I want a baby

LegacyUser

So I recently got married a month ago and my god, I'm so broody!

My husband and I agreed that we would wait a year or so until we start trying for children as we want to enjoy our first year of marriage and also, we need to try and get our finances back in order.

I was totally fine with this decision, however the past few months I have been dying to have a baby. We had a pregnancy scare whilst on honeymoon, and I took a test, with the result being negative.

I was quite surprised at my husbands reaction. He was quite excited at the idea of becoming a father and was asking me questions like, would I prefer a girl or a boy. He said he can't wait to become a father and it would make us a proper family.

But we know we should wait the year, however my problem is, I don't think I can wait the year. Has anyone any good advice?

Thanks a mill!

Gloomtastic!

As the saying goes 'there's never a right time to start a family'. However, my wife suggested we waited a few years after getting married before starting to enjoy ourselves.
Babies put such a strain on a relationship - you're both wrecked all the time, you're broke and then you have the maternal instinct that everything is going to kill your baby - that was the hardest thing for me to get used to TBH.
Let your relationship grow, then bless it with a baby, that's what I think but once the broody feeling takes hold, there's only one way to shake it!

Good luck to the both of you!

Ellsbells

I would hold on and enjoy the year. Life will never be the sane once baby arrives so it's good to spend time as a couple first

curlzy

I think the waiting a year is a good idea if you haven't been together too long. But if you're with each other years and you both want one now I think it's stupid to wait because of some imagined "best time". From what I hear there's no such things as a "best time" to have a child.

analucija

I agree with curlzy. I presume you two were living together, traveling together, having fun together for quite a while before you got married. If your finances are really all over the place then maybe you should sort that out first a little bit but otherwise I don't see a reason why living a year married would be so much different than living together unmarried. Then again I'm not married.

ifElseThen

You're broody so it wasn't a pregnancy scare, it was a pregnancy hope
We got married 3 years ago and conceived our first on the honeymoon.
We'd been together for 9 years and living together for 2 so were in essence living the married life before the marriage.
Finances were shot to ****(mortgages, loans, etc) but there was no way we were letting that get in the way of having a baby.
After a year off to mind his nibs, my wife became pregnant again and went back to work full-time for 7 months and we cleared off all the small loans and saved a bit to relieve the pressure during her year off for baby 2.
I disagree about children putting a strain on a rel, I think they are a natural complement to a relationship and draw you closer with that common bond that is there for life.
And sure there are times when I said 'I'm not having anymore' but I wouldn't change it for the world and I often wonder just what the hell was the point of my life before they arrived!
I'm of the opinion though, that it's all about the children so if your own time is important to you then maybe a little time before you have a child is a good idea.
For finances, one thing I'd recommend is avoid buying all the junk that you feel you have to get as first-time parents. That will save you a good bit. And don't be shy about getting a list of stuff you do need. Then get people who want to help to buy you these items instead of having 23 sets of the same outfit.
And then for your second, it's virtually cost-free as you have a lot of the stuff already.

iguana

When you both thought you might be pregnant it seems to have shifted your goalposts from where you had originally placed them. Why not discuss this with your husband again in light of your new feelings and his apparent new feelings. You might decide to move things forward or to stick to the original plan but at least you will have discussed them together and feel better about whatever new decision you make.

One thing to consider is that conception doesn't always happen easily and trying to conceive can be a tense time that isn't always that fun as there are only a few days each month that conception is likely to happen. Maybe one idea would be to not try to conceive for the next year or so, but to also stop trying to prevent conception. That way you can continue to enjoy a spontaneous sex life for the next while and if pregnancy happens during that time then that's something you are ready to deal with.

Piliger

Hi OP. As a father of a 20yo, I say WAIT.

I know you are feeling impatient ... but this is a huge journey you are on a cusp of embarking on. A journey that will take over your lives, for good, and for less than good sometimes. A journey through baby, toddler, active child, pre teen, teenager (...) and onward.

Take your time. Be ready, both emotionally and financially. This time is an investment that will pay off. Use the time to enjoy travel, social life and discuss things like schools, joint discipline, education savings account, etc etc.

Best of luck.

dellas1979

There are so many good reasons as stated above to not have baby at the moment, plus it is only a year.

But if the time feels right now, it feels right for a reason. Trust yourself and what you want.

mood

You could compromise and wait 6 months! If you can manage financially and are both in agreement it's not an issue.

Sleepy

Sit down with a pen and paper and write out your bucket list.

Now: how many of those things can you do with a kid? How many of those things can you afford to do in the next year or so?

Do as many of those things that you can't do with a kid, that you can afford to do over the next year and that would be better if you're still young. Then have your children and do the rest when they're grown.

LegacyUser

I would get your finances in order before having a baby. Look up the nca.ie website as it has a lot of information on it along with financial calculators so you see where you spend money and can save money. I had one friend who put off having a child for a while due to a few things. When she tried to get pregnant they had problems but could afford ivf.
She was in a position also to have a long period at home when the child was born. She now works part time.
I would wait at least 12 to 18 months before trying to have a baby so you both can enjoy your married life. This is the time to build your relationship before you have a child.
At the moment you have time to do things together and follow your own interests apart. You have time to chat and share things which helps make your relationship stronger.
When you have a baby at the later date you will be glad you had this time as a couple and you could also have money saved up so you don't have to go back to work the min your maternity leave is up. I know several couples who had babies/children with health problems which has been hard for them but because they had a strong relationship were able to cope better with this. One lady I know has a child who is healthy now after a few years medical problems. It is only now that she is spending time with her husband away from the child. She said I have to remember that we are more than Mammy and Daddy and is important for the child that we are a happy couple.

lazygal

I got pregnant soon enough after our wedding. We had stopped using any contraception just before we got married and were lucky to get pregnant within a few months. I wasn't that broody, until I realized how disappointed I was with negative tests. We were both delighted to find out we were expecting.

Here's my views. You don't know how long it will take you to get pregnant. I know people who tried to get pregnant for ten years and ended up going down the ivf route and then had to adopt. I know others who tried for a couple of years before they got pregnant. I know others who had 'unexplained infertility' and needed treatment. Unless you're both tested for any and all fertility problems before you start, you won't know if there's an issue. Most couples will get pregnant within a few months. But there's no guarantees and it can be heartbreaking to think you've 'wasted' time by waiting.
Why wait a year if you're both excited now? Finances, to be brutally honest, shouldn't be a factor unless you're really on the breadline and broke. Babies are as expensive as you want. We've borrowed most of the big items and bought lots of baby stuff on sale or online. It doesn't cost a fortune to kit out a baby, once you've some clothes, nappies, a car seat and somewhere for baby to sleep you're pretty much sorted.
It's easy for me to say this and I'm not in your situation, having agreed to wait a year. But I've just seen so many people wait for the 'right time' to have a baby, only to have nature teach them a harsh lesson. Women have a biological window during which to get pregnant and even despite medical advances, its short enough without putting it off.

Piliger

Well... when i got married way back, we wanted children but waited several years. In that time we disco'd, dinner'd, travelled. When we sat down and decided to have my son, and when we were stuck at home with a baby and getting up in the middle of the night and spending an hour getting ready to just go visit someone with a baby ... we felt totally happy to do it and happy we had our time and were completely ready for this new life. My two cents.