advice needed about relationship

LegacyUser

So basically I really need some advice because I don't know what to do..I've been going out with my boyfriend for 6years and I'm considering breaking up with him because he treats me like dirt. All our friends are mutual so I don't have anybody to turn to and if I told my parents they'd be disgusted and never want anything further to do with him...

I've just come upstairs because right as we sat down to eat he started criticizing the meal I had made for him in a very rude way with a big puss on his face. He picks apart almost everything I do and as soon as he walks in the door in the evening I'm met with a grumpy attitude and then an outburst when he's found something(anything) to complain about. He hardly ever compliments me or notices the positive things about my behavior.I also feel hurt by the way he questions everything I say-it's almost like he thinks I'm bull****ting or confused about what I'm talking about. This has made me extremely self conscious when talking in a group and its so embarrassing when he's like that in front of our friends as I'm made feel like a bimbo..

On top of this he hardly shows me any affection/cuddling-I have to ask for it! I have to beg for a cuddle and even when he does it feels forced.He is ridiculously uncomfortable with PDAs and many ppl outside of our group have been shocked when they found out we were a couple-it's like I embarrass him or something? Yet he has all the time in the world for his female friends and treats them with a lot of respect and thinks they're wonderful(one of them in particular) This makes me feel like **** after all we've shared-travelled the world together ffs yet I'm on the bottom of his list of priorities?

To be honest he seems to be a bit of a 'manboy'-he never discusses marriage or kids or any sort of future commitments whatsoever and he's 29? I don't have any intention of doing those things myself for at least another few years but I do realize I'm not 18 anymore and I have enough respect for my partner of 6 years not to mess them about.

This has all had a very bad effect in the bedroom aswell because for me you can't have a physical connection without the emotional one and it's been badly worn over the last two years...I'm not perfect myself but I have put my heart and soul into this and I'm beginning to feel like a fool.. I don't know if I should just walk or what at this stage? Has anybody else had something like this happen in their relationship?

Fiona

You are not happy, this man clearly does not have the respect for you that you deserve. You have two choices.

Get out, make a new life for yourself.

Stay put and be miserable forever.

The decision is yours. Best of luck x

The Lovely Muffin

Get out of that relationship as fast as you can.

He sounds like an asshole and he sure as hell has absolutely no right whatsoever to treat you the way he is.

The best thing you can do is to leave him. You can make new friends and I'm sure if your friends knew exactly how he has been treating you they wouldn't have too much time for him either.

The longer you stay with him and allow him to treat you like this the worse your self esteem and confidence will become. Get out now before that happens.

And definitely tell your parents, you need their support, what you don't need, is a boyfriend who treats you like dirt. He should be ashamed of himself.

batsherlashes

You cannot stay with someone who treats you like that because of mutual friends. You don't feel comfortable with him, and that speaks volumes. If you're happier being away from him than speaking to or being around him, you need to leave! It is not good for you to be around someone who upsets you this much. Mutual friends can be awkward after a break up. But you need to suck it up. You've been with him for six years, you should both be able to be grown up about it. Break it off as amicably as you can. Because he doesn't sound like a very nice person he might react badly, but if you act mature about it, your friends will clearly see he is being unreasonable. And it gets better with time. I think you know what you have to do, you just need to summon up your courage to do the right thing!

paddymayoman

Fellas like that piss me off big time treating their partners like dirt,you deserve better.

beks101

Your boyfriend is a bully and what you're dealing with is emotional abuse.
I know six years is a long time, but it's six years too many when it comes to this kind of treatment, which is profoundly damaging on your self esteem.

Put yourself first. Call it a day with this man.

stargazer 68

at my wits end wrote: »

and if I told my parents they'd be disgusted and never want anything further to do with him...

when he's like that in front of our friends as I'm made feel like a bimbo..

I have to beg for a cuddle

To be honest he seems to be a bit of a 'manboy'-he never discusses marriage or kids or any sort of future commitments whatsoever and he's 29?

1 - why is that a problem - good on your parents.
2 - So your mutual friends know he is a prat
3 - Really???
4 - Why would you want to discuss that with him?

Seriously OP - look at what you have written and the replies you have received. Why would you want to stay with someone like that when you could be with someone who will treat you so much better. Even by yourself is better than this toxic relationship. You say you are considering breaking up with him because he treats you badly - then do it now xx

Beruthiel

at my wits end wrote: »

I've just come upstairs because right as we sat down to eat he started criticizing the meal I had made for him in a very rude way with a big puss on his face.

Did you say anything to him when he started that?
My hubby wouldn't dream of slagging off something I cooked, if he did, he'd know he'd be cooking his own dinner tomorrow.

If you go to the trouble of spending your spare time cooking a meal for your partner, they had better thank you for doing that or face the consequences.

He has no respect for you OP.
Now don't take this the wrong way, but you have allowed him to behave like this towards you.
By that, I mean, you are still there with him.
You have not walked out the door.
By staying, your actions have told him that you are happy enough to put up with this treatment.
Stop being his doormat OP.
Stop thinking about the fact that all your friends are mutual.
Stop being miserable.
Until you leave this mentally abuse relationship you will continue to be unhappy.
You deserve better.
You deserve to be with a man who truly appreciates you.
You cannot live the next 70 odd years of your life like this. What would be the point of that?
Walk now.
In a years time, you will wonder why you didn't leave sooner.

Neyite

Op, I was with someone similar to this in my late twenties- critical of dinners I made, would put me down in public, and was manipulative with affection, and so on. He took his moods out on me, and it was a nightmare. He was also verbally abusive, which began to get physically abusive just before I left.

What clinched it for me was funnily enough, dinner. I was making dinner, (and I can rustle up a pretty decent meal) and he giving out, telling me I was a stupid c**t for putting the pasta in the water before it was fully boiled. Now, I had been so used to his name calling, because he was "only messing" and that I had "no sense of humour" or was "hormonal" if I pulled him on the names, I was used to being called all sorts and not showing a reaction.

Anyway, so there I was in the kitchen, and him sneering calling me a stupid c**t, and it just hit me. A vision of him in years to come, doing that with maybe our son or daughter joining in with daddy "slagging" Mammy. It was then I knew I would end up downtrodden and defeated and disrespected by my own family if I made one with him, and I knew that would break my heart. Shortly afterwards I left and never looked back.

Now, I know you are not thinking about marraige yet, maybe you never want children, but my example extends to his treatment of you in front of his family, or yours, your friends or maybe your colleagues.

What you deserve is somebody who acknowledges you went to the trouble of making them a meal and thanks you for it. You deserve someone who notices you look tired after a day at work and hugs you and makes you a cuppa. You deserve someone who is respectful of you in the company of others. You deserve more. Much more than him. You sound like you have so much love and affection to give, and its wasted on an ungrateful git like him.

curlzy

OP,

Can you see what every single poster is saying? They're telling you to leave him, that speaks volumes, nearly every poster is told to talk to their partner and try to work it out but they're telling you to run. You know why? It's because your partner is an abuser. He's mentally abusing you and publicly abusing you. GET OUT NOW. Tell you parents, they'll be your greatest support.

Seriously OP, don't keep telling yourself that it's ok or keep listing the reasons why you can't dump him. Start being outraged at being spoken to like a idiot child, how fúcking dare he? Start realising that what he's doing is emotional abuse, face the fact that he's abusing you. You'll find it easy to walk away once you start moving in that direction, why? Because what you're describing is abuse plain and simple. Make your plan, move out and get one with your life. I bet you any money that the mutual friends say something like "I always wondered why you stayed with him, he's a total pr*ck" they just can't say anything to you now because you're with him.

best of luck, you can do it,
C.

Piliger

Hi OP.

beks101 is right here. You are dating a bully and a controller.

I read what you say about your friends and your parents and I understand how you feel. I really do. Please listen to me ... I am 50+ and have a son of 20. You think your parents will be disgusted but they will NOT. They base their view on this man ONLY on what they know. But they don't know the TRUTH.

Go and talk to your parents, your father too ... and tell them the real TRUTH. Tell them how you feel about what is happening. I promise you they will listen and be horrified. Tell them the whole thing ! not just snippets. Give them the information they need to realise they are completely wrong about this bully. Please do not underestimate your parents. They want what is best for YOU.

Please also trust your best friends. I know they are mutual. But I have been through a lot of crap in life .. and while they may not leap to your side of the situation in front of him, I promise you they will listen and recognise the problem and recognise that this is NOT ACCEPTABLE. You will get a lot of support there.

I know you feel isolated. But you are not. You need to reach out and allow people to come in and help. And listen to the advice above.

All the very very best.

Mollee

Hi OP
I saw your post last night and felt I had to reply if for nothing but to tell you that there is light at the end of the tunnel.
I was in the same situation a few years back and the first thing I want to say to you is don't feel like quitting on the relationship will mean the last 6 years was a waste of time! If you don't get out now then your whole life will have been a waste because your never going to be truly happy if you stay with him. The last 6 years won't have been a waste if you move on having learned from your mistakes, let's face it yeah he is a dick head but it's pretty much your own fault for putting up with it (as it was mine!)
For me, not telling my friends and family was my insecure subconscious stopping me from getting out of the relationship, you see after so many years of putting up with it your confidence is so low and it's difficult to see that you could have a better life, it's almost like you feel your not good enough. I felt if I told my family then I couldn't be with him because they would think I was crazy! I'm sure you can relate to this!! Funnily enough one of the reasons I told myself for not ending it was how well he got on with my family, when the relationship was over my parents and friends all came out and told me how relieved they were and we're praying for the day I would see sense! They were being nice to him for my sake but people aren't stupid and they can sense when things aren't right! Talk to your parents, you might be surprised at their reaction, they probably know a lot already!
The fact your posting here is good, your admitting to yourself that things are bad, now you need to start saying it out loud and to him! I wouldn't waste my time getting into it too much with him, just pack your bags and leave and don't look back! Be glad that you don't have children with this man.
I spent a couple of years being single after my ex, It was great to be myself again and I really got my confidence back! One day I realised how happy and content I was with being single and literally a week later I met the love of my life! It's only now because I have a fantastic relationship that I look back and realise how bad things actually were. My boyfriend has every great quality imaginable, I struggled to find one good quality in my ex. My boyfriend is handsome, my ex was like and ogre. My ex would never give me affection and our sex life was non existent... My boyfriend smothers me with kisses and cuddles and the sex is fantastic... The list goes on!
Do yourself a favour and get rid of this man, you deserve so much better. I hope everything works out for you. Xx

daisybelle2008

at my wits end wrote: »

he treats me like dirt.
I don't know if I should just walk or what at this stage?

We would you be in any doubt that you should stay with someone you say treats you like dirt?

You are not in an arranged marriage, you don't have children.

You don't seem to even like or respect each other. There appears to be no healthy communication or affection.

I wouldn't care less what my family or friends thought (and from experience I have walked away from a marriage that was a hell of a lot more functional & respectful than what you describe), if you are not happy what is making you stay?

I don't understand your priorities or why there is any reason you are sticking around.

daisybelle2008

Mollee wrote: »

yeah he is a dick head but it's pretty much your own fault for putting up with it (as it was mine!)

I spent a couple of years being single after my ex, It was great to be myself again and I really got my confidence back! One day I realised how happy and content I was with being single and literally a week later I met the love of my life!

Good advise Mollee...the above stood out for me. Sums up the problem and solution to an awful lot of RI issues. i.e putting up with **** because you don't like yourself enough to do better.

dannyc31

i agree with all above. you've done 6 years of this and even thou things may of been good in the beginning you know in your heart you couldnt do another 6years of this so it has to come to a head now.

the most important thing in a relationship is to be happy and you couldnt possibly be happy with a guy who doesnt respect you and treats you like dirt.

it actually sounds like this guy resents you a bit, you say he is 29 which means he has been with you since he was 23. alot of men feel their 20's are the best years of their lives for playing the field etc and he may feel pissed off cause he didnt live his 20's the way he wanted. thats not making excuses for him its just an explanation for you if he was once a nice bloke but then suddenly turned into this controlling pr*ck over time.

both of you are not doing each other any good staying together especially you because you are the one wanting to be with a loving partner where-as he has a bit of growing up to do.

definitely dont do this alone, come clean to your family and close friends, tell them everything & how unhappy you are, you'll find they'll all be on your side.

okiss

He is 29 and you may be the same age give or take a year or two.
This man is bullying and treating you badly. He come homes after a days work and it is your fault that every day is bad for him. He is making comments that no matter what you do is wrong. Well no matter what you do or say here you will never be right. I would tell a close friend and you parents what is going on and get out of this relationship.
So what if you lose some friends you can get involved in activities or groups and make new ones. So what if you single for a while you can do what you want when you want and you can build up your self esteem.
Don't stay thinking that things are going to get better as they won't. Don't stay because you afraid to be on your own.
I watched a friend of mine having similar issues to you with the man she lived with. She nearly got married to him and he called it off. Once she lived on her own for a while I saw the change in her. She was a lot happier over a period of a few months. Today she is married and has a family so I know things do get better but you have to be willing to help yourself now.

Belladance

I have just come out of 6+ year relationship and share a lot of similarities with you and your relationship. I also shared mutual friends with him and they have been nothing but supportive and kind to me since the breakup. Please feel free to PM me if you need to talk. Although I'm a bit sad and lonely right now after the breakup, I feel very free. I can't wait to meet a man that will treat me right.

Beruthiel

Belladance wrote: »

Please feel free to PM me if you need to talk.

Please do not ask people in this forum to PM you.