wedding invite dilema

LegacyUser

hi all

A friend from school is getting married in two weeks (midddle of july). All of the girls from schools' other halves are invited but my boyfriend is not. She took him aside and explained to him at my bday party back in May that the reason he was not invited was because she had not met him yet (she met him for first time at my bday) and that the "seating plan had already been set". It was mentioned to me at my birthday too but to be honest I was pretty preocuppied with my friends and relatives so I shrugged it off and said it was fine.

I dont know what to do really as I think I will feel weird being there without him when everyone else will have their partners there. If I was single I would have no problem attending alone, and if it was one of those weddings where nobody elses boyfriends/girlfriends husbands were invited that would obviously be fine too.

I really dont want to annoy my friend. Although myself and my bf are together less than a year, we have seriously discussed the possiblility of our relationship being 'the one', and it would honestly sadden me to attend an event of this importance without him.

I rsvp-ed about 2 months ago saying I was going so maybe I should just suck it up and go?? I think people might say that I should have never told her it was grand in the first place but it was my 30th bday party when she told me, with relations there from all over etc and I was distracted with the evenings events.

dont know what to do so any advice would be appreciated!

jimmycrackcorm

Your friend handled it ok and you should too by going alone.

AhInFairness

I think you should go and enjoy the day with your friend.

In fairness to the bride, she told both yourself and your boyfriend why he wasn't invited in person and her reasoning seems fine to me. She didn't know him when the numbers were set and you weren't together a long time. That fact that you think he might be 'the one' is hardly something your friend can be expected to take into account when she hadn't even met the bloke.

Weddings need to be organised in advance and being put out would be unreasonable on your part tbh.

If it's going to be a big issue for you perhaps ask your friend if your boyfriend could come along to evening reception.

If it was me though I would accept things as they are and be thankful I have an honest and upfront friend.

username123

A bit shocked that you say you are 30 yet you are thinking this way about someones wedding.

Its not about you and your relationship and whether or not you think he is The One.

Its about the fact that the bride and groom had a set number of people they could invite - based on the fact that the hotel allows exactly xx number to be seated for dinner, and at the time they sent the invites the bride had never met your bf. Its not her responsibility to closely follow the lives of each and every guest to monitor for change in relationship status.

I also think the bride handled it very well by explaining it to your bf, and that if you werent happy about it you should have declined the invitation or paid attention when she spoke to you about it. You cannot, 2 weeks before someones wedding, start dictating the guest list. If the event is of such importance to you then I cant imagine why you didnt discuss this with your friend at some point since your birthday in May - its July now.

So either go alone with good grace - and I dont see any reason not to do this.

Or dont go because you dont want to attend alone.

Its up to you.

MJ23

I wouldn't be impressed at all if it was me. Im going to a wedding next week and i have never even laid eyes on the bride or groom. Its a Wedding of a work colleague of my girlfriend.
How does your boyfriend feel about it? Is he even invited to the afters?
If it was me, i wouldn't go.

omega666

In fairness "because she had not met him yet" is a bit of a lame excuse.
Does that mean unless the bride has met every one of her guests partners
then they are not invited.

Any invites to wedding’s I have got are usually with a +1 irrespective if I have a partner or not to give the option to bring someone.
Especially if everyone’s else other halves have been invited.

Surely it cant be that difficult to add just one person to the seating plan either way.

Sounds just like they wanted to save cash by not letting you bring a +1.

Timothy Bryce

If you look at it from the bride & groom's perspective...

Say they have 10 people per table, for example, and the bride is keen to keep social/familial groups together on said tables. If, she's invited say 4 of your friends and their partners (who she knows already) totalling at 8 a table...then you might have you and another of your friends at the table making up the 10 (using these numbers as an example). If she decided she wanted all of her friends and their +1's it might mean she has to add another table make sure the people at that table all know each other.

On average it costs c.€100 per person to attend a wedding, when you include booze, food etc. If she had to add another table, she might have to extend the invite list to fill the table at a somewhat sizeable cost. Then what....maybe the groom has mates who don't have their +1's going....do they then apply the same rule because one of the guests is unhappy? Before you know it the guest list is out of control.

Trust me - weddings are a nightmare to organise and drawing a line over the guests the couple have decided to invite is one of the most difficult decisions to make.

IMO she's handled it fine and I wouldn't take it personally.

My partner's cousin got married last year and I wasn't invited (despite meeting her 100's of times over the years) because of this very reason.

Neyite

I think that you missed your chance to discuss it when the bride brought it up with you in May, or when the initial invites went out. She was open with you about the reason, and you should have either discussed it there and then, or followed up at the earliest oppertunity. You didnt, and now its too late for you to discuss this without putting your friend in an awkward spot.

Although I dont see the harm in asking her if he can attend after the meal.

LegacyUser

It must be just that time of year as there are so many wedding invite issues popping here and the one thing that is coming across is that weddings are bloody expensive and complicated to plan. At least your friend was up front. Frankly if your BF is 'the one' you going to a wedding alone is not going to be the end of your relationship and if you do stay together there will be future events you will end up going alone to for various reasons - kids/work/etc.

Your friend had a limited number of places for the meal, they went through the list and saw were they had to make cuts and as I assume your BF is the newest OH on the scene in your group of friends he was left out - it sucks but it happens. Maybe her reason sounds lame to some but she probably felt that was better then sounding cheap by saying they just couldn't afford another place setting. You don't know what sort of compromise the couple have had to make with family and friends over who to invite and alot of times it's not as simple as just adding another person, it could involve having to add a whole other table and you don't know how many people they've already been pushed into adding in.

I don't see why your OH couldn't come to the afters unless the wedding involves traveling a great distance.

ibarelycare

omega666 wrote: »

In fairness "because she had not met him yet" is a bit of a lame excuse.
Does that mean unless the bride has met every one of her guests partners
then they are not invited.

Any invites to wedding’s I have got are usually with a +1 irrespective if I have a partner or not to give the option to bring someone.
Especially if everyone’s else other halves have been invited.

Surely it cant be that difficult to add just one person to the seating plan either way.

Sounds just like they wanted to save cash by not letting you bring a +1.

So what if they have? Weddings are very expensive and plenty of brides and grooms would be trying to keep the costs to a minimum. If she barely knew anyone else going to the wedding then a +1 should have been on the invite but she's going to be attending the wedding with a group of old friends.

I think the bride has acted very fairly here. OP I'm sure if you ask her if he can come along to the afters it will be no problem at all. At least then he'll be there for the best part of the night and can stay with you in the hotel.

ash23

Just got an invite to a wedding yesterday and neither my new fella, nor my child are invited. Just me. I don't mind at all. Looking forward to it actually.
I won't feel under pressure to bring him and spend the day minding him and introducing him to everyone. And I won't have to be minding the child either.
Win-win.


I can completely understand the bride not inviting new partners who she doesn't know to her wedding. To be fair OP, if you were that good a friend of hers, she'd have met your significant other loads of times by now. Ye aren't that close so you are not one of her "main" guests if you get me(i.e. immediate family, close friends). You are a peripheral guest (neighbours, old school friends, work colleagues) and she doesn't know your boyfriend so why would she invite him.

username123

omega666 wrote: »

In fairness "because she had not met him yet" is a bit of a lame excuse.

Whats lame about it? She might not even have known of the guys existence when she sent out the invites.

omega666 wrote: »

Does that mean unless the bride has met every one of her guests partners
then they are not invited.

No, but generally you know if an individual is married or if you are inviting 4 friends who are all single so dont 'need' a plus 1.

omega666 wrote: »

Surely it cant be that difficult to add just one person to the seating plan either way.

Clearly youve never organised a wedding. Usually youd have a list of people to invite as you get cancellations. 1 extra person can mean an entire rearrange of seating. And the hotel may be prickly about numbers and want an exact final figure by a particular date also. Youve no idea how complex it gets. You get 20 different individuals phoning asking would it be ok if aunty bessie brought her son in law cos he is over from the UK, oh and he has 3 kids so can they come too or poor mr davids lost his wife and even though his 3 daughters are going can he not bring that nice woman from the church he has been having tea with or such and suchs husband cant make it so can she bring her 2 female friends instead. Or your mother in law to be just asking 16, yes SIXTEEN distant relations, not telling you and expecting the hotel to cater for them. Seriously, youd want the patience of a saint organising it. You HAVE to draw the line somewhere.

omega666 wrote: »

Sounds just like they wanted to save cash by not letting you bring a +1.

SO what if they did - its their wedding, their rules. When you pay for the party you get to say who goes.

LegacyUser

thanks for the advice everyone- I asked politely if he could come to the afters and she said that was absolutely fine.

I have only been to 2 weddings before, so Im not au fait with the etiquette thats why I posted on here. But I think I was worrying unnecessarily!

@username1234- I am aware its not 'about me or whether I think hes the one', and I didnt mean it to come across that way. The reason I mentioned this is to communicate my feelings on the matter and why I felt the need to ask for advice in the first place.

LegacyUser

Yeah, as usual in these cases, the Brides wishes are her wishes, it's not worth arguing.

In most cases that'd be my line of thinking on the situations (e.g. bringing kids, etc..)

In all fairness though, I can see your point on this one. Whether he is "The One" or not, its pretty normal you'd be allowed a +1 to a friends wedding. If your rsvp is not to bring him then the table arrangements are finalized by the rsvp numbers.

She obviously knew you were with someone as it wasn't that she just assumed you wouldn't have a +1, she just didn't want the guy there for some reason. That's her choice but pretty bad form.

Not really good manners to force someone to go alone especially if they clearly have a partner to bring. Normal manners would dictate you would decided that and your RSVP would lock in the seating plan, so no changes of mind after that.

Anyway, it's her wedding, I wouldn't be bothered arguing it.

Ellsbells

Yeah the afters is a good idea. Its the best bit anyway

username123

beentherebefore wrote: »

She obviously knew you were with someone as it wasn't that she just assumed you wouldn't have a +1, she just didn't want the guy there for some reason. That's her choice but pretty bad form.

Not really good manners to force someone to go alone especially if they clearly have a partner to bring. Normal manners would dictate you would decided that and your RSVP would lock in the seating plan, so no changes of mind after that.

Lot of assumptions there. The OP clearly says that the bride only met her bf in May for the first time. The wedding is in July. No doubt invites went out long before May (its usually 3 months in advance), perhaps she didnt know about the guy?

The OP doesnt say how long she is with the guy, but its perfectly normal to not include plus 1s on single peoples invites if a gang of friends are being invited together. Or not to include 'new relationship' plus 1s, as some people prefer to have guests that they actually know and not just any randomer (in their eyes).

And I dont see how the OP is being forced to go alone. She can decline or she can go and have fun with her friends - you make it sound like she would know no one there!

I think she should go and enjoy herself. This kind of thing happens all the time in new relationships or relationships less than a year old. Wedding plans start getting made sometimes 2 years in advance of the wedding date, its inevitable that the bride and groom do not know of all relationship changes that have happened everyone in that time or should have to change their seating plans everytime someone breaks up or hooks up.

username123

unregistered wrote: »

@username1234- I am aware its not 'about me or whether I think hes the one', and I didnt mean it to come across that way. The reason I mentioned this is to communicate my feelings on the matter and why I felt the need to ask for advice in the first place.

Well if you are aware that its not about you then just accept the invite and go along with your friends. There will be plenty of events for you to bring your bf to if you stay together. It can take time to be seen as an 'established' couple and have an automatic double invite to things.

Katgurl

Hey OP,

It sounds like its all worked out well but i just wanted to say if this is only your 3rd wedding its understandable that you were surprised by the lack of an invite.

However, as the years roll on & all your friends start marrying off you will see that there is no such thing anymore as pre-established etiquette. I wasn't invited to a wedding once when my partner that I lived with was the best man! They just wanted a very small wedding. Also, the fact that you have a group of friends going has an impact, occasionally a bride or groom might invite along a +1 they haven't met if the guest would be alone otherwise. Although having said that, a group of us were invited to a wedding recently, everyone declined but me and (even after a nudge from a mutual friend who couldnt attend to the bride) I still didn't get the option to bring a guest. I was a teeny miffed because I didnt know a soul at the wedding but you know what, wiht these things you just have to suck it up & get on with it because its not your day, its someone else's.

I hope you have a good time on the day. One word of warning - don't get too plastered before your date shows up

solerina

I have brough my OH to 2 weddings and in both cases he had never met the couples getting married....they are my college friends and dont live nearby...I would agree with you OP if none of your frineds were bringing their OH then fair enough but if its only you then I think thats very unfair (horrible to be a single among couples, worse if your actually not single)...and the bride has met your other half well before the wedding so her excuse is rubbish in my opinion !!

rainbowtrout

solerina wrote: »

I have brough my OH to 2 weddings and in both cases he had never met the couples getting married....they are my college friends and dont live nearby...I would agree with you OP if none of your frineds were bringing their OH then fair enough but if its only you then I think thats very unfair (horrible to be a single among couples, worse if your actually not single)...and the bride has met your other half well before the wedding so her excuse is rubbish in my opinion !!

The bride's excuse is perfectly valid. She doesn't know the guy. She might only want people at her wedding that she knows pretty well. Maybe she doesn't want to spend her night going around to tables and only knowing every second person at the table. It's herself and the groom that are paying for it anyway so they get to decide the guest list. It never ceases to amaze me that people have such a sense of entitlement when it comes to wedding invitations. Guests don't get to dictate the guest list. It's not about them.

mood

I think the bride did the right thing by explaining her reasons to your boyfriend. However, I don't agree with her reason. Everyone ends up having friends/relations partners at wedding that they have not meet yet. If you are with him nearly a year I think you should have got a +1 invite but if you are only with him 2 or 3 months then you shouldn't have expected a +1 invite.

Having said that just accept her decision and enjoy the day. It sounds like you will know plenty of people there so it's not like you will be on you own.

LeinsterDub

Don't you generally get a plus one for weddings and if you decided to you could bring a wineo you seen on the street walking to the wedding? Can't understand the I've not met him attitude if they've sent out loads of plus one type invites. However you agreed to this when she said it so I don't think there much you can do. Maybe ask is it ok for him to come to the afters?

Katgurl

LeinsterDub wrote: »

Don't you generally get a plus one for weddings and if you decided to you could bring a wineo you seen on the street walking to the wedding? Can't understand the I've not met him attitude if they've sent out loads of plus one type invites. However you agreed to this when she said it so I don't think there much you can do. Maybe ask is it ok for him to come to the afters?

Eh no you don't generally get a plus one, i've been to loads of weddings where my partner of the time wasn't invited.

as was stated before its up to the bride & groom. look at it this way - the bride (or groom) might have an old neighbour or cousin or work colleague that they'd love to invite but would have to leave off list... for someone they don't even know!

pickarooney

The OP has said her boyfriend is welcome at the party. Problem solved.

curlzy

Hey OP,

Like everything in life wedding etiquette is subjective. Don't mind the people having fits and calling you selfish, keyboard warriors at their weirdest I must say :rolleyes::D

There's no "rules" to these things, it's whatever the bride/groom want to do and then you can decide if you want to attend or not. Personally I wouldn't want to go to a wedding without my fella, I have a hobby that takes me away alot and so I savour our shared time and I wouldn't want to give up a whole day of his company. Especially not for someone who I wasn't close enough to for them to feel they would like to invite him.

So yeah glad it's all worked out for you. In future see what the invitation is and then accept/decline if you want to, but don't be hurried. If someone is trying to discuss things like this in the middle of your birthday party just say something along the lines of "sorry I'm distracted, but this is my birthday and I need to attend to my guests. Can we discuss your wedding at a more appropriate time?".

Best of luck.

HellFireClub

Sorry to have to be the dissenter on this thread, but OP it's terribly bad manners and I'd even say, pig-ignorance, to invite someone to a wedding without giving them the option to bring their partner. Even if you were single, it is proper manners to not assume that you are single and issue the invitation to you and an unnamed guest. The choice then to bring a partner, friend, or go to on your own, is yours alone.

To place you in a situation where you are expected to go on your own, I think is shockingly poor etiquette, given that the bride & groom know that you are in a relationship. Even if you were single, I'd argue that it would be very improper to give you an invitation to attend a wedding on your own, it's just not done, because it's very well understood to be bad manners.

If I was placed in that situation, I'd decline, and I'd be clear about why I declined. Seriously, how ridiculous a situation is it to place you in, where you do not have the company of your own partner at a wedding???

And as for, "the seating plan has been set", I've never heard of a wedding where small changes to the seating plan didn't have to be made up until the actual morning of the wedding because someone had to be accommodated or some change happened, (usually involving the addition of a person).

HellFireClub

rainbowtrout wrote: »

The bride's excuse is perfectly valid. She doesn't know the guy. She might only want people at her wedding that she knows pretty well. Maybe she doesn't want to spend her night going around to tables and only knowing every second person at the table. It's herself and the groom that are paying for it anyway so they get to decide the guest list. It never ceases to amaze me that people have such a sense of entitlement when it comes to wedding invitations. Guests don't get to dictate the guest list. It's not about them.

Sorry you don't invite someone to a wedding on their own regardless of whether they are single or not, it's terrible etiquette and it's downright rude. Of course the bride & groom get to pick the guests, but as an invitee, you have the choice to attend or decline and I'd automatically refuse a wedding invitation if it landed in without an invitation for a partner.

rainbowtrout

HellFireClub wrote: »

Sorry you don't invite someone to a wedding on their own regardless of whether they are single or not, it's terrible etiquette and it's downright rude. Of course the bride & groom get to pick the guests, but as an invitee, you have the choice to attend or decline and I'd automatically refuse a wedding invitation if it landed in without an invitation for a partner.

I've been to plenty of weddings over the last number of years and I was single for all except one and some of those invites allowed a +1 and some didn't. I didn't think anything of it either. Times have changed. Single invites are common enough.

To be honest and I said it in my earlier post I think it's downright rude of a person to expect to be able to dictate a guest list for what is essentially a private party. In this country people seem to think that because they are invited somewhere their partner has to automatically be invited. A person might be in a relationship but they are still an individual. Being in a relationship does not confer any rights or entitlements on that person in relation to being invited to weddings or any other occasion by someone.

homerjay2005

a seating plan in May, for a wedding a few months later? lol...what about people who drop out (and people do drop out even on the day of the wedding, for every wedding), does the plan not change then? seating plans normally are done the weeks before, not months.

sounds like a lame excuse and cutting costs, if she was a real friend she would invite him, its not like they are going out a few weeks or he is a stranger.

id not bother going to be honest but thats me. if you want people to come to your wedding, you need to respect them. any wedding ive ever been at , even the single people were given the option of bringing somebody with them, normally they dont bother anyway.

rainbowtrout

HellFireClub wrote: »

Seriously, how ridiculous a situation is it to place you in, where you do not have the company of your own partner at a wedding???

Are people completely incapable of talking to the 8-10 other people at the table with them? Are they so insecure that they are incapable of attending any function without their partner? And if they are capable of attending functions alone, why do weddings have to be the exception to the rule?

I was at a friend's wedding a couple of years ago and there were 10 at our table, 2 couples who were strangers to us, myself and another friend, both there on our own and two more couples who were friends of ours. So six of us who are all friends. Anyway people came in to sit at the table one by one. The four strangers were sitting opposite us each couple together. Whatever way four of us sat down, the remaining two seats for the last couple, our friends, were not together. When they came in together to sit down, one of the couples across the table - bear in mind, she didn't know us but it was pretty clear that the 6 of us were all friends, starting roaring at us that we had to move, and because a married couple had to sit together and how inconsiderate of us not to leave two adjacent seats free. Such bullshit. The couple in question wouldn't have batted an eyelid. But I thought it was a sad indictment of the mindset of some people that thought this husband and wife wouldn't survive the meal sitting three feet apart and among friends. God forbid they mightn't be able to whisper to each other for 2 hours of the day.

HellFireClub

rainbowtrout wrote: »

Are people completely incapable of talking to the 8-10 other people at the table with them? Are they so insecure that they are incapable of attending any function without their partner? And if they are capable of attending functions alone, why do weddings have to be the exception to the rule?

I was at a friend's wedding a couple of years ago and there were 10 at our table, 2 couples who were strangers to us, myself and another friend, both there on our own and two more couples who were friends of ours. So six of us who are all friends. Anyway people came in to sit at the table one by one. The four strangers were sitting opposite us each couple together. Whatever way four of us sat down, the remaining two seats for the last couple, our friends, were not together. When they came in together to sit down, one of the couples across the table - bear in mind, she didn't know us but it was pretty clear that the 6 of us were all friends, starting roaring at us that we had to move, and because a married couple had to sit together and how inconsiderate of us not to leave two adjacent seats free. Such bullshit. The couple in question wouldn't have batted an eyelid. But I thought it was a sad indictment of the mindset of some people that thought this husband and wife wouldn't survive the meal sitting three feet apart and among friends. God forbid they mightn't be able to whisper to each other for 2 hours of the day.

If I was inviting people to a wedding, I'd be doing my best to make sure that the people who I would be inviting, would enjoy themselves and it stands to reason, to my mind, that there would be a greater likelihood of my guests enjoying themselves, if they had the company of their own partners at my wedding.

You seem to think that my view on this is borne out of some kind of sense of entitlement with regard to receiving a wedding invitation. It is of course open to the bride & groom to completely control the guest list, by issuing single invitations to guests if that is what they want to do, but in my opinion, this responsibility, when not properly managed, risks bringing about the exact opposite result, which is people declining invitations because they feel that a casual disrespect has been extended to their partner.

In the current case, to state to a guest that their partner will not be invited because the bride has not yet met the partner, implying a need on the bride to personally "vet" the partner before he can be invited to the wedding, to me is even more bizarre and is indicative of someone who hasn't the first notion of protocol and basic courtesy when organising a wedding.

If the issue was really about numbers, costs and affordability, then I think the more appropriate course of action would have been to issue the OP and her partner with invitations to the afters only.

HellFireClub

rainbowtrout wrote: »

Are people completely incapable of talking to the 8-10 other people at the table with them? Are they so insecure that they are incapable of attending any function without their partner? And if they are capable of attending functions alone, why do weddings have to be the exception to the rule?

I was at a friend's wedding a couple of years ago and there were 10 at our table, 2 couples who were strangers to us, myself and another friend, both there on our own and two more couples who were friends of ours. So six of us who are all friends. Anyway people came in to sit at the table one by one. The four strangers were sitting opposite us each couple together. Whatever way four of us sat down, the remaining two seats for the last couple, our friends, were not together. When they came in together to sit down, one of the couples across the table - bear in mind, she didn't know us but it was pretty clear that the 6 of us were all friends, starting roaring at us that we had to move, and because a married couple had to sit together and how inconsiderate of us not to leave two adjacent seats free. Such bullshit. The couple in question wouldn't have batted an eyelid. But I thought it was a sad indictment of the mindset of some people that thought this husband and wife wouldn't survive the meal sitting three feet apart and among friends. God forbid they mightn't be able to whisper to each other for 2 hours of the day.

That story above is probably the result of someone drunk or else someone who is highly irrational or highly strung, I'm not too sure what it has to do with the current subject matter to be honest with you.

rainbowtrout

HellFireClub wrote: »

In the current case, to state to a guest that their partner will not be invited because the bride has not yet met the partner, implying a need on the bride to personally "vet" the partner before he can be invited to the wedding, to me is even more bizarre and is indicative of someone who hasn't the first notion of protocol and basic courtesy when organising a wedding.

Not vet him, some people don't want strangers at their wedding. Their choice.

HellFireClub wrote: »

That story above is probably the result of someone drunk or else someone who is highly irrational or highly strung, I'm not too sure what it has to do with the current subject matter to be honest with you.

They weren't drunk and didn't appear to be highly strung or irrational. Just highlighting the notion that some people have that couples can't even be physically separated for any length of time at a wedding let alone only invite one of them.

leeroybrown

I'm with the dissenters here. I consider it a bit rude not to invite someone's partner particularly *if* almost everyone else's partner is present. From the sound of her excuses she was clearly trying to keep the costs/numbers down and feeling guilty about it. I wouldn't complain and would likely still attend but I certainly wouldn't consider it good form.

LegacyUser

HellFireClub wrote: »

In the current case, to state to a guest that their partner will not be invited because the bride has not yet met the partner, implying a need on the bride to personally "vet" the partner before he can be invited to the wedding, to me is even more bizarre and is indicative of someone who hasn't the first notion of protocol and basic courtesy when organising a wedding.

Look she gave the reason she wanted, most likely it was down to money and just not being able to afford more guests but didn't want to come across as cheap so gave the excuse that she did, who cares it's her wedding she can invite who she wants. I've been invited to plenty of weddings on my own. Just last March I went to my cousins wedding without my husband. It was in Scotland and had a very limited guest list due to the size of the venue they'd picked - only myself and my mother from our side of the family were invited and when it came to the meal for reasons I still don't understand we weren't seated at the same table but I didn't moan about wedding protocol, I sat down with a bunch of strangers and had a great time.

HellFireClub

rainbowtrout wrote: »

Not vet him, some people don't want strangers at their wedding. Their choice.

Well then the appropriate way to deal with that is to make a small effort to meet your friends partner before the wedding, not insult and offend your friend by blanking their partner in relation to your wedding on the supposed basis of never having met them.

rainbowtrout wrote: »

They weren't drunk and didn't appear to be highly strung or irrational. Just highlighting the notion that some people have that couples can't even be physically separated for any length of time at a wedding let alone only invite one of them.

You said in your previous post, in relation to the situation that you are referring to, that the person, "starting roaring at us that we had to move". Someone who starts roaring at you at a wedding with regard to the seating arrangements, is clearly irrational and doesn't know how to behave at a social event, so I don't see why you are quoting a scenario such as this, where as per your very own account of what happened, the person's behavior was clearly not normal behavior for a wedding.

This scenario clearly has nothing whatsoever to do with what we are discussing here, which is the correct way to go about issuing invitations for a wedding.

Katgurl

rainbowtrout wrote: »

I was at a friend's wedding a couple of years ago and there were 10 at our table, 2 couples who were strangers to us, myself and another friend, both there on our own and two more couples who were friends of ours. So six of us who are all friends. Anyway people came in to sit at the table one by one. The four strangers were sitting opposite us each couple together. Whatever way four of us sat down, the remaining two seats for the last couple, our friends, were not together. When they came in together to sit down, one of the couples across the table - bear in mind, she didn't know us but it was pretty clear that the 6 of us were all friends, starting roaring at us that we had to move, and because a married couple had to sit together and how inconsiderate of us not to leave two adjacent seats free. Such bullshit. The couple in question wouldn't have batted an eyelid. But I thought it was a sad indictment of the mindset of some people that thought this husband and wife wouldn't survive the meal sitting three feet apart and among friends. God forbid they mightn't be able to whisper to each other for 2 hours of the day.

well what a barrel of laughs they sound! you should have smiled politely and said "of course we'll move, but just for the record its actually BAD table etiquette to sit next to you partner, but don't mind that"

chubchub

I also think its rude that she didn't invite your partner.I disagree that a plus one has to be a boyfriend/girlfriend. When we sat down to do our budget and wedding invites we asked every single personnot in a relationship to bring a plus one. I've been single myself and always preferred to bring a sister or friend. That all being said I think it was nice of her to explain numbers done and why she didn't ask. I don't think she meant it badly

snafuk35

unregistered wrote: »

hi all

A friend from school is getting married in two weeks (midddle of july). All of the girls from schools' other halves are invited but my boyfriend is not. She took him aside and explained to him at my bday party back in May that the reason he was not invited was because she had not met him yet (she met him for first time at my bday) and that the "seating plan had already been set". It was mentioned to me at my birthday too but to be honest I was pretty preocuppied with my friends and relatives so I shrugged it off and said it was fine.

I dont know what to do really as I think I will feel weird being there without him when everyone else will have their partners there. If I was single I would have no problem attending alone, and if it was one of those weddings where nobody elses boyfriends/girlfriends husbands were invited that would obviously be fine too.

I really dont want to annoy my friend. Although myself and my bf are together less than a year, we have seriously discussed the possiblility of our relationship being 'the one', and it would honestly sadden me to attend an event of this importance without him.

I rsvp-ed about 2 months ago saying I was going so maybe I should just suck it up and go?? I think people might say that I should have never told her it was grand in the first place but it was my 30th bday party when she told me, with relations there from all over etc and I was distracted with the evenings events.

dont know what to do so any advice would be appreciated!

Your friend is a fool but just suck it up and don't let it bother you.

Chocoholic84

HellFireClub wrote: »

Even if you were single, it is proper manners to not assume that you are single and issue the invitation to you and an unnamed guest. The choice then to bring a partner, friend, or go to on your own, is yours alone.
Even if you were single, I'd argue that it would be very improper to give you an invitation to attend a wedding on your own, it's just not done, because it's very well understood to be bad manners.

That is the biggest load of bull I've ever heard. We invited people and their partners - IF THEY HAD ONE. If we had one person who didn't know anyone else at the wedding - we would also put a +1 down for them.

But why on earth would we give our single friends & relations a +1 when they will know loads of people there and will probably have the craic more with them than having to "mind" a partner?!

I'm sorry but unless they fall into the categories I said above, they are not getting a +1.

HellFireClub

Chocoholic84 wrote: »

That is the biggest load of bull I've ever heard. We invited people and their partners - IF THEY HAD ONE. If we had one person who didn't know anyone else at the wedding - we would also put a +1 down for them.

But why on earth would we give our single friends & relations a +1 when they will know loads of people there and will probably have the craic more with them than having to "mind" a partner?!

I'm sorry but unless they fall into the categories I said above, they are not getting a +1.

Sorry, that's ridiculous and just plain cheap. How on earth would you know if someone in your circle of family or friends, who you thought/rudely assumed was single, but had started seeing someone recently enough (who hadn't been introduced to anyone in the family, and on that basis, you wouldn't know about it), was hoping for an invitation for themselves and a guest to a wedding that they were expecting an invite to, so that they might be able to use the occasion to introduce their new partner to the wider family?

It's about as pig ignorant a thing as you could possibly try to do to a family member or friend I think, within the last year I've seen two invitations declined after they were issued to people who were assumed to be single, but who in fact were not actually single at all and felt disrespected by the way the invite had been issued to them.

In case A, the invite was re-issued properly and there was no offence caused as it was a genuine mistake the way it was issued, (happened to be issued to a man who was divorced from his wife but had a new partner), in the other scenario, case B, the invitation was declined and the impression left in everyone's head afterwards, when it was circulated how they issued single invitations to people who they "thought" were single, was that the couple who issued the invite hadn't the first clue about how to organise a wedding and looked completely stupid afterwards.

deisemum

When I got married 22 years ago it was unheard of to send single invitations, it was seen as crass and cheap to do so, +1's were the norm. Reading this thread I see things have changed but it wouldn't be my choice especially if someone had a partner.

rainbowtrout

HellFireClub wrote: »

Sorry, that's ridiculous and just plain cheap. How on earth would you know if someone in your circle of family or friends, who you thought/rudely assumed was single, but had started seeing someone recently enough (who hadn't been introduced to anyone in the family, and on that basis, you wouldn't know about it), was hoping for an invitation for themselves and a guest to a wedding that they were expecting an invite to, so that they might be able to use the occasion to introduce their new partner to the wider family?

Why should a bride and groom be responsible for providing an occasion for a person to introduce a new partner to their family? If they are so recently in the relationship that the person hasn't introduced them to anyone in their family, why should a wedding be the place to introduce them to people, at some else's expense?

It's not rude to assume someone is single. I have no idea where half of my (unmarried) cousins live in my home town, let alone know if they are in relationships. And they would know as little about me.

fungun

Id be a little unimpressed to get an invitation without a +1 if I had a partner, and others were allowed to bring partners. imo, wedding etiquette is you invite who you want and their partners if they have one, if you dont know you stick in a +1 to cover yourself.

However you had your time to mention it, doing anything like not going is a step too far

Taltos

As the OP hasn't been back in nearly a month we are closing this thread.

OP - if this is still an issue for you now please contact any of the mods in confidence and we will re-open this for you.