with a younger guy

LegacyUser

Well

Firstly, I'm 29. I was in a relationship for the the last six years which ended a few weeks ago. That's a whole different issue for me though, and one which I'm really trying to work through.

In the meantime, I was out this week, and even before I arrived, I was getting texts from one of the girls about an amazing-looking guy who was at the bar.

I came up to the bar, and the guy was unbelievable-looking. He was only up for a few days with work (he's Spanish), and we ended up chatting. I didn't really feel anything for him because, while he is seriously unbelievably hot, I knew he was younger than me (he's 23), and I'm not into that.

Anyway, end story is, I hooked up with him, and I think I did it to see if I could. Total self-esteem thing. I'm not haggard yet, but I'm always very aware of the fact that I was very pretty when I was younger, and I really see this falling away (don't mean to be bigheaded, but I was beautiful when I was a teen / early twenties, and all I can see is the fact that I'm losing that now).

Anyway, after we hooked up, I couldn't feel comfortable. I just kept thinking that the kind of girls he should be getting are young, adolescent-looking, hot young things. I've never felt like this before, 'cause the last time I was hooking up was when I was about 23 - so I had that confidence that comes with youth.

Now he's been calling and he's up in Ireland this weekend and wants to meet again. My problem is, I'm single now and, thinking back to the way I used to be, why should I pass up on some amazing sex with one of the best looking guys I've seen in a long time. But, I can't feel comfortable hooking up with a younger guy. He's completely cool and seems very mature, but it's an issue I have in my own head, and I feel like I should be (after sh@gging the brains out of him) making sure he's ok with where he has to go next and making him tea or something. I suppose it's cause I've spent so much time in a grown-up relationship. I'm also very conscious of his age in thinking that I need to treat this with kid gloves and not hurt his feelings - as in making sure that, if I do say I don't want to carry this on, I don't want to be harsh.

This is all drama, and, in the meantime, I'm really trying to get my head straight with the end of a relationship - but I can do that; people do it all the time! I just can't figure out the right thing to do with this guy and for myself.

Any advice much appreciated!!

P. Breathnach

While he is younger than you
1. you are young
2. he is not an immature teenager.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

You're only 29 not 50 and he's 23, that's not that much of an age difference in my opinion. In a similar situation myself at the moment and am trying to take it as it comes. I'm sure you're still as beautiful as you were in your early 20s and he can see that too. I say go for it.

Beruthiel

Bleugh wrote: »

Any advice much appreciated!!

I'm not seeing what the problem is here.
My hubby is 8 years younger than me, age was not a consideration then, or now.
You're looking for problems where there are none.

Ellsbells

He is 23 - why would you be mothering him? If that's what happened in your last relationship, it does sound less adult and more parent and child.

You are only out of a relationship and given the level of drama this fling seems to be generating, maybe you should take sone time out to get over the last relationship.

blatantrereg

I just kept thinking that the kind of girls he should be getting are young, adolescent-looking, hot young things.

Personally I find most women more attractive at 29 than 23. Not everyone thinks adolescent-looking is hot.

He's completely cool and seems very mature, but it's an issue I have in my own head, and I feel like I should be (after sh@gging the brains out of him) making sure he's ok with where he has to go next and making him tea or something.

Do you mean you see him as a kid or something? I dont see why - you make him sound adult.

I'm also very conscious of his age in thinking that I need to treat this with kid gloves and not hurt his feelings - as in making sure that, if I do say I don't want to carry this on, I don't want to be harsh.

Not sure how age ties into that. It's generally best to be considerate of any partner's feelings. Being gentle should be the default, not something that's an issue.

If you were looking for someone to start a family with or something like that then you might wonder might not be interested in the same thing, or the same sort of timeframe. That's really not comes across here though. You're just describing someone you really fancy who likes you too. That's a good thing - nothing to worry about.

Curry Addict

maybe you feel guilty that you are using this guy. you dont want to hurt him while you have your fun.
its likely that he is using you also.
its ok to let him know subtly that this is just fun for you.

Floppybits

Op, the problem seems to be in your head because there is a few years age difference. I don't see it as a problem and I am sure the guy doesn't see it as a problem. I know if I was his age again, I wouldn't careless about the age of the person, as long as it is within reason now.

Op, you need to get over this hang up and just go with the flow. Have your fun and if it fizzles then grand or even something comes of it then great but 6 years is nothing, except in your head? Would you date a man 6 years older than you?

Brokentime

When I was 21, dated a 29-year-old girl from a different country. Didn't work out because she had to return home after a while, but that was a great time.

beks101

OP, drop the Catholic guilt and just enjoy this hot guy. It could be just what you need to sort your head out and start to move on from your relationship.

And you're 29, not 49, unless you're some chainsmoking, binge drinking heroin addict, there's no way in hell you are 'losing your looks' or anything close to it. In fact, judging on the attractive women I know and on my own looks I'd say you're probably far more at ease with yourself and have 'settled' into your looks in a way that makes you far more appealing than your cherubic, baby faced self a few years back - the fact that you pulled the hottest guy in the bar without really wanting to says it all.

This guy is a fully fledged adult as are you, he's the hottest guy you've laid eyes on in years and he's on a plate. I think you owe it to every single woman in the country to give it a shot!

Enjoy

LegacyUser

Hey guys - OP here. Thanks for your replies!

Was just reading my original message, and I think I come across as a bit of an eejit! I was reassured by the fact that you guys think it's not that big of an age gap!

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not looking for a replacement relationship here. I told him when we hooked up that I didn't want anything. I fancy the guy but (thank God) I don't feel anything for him other than that. I think it's a good idea to take some time right now being single and getting to know myself as one person, rather than one half of a couple, so I don't need to go falling for anybody.

I suppose, my problem that I can define best is that he seems to be fairly keen and is talking about "maybe things we can do in the future". Now, he's a fella and I'm sure he will move on without a hitch, but that's where the age thing comes in, 'cause when I was younger, I would fall hook, line and sinker for no apparent reason, and I really don't want to be the older person who is cruel. Probably a stupid thing to worry about, but he's a really nice guy and I just don't want to be doing anything in any way wrong to anybody.

The rest of the age thing is totally in my head, and I am definitely inventing problems where there are none, but I haven't been near a 23 year old since I was about 17, and I just really am feeling the difference. A lot of my mates have gone out with younger guys and I could never see the attraction.

The last thing that's getting to me is that half of me is saying flipping go for it! Why the hell wouldn't you? But then the other half is trying to deal with this break-up sensibly, and asking why I would hook up with somebody for the sake of it, when I don't feel anything for them. And that I should really be giving my last relationship the respect it deserves in taking time to grieve, because I am absolutely heartbroken, but I've been dealing with this whole thing by just not letting myself think about it. If I think about it, I just break down, and I can't deal with that at the moment.

Anyway - sorry - it's not even a real problem as to whether I should hook up with this guy or not, 'cause it's not like it's going to impact on my life, or his, and neither choice really means much. I guess I'm just building it into something massive 'cause it is pretty much saying that the last relationship is gone forever and I don't know if being a cliche and heading out and sleeping with younger guys is the sensible thing to do or not. I'm not a flake and I can normally make decisions, but my brain is like mush right now and I'm overthinking this and not coming to any conclusions!

Should have named this thread "Is getting under someone to get over someone a good idea?"! TBH, I'm not even sure what my issues are at this stage!

LegacyUser

beks101 wrote: »

OP, drop the Catholic guilt and just enjoy this hot guy. It could be just what you need to sort your head out and start to move on from your relationship.

And you're 29, not 49, unless you're some chainsmoking, binge drinking heroin addict, there's no way in hell you are 'losing your looks' or anything close to it. In fact, judging on the attractive women I know and on my own looks I'd say you're probably far more at ease with yourself and have 'settled' into your looks in a way that makes you far more appealing than your cherubic, baby faced self a few years back - the fact that you pulled the hottest guy in the bar without really wanting to says it all.

This guy is a fully fledged adult as are you, he's the hottest guy you've laid eyes on in years and he's on a plate. I think you owe it to every single woman in the country to give it a shot!

Enjoy

Ah - cheers. No, there's no Catholic guilt going on - I have zero problem with hooking up with I'm single. In fact, it's probably just that I've been off the market for so long that I've lost the practice! Didn't ever even look at a guy when I was with my boyfriend, so I've completely changed from who I was when I was last single!

You're right though. Feck it. Would be a sin to pass this up. I'll just have to get him to wear a fake beard or something in the morning so that I can treat him as a grown up. I've never given it much thought, but everyone I work with and all my friends are my age or older, and I'm the youngest in my family, I have this perception of younger people as kids. Me and my mental issues!!

Zoria

As been said by others here, age is a non-issue. You feel a bit out of sorts with all this because you said it yourself that you're only weeks out of a 6 year relationship, that would be my only concern. If you feel you're ready for something with this guy, then there is no reason to hold back.

daisy1984

OH MY GOD!! Girl your young free and single! Yes your relationship is over!! But that doesn't mean you have to go into mourning!! Go out there and enjoy urself! Lifes is to short!!!!

metamorphosis

Last year when i was 24, i dated and had great sex with a 31 year old.

No big deal.

Go for it, enjoy

BraziliaNZ

Lucky you, wish I was banging a 23 year old, enjoy yourself!

daisybelle2008

All this stuff about making him tea and getting him a false beard so you 'can treat him like a grown up' is just a bit weird to be honest. I honestly don't understand why it is such a problem for you to treat an adult who is a few years younger than you , like an adult…Seriously???

You seem to be stuck with this kind of generalisation or stereotype of Old vs Young, Men vs Women. To be honest it all comes across as a little judgemental and superior. You are making a lot of assumptions that this guy is going to fall for you and get his heart broken. The opposite could happen too, or even nobody gets heart broken. You need to relax and stop with all the speculating and negative suppositions.

What do you mean by being a 'cliché' heading out and sleeping with younger guys? In general people sleep together when they find each other attractive. Most people do not limit who they find attractive to a superficial age bracket. In adults, maturity is more reflective of the individual than the age or gender.

Jennifer Lopez (42) is going out with a 25 year old, and she is not making apologies or explaining her self to anyone. I would say she is confident enough in herself and her looks to know it does not matter.

You are a bit all over the place, relax and maybe slow down with regards any kind of relationship, you may be a bit more vulnerable than you think. All the drama you are making out of this, could be an indication you would get much more emotionally involved than you are protesting.

snafuk35

Bleugh wrote: »

Well

Firstly, I'm 29. I was in a relationship for the the last six years which ended a few weeks ago. That's a whole different issue for me though, and one which I'm really trying to work through.

In the meantime, I was out this week, and even before I arrived, I was getting texts from one of the girls about an amazing-looking guy who was at the bar.

I came up to the bar, and the guy was unbelievable-looking. He was only up for a few days with work (he's Spanish), and we ended up chatting. I didn't really feel anything for him because, while he is seriously unbelievably hot, I knew he was younger than me (he's 23), and I'm not into that.

Anyway, end story is, I hooked up with him, and I think I did it to see if I could. Total self-esteem thing. I'm not haggard yet, but I'm always very aware of the fact that I was very pretty when I was younger, and I really see this falling away (don't mean to be bigheaded, but I was beautiful when I was a teen / early twenties, and all I can see is the fact that I'm losing that now).

Anyway, after we hooked up, I couldn't feel comfortable. I just kept thinking that the kind of girls he should be getting are young, adolescent-looking, hot young things. I've never felt like this before, 'cause the last time I was hooking up was when I was about 23 - so I had that confidence that comes with youth.

Now he's been calling and he's up in Ireland this weekend and wants to meet again. My problem is, I'm single now and, thinking back to the way I used to be, why should I pass up on some amazing sex with one of the best looking guys I've seen in a long time. But, I can't feel comfortable hooking up with a younger guy. He's completely cool and seems very mature, but it's an issue I have in my own head, and I feel like I should be (after sh@gging the brains out of him) making sure he's ok with where he has to go next and making him tea or something. I suppose it's cause I've spent so much time in a grown-up relationship. I'm also very conscious of his age in thinking that I need to treat this with kid gloves and not hurt his feelings - as in making sure that, if I do say I don't want to carry this on, I don't want to be harsh.

This is all drama, and, in the meantime, I'm really trying to get my head straight with the end of a relationship - but I can do that; people do it all the time! I just can't figure out the right thing to do with this guy and for myself.

Any advice much appreciated!!

You are only going to be young once and this amazing experience has already changed your life.

It has reawakened your lust for life.

Enjoy the hot sex!:D

Seanchai

blatantrereg wrote: »

Personally I find most women more attractive at 29 than 23. Not everyone thinks adolescent-looking is hot.

This, oh this so so much. My partner gets more beautiful with age. She's only 33 now, but ineffably more sexy now than she was at 23. She just exudes confidence, she carries herself better and has none (or rather, few!) of those head-wrecking concerns and insecurities which mark the average young woman in this depressingly consumerist society.

To me, women in their 30s are in the prime of their lives. That guy should be lucky to have you, but you need to get out of the aforementioned head-wrecking thoughts!

Mickey Dazzler

you might as well get it into you.

Brokentime

snafuk35 wrote: »

You are only going to be young once and this amazing experience has already changed your life.

It has reawakened your lust for life.

Enjoy the hot sex!:D

Just hope the sex is as good as she's expecting and not a total... anti-climax? :pac:

Taltos

BraziliaNZ - on a week's vacation due to breach of charter.

Mickey Dazzler - please post only inline with our charter. Posts have to be constructive and civil. Any messing about is not welcome here.

Brokentime - welcome to PI/RI. If you have not already done so please review our charter. Please be advised that if you have no constructive advice to offer as per our charter we request you not to post. Unlike some of the other forums PI/RI is more strictly moderated.

Thanks
Taltos

Brokentime

Taltos wrote: »

Mickey Dazzler - please post only inline with our charter. Posts have to be constructive and civil. Any messing about is not welcome here.

Brokentime - welcome to PI/RI. If you have not already done so please review our charter. Please be advised that if you have no constructive advice to offer as per our charter we request you not to post. Unlike some of the other forums PI/RI is more strictly moderated.

Thanks
Taltos

I was one of the first posters on this thread, with some supportive advice and an example of something relevant that happened in my life.

Ickle Magoo

As per site policy - if you have an issue with any moderator action take it to PM - arguing on-thread will be deemed off-topic and actionable.

1ZRed

What's the big deal? It was fun and a thrill which is something everyone should have once in a while. There's absolutely no harm in it and the age difference is not an issue at all given your ages.

I'm 18 and I hooked up with a 24 year old guy. Same 6 year difference but it was just a hook up and a bit of fun.
For you, this situation is much better because as one poster said, he's not an immature teenager like me!:p

Just enjoy yourself! You've obviously done something right if he wants to meet up again, so let that be a boost to your confidence;)

Don't sell him short just because of his age:)

Greenduck

Hiya Op,

I understand your reservations as if it was me I'd feel the same. I think you're focusing on his age though to cover up a more important issue - that maybe you're not fully ready to get involved with anyone. Sometimes these flings can be great but often the lines get blurred and someone gets hurt or upset. If you think he's more invested in this then I think your intuition is probably right and you should knock it on the head.

Also if you should be looking after yourself now, especially after a break up. Sometimes you really dont know how you feel - up and down, sad and happy so it would be important for you to get yourself on your feet before hooking up with anyone. Rebounds dont have a great record for working out!

Maybe you could chat to him and tell him you like hanging out/kissing or whatever but thats as much as you're willing to give at the moment, just to make the situation absolutely clear so nobody is under any illusions on what it is thats happening.

Best of luck getting over the old relationship, it takes time and patience but you'll get there in the end. Hot bloke or not

Eve_Dublin

When I was 28 I hooked up with a 22 year old absolutely gorgeous foreign fella while travelling for a few weeks. I felt a bit Mrs. Robinsony (even though I haven't even seen the film) but he had his head screwed on and I fancied him. Twas great fun. No regrets.

If you both know nothing will come of it and it's just fun, go for it! Maybe it's too soon to jump into a relationship but from what you've said here, that's not the case. I'd say having a bit of fun now is the best way to move on.

LegacyUser

Hey all

OP here. Sorry for dragging up an old thread, but I just wanted to say thanks for all the good advice I got from you. Ended up meeting the guy and having a great night - lots of chats and lots of fun! We've been chatting since and texting a lot and, as it turns out, I'm going over to visit him this coming weekend and I just can't wait!! I'm just taking it as it happens with no plans or projections, but I'm delighted to be having fun and taking an impromptu holiday in Spain with my new sexy buddy!

So, thanks again and, if anybody in a similar situation ever reads this, my only advice is go for it!!