How do I get a better social life?? Would love some wise advice... :)

LegacyUser

Well, the title says it all really.. my social life is very much hit and miss. More miss really.. I just don't have a good group of friends to go out with and do things with. It's really starting to get me down.

I do have friends, some very good ones. But increasingly I find I'm not sure how much in common we have these days. Often they are with gf's or doing their own things. If I suggest doing something, they're not interested in doing it. Not that they don't want to hang out or have other plans. They will just sit on their ass instead.

Trouble is, i'm very much a get up and go type of person but when it comes to this, I don't know how to fix it. The advice I'd give someone would be to get involved in lots of groups or take up a new sport. But I don't find that works. I'm involved in a number of different things, hell I even set up a new club myself recently. I find that although I have made friends through this, they are often friends only within that circle/activity. Things like "Do things you love and you will meet people you have lots in common with". Sounds great but it ain't working. By far the best way to meet people is through mutual friends. Which I don't have many of...

Everyone else seems to have a solid gang they have built up from school/college. This gives them a wide circle and lots of invitations to parties and so on. I just don't have that. I was very shy growing up. I'm WAY more socially confident now but I think maybe I'm still a little aloof. I expect others to make the moves and things. I'v tried reaching out to people but I'm just not sure how well it works. I feel as though they aren't interested. I was quite late realising the importance of other people/friendship but when I did it was too late.

It sounds ridiculous but at 23 It feels like it really is too late to make friends. And when you don't have friends you don't meet many girls. I'm a good looking guy but I never meet girls these days because of this..

snafuk35

Mirror78 wrote: »

Well, the title says it all really.. my social life is very much hit and miss. More miss really.. I just don't have a good group of friends to go out with and do things with. It's really starting to get me down.

Seems to me like you define yourself by your friends. Can you enjoy your own company at all?

Often they are with gf's or doing their own things.

I find that many people keep their own lives and friendships separate. They have their own lives with or without their friends. If their friends were not around they would still survive. You should do what others do.

Trouble is, i'm very much a get up and go type of person but when it comes to this, I don't know how to fix it. The advice I'd give someone would be to get involved in lots of groups or take up a new sport. But I don't find that works. I'm involved in a number of different things, hell I even set up a new club myself recently. I find that although I have made friends through this, they are often friends only within that circle/activity

I have friends myself in lots of different circles and these people don't necessarily know eachother or know that I know other people. I don't feel the need to tell them and they don't tell me about their lives either. You are only going to have two or three close friends but even those friends you don't always see them or when you do they don't tell you everything in their life. So a lot of the time many people are alone. So you have to friends with yourself and be content.

Things like "Do things you love and you will meet people you have lots in common with". Sounds great but it ain't working. By far the best way to meet people is through mutual friends. Which I don't have many of...

I think the best way to meet people is to be friendly and chatty with everyone, no matter what the circumstance. It doesn't matter if it is stranger or a person you only half know or a person you have known since you were a nipper. And most importantly not to think about it.

Everyone else seems to have a solid gang they have built up from school/college. This gives them a wide circle and lots of invitations to parties and so on.

But that can be tedious too. Some people might prefer to be alone but don't know how to.

I just don't have that. I was very shy growing up. I'm WAY more socially confident now but I think maybe I'm still a little aloof.

Who isn't?

I expect others to make the moves and things.

If you want to do things to happen you have to make the moves.

I'v tried reaching out to people but I'm just not sure how well it works. I feel as though they aren't interested.

Maybe you are too obvious? Do you broadcast to others that you are trying to hard? Are you reaching out to be their friend or are you reaching out for them to become your friend?

I was quite late realising the importance of other people/friendship but when I did it was too late.

It's never too late.

It sounds ridiculous but at 23 It feels like it really is too late to make friends.

It isn't too late to make friends at 23. That's just rubbish talk.

And when you don't have friends you don't meet many girls.

That's even more rubbish.

I'm a good looking guy but I never meet girls these days because of this..

You have to a good sense of humour, be good at conversation, have a bit of charm and wit too. Girls get bored with good looks if there is nothing else on offer.

People like people who make them feel good and lift their spirits and give them attention. They don't like people with an agenda or who is trying to play a game or use a system.

Dave!

Mirror78 wrote: »

Well, the title says it all really.. my social life is very much hit and miss. More miss really.. I just don't have a good group of friends to go out with and do things with. It's really starting to get me down.

I do have friends, some very good ones. But increasingly I find I'm not sure how much in common we have these days. Often they are with gf's or doing their own things. If I suggest doing something, they're not interested in doing it. Not that they don't want to hang out or have other plans. They will just sit on their ass instead.

Trouble is, i'm very much a get up and go type of person but when it comes to this, I don't know how to fix it. The advice I'd give someone would be to get involved in lots of groups or take up a new sport. But I don't find that works. I'm involved in a number of different things, hell I even set up a new club myself recently. I find that although I have made friends through this, they are often friends only within that circle/activity. Things like "Do things you love and you will meet people you have lots in common with". Sounds great but it ain't working. By far the best way to meet people is through mutual friends. Which I don't have many of...

Everyone else seems to have a solid gang they have built up from school/college. This gives them a wide circle and lots of invitations to parties and so on. I just don't have that. I was very shy growing up. I'm WAY more socially confident now but I think maybe I'm still a little aloof. I expect others to make the moves and things. I'v tried reaching out to people but I'm just not sure how well it works. I feel as though they aren't interested. I was quite late realising the importance of other people/friendship but when I did it was too late.

It sounds ridiculous but at 23 It feels like it really is too late to make friends. And when you don't have friends you don't meet many girls. I'm a good looking guy but I never meet girls these days because of this..

I'd start with this. See can you organise something social stemming from the group/s that you're involved with. e.g. if it's someone's birthday, maybe send around an email suggesting you all go out and celebrate it. If you have any funds available, then maybe designate some of it as a "social fund", and offer to buy the drinks from that, to encourage people out.

If you're in a sports club which allows 1-on-1 matches (e.g. tennis), then see can you get someone to play you on their own. Or if not, if there's a team captain suggest to them organising a social night of some sort.

You might also give a Boards Beers a go

I know how you feel OP, I've often gotten p*ssed off that I didn't get in with a group in college, and I've lost touch with school people too. I do have a few groups of friends alright, but I'd like to have more!!

LegacyUser

OP here,

Thanks for the advice guys. Snafuk, I know exactly what you mean about being independent and not dependent on other people/friends. The thing is, while that definitely used to apply to me it doesn't anymore. I'm at a point where I have an interesting life full of different hobbies/circles etc. I'v also become very independent and am more than happy in my own company. I enjoy it in fact.

But while this is all great, at the end of the day, everyone needs friends. I'v spent far too many evenings in lately when I know others are out doing things. Especially over the summer, when people are away and everyone is doing their own thing. I'm just spending too much time on my own. The "Call" that others get at about 6pm to plan what to do tonight, I just never get it.

I guess there is no easy answer at all. I'v just missed out on a lot of solid opportunities like school and college to get a good group of friends. I was shy during the time when it really mattered. I know it's more than looks you need to get girls. I'm actually quite funny and personable. I'm surprised Snafuk that you said you don't need a good circle of friends to meet girls. I just really really lack a setting to meet people. For instance, any group I'm involved in, I often get on great with people and girls. But again, come Friday night, they all have their own friends, from school or college.

Maybe it just becomes extremely difficult to make friends as you get older? Or that I just need to make a huge effort to put myself out there and not be aloof.

LegacyUser

Mirror78 wrote: »

OP here,

Thanks for the advice guys. Snafuk, I know exactly what you mean about being independent and not dependent on other people/friends. The thing is, while that definitely used to apply to me it doesn't anymore. I'm at a point where I have an interesting life full of different hobbies/circles etc. I'v also become very independent and am more than happy in my own company. I enjoy it in fact.

But while this is all great, at the end of the day, everyone needs friends. I'v spent far too many evenings in lately when I know others are out doing things. Especially over the summer, when people are away and everyone is doing their own thing. I'm just spending too much time on my own. The "Call" that others get at about 6pm to plan what to do tonight, I just never get it.

I guess there is no easy answer at all. I'v just missed out on a lot of solid opportunities like school and college to get a good group of friends. I was shy during the time when it really mattered. I know it's more than looks you need to get girls. I'm actually quite funny and personable. I'm surprised Snafuk that you said you don't need a good circle of friends to meet girls. I just really really lack a setting to meet people. For instance, any group I'm involved in, I often get on great with people and girls. But again, come Friday night, they all have their own friends, from school or college.

Maybe it just becomes extremely difficult to make friends as you get older? Or that I just need to make a huge effort to put myself out there and not be aloof.

Hey OP, I'm the same in a way. I feel like I don't do enough during the week and the only time I really see my friends is at the weekends. Very rarely would one of them text and ask me to go for a walk or whatever (even that would be nice!), I have texted in the past but usually there's an excuse. Now one friend is good for that alright, in that I'd text her and she's usually up for a walk. But I would like to do more things during the week and for someone else to organise it!!

At the weekends, I'd like to go out dancing more but my friends never usually want to go to the same places as me or when it's me that's suggesting going out they never seem to want to go out properly (as in a club), it's just last bus home....

I am 27 years old and still have never had a boyfriend but to look at me you probably wouldn't think that as I am fairly chatty but when it comes to making new friends or getting a boyfriend I am clueless - I'm shy in my own way. I just wouldn't have a clue how to make friends -people say 'oh join a club' but there's nothing that I'm particularly interested in (God I sound very boring!).

Don't get me wrong my friends are the best in the world in their own way but sometimes I wish I had a bit more going on in my life so I know how you feel :-)

Lorna123

It is easy to join groups in order to meet people but it is not easy to find a friend. I do think too that the older you get the harder it gets. Joining groups and playing sports never worked for me either. It is like I am the only one who joined to make friends and the rest of the group already have them. :mad:

I don't know what the answer is OP except if you have any friends at all that you can contact for nights out then you be the one to contact them, don't wait for them to contact you or you will be left out most times. That seems to be the way it is with guys. They make plans but they never think to include everyone and if you are out of their sight at the time then you are out of their minds and they will go ahead wthout you. It is nothing personal, just the way it is. If you hear of any social outing then you remind everyone that you want to be included in that and then don't just leave it at that, text them coming closer to the event. You have to be the one doing all the work for anything to get off the ground. It seems unfair but it is worth it in the end.

Also, you sometimes have to do things that you are not that interested in doing just to have a social life. You won't find people who want to do what you want to do most of the time, unfortunately. Friends are hard work OP