Am I being unreasonable?

Ms Tootsie

I am looking for some honest and unbiased opinions here

I just got engaged to my OH on Saturday and after much crying and champagne drinking we travelled to my home town to tell my parents, who were thrilled. Until I mentioned the date we were 'thinking' of getting married on, which was Feb 2014.

My brother (who is much younger than me and in his early 20's) got engaged 5 months ago and, due to financial reasons and needing to save, they set the date for August 2014.

Both my mum and brother are now accusing me of 'stealing his thunder' as we set our date before theirs even though they got engaged first.

To be honest I can understand their initial annoyance but I thought once I explained our reasonings they would be more understanding.

Both my OH and I wanted a late winter wedding as he suffers from migraines and is less prone to them at that time of year (it's all down to the weather). We also picked that date because we figured at 6 1/2 months before my brothers wedding we wouldnt be encroching on their special time. Dec is out as people are saving for Christmas and Jan is out because people are broke from Christmas. Feb is a shorter month and therefore there is less pressure on people financially. Plus my OH and I are in a secure enough position that we could afford to have a wedding within that time frame.

In an effort to offer and olive branch I also promised not to hire the same venue and we will be getting married in a different church. I also said that I would happily tell my brothers fiancee the colours I was thinking and if they were the same as hers I wouldnt mind changing. The important thing to me is that I am marrying my OH and I can't wait for it.

I have now been told by my mum that I am being horrible and that this whole fiasco has 'taken the shine of her first girl getting married'. My brother told me it was such a 'kick in the teeth from his own sister' and there has been fallings out over the whole thing.

They would prefer we wait until Feb 2015 (which I think is unfair, as we are older we would like to get started on the next stage of our lives together) or at least until two months after the wedding (which also isnt ideal as the OH tends to be struck with migraines a lot in the autumn as the weather is so changable).

I am thinking it is unfair being asked to put our lives on hold but in the excitement of the new engagement I am just wondering if I am thinking about myself. I am starting to think I shouold just push the wedding back to keep the peace but friends are telling me it is our wedding and we should do what suits us as it isnt like we are thinking of getting married a few weeks before them.

The whole thing has put such a dampner on what should be an amazing time for me and my fiance and I think this is what bothers me most about the whole situation.

I am just wondering if I am being unreasonable and looking for some unbiased advice, how would other boardsies feel in this scenario?

The Lovely Muffin

Tell them to get a grip, grow up and cop on. They are behaving like children.

You have you wedding when you want and not when your brother wants and if it bothers him so much he can change his date.

Neither your brother, brothers fiancee or your mother have any right whatsoever to dictate your wedding date.

As for you telling your brother you'll hire a different venue, get married in a different church and choose colour schemes to suit him and his fiancee - you are mad. Why the hell should you plan your wedding around him because he is throwing his toys out of the pram?

Continue on as you are, have your wedding when you want to have it, and let your brother and mother have their tantrum, they'll get it over it eventually, they'll have to as they won't have any other choice.

If they put pressure on you, ignore them and don't bow to their pressurising.

who_me

I'm gobsmacked by this - if it's truly as you describe.

My family had a very (very, very, very) mild version of this, but that's largely because we're a big family, augmented with nieces & nephews who are starting to marry & have kids too so the calendar is getting impossibly crowded with engagement parties, weddings, christenings and 'big' anniversaries & birthdays.

I know this doesn't help you much, but if my family reacted like that if/when I get married, I would simply say this: I'd have hoped that my own family could be happy for me and share in the biggest day of my life with me. If that isn't the case, then there's an easy solution. Don't turn up at my wedding if it presents such a problem for you.

It's, IMO, appalling selfishness on their part.

The Big Red Button

Nope, you're not being a bit unreasonable. Your family are.

Why on earth would you put your life on hold and postpone your wedding for a full year, like they're suggesting?!

It sounds like you've been extremely accommodating (suggesting that you'd discuss the colours with your brother's fiancé etc), I don't really see that there's much else you can do here, other than what you've mentioned already.

Honestly, I could see why there might be a problem if you had set a date a week or two before his. Six months either side (i.e. either before or after his date) is way more than enough time to leave in between.

Why does it matter so much to him/his fiancee/your mother which of ye gets married first?

If I were you, I wouldn't even enter into any more discussions with them on it. Tell them that the date is set, and that's it. Don't feel the need to compromise with them about this or any other aspect of your wedding - the day is for yourself and your fiancé. You're not doing anything wrong, and they're the ones being completely unreasonable here, so don't feel bad about it.

Ms Tootsie

The Lovely Muffin wrote: »

Tell them to get a grip, grow up and cop on. They are behaving like children.

You have you wedding when you want and not when your brother wants and if it bothers him so much he can change his date.

Neither your brother, brothers fiancee or your mother have any right whatsoever to dictate your wedding date.

As for you telling your brother you'll hire a different venue, get married in a different church and choose colour schemes to suit him and his fiancee - you are mad. Why the hell should you plan your wedding around him because he is throwing his toys out of the pram?

Continue on as you are, have your wedding when you want to have it, and let your brother and mother have their tantrum, they'll get it over it eventually, they'll have to.

ha! I wish I could print this and show it to my mother!

I am in the same frame of mind thinking he is being very childish about the whole thing. I guess that is the immaturity coming out as he is in his early 20s.
We are getting married in a different church anyway as his fiancee is from a different area and like me she wants to get married in her local church. I dont mind passing up on things like venues, colours and flowers anyway, at the end of the day I just care about getting married to himself rather than the material parts of the wedding.

Bobsammy

I think you are right in picking a date to suit yourself and your groom and definitely six months ahead of your brother is long enough that you're not overshadowing his big day.
The only thing I would point out is that you've mentioned a few times that he is your younger brother - when you told them about your date did you give any indication that you felt you should get married first because you're the eldest? If you did I can see why he might be a bit resentful.
If this is not the case then I agree that he is being unfair. You can't be expected to put your life on hold for him.

Ms Tootsie

who_me wrote: »

I'm gobsmacked by this - if it's truly as you describe.

My family had a very (very, very, very) mild version of this, but that's largely because we're a big family, augmented with nieces & nephews who are starting to marry & have kids too so the calendar is getting impossibly crowded with engagement parties, weddings, christenings and 'big' anniversaries & birthdays.

I know this doesn't help you much, but if my family reacted like that if/when I get married, I would simply say this: I'd have hoped that my own family could be happy for me and share in the biggest day of my life with me. If that isn't the case, then there's an easy solution. Don't turn up at my wedding if it presents such a problem for you.

It's, IMO, appalling selfishness on their part.

Oh it is very much like I have described. As I mentioned I could understand his initial frustrations but I thought once he genuinely had time to think about it then he would see it is a bit unreasonable asking us to wait until he has got married simply because he got engaged first. That's the reason he wants us to wait, he feels I should 'wait in line' and get married after him.

Ms Tootsie

Bobsammy wrote: »

I think you are right in picking a date to suit yourself and your groom and definitely six months ahead of your brother is long enough that you're not overshadowing his big day.
The only thing I would point out is that you've mentioned a few times that he is your younger brother - when you told them about your date did you give any indication that you felt you should get married first because you're the eldest? If you did I can see why he might be a bit resentful.
If this is not the case then I agree that he is being unfair. You can't be expected to put your life on hold for him.

To be honest when they got engaged I had the initial reaction of thinking that they were too young. But I said nothing at the time as I didnt want to ruin such a happy occasion. Once I had time to get used to the idea I realised that at the end of the day love isnt something you can really put a time frame on and the main thing is they are happy.

Before I met my OH I had very strong opinions on marriage and didnt think it was a path I would choose for myself so I have never been in the frame of mine that because I am the eldest I should get engaged or married first.

sweetie

Why not have it this coming spring if your fiances health allows? Lots of venues will be available and 7 or 8 months is plenty of time to plan and organise a wedding. That would leave nearly 18 months till your brothers. They are being childish and selfish btw!

Ms Tootsie

sweetie wrote: »

Why not have it this coming spring if your fiances health allows? Lots of venues will be available and 7 or 8 months is plenty of time to plan and organise a wedding. That would leave nearly 18 months till your brothers. They are being childish and selfish btw!

That was also suggested but the general feeling is that any date before theirs would garner the same reaction.

Clareman

Your brother wants to have 2 and a half years between engagement and wedding, tough cookies. Don't forget though that everyone gets crazy when it comes to their wedding and think it's the centre of the world, they can't understand that you aren't living around them.

Ms Tootsie

Clareman wrote: »

Your brother wants to have 2 and a half years between engagement and wedding, tough cookies. Don't forget though that everyone gets crazy when it comes to their wedding and think it's the centre of the world, they can't understand that you aren't living around them.

People really do get crazy! Myself and the OH are so laid back so I am hoping it stays that way

TheBody

I don't think you are being unresonable but the reality is that you have to decide whether you want to cause a divide in your family or not. If that's the way they feel, it doesn't really matter what other people think.

It's a tough decision but these things can get very personal and go on for years.

Ms Tootsie

TheBody wrote: »

I don't think you are being unresonable but the reality is that you have to decide whether you want to cause a divide in your family or not. If that's the way they feel, it doesn't really matter what other people think.

It's a tough decision but these things can get very personal and go on for years.

That's actually a great piece of advice. Thanks for that

As I said I have been thinking of just pushing the wedding back to keep the peace and save all the hassle. I think if that is the option we go with I would like my brother and mum know know that they have been very unreasonable and that they have put a dampner on a really special occasion for me and my OH. And I think the very least they could do is apologise and acknowledge the sacrafice we are making to simply keep them happy.

staker

This has happened in my family twice OP, both times no feelings of ill-will towards my sisters. If anything it gave them common ground and they were able to get stuff sorted together even though all 4 weddings were within 24 months of each other.
A pity it wasn't a sister of yours as ye could prepare some things together, but most alarming of all is your mam's reaction. I honestly would've thought any mother would be delighted to see her eldest daughter getting married and can't see her reasoning at all.
We've had births,weddings,anniversaries all thrown on top of each other and not once has anyone shown spite nor immaturity as regards timings.
What's gonna happen when maybe ye try for kids? -"What,sure Joe's wife is expecting the month after!"-Knock it on the head now,stick to your guns and they'll eventually see the wood for the trees.
I'm actually mad writing this:mad:

Ms Tootsie

staker wrote: »

What's gonna happen when maybe ye try for kids? -"What,sure Joe's wife is expecting the month after!"-Knock it on the head now,stick to your guns and they'll eventually see the wood for the trees.
I'm actually mad writing this:mad:

This is actually the same point that the OH raised about the whole thing

The Lovely Muffin

kaza2710 wrote: »

As I said I have been thinking of just pushing the wedding back to keep the peace and save all the hassle. I think if that is the option we go with I would like my brother and mum know know that they have been very unreasonable and that they have put a dampner on a really special occasion for me and my OH. And I think the very least they could do is apologise and acknowledge the sacrafice we are making to simply keep them happy.

I honestly do not think for one second you should change your wedding date to suit your brother and mother.

If the situation was reversed - would your brother get married at a date that suited you?

Would your mother speak to or treat your brother the way she is speaking to and treating you?

Be honest - if they wouldn't be happy for you to treat your brother like that, then why should you compromise on your wedding just to suit them and keep them happy?

By having your wedding at a time that suits them you are allowing them to walk all over you and your fiance and they will do it time and time again until you stand up to them.

The sooner you stand up to them the better, if you back down now, they know that by behaving the way they are, you will back down and they will get their own way.

By giving into them now you are only making a rod for your own back. Stand up to them and they'll soon get the message that they cannot walk all over you and dictate your wedding or any other part of your life/plans.

edanto

By all means print out this thread and show it to your Mum. She'll probably initially react, with a 'you put it on the internet' but then when she realises there is no way of identifying your family she'll probably - eventually - start to take on board what people are saying.

She, and your brother, are being exceptionally unreasonable and they should backtrack immediately before putting too much strain on family relations. It's not like your brother asked for your permission for the wedding date, and checked if you had anything similar planned a year or so either side of his intended date; of course he didn't do that, because it would be bonkers, impractical and unheard of.

It sounds very petty that he thinks he has a monopoly on all family weddings for the next 2 years. He chose a long engagement for his reasons (saving/age) whereas you are choosing a short engagement for your reasons - both are equally valid and it's really very upsetting for them to put this strain on you.

And to kaza2710's Mum if you're reading this..... I'm sure you're a wonderful Mum, and have nothing but love for these two children of yours (and others you may have). Please, please be fair though - and be as happy about one wedding as you are about the other, and understand the important reasons for the date choice. And be supportive. Being supportive means NOT pressurising someone to change things because it's not like what you had planned.

tinkerbell

Oh OP, you should not in ANY way compromise on your wedding. Your mother, brother and his fiancee are being completely unreasonable obnoxious twats. If you have a long engagement, this is what happens! They've sent a date for Aug 2014, what do they expect? That's 2 years away! Do they think people should just put their lives on hold? You are not to compromise on anything with them - go with the venue you want, go with colours you want, flowers etc.

Tell them they are being completely selfish and to expect you to wait til 2015 is downright pig ignorant and you are disgusted and disappointed by their begrudging. Keep your date at Feb 2014 and tell them that's the date, end of. It is YOUR day, not theirs. It is their problem that they decided to have a crazy long engagement, not yours. People just turn into such idiots with weddings. What you have to do is stick to your guns and take no crap, otherwise you'll end up with a day completely different to what you intended. It's you and your to-be husband's day, nobody elses.

Toots

My husband's sister got engaged 3 weeks after us and got married 11 months before we did. I'll admit I was a little put out about the engagement thing because they announced it 2 days before our engagement party whereas if I had been in there position I'd have waited until after. In your case there's 5 months between engagements which is absolutely fine.

It didn't bother me one bit that they were getting married before us, we were in our early 20s and I wanted to have a bit of time to lose some weight to go dress shopping and save up for the honeymoon etc. They're in their 30s and had been together about 12 years so there was no point in them hanging around when they could afford to do it sooner.

Honestly, I think 6 months is plenty of time between the weddings, your brother is being totally unreasonable and so is your mother. She should be keeping out of it altogether. Even if you did end up going for the same church and venue, so what? They don't have a monopoly on all the churches and venues in your area. I would plan the day the way you want it and let that be that, if they don't like it that's their problem. I'd also be slow to divulge too much of the details of your plans to them in case you get 'Oh but we wanted those flowers/ that cake/ that band etc' and they start another row.

Daisy M

We had our wedding planned 18mths in advance and 7.5 months before our wedding my older sister announced she was getting married in 6 months, 6 weeks before me. I was gobsmacked to be honest. I lived out of the country at the time and had to compromise majorly on our honeymoon in order to afford to attend her wedding plus use some of my carefully saved holiday days. I didn't make a fuss even though I did think it was a little unfair. Many many other people thought she was a bi**h especially as she never asked what I thought before she announced it all. I refused to be drawn into any badmouthing. She booked a different venue to me and made it clear it was because she didnt like my chosen venue, this was said in front of me. She also made comments about hating weddings with more than 120 guests, I was having 200!! In short she behaved terribly but I managed to say nothing as I didn't want my wedding to be associated with any bad feeling.
I am glad now I did.

Personally I think 6 months between the weddings is plenty of time and that your brother is been a drama queen and your mother is not behaving very motherly. If I were you I would be tempted to get married abroad.

triona1

Hi op.
What does your Dad say in all this,I see you mentioned you went to tell your parents.
Can you talk to him and see what he can do to sort them all out any father would be over the moon his son/daughter was getting married and daddies are more laid back when it comes to these thing's.
We were getting married in the registry office to save money and my Husbands dad flipped and insisted on paying the full cost of the church wedding as you know flowers red carpet singers the works.He may be afraid to say anything i'd have a chat with him.

Gatica

Entirely unreasonable. This rings of favouritism to me. Sometime parents just have a favourite, no problems there, they're entitled to it, but to be so unsympathetic to the rest of their kids is just ridiculous.
Sometimes such favouritism arises when a sibling is sickly or had a bad childhood so the parents protect them into adulthood and to the point ridiculousness.

Your bro and his fiancee are the ones that cannot afford the wedding and are pushing it out by 2 years. That's usually a fairly long engagement. Not that many people have such a long engagement, and if they do, I'm sure they don't expect all weddings to be postponed til after their own one.
Would he feel the same way if one of his friends got engaged and wanted to get married before him? Or is this more of a sibling rivalry?

When we got engaged we were keeping it quiet til after our friends' engagement party (they were engaged a long time but due to family health etc had to postpone the party a couple of times, so we could wait another couple of weeks, no problems there), another 2 of our friends got engaged 2 weeks after us and announced it before the party and were congratulated at our friends' party. I was a tad annoyed (just jealous really) as all our friends were there and we would've loved to've announced it to all of them and celebrated together, but we just felt it was fairer to the party hosts (lets call them M&A) to have their night and not have their thunder stolen. However, this was a matter of a couple of weeks. No one in their right mind would/could expect the same if it was months apart.

You've mentioned that you're a bit older than your brother and would love to just get on with the next stage of your life. Getting married, maybe starting a family. These are by far higher priorities than some selfish sibling's wedding. Are you to put your life and your priorities on hold so they can have a lavish wedding (I'm assuming they're saving that long and hard for a large affair)?

Personally I would feel a year to postpone is way too long. The same friends of ours that got engaged after us wanted to have their wedding 6 months later and 1 month before the said M&A hosts' wedding. No one batted an eye-lid, we're a considerate bunch . It crossed my mind they could've waited at least in that instance and not stolen our friends M&A's "moment" a second time around. Thankfully due to circumstances (not thankfully due to their finances, cos wouldn't be happy for that or anything) they ended up planning it >6months after M&A's wedding.
In that instance, it was understandable as it was a short enough period of time. This does NOT apply if its 2 years or more!

Definitely tell them to get their act together. If you're worried about confrontation. Then just go ahead and enjoy planning your wedding with your OH. Book your dates, your venue, church, flowers etc... When it's ready let them know the time and place and if they choose not to attend (which I'm sure they will attend, or else they're even more self absorbed than we here realise) then that's their problem. You have a right to be just as selfish about your wedding as he is being about his (and having your wedding before theirs is not even selfish). If anything you've tried to be accommodating, but they obviously don't deserve such consideration. So just proceed with your own plans.

WhatNowForUs?

triona1 wrote: »

Hi op.
What does your Dad say in all this,I see you mentioned you went to tell your parents.
Can you talk to him and see what he can do to sort them all out any father would be over the moon his son/daughter was getting married and daddies are more laid back when it comes to these thing's.
We were getting married in the registry office to save money and my Husbands dad flipped and insisted on paying the full cost of the church wedding as you know flowers red carpet singers the works.He may be afraid to say anything i'd have a chat with him.

Good God leave the poor da out of this. I'm sure he thinks its all crazy and everybody should just get on with it.

For his sake don't drag him into it. The poor fellow just wants a peaceful life. Don't for the love of God get him to make a stand.

P.S. (Obviously I'm speaking for him through what I would want and I don't actually know if this is the case)

stinkle

OP I totally understand where you're coming from - we're trying to settle on a date at the moment too, and there are so many pros and cons about certain times of the year. Like your OH, there's a particular time of year that really wont suit my fiance so we're thrashing potential dates out ourselves at the moment - I can only imagine the trauma if we involved our families!!!! Everyone has an opinion!

Your brother and mam sound like groomzilla and mammy-of-the-groomzilla!!!! If you dont mind me saying so of course. Im sure they really must have hurt your feelings and those of your OH. The migraine problem is totally understandable. Also, 6 months is plenty of time. One of my cousins got engaged recently, turns out their wedding will be approx 6 months before ours - a few people have mentioned to me that it was rude of her to not enquire with me first (in case our dates clashed), but ya know we aren't that close, shes older and they don't need to save for as long as we do, plus our date isn't definite so if I'd had a problem with her then really it'd be my problem alone! A 6 month gap is quite long.

triona1

@WhatNowForUs?
Jasus I didn't mean for her to ask him to start a riot i worded it maybe wrong i should have said to try sort it all *out*not them all.
She needs a parent right now and she may be very close to him like most daughters are to their Dads.
Why would anyone suggest for family members to take sides.
I can hear the song i predict a riot as the wedding song in your tone WhatNowForUs? .

AD 80

You are in no way being unreasonable. You are not causing any problem for anyone. You're only upsetting their pre-conceived notions of some social convention or other that they've been brainwashed with. Don't even listen. Go ahead, do your own thing and they'll get over it. It won't cause a divide because realistically in a few years they won't be able to justify having an issue with you over this. It will seem petty and ridiculous even to them. Good Luck.

Ms Tootsie

Hi folks

Thanks so much for all your responses, I was really thinking I was in the wrong judging by their reactions.

I had a chat with my dad yesterday and then I went out to dinner with my sister (who will also be my chief bridesmaid) and then myself and the hubby to be had a number of discussions about it since we first encountered the problem.

My dad's response was that he just wanted me to be happy and that all this rowing was clearly making me feel the opposite. He offered to speak to my brother for me.

My sister feels that due to my brothers age he is looking at the wedding as a big party whereas I see it as the step to the next stage of my life with the OH.

My OH is beyond furious. Not at being asked to wait but at the fact that my brother raised this issue less than half an hour after we told him about our engagement. he really brought us back down from cloud 9 with a bang and my OH is furious that he ruined such a special occassion for me. I can understand where he is coming from, his main concerns here are how I feel. After we chatted about it we agreed the main thing for us is that we want to get married and at the end of the day this one day will pass but the family arguements might not so we are looking at a date for 6 weeks after my brothers. It might seem like backing down (which it is in a way) but I want to be the bigger person and I want to be able to stand at the aisle on my wedding day, looking up at the OH and not having any regrets about family arguments or (the extream option) of family actually deciding not to go to our wedding.

The OH also feels it gives us more time to save and in the next two years we can still go on holidays and not have to worrying about depleting the savings we currently have. We are also going to seriously over indulge ourselves with a honeymoon to die for.

I also feel that as we have a large number of close friends who have emigrated to Australia and Canada, a long engagement will mean there will be more chance that the bulk of our friends will be able to save for flights and therefore join us on our special day.

Bigger person that I might be, I have issued some strong conditions. I want to know wedding colours so I can make sure ours will be different. I want an apology from my brother within in the next seven days for ruining such a special occassion. Finally (and this is the really petty part which might take away from the whole me being the bigger person thing :rolleyes: ) when people ask at our engagement party why we are waiting so long, both the OH and me have agreed to tell them that my brother insisted that we were not allowed to get married before him as he felt it would be stealing his thunder. We will say it as non-chalantly as possible but under no circumstances am I saying it was any other way.

When I informed my mother that we were thinking of having the wedding 6 weeks after my brothers he asked me to call him and check that the date was ok with him :eek: she got sharply and firmly told that the date was after his and that was enough, under no circumstances would he be dictating any other part of our wedding and if he had a problem with it either he sucks it up or we go back to our initial date.

Now that this is all over and done with I hope I can start looking forward to planning the day with the OH and I will be keeping the majority of the details to myself so that the groomzilla that my brother is, cannot ruin anything else on me.

who_me

kaza2710 wrote: »

Oh it is very much like I have described. As I mentioned I could understand his initial frustrations but I thought once he genuinely had time to think about it then he would see it is a bit unreasonable asking us to wait until he has got married simply because he got engaged first. That's the reason he wants us to wait, he feels I should 'wait in line' and get married after him.

I can kind of understand their feelings, if - say - he announced a wedding with a few months notice, and soon after you announced a wedding with a few weeks notice and were getting married before him. Or if your wedding was very close to his (say, a week). Even if I were in those situations, I might be briefly miffed, and then realise I should be happy for my bro/sis, it's another reason to celebrate and be happy.

But did someone say his engagement was 2.5 years?!? How on Earth can you plan a wedding that far off, and then demand no one else can have a big occasion in the meantime. There's a 6 month gap! You could nearly have a baby in that time! :P

I think I'll announce a 10-year engagement; and stop all family weddings until then. Who here will marry me in 10 years' time?

p.s Interesting update! Hope you all can be happy with that resolution, and can enjoy both big days (... and hope your wedding blows theirs out of the water!)

tinkerbell

OP, good for you for standing up to them however you are letting your brother and mother get their way and it's totally wrong. You should have your wedding when YOU want to have it, not post-poning it by another 7+ months just because your brother said so.

eadire

I understand exactly how ya fell, the same thing has happened me but a little different me and my OH got engaged nearly 4 years ago now and we decided this year to go for it next year and decided on a date, my brother had got engaged two years after us and got thick with me because we booked our wedding and that was his............. wait for it............ year. But me and my OH told him to grow up even though I am a good ten years younger than him and he has finally got over. My thoughts on it is go for it what ever makes you and your OH happy is what you should do.
Best wishes for your future.

woodchuck

OP I get the feeling that your brother won't be any happier with the wedding being six weeks after his. If he's not going to be happy either way, why not just have it when you really want it!?

Shellygoose

I'm surprised no-one else has suggested this.......Double Wedding????? i joke i joke!!

triona1

Hate to say it but why don't you go bridezilla all the bells and whistles and the date you want.That will shut them up.Seems to be the only way.

gimmick

Would your brothers wedding have been the first family wedding? If yes, then I would not agree with you, if no, it is not a big deal.

Calhoun

kaza2710 wrote: »

Bigger person that I might be, I have issued some strong conditions. I want to know wedding colours so I can make sure ours will be different. I want an apology from my brother within in the next seven days for ruining such a special occassion. And (this might seem petty) but I don't want him involved in the wedding. He will be welcome as a guest but after all of this I wouldnt feel comfortable having him in the wedding party or doing a reading and pretending he has been nothing but thrilled for us. Finally (and this is the really petty part which might take away from the whole me being the bigger person thing :rolleyes: ) when people ask at our engagement party why we are waiting so long, both the OH and me have agreed to tell them that my brother insisted that we were not allowed to get married before him as he felt it would be stealing his thunder. We will say it as non-chalantly as possible but under no circumstances am I saying it was any other way.

When I informed my mother that we were thinking of having the wedding 6 weeks after my brothers he asked me to call him and check that the date was ok with him :eek: she got sharply and firmly told that the date was after his and that was enough, under no circumstances would he be dictating any other part of our wedding and if he had a problem with it either he sucks it up or we go back to our initial date.

Now that this is all over and done with I hope I can start looking forward to planning the day with the OH and I will be keeping the majority of the details to myself so that the groomzilla that my brother is, cannot ruin anything else on me.

Honestly OP i think your priorities are a bit off, bowing under family pressure just so you can be the bigger person. What will you do when it happens again? You have sent a message that this behavior is ok.

Still its your decision to make but if i had one suggestion it would be to have your mother installed as a guest or not have her and your brother there. They have both shown how little the think of you, even after you compromised you were asked to check with your brother . The neck on your mother, I know for my wedding only people that are happy to share in the joy will be there, anyone else wont be welcome.

One final thing please remember that there is only one person that can make your day worse and that is yourself. Know what you want and do what it takes (within reason) to get it , do not compromise any further.

Best of luck

Gatica

kaza2710 wrote: »

When I informed my mother that we were thinking of having the wedding 6 weeks after my brothers he asked me to call him and check that the date was ok with him :eek:
she got sharply and firmly told that the date was after his and that was enough, under no circumstances would he be dictating any other part of our wedding and if he had a problem with it either he sucks it up or we go back to our initial date.

woodchuck wrote: »

OP I get the feeling that your brother won't be any happier with the wedding being six weeks after his. If he's not going to be happy either way, why not just have it when you really want it!?

Calhoun wrote: »

Honestly OP i think your priorities are a bit off, bowing under family pressure just so you can be the bigger person. What will you do when it happens again? You have sent a message that this behavior is ok.

I think I agree with the above posters. You've succumbed to their completely selfish, self-indulgent and entirely inconsiderate demands. The fact the your mother responded with a "check with him", just shows how little they're trying to accommodate you or consider your feelings. They're also not taking your peace offering graciously or gratefully.
The cheek! You should've said if that's the case, then you just pick the date you want in the first place. Likely, they may moan and even have a puss on at your wedding, but they will attend and they will have fun in as much as they'll try not to.
Your OH sounds like a gem, he's right to want to stand up for you.

angeldelight

I think they're being very unreasonable, and I can see how it's upsetting for you. However lots of us saying "stuff them, have your wedding when you want" is all well and good but at the end of the day this is your parents, your brother etc who you don't want to fall out with. You want them to be happy for you on your big day, not resenting it.

What about a compromise? Loads of people have Christmas weddings, and once people know well in advance they can generally budget for them. If you had your wedding around Christmas 2013, and send out some save the dates six months or so beforehand I can't see any of the people you really want there having an issue with it. I've been at lots of family weddings around Christmas and once I knew about it and could plan accordingly I've never minded at all. The advantages to you are you're married sooner, it's still at a time when your OH should hopefully be migraine-free, and you get your family back on side (which to be fair is important, not just for your wedding but for the rest of your life), and for your brother it gives a bit more space before his wedding and it's also a different year (more a psychological thing but could be a selling point to him).

As I said I don't think it's fair that they've reacted this way, but they have. Your choices are to go ahead with the date you had in mind and be prepared that they may not come round leading to bitterness surrounding your wedding, do what they want and defer until 2015 which to be honest is a really long time away, or compromise. I know which I'd do

angeldelight

kaza2710 wrote: »

My OH is beyond furious. Not at being asked to wait but at the fact that my brother raised this issue less than half an hour after we told him about our engagement. he really brought us back down from cloud 9 with a bang and my OH is furious that he ruined such a special occassion for me. I can understand where he is coming from, his main concerns here are how I feel. After we chatted about it we agreed the main thing for us is that we want to get married and at the end of the day this one day will pass but the family arguements might not so we are looking at a date for 6 weeks after my brothers. It might seem like backing down (which it is in a way) but I want to be the bigger person and I want to be able to stand at the aisle on my wedding day, looking up at the OH and not having any regrets about family arguments or (the extream option) of family actually deciding not to go to our wedding.

I only saw this after my other long post sorry :rolleyes:

I just want to say, be 100% sure you're so happy to have your wedding 6 weeks after them. It's now 7 weeks to my wedding and there is so much fun and excitement and hype building up that I am having the time of my life. I'm not a big bridezilla type who has been all oh this is my wedding it's all about me etc etc but now that it is all about us it's so much craic. I really would hate, knowing now how exciting it all is, to be sharing this time with someone so close. Think about things like when you'll have the hen/stag parties - can't be too close to their wedding or people will complain etc.

Just something to think about - whatever ye decide I hope everything turns out brilliantly

overthere!

Nothing unreasonable about what you are doing at all, but you need to nip the childishness in the bud fairly quickly. My fiancee is from a large family and 2 of his older brothers... well actually the two sister-in-laws have become so petty and childish that it has split the family in two.

It all started out that one couple got engaged and the other couple fell pregnent within a few months. Needless to say they were not given much of a choice but to get married too such was they whole stigma of getting pregnant outside marriage thing in the darkages! :rolleyes:

Their kids are now in there late teens and EVERYTHING is a big completition between them.....i mean down to the smallest stupidest things like 'my new born niece is cuter than your new born baby' bull****!:mad:

Tell them to get a grip or it will lead to lot of ill feeling..... after all its not your fault they have decided to put their wedding on hold. its not as if your not trying to comprimise with them with the church and venue etc.

they are being unreasonable!!!!!!!

Ms Tootsie

Hi everybody

I just want to say thanks so much for all your advice and pointers. Having taken it all on board, waited for the dust to settle and discussed the matter between the people that matter in all of this (myself and my OH) we have decided to go ahead with an earlier wedding. After all, it is our day. We booked the venue, church and all for Nov 2013 which is 9 months before my brothers (to give them an even bigger gap between the two) and then broke the news to everyone.

My mum was fine with it. She said it's a different year and a different season and gives the brother plenty of a build up to his. She also said her main issue in the first place was with the chopping and changing and she felt 6 months was a little to close to his as because I am the first girl very few people will be talking about his big day until mine is over. Once we chatted about it I could see her points and she could also see mine. We both agreed now it is booked we can all put the fiasco behind us. She even took me dress shopping on Saturday.

My brother however has taken the very mature highroad of not speaking to me. At this point, I dont care. He has over a year to get off his high horse and be happy for me. At this stage I just want to enjoy all the fun, planning and celebrations and if I take on board his immaturity it will only take away from it all. Thats all it is at the end of the day - immaturity and I sure as hell am not going to let him ruin such a special occassion.

My dad has said he has a few weeks to get off his high horse or he will be having words with him as it's very unfair this time should be tainted by a 22 year old man acting like a two year old who has just had his toy car taken off him because he wont eat his vegetables.

At the end of the day myself and the OH want to get married and we dont see why we should put our lives on hold because someone else in my family chose to have an extreamly long engagement.

Thanks again!

Gatica

That's great to hear! That's a very good compromise for all I think. Your parents have thankfully come around to seeing your point of view. Hopefully so will your brother. In either case, enjoy the planning and the build up to YOUR wedding.

woodchuck

Well done OP! Hopefully your brother will come around, but at least you can rest easy knowing you've done absolutely nothing wrong and haven't given into the tantrum of a spoiled child. Happy planning

tinkerbell

Well done OP. Your brother sounds like a totally spoiled git, let him off. He is being completely unreasonable.

scrumqueen

Glad to hear you settled on a date OP, enjoy this time and forget about your brother, he is being beyond unreasonable, he will come around eventually, maybe after your dad talks to him.

elbee

I hope you and your partner have a lovely day, OP, and I'm glad things have worked out

Don't give your brother a thought, he'll come around in his own time or your dad will have words with him - either way, don't let him have any more of an effect on your happiness than he has already!

iguana

Good for you. You shouldn't have to put your life on hold because he thinks he can book a quarter of a decade of exclusive specialness for himself.

And tell your brother that if he doesn't cop himself on you'll make a point of getting pregnant on your wedding night, just so you can give birth on his.

Jems

Just read through this...something amazing about these kind of stories that you can't believe are true..what is it about weddings?!

I was delighted OP that you stuck with the earlier wedding as is wholly your entitlement to get wed when you and your OH want. Its quite amazing that your brother felt like he could put a kybosh on all family weddings for over TWO years...thats nuts!

He will look back on this when you are all married a few years and see he was a total immature gobsheen. There is a great build up in the last few months to your wedding and ultimately after it all, its over and you are just a married couple...It is a special day with lovely memories but life returns to normal very quickly. I'm married 2 months

A november wedding will be lovely as after you return from honeymoon etc you have christmas to meet up with your families again after it all. Best of luck with the planning and hope ye have a fab day!