Mothers lies/remarks/behaviour - Should I just move on?

LegacyUser

Okay,

Sorry in advance for the essay and thanks for reading. I'm female, late twenties. My mother has been difficult for most of my life, though we did used to get on quite well, I know that sounds like a contradiction.
She's an alcoholic, sober in the last couple of years. Basically i've caught her out lying time and time again. She also says things running me down or trying to deflate me for absolutely no reason. I'm wondering should I say something or just let it go over my head, but it is bothering me. Here's a few examples:

We were on a family holiday years ago when my little sibling became unwell from the sun, and I was saying to bring her to the doc, went to the doc with her and my mam.
My mam kept making the comment "Oh it's all about you isn't it, it's just all about you".
She got into a fight with the sister of the scumbag she's been going out with and my sibling was hysterical I ended up taking her to a relatives for a few days.
Had to call to my mams to get some stuff and she'd a black eye she told me she walked in to a door.
My brother phoned me when I brought my sis to the relatives saying I was nothing but a c**t and I was dead to him. I'm guessing my mam gave him a different version of events or something.
I never once stopped my sibling from going home, she just point blank refused. I had endless rows with my mam for going on binges and with the guy she is seeing.
She told a friend of the family, that i'm nothing but a drama queen and i've nothing going on in my own life which is why I have to interfere in hers.
Before she told me that a group of people who were mutual friends of the family said I was a "snobby ba****d".
I said it to one of the guys and he said it was BS and he's a straight talking person, he would tell me if he had a problem with me. I got thick with her before because she had gone missing on the drink again with the bf who is like a tramp off the street and cursed at her down the phone and she told me I was common as muck.
She told me that my brother said that my life was completely meaningless. She's told me how my auntys favourite is my sister, whatever that's fine, but why the need to say it.
I brought my sis to a specialist before because she has skin problems, and she was put on a strict diet excluding dairy, my mother started buying chocolate cake and ice cream.
She's told me not to be so rude to her bf, who rips off everyone who crosses his path and has been in prison before.

A sibling recently went travelling and I was talking about how i'd love to go and she was like sure such and such might go before you, sure you might not go at all.
It's like she's on a different planet.
She makes out like the bf is grand and like she doesn't see what the problem is. Even now she's sober he's still hanging around and i'm afraid of what kind of influence he's having on my youngest sibling.
I was up in her house with my partner the other day and he rang and she picks the phone up and says Oh hi "other friends name" can I call you back such and such is here, completely obvious it was him. It's so frustrating.

I can't stay away completely because of my sister. I used to get on well enough with her but then again I was minding my sister when she was in the pub after school.
My mothers family don't seem to realise the **** i've had to put up with from this woman and still treat me like i'm a child which adds further to my frustration.
She keeps secrets from them too, my father commited a horrendous crime and I don't think they know about it.
They seem to think i've just stopped talking to him because he was a lousy father, they do wonder why his own family don't speak to him.
I think I should mention it the next time they bring it up. Is it normal to be still feeling so angry and annoyed even though the worst of the behaviour stopped when the drinking stopped.

Beruthiel

Move on OP. I would have done so years ago.
You can't help this woman and you cannot enable her anymore.
Walk away and leave her to it.
She is in charge of her own life and it is her decision where that path leads her too.
Go live your own life and be happy.

LegacyUser

Beruthiel wrote: »

Move on OP. I would have done so years ago.
You can't help this woman and you cannot enable her anymore.
Walk away and leave her to it.
She is in charge of her own life and it is her decision where that path leads her too.
Go live your own life and be happy.

Its the remarks and things she's said about me and things she claims people have said that's annoying me though aswell. She's sober now, so the drink is not a problem. I can't walk away when my younger sibling is still living there.

Daisy M

I understand you cant just walk away because of your sibling but what you can do is change how you react to her horrible behaviour. She treats you like this because she can and because she knows it gets to you, at the moment you are her scape goat. Limit the amount of time you spend with her if she makes remarks leave the room or better still the house, she wants a reaction from you and it will take her some time to realise she will no longer get one but it will eventually get through. Your sibling will not be at home forever and if after the age of 18 they choose to live there then that is their choice you don't have to feel responsible for them.

If she wants to drink or go missing let her off, take care of your sibling who is probably better off with you as a role model and stop trying to change this woman only she can do this for herself.

As for what other people think trust me they have a good idea of what she is like and if they don't time will enlighten them. If you want to tell your family why you stopped speaking to your father then do you do not have to protect him or your mother.

chubchub

I can't offer any advice op only to say I think your very good to your younger sibling in what sounds like horrible circumstances. I'm sure your siblings appreciates all this and you'll get your reward. Good luck.

LegacyUser

Daisy M wrote: »

I understand you cant just walk away because of your sibling but what you can do is change how you react to her horrible behaviour. She treats you like this because she can and because she knows it gets to you, at the moment you are her scape goat. Limit the amount of time you spend with her if she makes remarks leave the room or better still the house, she wants a reaction from you and it will take her some time to realise she will no longer get one but it will eventually get through. Your sibling will not be at home forever and if after the age of 18 they choose to live there then that is their choice you don't have to feel responsible for them.

If she wants to drink or go missing let her off, take care of your sibling who is probably better off with you as a role model and stop trying to change this woman only she can do this for herself.

As for what other people think trust me they have a good idea of what she is like and if they don't time will enlighten them. If you want to tell your family why you stopped speaking to your father then do you do not have to protect him or your mother.

She doesn't go missing or drinking anymore

LegacyUser

chubchub wrote: »

I can't offer any advice op only to say I think your very good to your younger sibling in what sounds like horrible circumstances. I'm sure your siblings appreciates all this and you'll get your reward. Good luck.

Thats the thing my sibling doesn't speak to me as much any more. When I asked her about the bf does he be around much she told me no not really. I found out he's practically living there and I don't know if this was the right thing to do but I told my little sis I know he's practically living there and that she can tell me anything and she should never feel the need to lie for anyone, not even our mother. She did this to me when I was a kid to, don't say this to your grandparents don't say this and it has actually had a lasting effect on my relationship with my grandparents in that I can't express myself with them as much as i'd like to, I know that probably sounds silly.

LegacyUser

Daisy M wrote: »

I understand you cant just walk away because of your sibling but what you can do is change how you react to her horrible behaviour. She treats you like this because she can and because she knows it gets to you, at the moment you are her scape goat. Limit the amount of time you spend with her if she makes remarks leave the room or better still the house, she wants a reaction from you and it will take her some time to realise she will no longer get one but it will eventually get through. Your sibling will not be at home forever and if after the age of 18 they choose to live there then that is their choice you don't have to feel responsible for them.

If she wants to drink or go missing let her off, take care of your sibling who is probably better off with you as a role model and stop trying to change this woman only she can do this for herself.

As for what other people think trust me they have a good idea of what she is like and if they don't time will enlighten them. If you want to tell your family why you stopped speaking to your father then do you do not have to protect him or your mother.

Yeah I can't believe they don't know to be honest. I'd like them to know but will only tell them if they bring it up again, might awaken them to what sort of men my mother gets involved with and they may have a better understanding of things.

Morag

Daughter wrote: »

She doesn't go missing or drinking anymore

That doesn't mean the behavioural issues will vanish.
She still has all the control issues and the manipulative behaviours of an alcoholic. A person can not have touched a drop in a decade and still behave like an abusive alcoholic.

I would suggest you find an alanon meeting for yourself and an alteen meeting for your sister. There you will meet other people who are living with alcoholics, dry or otherwise in their lives and learn how to deal with them.

LegacyUser

Sharrow wrote: »

That doesn't mean the behavioural issues will vanish.
She still has all the control issues and the manipulative behaviours of an alcoholic. A person can not have touched a drop in a decade and still behave like an abusive alcoholic.

I would suggest you find an alanon meeting for yourself and an alteen meeting for your sister. There you will meet other people who are living with alcoholics, dry or otherwise in their lives and learn how to deal with them.

Thanks I appreciate your advice but alanon is not for me. I don't think at this time dragging my sister off to an alateen meeting is going to help her, she is generally a happy child and with my mam being sober I can see this doing more harm than good.

Morag

She maybe sober but her behaviour is still the same.

LegacyUser

Sharrow wrote: »

She maybe sober but her behaviour is still the same.

Without sounding rude or disrespectful, I am perfectly aware of that, that was the main issue in my OP. So obviously drink is not the only problem here.

Anyone any useful advice on how to tackle the situation? Why would a mother say such things to her daughter?

Big Bag of Chips

OP, people are offering advice, but you seem to be dismissing almost everything anyone says.

Why would a person say such horrible things to their daughter? Because they are a horrible person..

You cannot change her. You cannot turn her into a fantastic mother, so all you can do with her is deal with it as best you can. If that means cutting yourself off then do it (keeping in contact with your younger sibling to make sure they are ok).

miec

Why would a person say such horrible things to their daughter? Because they are a horrible person..

You cannot change her. You cannot turn her into a fantastic mother, so all you can do with her is deal with it as best you can.

I am afraid the above is true, I had to cut ties from a parent who wanted to dump all their emotional baggage on and be their scapegoat. Essentially in the lottery draw of parents I drew short, it sounds like you did too. You cannot undo what has been done, only mind yourself going forward.

LegacyUser

I'm not trying to change her. I just want to get some understanding of why she carries on like this and whether I should say it to the people who have supposedely said these things or say it to her. She doesn't treat my other siblings like this.

LittleBook

Daughter wrote: »

I'm not trying to change her. I just want to get some understanding of why she carries on like this and whether I should say it to the people who have supposedely said these things or say it to her. She doesn't treat my other siblings like this.

Did your other siblings berate her for her drinking binges? Do they criticise her partner? Did they participate in taking your sibling to your relatives home? Do they have "endless rows" and "curse at her down the phone"?

Bear with me, I'm not criticising you. But you're implicating yourself in her life in a way that opens you up to her anger and clearly she expresses her anger in a horrible way.

I see you can't walk away and I commend you for keeping an eye on your sibling, but you must mentally and emotionally stay away from your mother, even while you can't physically be away from her. And when your sibling is older you can help her move out and break from your mother completely.

Your entire family seems to be caught up in a web of secrets and lies and, if I were you, I would come clean with certain people about why you do or don't do certain things (like contact your father) and leave them to deal with the information as they wish. It doesn't sound to me like you owe your mother, your father or your brother anything.

However, I wouldn't bother asking the people she's said have insulted you, frankly I wouldn't believe a word that comes out of her mouth.

Take care of your sibling and leave your mother to her own devices.