Baby doesn't like Daddy!

LegacyUser

Hi Folks,

Posting unregged as I'm feeling a bit sensitive about this.

I'm a new Dad to my beautiful girl of just 8 weeks. She's already preferred Mum's cuddle to mine, but in the last 2-3 weeks she's become steadily worse when I'm holding her.
Yesterday was the worst yet - she turned bright red roaring in my arms to the point where you get worried because they're stopping breathing they're crying so hard. So I hand her back to Mum and she calms down within seconds!

I share the jobs of looking after her (nearly always is me doing the 4am feed), and change my fair share of nappies. We brought her out at the weekend with me carrying me in a baby carrier and she seemed to enjoy it (fell asleep in it), but I'd love to be able to comfort her when she's fussy like her Mum can.

I'm trying not to take it personally but truth is, it IS getting me down, and I feel like my bond with her is starting to slip away. Any advice or encouragement from
other Dad's that have been through similar ? That can tell me there's light at the end of this tunnel !?

pwurple

More bonding time needed from you. This happened with us as well. At the start the little one would scream blue murder if daddy tried to settle her, but was happy as larry with me. So, we went to him putting her to bed 5 nights a week, and me the other 2. It took about 2 weeks of this.

Try to copy whatever way your wife is holding her as well. Sometimes they prefer to be held a certain way.

Hannibal Smith

My two were exactly like your daughter, whenever they cried in the early days others could try and comfort them, even my husband, and nothing would work, as soon as they were passed to me they stopped. I think it's just familiar smells and sounds with the mother, I guess they've been with them for 9 extra months?

I don't know the science behind it, but we did have early days similar to yours, but as time passed and they're more aware of their surroundings and new smells they got over it.

It's so hard not to take it personally I'm sure, but the baby isn't making a conscious choice, she doesn't have any thoughts like that. She just has to get used to you I reckon. I think the early days are so instinct based for babies that you really just have to follow their lead. Maybe when she is calm hold her and talk to her gently (I'm sure you're doing that already), and when she starts up, hand her back to mum. That way you're building a positive association with her and she's building a positive association with both of you? Keep calm, they can sense when you're nervous I reckon, it really won't last long.

Neyite

We were the opposite in our house - when we first got baby home, he would scream inconsolably with me yet hand him to dad and it was like the off switch was flipped. I felt so useless, and shed the odd hormonal tear over it, but all it is, is a change that distracts them - a different hold, smell and sounds. It's not a personal preference.

I stopped wearing perfume and aerosol deoderant (just use a non-scented roll on) as I read somewhere that babies can be sensitive to smells, apparently sweat smells like amniotic fluid and they "recognise" it, resulting in a calming effect. Some of the mens range of deoderants and aftershaves can be quite strong, so might overwhelm a little baby. It may not help, but its worth a shot to try going scent free and see if it makes a difference.

Its no reflection on you when she calms being near the mother - she smells the milk (if breastfeeding), and there are two lovely comfy pillows for her to choose from

I'd also try to get her used to you when she is calm and happy - little cuddles after feeds, talk to her lots when she is awake. Dont rush in and pick her up when you come home from work. Sit beside her and chat quietly to her for a few moments, tell her about your day, stroke her hand etc and when she is cooing back at you, pick her up then for cuddles.

If she only sees you in the morning and the evening it can take a minute or two for her to recognise you - my fella gets momentarily confused when I have my hair down (going out and about) and in a top-knot (bed hair) but recognises me instantly during the day (basic ponytail) as they recognise you by the shape of your head and hairline more than your actual face apparantly.

Hitchhiker's Guide to...

More-or-less the same here. Just takes a bit longer for the kid to bond with the father. Can see how it might be getting you down a bit especially with the attendant tiredness but you'll definitely overcome it!

Ms2011

I found that each of us had different skills when it came to our son. I could soothe his crying, his dad could get his wind up better, I could get him back to sleep quicker at night, his dad could manage to dress him without him screaming the house down etc.
As he got older & we became more confident & learnt from each other things settled down. Don't be so hard on yourself, babies can sense if you are tense, staying calm is easier said than done but it really does help.

Ballyman

NewDad74578 wrote: »

I'm a new Dad to my beautiful girl of just 8 weeks. She's already preferred Mum's cuddle to mine, but in the last 2-3 weeks she's become steadily worse when I'm holding her

This is normal. She did spend 9 months inside her mommy's tummy after all!!

My little boy was and is (he is 2 now!!) the same. He spends half the day with me, I feed him, bath him, change nappies, put him to bed etc etc but when he cries all he wants is his mommy. He is nowhere near as bad as he was when he was small but mommy is still number 1.

Once he has stopped crying he's back over to me acting the maggot again with a big stupid smile on his face

It used to bother me as well but when you think about it he is always going to be closer to his mother as a baby especially as she breast fed him as well but just accept that she prefers to be with mommy when she is upset and with daddy when she wants to play!!

LegacyUser

Our lad is most happy with Mammy. Doesn't bother me at all. She is breastfeeding him and obviously she is his mother.

I have nothing to offer only affection....that is bugger all use to a baby.

It's perfectly natural that a baby wants his/her mother. It's only our crazy equality guff that makes us believe dad is as important at that age.

Shock...he's not. Baby wants mother and mother only.

200,000 years of evolution is not wrong.

You will have your uses. Try and concentrate on keeping them fed and sheltered for now. That is pretty much what dads are for.

ariana`

We went through this too.

But just you wait until she's a little older and you can throw her up in the air and play aeroplanes etc... Oh my she'll love you then! When I attempt to join the fun with my 2yr old boy and his daddy now all i get is "go away mommy"!

It's all phases with them, you have to develop a tough skin cos babies/smallies are very honest

Give it time.

Davidth88

OP , is this your first ?

Do you have much exposure to little ones ?

The reason I ask , perhaps you are a little tense picking her up and she is picking this up ?

Try to relax , easy to say I know , you won't drop her or hurt her easily . Speak to her , get her used to your voice .

Please persevere , nothing beats it.

Congratulations on your little one , hope you get on well.

LegacyUser

Hi all, OP here,

Thanks all, for all the positive words and encouragement. In answer to some of the points-

Yes, it's our first. I've have some experience (not very much) of handling babies before, but funny enough I took to it from day 1 and I've never really felt nervousness about holding her (except maybe first day or two).

To the posters who mentioned holding position, I'll pay more attention to position of her head/neck over the crook of my arm - there might be something in this.

Also, the deodorant thing might be a factor too - I've never been one to plaster myself in smelly stuff but it occurs to me when I'm holding her her nose is quite near the armpit area so maybe smell of deodorant was upsetting her.

I looked after her this morning again when Mum went out for a couple of hours. She fussed a bit during feeding but ended up snuggling up and falling fast asleep on my chest. Bad for work productivity but good for the soul :-) It's times like that make it all worth it.

Thanks again all.

muttley-dps

With my little one I sang a tune (oro se do bheatha bhaile!) when she was bathing or anytime at all really - even when her mum was nursing her so it was something she was familiar with when not with her mum. So even later when she is upset she will still lie in against me when I hum/sing it.

Best of luck.