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Past ghosts haunting my future

  • 16-07-2012 4:07pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Hello,

    I do not know where to begin with this, but back in the late 80's I fell out with my mum big time, over something I did which was serious, which was wrong of me to do, I did apologise to her but I don't think she ever forgave me really, my boyfriend whom she did not approve of and the fact that we had a child out of wedlock and having a child at all.

    The fall out resulted in my mum being very bitter towards me and things became rather bad when she tried to send me and my then boyfriend horrible letters, which could have killed our relationship at the time. Fortunately my sister, who was to have posted the letters, gave them to me instead as she said at the time she was tired of all the bad feelings between me and mum.

    I left home to live with my then boyfriend. We stayed together for a number of years, then went our separate ways. Though we still do see each other from time to time over the years. Our child is now an adult and I think to think that my mum had known about her grandchild but never ever seen.

    Now that I am in my middle years, I have been doing a lot of thinking about my life and where I am at. I do feel somewhat that it is time to build bridges and mend things.

    I have had no contact with my mum or my sister ( whom I have never fallen out with) since 1990.

    It just happened like that. I wanted at that time to move on from my family, to get away and live my life and be successful! I have had a tough life though and have been through some really rotten times. Our child who is in their 20's now and lives with a partner. I just feel that it is time for things that have blighted my future to be mended even somewhat.

    I have no phone number for any of my relations. I know my aunt died back in 2009, internet search I found out this. Coupled with the recent death of the love of my life, I just need to feel at peace with my family and my past.

    I need to get through this somehow, but I do not feel comfortable in confronting it. I will admit, I am afraid, scared, but I know I should not be. I have felt in limbo and been stumbling all these years!

    I don't know how to approach this and what are the steps I should take. Do you think it is a good idea to just go down and knock on the door? I am not sure if that is the right thing. I don't know. I don't know what way if any I can sort this out or if I should just leave it altogther.

    Anyone else been through falling out with your family? How did you work through it? I just need some sound advice.

    It was a bad time for me back in the late 80's and my then boyfriend did not help my situation any. Things are good with me now and I just need to be able to feel that I can carry on with my life, in a clear way.

    Thank you for reading this.


Comments

  • #2
    username123
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,484 ✭✭✭username123


    You wont like this but here is my situation and feelings on it.

    I was estranged from both of my parents due to my fathers alcoholism (and my mothers enabling), they died without contact ever being re-established. The only circumstances under which I would have considered contact would have been if my father had stopped drinking, I would have rejected any other attempt. It never happened anyway.

    However, due to our upbringing, after my parents I became estranged from my brother. We have had previous periods of estrangement throughout teens and young adulthood - not due to falling out, due to him moving away and not contacting home again. However, we had never gotten along growing up and my memories of him were mostly bad.

    We were back in contact for a while before my parents died but afterwards he reverted to the same behaviour that had caused us to have a bad relationship growing up and I told him that his behaviour was unacceptable and that unless he could apologise and treat me with respect we would have to part ways. He refused to apologise and we parted ways. It was a big decision for me, I didnt take it lightly.

    If he got back in contact now I would not be interested. I know now that he has not changed as an individual and that tbh, my life is easier without him in it. I do not even feel hatred or upset about any of it, I have just accepted and come to terms with the fact that I am related to this person who behaves like an a-hole, who I do not respect and cannot change and thats that. My husband asked me once if I would go to my brothers funeral if I heard he died. I wouldnt. And not to make a statement. I am disinterested.

    So - to apply to your situation. How hurt are you going to be if you get back in contact and are rejected? Have you forgiven your mother for her past actions? What makes you think that she or your sister will welcome you or will be different people now, people that you will like? What would you expect to develop from such a contact?


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