Mother won't bathe - awful smell in house

stacexD

I'm not sure that this is the right place to post this looking for ideas, but it's getting me down too so I can't see anywhere better to put it.

My mother doesn't leave her room.
She stays in bed all day every day playing games and talking to people she meets online. She only leaves her bed to go to the toilet which is just a few steps down the hall. She's been diagnosed with depression years ago but at this stage the doctor is starting to think that it has turned into being addicted to the internet and pure laziness. (Food is brough to her, not by me, I've also tried to stop this with no luck!)

Anyways, she stays in her room which is full of rubbish and dirty clothes that have been all over the floor for years, she was also a heavy smoker up until a couple of weeks ago.
She goes months on end without showering, and when I say months I mean 3 months 6 months 9 months until she is forced to go to the doctor ( by the doc threatening to stop her prescription) She doesn't even change the PJs she wears all day or her bed clothes ( they don't even get changed when she does have a shower)

So the smell has always been awful but now it's just getting too much to handle. I'm 20, been living away from home for the majority of the last 2 years but right now I literally have nowhere else to go. Her room is next to mine so it is starting to even stink up my bedroom even though I have the door closed and window open all day long.

Downstairs is bearable, it's not by any stretch of the imagination a nice smell down here but what can you do. But upstairs is where the only toilet is and where I sleep and the smell is just getting too much. I actually have to try and hold my breath when I'm going upstairs until I get into my bedroom because it makes me feel sick.

The bathroom and spare bedroom windows are kept open the whole time and I try to keep the doors and windows downstairs open as much as I can and keep downstairs spotless and use air fresheners and bleech and what not too but it isn't enough, the smell in the room is still over powering everything we try.

I dunno what to do at this stage, I've tried everything to get through to her but she really couldn't give a sh*t. Cleaning her room is not an option as she won't let anyone.

There's a noticeable improvement in the smell of the house when she does shower, its actually bearable with just the smell of the room alone.

Does anyone have any ideas on what I can do to get through to her and to get rid of the smell? Living with such a horrible smell all the time really does take a toll on your whole mood and everything every day

wylo

Sorry to hear of your situation, have you talked to any other doctors? Whatever has been prescribed and recommended is obviously not working. Her behaviour and the way she takes care of herself smacks of depression.



This is no way for either of you to live. Im sorry I cant recommend anything more solid, but the situation is quite serious and isnt something you can just casually say to her imo.

She may also be agoraphobic but Im not gonna go down the route of internet diagnosing.

Something that may interest you, if you youtube Byron Katie oprah, and click on the soul series, in part 1 she describes exactly what you are describing.
I wouldnt recommend her stuff as the solution, more for your own help to understand what she might be going through.

I dont think anyone here can give any advice on how to deal with her, moreso how to improve your own life so her situation affects it as little as possible.

dr ro

does the person who brings her food not care about the smell. Maybe you could talk to that person and come to some agreement that she can only get her deliveries if she agrees to have her room cleaned out properly. Once the room is clean, she may make (more of) an effort to keep it that way. Failing that, could you threaten to disconnect the internet if she won't let you clean it. And btw it sounds like it will have to be you cleaning it. Have you no friends you could stay with if all else fails.

stacexD

Thanks for the responses!

Nope there's really nowhere else and all my family lives up the country so it's hard to even find somewhere to go to get a break from it for a few days!

It's my father who brings her the food and we have had lots of arguments about it but he never gives in. He does care about the smell and the state of the room but he won't do anything about it, he just takes the "let her do what she wants I don't care anymore" attitude. To be honest me and my brother see a serious deterieration in his mental health too since he's been out of work, the doctor has spoken to him about it but he isn't really open to talking about it. He's not an overly clean person either, once the sitting room and kitchen are reasonably clean he's happy.

Cleaning the room is harder than it sounds I've made a few attemts (after lots of suggestions) at cleaning the room but she really won't have it. And I don't want to go down the route of going in all guns blazing with black bags because she's a fairly angry person and doesn't have much time for me at the best of times never mind if I aggrevate her. For instance she once beat the bedroom door with a lump of wood because someone changed the TV channel in the sitting room (while she was in her room) She made about 20-30 massive holes in the door some went all the way through and she justified it by saying "he's lucky it wasn't his head because that's what I wanted to go for". So with a temper like that it's a bit daunting to get on the wrong side of her.

The doctor is another problem on the pile. I've always found her to be an ok doctor but she doesn't ever push things (even with me, she'll say things and sometimes not follow up) But in fairnes her and my mother have a great relationship and she's always asking about her.
But of course my mother feeds her a load of lies every time she has to see her, so the doctor leaves satisfied that she's improving. Then when I see the doctor and tell her the truth she gets concerned again but it always ends the same way. She's vaguely mentioned the idea of admitting her to a mental hospital before to me but the following week my mother had an appt with her and said the doctor told her "don't worry I'll make sure you don't have to go to hospital"?

My brother has always toyed with the idea of her going into hospital too but since he moved out he kind of keeps a distance.
Also, it only came out a couple of week ago that my parents aren't actually married, which complicates the next of kin situation for admitting her to hospital. I think me and my brother are the only people who can admit her to hospial against her will? She actually made a comment to my father when he mentioned the idea that "you can't put me in hospital you'te not my next of kin"

To be honest I'm in 2 minds about the depression, I can see the symptoms but I can also see her serious addiction to the internet and how lazy and manipulative she is and mostly always has been. The doctor also said about turning the internet off but my father wouldn't let it happen :mad:

I'm thinking I'll also make an appointment for the doctor next week and talk to her about this and discuss hospital again because this is going on 5 years with no improvement!

stacexD

Gonna look that up on youtube now too!

username123

Op, youre an adult, you need to find new living arrangements, this is not good for you at all.

Sometimes there are cases where you cannot help the person unless they want help. Your parents are one of these cases. Your father is enabling your mothers behaviour. Its massively dysfunctional and its not helping her at all.

Its not different to someone bringing an alcoholic drink or an obese person food, it allows the person to indulge in the unhealthy behaviour.

Stop worrying about the next of kin issue. Its perfectly clear to me that your mother is mentally ill and without the assistance of your father there is nothing much you can do FOR HER. Same goes with the doctor, if the medical professional involved is doing nothing to help then I dont see how you can personally override that.

But you can help yourself. Move out of the house, go speak to social welfare, get on the housing list or get rent allowance or whatever. Stay with friends or relations, anything - just get out.

LegacyUser

Hey OP, my sympathies for your problem, I know the feeling of not having a clean, stable, safe home and its not nice. To be honest your not any good for helping anyone if your not in a good place yourself.

What I would suggest is a visit both to the doctor and the community welfare officer in your area. Explain to the community welfare officer that you can no longer live in your home due to your mothers mental illness, give them details about your mothers temper (which sounds dangerous really) and the problems of smell and everything else. Assuming your on some sort of welfare allowance? They might be able to help you with a deposit and rent allowance so you can get your own space. Also in some areas they have a mental health nurse that gives house calls every week or month, so you could see if this is available for your mum too.

On the issue of your mother it sounds like the doctor is not doing enough at all. She seems satisfied that your mum is not a danger so can go on the way she is. While this is not your responsibility, it might be an idea to try for a second opinion. In my own situation there was two doctors in the same surgery, which allowed for a good cop/bad cop dynamic which really helps in terms of my mum trusting one as a confidant while one was the bossy b**ch doctor.

Its not fair that you have to deal with all this, your allowed to focus on yourself and get out of there. Then, if you want, you can offer help from afar.

Roselm

Hey OP,

If the GP isn't moving things forward you/your mother might be able to get support from a Social Worker who might be more pro-active?

The HSE website talks about the person with the mental health difficulty being the one who must want to access a mental health team with a social worker.
But I think a Community Social worker could come out to see you to support you/your mum/the family and in that way work together to support your mum and move her situation forward?

"The aim of social work is to help people achieve change and make decisions which will improve their quality of life. It is also a function of social work to identify options and support steps to advance social policy and service delivery."

http://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/health/care_in_your_community/social_work_services.html

See also for mental health social workers
http://www.hse.ie/eng/services/Find_a_Service/Mental_Health_Services/The_Mental_Health_Team/#Mental health social worker

...and for general social work services (which may be able to support you/the family and work towards referral).
http://www.hse.ie/eng/services/Find_a_Service/PrimaryCare/pcteams/leopardstown/socialwork.html
The contact number in the link above is for a specific clinic but you should be able to find the one you need here
http://www.hse.ie/eng/services/Find_a_Service/LHO/

Hope this is useful

K.O.Kiki

Have you tried disconnecting the router?

Also: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/NEET

Oryx

Disconnecting the internet might cause a reaction, but it wont fix your problem, which is long term and ingrained. You cannot fix this either, so dont beat yourself up about that. If the doctor, your father, and anyone else involved cant do it, then dont take the weight of it on yourself.

Your mother is mentally ill in some form, because her behaviour is abnormal. You shouldnt try to tackle her alone, particularly if she has a temper. If anything is to be done, you need help with it. Go to that gp, tell her things have to change. Look into changing her gp if possible, as this one sounds useless. See if you can get a social worker to talk to you at least. There is help out there, you just need to access it.

Apart from that, don't enable her yourself. Try to stay out of the day to day situation as much as possible as it will wear you down. I know your father still will do things for her, but he is part of the whole problem that needs tackling.