She left, not sure what to do?

LegacyUser

Hi all basically looking for some advice,

My Girlfriend of 2 and a half years has left me 3 days ago. We moved pretty fast at the start and moved in after 7 months together. Although we are both late 20's I was her first serious boyfriend and her first love. I had a few relationships but nothing half as serious as this one.

Since she has left I haven't even gone to work, I've been lying around our apartment and it is just torture looking around it without her. She really is the nicest person I have ever met. I didn't even realise there was people this nice out there.

The first few months were amazing, I'd even go as far as saying the best few months of my life. I speak for the two of us when I say that because I'm certain it was for her too. After awhile when we moved in I got scared. I thought we were moving to fast and I did push her away a bit... we were arguing over irrelevant little things that I had built up into my head as huge. When I look at it I think this was cause the whole situation scared me.

The last few months have been up and down. Our sex life is about a quarter of what it was. Her reason for leaving is she says although we both love each other she thinks that isn't enough and we are completely different people and will never be happy together in the long run. She says I have never talked of a future with her like marriage and kids... is this a thing people talk about much??? I find it hard to talk about these things although she knows I definitely want kids someday, I have some issues with the whole marriage idea although I wouldn't rule it out in the future at all. The thing is even though I haven't talked about these things I have relocated 1000s of miles away for her. To me I thought that should speak a lot louder than any words??

She comes from a happy family, while I'm from a pretty dysfunctional one. I do know I have a few issues over this and I often have problems articulating how I feel. I've only realized my issues since seeing her and how people can be.

If I'm completely honest maybe because I know I was her first love I took her for granted at times and thought she'd never leave me... I know this sounds terrible but it has to be said. Because after all she has done for me I did really take her for granted.

I have had a lot of doubts about the relationship myself but I just wanted to try make it work and dreaded her not being in my life. She says we've tried as much as we can, and at her age it's time to go before it's to late to get the things she needs.

This is the thing, I have only talked to her once since the night she left (she text me a few times to see if I was ok) and on Sunday we meet up to sort out all the arrangements and details of our split (its pretty messy) She says she is 100% certain this is what is best for both of us in the long run. So although I pleaded with her to come back and give it one more go when we did talk I feel I need to keep my dignity and respect what she thinks is best for herself in the long run to make herself happy. Because I do want her to be happy

I never thought her leaving would make me feel this way. I literally can feel it in my chest. Doe's anyone thing I have anyway of fixing this??? Or what do people think I should do now??? I cant move from our apartment for personal reasons and all my family and friends live miles away although I have made a few here I don't think this is something I can put on them... or our mutual friends.

Ellsbells

Do you want to marry her and have kids with her?

LegacyUser

Ellsbells wrote: »

Do you want to marry her and have kids with her?

Someday maybe, I'm just not sure that's why I didn't want to lie to her and go along with it all.

I made a lot of wrong choices growing up and I feel I need to sort myself out financially and get myself on a career path I enjoy before I think of these things and become stuck in a situation where I have commitments (mortgage, kids etc...) and can't change my situation.

She say's she doesn't want this now just wants to know its in the future. To kids yes I 100% want someday, marriage I just don't know.

Piliger

Hi OP. I am so sorry you are going through this. I am 50+ and know the pain you are talking about. Fixing a broken heart ? If there was a fix, life would be a lot easier OP. I'm afraid you have to grit your teeth and keep breathing .... and I can only promise one thing - it will get better. Each day .. each week ... it will get a bit better.

Let me say two things to start. Firstly GO IN TO WORK TOMORROW !!!! No matter how hard it is ... GO !!!
Secondly this has nothing to do with dignity and respect. It has to do with a relationship that was great ... but just didn't work.

This lady clearly came to that conclusion after a lot of consideration over quite a long time. That you didn't agree is no reflection on you. It just is the way it is.

You must stop thinking about changing her mind OP. This is clearly not an overnight decision. You had a lovely few years, But it is over. It didn't make her happy and because you love her .. you want her to be happy right ? So you have to live with what has happened.

So GO to work tomorrow .... ok ?

And then you have to start the healing and acceptance process. Work will hold you together. Reach out to your friends and family. Get out. The next few weeks will be hell. But then it will ease.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Piliger wrote: »

Hi OP. I am so sorry you are going through this. I am 50+ and know the pain you are talking about. Fixing a broken heart ? If there was a fix, life would be a lot easier OP. I'm afraid you have to grit your teeth and keep breathing .... and I can only promise one thing - it will get better. Each day .. each week ... it will get a bit better.

Let me say two things to start. Firstly GO IN TO WORK TOMORROW !!!! No matter how hard it is ... GO !!!
Secondly this has nothing to do with dignity and respect. It has to do with a relationship that was great ... but just didn't work.

This lady clearly came to that conclusion after a lot of consideration over quite a long time. That you didn't agree is no reflection on you. It just is the way it is.

You must stop thinking about changing her mind OP. This is clearly not an overnight decision. You had a lovely few years, But it is over. It didn't make her happy and because you love her .. you want her to be happy right ? So you have to live with what has happened.

So GO to work tomorrow .... ok ?

And then you have to start the healing and acceptance process. Work will hold you together. Reach out to your friends and family. Get out. The next few weeks will be hell. But then it will ease.

Best of luck.

Thanks you, I suppose I know everything your saying just don't want to accept that this is it. This is were it ends. It was so good before!!

Yea I want her to be happy and just not sure if I can make her happy. I just don't want to live with regrets of letting her go... but I think I'm going to just have to let her do whats best for her which is killing me.

I will go to work tomorrow. I've already decided that.

snafuk35

whatnext??? wrote: »

Hi all basically looking for some advice,

My Girlfriend of 2 and a half years has left me 3 days ago. We moved pretty fast at the start and moved in after 7 months together. Although we are both late 20's I was her first serious boyfriend and her first love. I had a few relationships but nothing half as serious as this one.

Since she has left I haven't even gone to work, I've been lying around our apartment and it is just torture looking around it without her. She really is the nicest person I have ever met. I didn't even realise there was people this nice out there.

The first few months were amazing, I'd even go as far as saying the best few months of my life. I speak for the two of us when I say that because I'm certain it was for her too. After awhile when we moved in I got scared. I thought we were moving to fast and I did push her away a bit... we were arguing over irrelevant little things that I had built up into my head as huge. When I look at it I think this was cause the whole situation scared me.

The last few months have been up and down. Our sex life is about a quarter of what it was. Her reason for leaving is she says although we both love each other she thinks that isn't enough and we are completely different people and will never be happy together in the long run. She says I have never talked of a future with her like marriage and kids... is this a thing people talk about much??? I find it hard to talk about these things although she knows I definitely want kids someday, I have some issues with the whole marriage idea although I wouldn't rule it out in the future at all. The thing is even though I haven't talked about these things I have relocated 1000s of miles away for her. To me I thought that should speak a lot louder than any words??

She comes from a happy family, while I'm from a pretty dysfunctional one. I do know I have a few issues over this and I often have problems articulating how I feel. I've only realized my issues since seeing her and how people can be.

If I'm completely honest maybe because I know I was her first love I took her for granted at times and thought she'd never leave me... I know this sounds terrible but it has to be said. Because after all she has done for me I did really take her for granted.

I have had a lot of doubts about the relationship myself but I just wanted to try make it work and dreaded her not being in my life. She says we've tried as much as we can, and at her age it's time to go before it's to late to get the things she needs.

This is the thing, I have only talked to her once since the night she left (she text me a few times to see if I was ok) and on Sunday we meet up to sort out all the arrangements and details of our split (its pretty messy) She says she is 100% certain this is what is best for both of us in the long run. So although I pleaded with her to come back and give it one more go when we did talk I feel I need to keep my dignity and respect what she thinks is best for herself in the long run to make herself happy. Because I do want her to be happy

I never thought her leaving would make me feel this way. I literally can feel it in my chest. Doe's anyone thing I have anyway of fixing this??? Or what do people think I should do now??? I cant move from our apartment for personal reasons and all my family and friends live miles away although I have made a few here I don't think this is something I can put on them... or our mutual friends.

The only way you can fix this is to marry her and have kids but only if both of you are truly 100% for it.
She has clearly lost patience.
Life is too short.
She is not going to want to be with you otherwise as far as I can see.

I would suggest you get on with the rest of your life and leave her alone to get on with the rest of her life.

Piliger

Whatnext?? wrote: »

Yea I want her to be happy and just not sure if I can make her happy.

OP - you cannot make her happy. She has told you. I don't want you to think I am rubbing it in ... it just is how it is

I just don't want to live with regrets of letting her go... but I think I'm going to just have to let her do whats best for her which is killing me.

Again ... I don't believe you are letting her go ... or missing an opportunity or any of those things. You have done your best. You have done everything you could. If it didn't work it didn't work.

Another cliche that may annoy you, but is very very true - you will be a better person after this. And you will be a better partner. And that will give you a better chance the next time you find yourself with a special person.

I will go to work tomorrow. I've already decided that.

Excellent. I look forward to you coming back and confirming that ...

Mighty_Mouse

Stop thinking about the long-term future so much.
This is what is causing fear.
If she made you happy then go and get her back.

a fat guy

It's either all or nothing at this point.

Prove how much she means to you, or move on.

Forget about your dignity or pride, this is much more important to you than that.

LegacyUser

Mighty_Mouse wrote: »

Stop thinking about the long-term future so much.
This is what is causing fear.
If she made you happy then go and get her back.

This is exactly it!! I keep saying that to her I was trying to enjoy my life with her and not thinking 10 years in the future... but she was always thinking so far ahead

LegacyUser

Hey OP again...

Still the same story except she text me a few times again trying to make conversation and see if I am ok...I don't want to be annoying but is there any female perspectives on the whole thing??

snafuk35

whatnext?? wrote: »

Hey OP again...

Still the same story except she text me a few times again trying to make conversation and see if I am ok...I don't want to be annoying but is there any female perspectives on the whole thing??

I think you already have the female perspective.
She wants marriage and kids and at this stage that's really the only thing she is going to accept.
You are dead in the water otherwise.

samina

Whatnext??? wrote: »

She say's she doesn't want this now just wants to know its in the future. To kids yes I 100% want someday, marriage I just don't know.

I don't understand this. Did you tell her this? It would be a major deal breaker for me too. IMO having kids with someone is a much bigger commitment to someone then getting married to them. Maybe you have major issues with marriage, but to basically tell someone that you will use them to have children, but want no legal ties to them personally I'd imagine is very hurtful and insulting.

Ellsbells

Exactly she will think that's she's good enough for you to live with but not marry. for someone who values marriage and what it stands for, that's not enough.

Why are you scared of marriage? What aspect as you scared of? Tbh it will also reduce your dating pool if you never want to get married as a lot of girls will.

Ellsbells

whatnext?? wrote: »

This is exactly it!! I keep saying that to her I was trying to enjoy my life with her and not thinking 10 years in the future... but she was always thinking so far ahead

She has to think ahead - she has a biological clock. She is late 20's and with you over years already. I think she is right to move on as ye want different things.

Lorna123

whatnext?? wrote: »

Hey OP again...

Still the same story except she text me a few times again trying to make conversation and see if I am ok...I don't want to be annoying but is there any female perspectives on the whole thing??

I am a female and my perspective is that this woman wants marriage and kids in the near future. You are not prepared to promise her this so she is trying to see if leaving you will change your mind and if it doesn't then she wants to find someone who wants what she wants. If you want her back go and tell her what you have told us.

Mighty_Mouse

fter awhile when we moved in I got scared. I thought we were moving to fast and I did push her away a bit... we were arguing over irrelevant little things that I had built up into my head as huge. When I look at it I think this was cause the whole situation scared me.

You introduced doubt & fear into the relationship.
Your insecurities about the relationship led to her having her own questions.
All the signs were there the last few months but you did nothing to fix it.
Was part of you secretly wishing it would just finish so you could be free?

Now the reality has occured your are panicking know you have made a terrible mistake. It could be you have left it too late.
She may never be convinced by anything you say.

Her reason for leaving is she says although we both love each other she thinks that isn't enough and we are completely different people and will never be happy together in the long run. She says I have never talked of a future with her like marriage and kids... is this a thing people talk about much???

It seems there are 2 issues for her:
1. Personality incompatibility
2. Marriage & Kids

2.5years into a relationship, in your late 20's with a woman you love .............yes it's weird that ye don't know where ye stand on the big issues such as marriage & kids. I mean FFS these are huge life issues.
The fact ye don't talk about them would indicate to me there is a distance between ye emotionally.

If you want her back you will need to work on your personality & probably give her a time-frame for marriage & kids.

username123

Women have a biological clock. To me its odd that a late 20s couple who have been together 2.5 years would not know where they are going re marriage/kids. Not to get cracking on both at that moment, but to have a kind of general life plan. If you never talked about it then I dont blame her getting her skates on. She only has a few more years good fertility left. From the age of 35 things get a lot more difficult and a lot more risky.

You want different things, she wants security, a life plan. You want to enjoy the moment and still, in your late 20s, are not sure how you feel re marriage. Womens clocks dont run on long enough to be hanging around waiting for a man in his late 20s to be sure of what he wants. What if you get to 33 and decide that actually you dont want any of it, yet. Lots of her fertile years will have been wasted waiting.

Ellsbells

Lorna123 wrote: »

so she is trying to see if leaving you will change your mind .

I dont agree with that. I would say she has been thinking about it and she thinks someone else out there can offer her what she wants. She would be a silly girl to walk away as a test.

Kwack

OP

Been there recently and best advice I can give is move out of the home you shared as otherwise it will take longer to get over her. Time is a great healer...

Lorna123

Ellsbells wrote: »

I dont agree with that. I would say she has been thinking about it and she thinks someone else out there can offer her what she wants. She would be a silly girl to walk away as a test.

Don't worry about it

LegacyUser

As far as marriage is concerned I suppose I do have issues with it yes. I look at it just as a promise to each other and Its not that I wouldn't want to be actually married to her it's the whole spending a whole lot of money on one day (her sister only got married last year and it cost 40k. plus she always talks about what she'd love on her wedding day.) While I could pay such money as down payment for a house or take a huge lump of a mortgage. Which in the long run may work out as I could retire earlier and enjoy life.... I'd take that over one day but maybe I'm crazy???

Mighty_Mouse wrote: »

You introduced doubt & fear into the relationship.
Your insecurities about the relationship led to her having her own questions.
All the signs were there the last few months but you did nothing to fix it.
Was part of you secretly wishing it would just finish so you could be free?

Now the reality has occured your are panicking know you have made a terrible mistake. It could be you have left it too late.
She may never be convinced by anything you say.

I think you've hit the nail on the head, I have been thinking this already and it kills me to say it I think subconsciously I did want it to just finish to be free and now I've realized the results. I don't want to come across such a prick I'm just trying to be honest here as I wanted the best advice.

Mighty_Mouse wrote: »

It seems there are 2 issues for her:
1. Personality incompatibility
2. Marriage & Kids

2.5years into a relationship, in your late 20's with a woman you love .............yes it's weird that ye don't know where ye stand on the big issues such as marriage & kids. I mean FFS these are huge life issues.
The fact ye don't talk about them would indicate to me there is a distance between ye emotionally.

If you want her back you will need to work on your personality & probably give her a time-frame for marriage & kids.

You are right although marriage was an issue from talking to her number one is her biggest issue. She feels I'm not the kind of man that she needs...and she's not the kind of woman I need. Plus she mentioned it only got this far because she loves me so much.

I think this is mostly because of what you said before and me almost just wanting to be free. Plus I took her for granted over the last year I admitted that to her.

Don't get me wrong we have talked about kids and she knows I want them 100% and We have talked about saving to buy a house together not much but we have (were my issue is she has huge debt and it would be me saving for the deposit alone. Although she doesn't know thats my problem but I'm sure she'd understand that.) It's just the marriage part we never talk about... and she knows I have issues with the whole concept of weddings... It is something I will probably do someday but it will be because the person I want to be with wants it not because I do. Which probably doesn't make me appealing but that's just how I feel.

LegacyUser

I think I should add... I said late twenties at first but she's 28 and I'm just gone 27.
Sorry I didn't want to give to much details when I started the thread.

chinesedoll

From the female perspective of someone who was in her position. All the things you have posted here, wanting to sort yourself out, wanting to be financially ok, have you said these things to her? That you feel perhaps you did take advantage of her but it was never intentionally. Actions speak louder than words, yes, but I was in a relationship with someone for 6 years and I heard the phrase "I love you" perhaps as many times. It killed me with pain at the time. This will stay in your head, and stay in your heart for a very long time regardless of what you do. And women do think very much about their biological clock, as a previous person mentioned, especially mid-late 20's.

I can only tell you what I would do in your situation: Ask to meet with her, lay it on the line and be completely honest with her about how you feel, what you feel. Ask her if she will try again, and if she says no, then you can do no more. At the very, very least, you will have tried it. Also, glad you are going to work again

username123

whatnext?? wrote: »

As far as marriage is concerned I suppose I do have issues with it yes. I look at it just as a promise to each other and Its not that I wouldn't want to be actually married to her it's the whole spending a whole lot of money on one day (her sister only got married last year and it cost 40k. plus she always talks about what she'd love on her wedding day.) While I could pay such money as down payment for a house or take a huge lump of a mortgage. Which in the long run may work out as I could retire earlier and enjoy life.... I'd take that over one day but maybe I'm crazy???

Personally I dont think youre crazy at all to be thinking that way. But for me the idea of the traditional Irish wedding is on a par with the 7th circle of Hell. But couples compromise on these things. At the very lowest level people spend 150 quid on a civil ceremony, then at the other extreme people spend 40k on a party. There are levels in between.

whatnext?? wrote: »

I think you've hit the nail on the head, I have been thinking this already and it kills me to say it I think subconsciously I did want it to just finish to be free and now I've realized the results. I don't want to come across such a prick I'm just trying to be honest here as I wanted the best advice.

Sometimes something that is actually the best outcome is just very hard to accept at first. It really sounds like you two just have different life agendas - it happens. There is no bad person, just two people who are too different.

whatnext?? wrote: »

Don't get me wrong we have talked about kids and she knows I want them 100% and We have talked about saving to buy a house together not much but we have (were my issue is she has huge debt and it would be me saving for the deposit alone. Although she doesn't know thats my problem but I'm sure she'd understand that.)

Why doesnt she know that you see this as a problem if youve discussed it? Thats a HUGE thing! Do you just not say it when you discuss it? And if not why not? Finances are a massive deal between a couple. Personally I would not like to take on someone who had debt. It would just be an unequal situation if just one person is saving for a deposit and the other isnt. And in light of what you said earlier, why on earth would she talk about the type of wedding she wants - if she has debt and no money to pay for it!!! Thats really not mature.

whatnext?? wrote: »

It's just the marriage part we never talk about... and she knows I have issues with the whole concept of weddings... It is something I will probably do someday but it will be because the person I want to be with wants it not because I do. Which probably doesn't make me appealing but that's just how I feel.

It sounds like you just dont like the idea of a wedding day, more so than the concept of marriage. Well guess what? Plenty of women are not into the standard irish wedding thats just an all day drinking session and every one of them is the same as every other one of them. You just need to find someone more compatible with you.

I think youre probably just panicking now, but you dont need to - I do think this break up is for the best in the long run.

Mighty_Mouse

I think you've hit the nail on the head, I have been thinking this already and it kills me to say it I think subconsciously I did want it to just finish to be free and now I've realized the results. I don't want to come across such a prick I'm just trying to be honest here as I wanted the best advice.

Ok so you loved her but secretly wanted to sabotage the relationship.
You didn't want to face your fears whatever they are.......life changes, "growing up", commitment, babies....worries.etc.

But, guess what, everyone feels the same fears.
The point is to find someone you love. Open up to them about your fears and get through it together.

The marriage issue is just invented hypothetical crap about some potential future spend of 40k on a wedding day.

You don't have to spend 40k, you don't have to get married in a church, you don't have to cover her debts....you won't have to make babies (immediately)...............but you will have to figure out a compromise to all of the above with her.

Or else that its all a bit too much and move on.

pastry2010

She obviously still cares and that's why she is in touch, if the only reason she left is that you are not thinking of the future than you need to weigh it up, a future with or without her, you said she has a great family so she probably wants to settle down & marry, which I hate to say but a very normal thing to want, she's not asking for much here only a happy future with you. Just because you have had bad family experiences does not mean you cannot write your own future. Do not let your past stop you from moving forward, she seems like a lovely girl & you seem nice too don't let yourself regret a decision that you did not consider carefully.if marriage is not for you 100% let her live her life and meet someone else.

Have you not had conversations about the future before? I'm with my boyfriend 2 years ans we've briefly discussed but I know he wants marriage and kids.

Px