am i being unreasonable

LegacyUser

Hi first off all thanks for reading and for voicing your opinions

I was in a relationship with me ex and we broke up for a variety off things.

I live and work in Dublin and have quite a good job i think and have the prospect of buying the business in the next year or two, and she lives down in the midlands and has two kids and stays at home mum.

When we were together i use to travel down to her at the weekends and she very rarely came up here even to visit my family, i could count on one hand tbh how many times she came up to visit them and my parents never met her kids even thought i asked her to bring them up.

She wants me to give up my job and move down there with her but yet again she wont meet me half way and consider moving from where she lives.

Am i being unselfish or what as i thinking i have a very good job which i love and enjoy and she wants me to give it up just to be with her.

Ellsbells

Why would you give up everything to move beside your ex?

LegacyUser

Sorry we broke up but we still talking and we were trying to make things work again but she want me to move down there with her if we make a go off it again

Ellsbells

God no way.... You would want to be making a success of the relationship for a long time before you should consider giving up anything for her...

Can you not commute and do both? Maybe stay up 1 night per week? Dont give up your future for a relationship thats as rocky as this.

LegacyUser

Sorry when we were a couple i use to travel down to her every weekend for nearly 3 years i use to go down friday after work and come back sunday or early monday morning.

I would be prepared to travel down again but not all the time and she wants me to, we broke up last year and i have travelled down twice to see her and she hasnt come up once, she wants me to travel down tomorr but i cant and she pissed off with me but i can do it next wk but she going out drinking with her friends and thats it.

Ellsbells

Doesn't sound great tbh. She isn't willing to compromise for you so why would you give up anything for her. I wouldn't.

How long is the drive?

P. Breathnach

idt wrote: »

... i can do it next wk but she going out drinking with her friends and thats it.

That tells me all I need to know. She is not prepared to modify a social plan to accommodate you, but she wants you to turn your life upside down for her.

Move on.

LegacyUser

round trip is around 260 miles

AhInFairness

I don't think you're being unreasonable in not wanting to give up your job to move to her. However, I think it is unreasonable to expect her to uproot 2 kids if they are in school. You haven't mentioned any ages though. If they are young, is it possible that leaving them for a weekend to come to you isn't possible for her? Getting a babysitter for one night to go out with her friends isn't really comparable to going to you regularly in Dublin.

If the kids arent young and she's unwilling to compromise at all then perhaps you should stay broken up.

Piliger

Hi OP. This sounds like the most godawful one sided relationship ever. Honestly. She wants, she wants, she wants .........

Is this really what you want out of life ?

Sleepy

I'd absolutely echo what P Breathnach and Piliger are saying. Yes, she has children who would have to move school etc. if she were to move up here to be with you but you'd have to give up your means of providing for yourself to be with her, babysitting clearly isn't an issue if she can go out drinking with her mates.

If she can't change her plans for a weekend for you why would you even countenance throwing your life away for her?

okiss

No. You have a good job in Dublin and in time you may be able to buy into the company your working for at the moment.
You met this lady a few years ago and you have been traveling down every weekend to see her. She won't go to Dublin at the weekend for you. I know she has two children but I am sure she has friends or family who could mind them for her.
At this stage if she is serious about you she should be spending a weekend a month in Dublin. She should keen to met your family and friends also.
When she knows them better she should be asking you could she bring the children with her some weekend for you all to stay together.
You have told her about your job and she should be supporting you in this regard by asking questions and wanted to meet your boss and co workers.
All relationships require give and take. I don't like saying this but at the moment you are doing all the giving and she is unwilling make any changes to her life. As for her suggesting that you move down and live with her don't.
I would not give up a good job and possibly a very good future for someone who is unwilling to make any changes in there life for both your futures.
This lady sounds like someone who is happy to drift along, expecting to be there every weekend when long term you want more.
I would tell her that unless she is willing to make some changes that you will no longer be a couple.

thefeatheredcat

It does sound fairly one sided in that you have made tons of effort in the past to accommodate perhaps expenses and regards to the children (what are the ages? are we talking young children not in school, children of school age or JC/LC age?). I do dislike the fact she is able to accommodate a social night for herself but is unwilling to sacrifice it in order to have time with you. That does stick out to me and I'd see that as a red flag (I do bear in mind that if the kids are young social nights drinking might be otherwise few and far between) more so because of the lack of willing to take the time for you when it's suitable. I would think someone wishing to rekindle a relationship would really make an effort to pull out all the stops and be available to meet up especially if something as serious as one partly to the relationship considering relocating is on the cards for the relationship to flourish.

As for your job.... I would look at it being a huge gamble leaving a secure job that you love and possibly might be purchasing it in the future to moving to the midlands that might have nothing to offer you in terms of work.

I honestly think you would really have to put yourself first here and consider your livelihood and career and its long term viability over a possible but imbalanced (by what you have described) relationship.

I don't think you uprooting yourself and making all the sacrifices for someone who so far has shown themselves to be unaccommodating and unwilling to inconvenience themselves for the relationship would be in your best interests.

Personally I find your plans about your job and what you hope to do isn't actually fitting in with her fantasy of you giving up your job and future in that to move to what could end up being to you as the middle of nowhere with nothing really to do but pretend to be happy and having feelings of resentment in giving up everything.

I'd feel you'd need to take this one very slowly and not rush to moving; I think if there is to be something more permanent there her and her children meeting your parents/family and understanding your passion for your job must come first long before you move; and even if you do move, I still think it should be something of a compromise with there still being a future for you such as suitable employment.