Not into the Sex

wendydoll

Probably in the wrong forum but I kinda need impartial advice from guys and gals out there,

My bf and I have been together since Sept, now I don't have a big libido, and we'd only have sex maybe three times per week. Which is a lot for me to be dishing out compared to past relationships.

A few weeks back, he got a delivery of sex toys to his house. And PVC dress up set for me. I am actually disgusted by it. He didn't even consult me before he bought any of it. I said to him I wasn't into PVC, and would have no problem dressing up as a naughty school girl/nurse etc but not a full bondage PVC suit.

That seemed to go down well but again he ordered more stuff without telling me. This time he bought a strap on for me, to use on him amongst other things. There is no way I'm into that. He seemed to get offended when i refused to use it. I explained to him in depth, i didn't like the full on S&M thing and he seemed to accept that but ever since even when we're just having regular sex, he keeps calling me mistress and acting like he doesn't know who I am during it. It has really turned me off performing any act on him.

I've told him stop it but he continues to do it. He said I'm the first person he's felt comfortable with experimenting like this with, but I'm not comfortable with it all. I don't know what to do. Its putting a really strain on our relationship, but i feel if I stay with him, I'm restricting him for his fantasy, has anyone been in a similar situation?? Any advice would be super

ElleEm

You need to make it very clear to him that this is not something that you are comfortable with, and by the sounds of it, you never will be.

The bigger issue is that you are saying no to something, and he is not listening to you. He clearly has no respect for you, and this speaks volumes.

Elmidena

If his experimenting means more to him than you do, he's going the right way to show it. Don't ever do anything you're not comfortable with, and you've already mentioned having a low libido at the best of times--something like this is guaranteed to kill it if he keeps this behaviour up. Tell him in no uncertain terms not to buy you ANY more "presents" without consulting you first, and that if he keeps acting like you're a stranger during sex then that's what you'll be to him. Gone!

HowItIs

There's a total lack of communication in this relationship and most of the fault if on your bf's side, (by most I mean like 99.999% of it in this instance).

He bought toys/etc without even talking to you, (which displays a lack of consideration I find shocking), then when you made it very clear that you weren't into this and made clear what you would be willing to try, he then went off and bought more toys again without consulting you. Then he took offence at you not wanting to use them.

Honestly he sounds like an ass. I could explain away buying stuff once as a surprise and getting it totally wrong, that could happen, but doing it twice and then getting ratty with you? Wtf is that about?

There is one thing that's confusing me OP, how did you wind up with a guy whose sexual tastes/appetite it so markedly different from your own?

dazzledust88

I hate to say it but he has no respect for you. twice he's bought stuff for you that you're NOT into, but he just carries on regardless.

Not a nice guy

username123

I totally agree with what the other posters have said. He is not respecting your sexual boundaries at all. I would be absolutely horrified if I clarified something I was not comfortable with and then the person just seemed to be trying to go ahead with it anyway. Not a way to have a healthy sexual relationship with someone at all. Very disrespectful.

For some reason the below stood out for me in your OP:

wendydoll wrote: »

Which is a lot for me to be dishing out compared to past relationships.

Im not sure why, it just seemed like a strange attitude to take to sex. The notion that its something you 'dish out' as opposed to something you mutually enjoy (regardless of how often it happens). It almost sounds like you feel you are doing your partner a favour by having sex with him? I could be totally wrong, just the wording of that stood out to me. Have you been more comfortable with the sex in past relationships? I hope so.

Realistically speaking, you are never going to be comfortable sexually with someone who doesnt respect you and your boundaries. In your position I would take a stand. Your body, your choice what you do with it, never let someone push you into stuff you dont like.

wendydoll

Thanks for your opinions folks-

For months I have built an emotional relationship with him and had a normal sex life and now drops a bomb like this, I don't see how he expects me to be ok with it. He never even hinted he was into anything along those lines until the package of sex toys and PVC suit arrived

I can understand wanting to try things out and I offered to go through ann summers and the likes websites where we could choose things together.

As for the me "dishing it out" comment, I do feel its more of a chore now than anything. Which is an awful thing to say, but its hard to have sex/ want to have sex with someone who's acting like they haven't a clue who you are during it. I would have been comfortable with him in the previous months and with partners in the past.

username123

wendydoll wrote: »

For months I have built an emotional relationship with him and had a normal sex life and now drops a bomb like this, I don't see how he expects me to be ok with it. He never even hinted he was into anything along those lines until the package of sex toys and PVC suit arrived

Yeah, its not something that can or should be dropped like a bomb on someone.

wendydoll wrote: »

As for the me "dishing it out" comment, I do feel its more of a chore now than anything. Which is an awful thing to say, but its hard to have sex/ want to have sex with someone who's acting like they haven't a clue who you are during it. I would have been comfortable with him in the previous months and with partners in the past.

That says it all wendydoll. Why put yourself though that crap? Go find someone who youd actually like to have sex with!

Pa Dee

wendydoll wrote: »

Probably in the wrong forum but I kinda need impartial advice from guys and gals out there,

My bf and I have been together since Sept, now I don't have a big libido, and we'd only have sex maybe three times per week. Which is a lot for me to be dishing out compared to past relationships.

A few weeks back, he got a delivery of sex toys to his house. And PVC dress up set for me. I am actually disgusted by it. He didn't even consult me before he bought any of it. I said to him I wasn't into PVC, and would have no problem dressing up as a naughty school girl/nurse etc but not a full bondage PVC suit.

That seemed to go down well but again he ordered more stuff without telling me. This time he bought a strap on for me, to use on him amongst other things. There is no way I'm into that. He seemed to get offended when i refused to use it. I explained to him in depth, i didn't like the full on S&M thing and he seemed to accept that but ever since even when we're just having regular sex, he keeps calling me mistress and acting like he doesn't know who I am during it. It has really turned me off performing any act on him.

I've told him stop it but he continues to do it. He said I'm the first person he's felt comfortable with experimenting like this with, but I'm not comfortable with it all. I don't know what to do. Its putting a really strain on our relationship, but i feel if I stay with him, I'm restricting him for his fantasy, has anyone been in a similar situation?? Any advice would be super

Your sexual tastes may be too divergent for a successful relationship. You need to have a serious chat as soon as possible

MrBinbetweener

look at it this way he wanted to see you in that gear so is obviously attracted to you and yes he got toys but .....toys are no harm once they dont take over .

if he is forcing you to do stuff then thats a no no..but no harm in experimenting once it doesnt ruin what you have

Angeles

Pa Dee wrote: »

Your sexual tastes may be too divergent for a successful relationship. You need to have a serious chat as soon as possible

+1 I personally would ignore the lack of respect comments. In fact from what I've read he has showing you nothing but respect from your information. He is not forcing you into anything, he's purchasing items of interest to himself and asking if you would like to take part. People seem to take this as wrong and I've no idea why, or are his rights to present you with gifts against some relationship code.. because basically what I've read is this....

"you bought me a pvc suit, how dare you purchase me a gift without consolidating me as to my interests, I'm disgusted you even considered it"

I can only imagine how the poor guy felt.

He's showing you something you didn't know about him before. There is usually a reason you didn't know, something along the lines of personal embarrassment, suppression. And you have broken this suppression because you as a couple have reached a point where he has become more sexually secure with you to reveal his other interests in this area.
Unfortunately him chancing his arm has backfired and you are not interested in anything he is, this alone is a problem as your sexual compatibility probably has always been far apart but has recently come into light.

So you are really in a pickle with this and a serious chat is in order, I don't believe this is something he or you can change nor would it be fair to try. Curiosity and sexuality usually always go hand in hand.

curlzy

Hey OP,

You guys sound sexually incompatible. He's into BDSM and you're not. That could be worked on but tbh he sounds like an ass. He should have been very open and honest and discussed his desires, not just bought the paraphernalia and then had a tantrum when you didn't want to use them. That's not a considerate lover at all.

I'm quite into a little kink myself but it definitely has to be discussed beforehand. You shouldn't spring this stuff on a partner. I can only imagine your horror at the strap-on and the fact that he wanted you to use it on him, LOL, I'd be the same myself, not meaning to judge but it would turn me right off a guy. The fact he didn't even worry about how to bring it up and just sprang it on you makes me think he may be more interested in his sexual desires than he is in making sure you're happy and having fun and not just him.

My advice would be to finish it and find someone you're more compatible with. I can't see it getting any better if sex is a chore to you 7 months in, it should still be mind blowing at that stage. I'm with my guy 6 years and I still love our sex, why forgo having a fulfilling sex life that you enjoy?

Best of luck.

wendydoll

MrBinbetweener wrote: »

look at it this way he wanted to see you in that gear so is obviously attracted to you and yes he got toys but .....toys are no harm once they dont take over

I would hope he would be attracted me , I have no problem with toys as I mentioned. Bit of spice but to buy a PVC suit is a bit out there

Angeles wrote: »

because basically what I've read is this....

"you bought me a pvc suit, how dare you purchase me a gift without consolidating me as to my interests, I'm disgusted you even considered it"

I can only imagine how the poor guy felt.

And how did you think I felt? It's not like I could smile and accept the gift and put it in the wardrobe and pretend it wasn't in there. It's not like having to accept a piece of jewellery you don't like :P

Angeles

wendydoll wrote: »

It's not like having to accept a piece of jewellery you don't like :P

And why not? If anything its exactly like that except its getting a piece of clothing that you don't like. The only concern I see here with this is that you were disgusted by it, rather then simply not interested.
Would you have perhaps felt the same way if it was sexy Ann summers lingerie?

It is not unknown for men to buy sexy lingerie for their partners, your boyfriend just appears to prefer the PVC side of this. I'd ask yourself why you actually found it disgusting, as saying this only serves to paint a very narrow image to yourself and your boyfriend that exploring new sexual tastes/idea's is unacceptable.

That being said, everything else you have described shows that your boyfriend really wants you to be the dominant sexual partner, strap-ons/pvc/mistress/boss all point to him wanting to be submissive (under your control in the bedroom).
I think this is more the key issue because you yourself also appear submissive which can be a long term problem for the relationship to work.
Again, talk about it, if you are uncomfortable talking about it with your partner, find out why you are first, then talk about that too!

The only compromise i see here is exploration, switching roles from dominant to submissive, trying everything once and find out what you actually like/dislike before knocking it off because you its alien to you. And if this remains a continued no go for you then it might be time to call it a day and find a more sexually compatible partner.

wendydoll

As I said in my first post I wouldn't have a problem dressing up in more acceptable attire, like naughty nurse etc.

What pissed/pisses me off more was/is the fact, I said we would do some toy shopping together online but he went off and bought stuff again without consulting me. And now pretends to be having sex with a stranger more of the time we are together.

We do mix up dominant/submissive positions, and have been from the start, but to have PVC suits and strap-ons (to be used on him) purchased for you isn't something you do without consulting your partner prior. Especially when you have never mentioned being into it in the slightest.

I feel his sexual preferences are being rammed down my neck where I like it or not.

DangerMouse27

Hi wendydoll.

I have to say, one word stands out in bright lights.. STRAP ON!

Put it like this, if he told you he liked having someone use them on his body before you got into a relationship, would you have ever had sex?

It sounds like you do like the kinky stuff but is that really you or are you just trying to make him happy?

Are you doing it for your sexual gratification or his?

My advice, get out of dodge. You are not compatible sexually.

Piliger

wendydoll wrote: »

As I said in my first post I wouldn't have a problem dressing up in more acceptable attire, like naughty nurse etc.

What pissed/pisses me off more was/is the fact, I said we would do some toy shopping together online but he went off and bought stuff again without consulting me. And now pretends to be having sex with a stranger more of the time we are together.

We do mix up dominant/submissive positions, and have been from the start, but to have PVC suits and strap-ons (to be used on him) purchased for you isn't something you do without consulting your partner prior. Especially when you have never mentioned being into it in the slightest.

I feel his sexual preferences are being rammed down my neck where I like it or not.

OP - you see that IS the point. You don't just feel it ... that IS IT.

I regret to say this is a man who is demonstrating clear indifference to your feelings in a matter of the highest sensitivity and intimacy.

I'm not going to tell you what to do ... but if you stay, expect a lot more of this in other areas of your life, including major areas where cooperation is vital. Marriage, Children, House, Furniture, Education, In laws ... everything.

W86indow

Walk Away !

Lorna123

wendydoll wrote: »

As I said in my first post I wouldn't have a problem dressing up in more acceptable attire, like naughty nurse etc.

What pissed/pisses me off more was/is the fact, I said we would do some toy shopping together online but he went off and bought stuff again without consulting me. And now pretends to be having sex with a stranger more of the time we are together.

We do mix up dominant/submissive positions, and have been from the start, but to have PVC suits and strap-ons (to be used on him) purchased for you isn't something you do without consulting your partner prior. Especially when you have never mentioned being into it in the slightest.

I feel his sexual preferences are being rammed down my neck where I like it or not.

He probably thinks because he is male that he should lead the sex games and maybe he thinks he should be introducing these things to you. The mistake you are making is that you are not being forceful enough in your dislike of these toys etc. You are venting forcefully to us but are you making it very clear to him. If you are and have been doing then you are left with no alternative but to walk away.

Sappa

wendydoll wrote: »

As I said in my first post I wouldn't have a problem dressing up in more acceptable attire, like naughty nurse etc.

What pissed/pisses me off more was/is the fact, I said we would do some toy shopping together online but he went off and bought stuff again without consulting me. And now pretends to be having sex with a stranger more of the time we are together.

We do mix up dominant/submissive positions, and have been from the start, but to have PVC suits and strap-ons (to be used on him) purchased for you isn't something you do without consulting your partner prior. Especially when you have never mentioned being into it in the slightest.

I feel his sexual preferences are being rammed down my neck where I like it or not.

Your clearly not suited,his little fantasies are not just going to be parked and forgotten about he will get more extreme most likely and you more uncomfortable.
End it now

dazzledust88

wendydoll wrote: »

As I said in my first post I wouldn't have a problem dressing up in more acceptable attire, like naughty nurse etc.

What pissed/pisses me off more was/is the fact, I said we would do some toy shopping together online but he went off and bought stuff again without consulting me. And now pretends to be having sex with a stranger more of the time we are together.

We do mix up dominant/submissive positions, and have been from the start, but to have PVC suits and strap-ons (to be used on him) purchased for you isn't something you do without consulting your partner prior. Especially when you have never mentioned being into it in the slightest.

I feel his sexual preferences are being rammed down my neck where I like it or not.

Thats the point, he doesn't seem to give a toss if you're not into it, and if you're going to give into him now, imagine whats next. This is hardcore stuff(for some) and not everyone is into it. Its OK to not like sometime, but does the tension kinda seep into the relationship now?

RoscommonTom

He needs to hav emore respect for you. Sorry to go off topic a little but do you happen to know what website he uses? thanks,

Taltos

RoscommonTom - welcome to PI / RI, if you have not already done so please read our charter. Off topic posts similar to yours can and do result in bans. We expect all posters here to read our charter and to post within it's guidelines.

Regards
Taltos

omgitsthelazor

I wouldn't stress too much about him buying things without asking, a lot of fun in sex is in the excitement and surprise. He probably thought being impulsive was good thing, a lot of sex toys kind of lose their impact when you need a detailed discussion over whether to get them or not.

But if you're not into them it shouldn't be an issue for you or him and isn't really something to dwell on. Just explain to him and what you are or aren't into, he'll know better next time. In your situation I wouldn't be into the things you mentioned but I wouldn't be offended if he had got them either, I'd just say no and he'd have a better idea about my preferences next time. Men need things spelled out a bit sometimes.

FatherlyNick

He REALLY should have asked you before buying that stuff. Now you have to just tell him that you are not comfortable with all the peripherals and that you would rather be just him and you. Im sure he will understand.

shellyboo

Regardless of what he is into and you are not into -- this guy is not respecting your boundaries and that is a MASSIVE red flag. There are ways of introducing kink into a relationship -- surprising your partner with a truckload of fetish gear is not one of them. And before anyone think me a prude, I am the most pro-sexytimes person you can imagine!

From what you've said here OP, I really don't think you two are sexually compatible, and I really don't think you should be in a relationship with a guy who can't take no for an answer.