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Why can't I just be happy for people?

  • 15-07-2012 10:58pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Hello, I've noticed a bit of a character flaw that I have, and thought maybe someone out there would be able to offer thoughts or suggestions on it.

    Essentially I just can't seem to hear about the possibility of someone else being happy or something good happening to them without feeling a bit jealous/bitter about it :( I suppose this is mainly in the realm of romance and that kind of thing (i.e. my mate getting with a good looking girl).

    My details are: I'm a 25 year old male. I've not had a relationship for a long time now, and hadn't had much luck with the females for a good stretch. However I've had a good bit more luck in recent months, have been on a good few dates, bit of sex, etc. I've also been out with a girl a few times who is quite keen on me, and it could be heading in the direction of a relationship. Everything appears to be going pretty good actually! However I'm not overly keen on the girl, so not sure if I should keep it going. I could grow to be more attracted to her, and we do have a good bit in common.

    Regardless, one of my best mates has also been going through a dry spell, for a long time now (over a year). He's a good guy and has had relationships before, but just struggling at the moment. He could really use someone to give him a bit of happiness recently.
    Now there's a feint possibility that he could be possibly going on a date with a good looking girl or two... and all I can think is "I hope he doesn't" :(

    Ideally I'm hoping he'll go out with a girl that he likes as much as I like the girl I'm seeing!

    Am I just a bad person for thinking like this? Why can't I just allow someone else to be happy, even if I'm not fully happy myself? I'm still young, I'm sure I'll meet someone eventually, I just can't help wanting others to fail so that I can feel better about myself.

    FWIW I'm a generally up-beat person, and I get along with others... I'm at times pretty depressed about the love life, but probably no more so than anyone else. I've got relatively little to complain about in that regard anyway, even if I haven't met someone I'm crazy about just yet.


Comments

  • #2
    lau1247
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,236 ✭✭✭lau1247


    deep down everyone can have envy/jealousy moments when comparing to others..

    your situation sounds like you fear that you'll get left behind once your friend find happiness.. just my thought

    West Dublin, ☀️ 7.83kWp ⚡5.66 kWp South West, ⚡2.18 kWp North East



  • #3
    Lorna123
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,116 ✭✭✭Lorna123


    You sound a bit insecure. You don't seem to be able to stand on your own two feet. You want to hang on to your g/f just so that you won't be alone. You would like if your male friend was there for you but fear that if he gets off with a good looking woman he may not have as much time for you. Chill out and just go with the flow. Who knows what is around the corner for any of us.


  • #4
    wylo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,214 ✭✭✭wylo


    The only reason you can possibly be like that is because you are unhappy. And you seem to have based your entire sense of being on your love life and nothing else, so as a result, if someone else is succeeding in that area and you might not be, then you are instantly reflecting that on yourself.
    Its actually got nothing to do with the other person, they are just triggering something in you that is clearly bothering you.

    Sounds like low self esteem, happy people dont naturally begrudge others.

    I know because I was on both ends of the spectrum.

    My advice is to try and look at the thoughts that arise when you suddenly feel unhappy because your mate might succeed in that area. And ask is it true? Be really honest, turn it on yourself.
    The kind of thoughts that may arise will be very subtle and quiet and may not be loud concious thoughts , stuff like "my mate shouldnt succeed with that hot girl", "Im jealous cause my mate is succeeding there", "I am unhappy because I am not succeeding in that area", "i need to a hot woman to be happy". Just examing the sh1t out of whats going on in your head when you feel unhappy for somone elses success.

    And dont be hard on yourself, it takes a level of personal honesty to realize its in fact you who has the problem , as oppose to just directing your jealousy at your mate. Even writing your OP is a step ahead of alot of people who act out on their jealousy and dont bother questioning it.

    Your mate deserves better! And so do you!


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