planning on coming out finally... but..

LegacyUser

hey all ye l's, g's, b's and t's...

I'm not sure why I'm posting this.. Suppose there's nobody I can really talk to openly about it and just wondering does anyone have any views.. I'll give the facts and my views.. but then maybe my thinking's a lil off?? Apologies if I end up rambling

I'm a 30 bi guy.. have very little experience with lads.. I've always had g/f's, and since I'm not one to cheat, it's only over the last year after a relationship ended that I've turned me back on girls, in order to find out exactly what or who I am The last thing I want is to be a 40yr old married guy sneakin around with lads.. so it was about time I sorted this..

I'm now fair certain I'm attracted to both sexes, however enjoy the company of lads more (and not only in a sexual way people!!), so in a way, if I were to jump into a new relationship, it would have to be with a guy.. I've spent my life wondering what could be, whether I'd ever be properly happy with a girl, and I think I've confirmed to myself it's guys for me..

So.. I explained this to the parents only 3months ago (I wasn't too worried bout this - they're a wonderful pair, and they took it grand).. Although I know well the mother is mourning the grandchild issue..

So I planned to tell the friends and be open about myself this summer.. until... (and the mother will be delighted - but seriously confused now ha) I found out my ex gf is pregnant after a bit of wine and music last month

The child and his/her mother's welfare must be the main thing I worry about now.. Which throws my plans of finally being who I am right up in the air.. I imagine outing myself as preferring guys wouldn't be a good idea with herself going through pregnancy . While I've made it clear to her I'll look after herself and the baby as much as I can (and my family will be an excellent and welcome support also), I've also made it clear that we as a couple have no future together - friends only.. I know she wants me to settle down with her though - big time (hey I'm a nice guy behind all the oddness ), and so I can't go telling her this right now.

But when do I finally get to live my own life (note: not complaining at all about the kid - I'll be a wicked loving father ).. If I don't come out during the pregnancy, I also don't wanna add pressure to the situation when the child is in it's 1st yr or two of life.. I care very much for the mother, and her welfare is a priority.. Coming out with a newborn just after arriving ain't really an option like.

So now I'm looking at living another 2/3yrs?? as a single straight male on the outside, while missing out on possibly meeting some great guys, making true gay/bi friends.. I've already missed out on over 10yrs of being myself.. This will drive me crazy as I've not been as sociable with the friends for the last couple months - because I can't be myself - and the situation will only worsen..

I was told about the baby 2weeks ago, and while normally not being a heavy drinker (one night out a week - and a midweek bottle wine - or two), I've been unable to sleep, can't explain the situation to anyone and have drank 8bottles vodka in 15day.. (and oddly wake up every morning at about 8am feeling fresh as a daisy)... I decided I needed to post this here as I'm hoping by writing it, I'll be able to walk past tesco later and detox meself at least till the weekend

Chuchoter

Perhaps I've been listening to too much Dan Savage, but an open relationship might solve your problems. I gather from your post that you like this girl, you want the baby (correct me if I'm wrong) so you could easily have some sort of open situation where you have boyfriends but also be serious with her. The only thing is these things seem to happen on the SavageLove podcast, I don't know if they happen in real life.

If thats not an option, I don't really see staying in the closet as a viable option either. Coming out can be **** if you did it ten years ago, today or 3 years in the future. There will always be a reason why its not the right time. The timing at this stage won't change anything and you're just going to become more and more angry, even bitter at this child and woman. You're obviously still on good terms with this person, you can raise the baby together but live separately and do your own thing.

And lay off the drink! No-one can make serious decisions after 8 bottles of vodka! :P

Cliona99

Congrats on the pregnancy first of all, even if the situation isn't ideal, you sound delighted about becoming a dad. I think the fairest thing is to be honest with her. You've told her the pair of you have no future (romantically) together, but it sounds like she didn't really believe/accept it. Also, being pregnant doesn't necessarily equate to being an emotional wreak, so she might not be as traumatised by the news as you think.

floggg

As another Dan Savage fan, I think the last thing he'd say to you is settle down with her. That would be unfair on you, unfair on her and also unfair on your baby.

Ultimately it's up to you to decide when to come out but I think as the poster above said there will always be reasons not to do it - your sure for the next 19 years or so your child will be a big one.

As much as you want to be there for her and for your child, you also have a right to be happy. You can't sacrifice you're life entirely and a happy self loving father will be a much better father for the child.

marcus2000

uhohuhoh wrote: »

....while missing out on possibly meeting some great guys, making true gay/bi friends.. I've already missed out on over 10yrs of being myself.. This will drive me crazy ...

We only get one go at this life, and being interested in guys is not a crime(any more). You admitted above that you have missed out on 10yrs of being yourself - that is far too long. I occassionally hide my sexuality (im not perfect,lol) and that can be a huge strain on me. Taking aside any immediate negative backlash, If you embrace your sexuality openly, you will be happier for it, and this will reflect better on your relationship with your child and the mother of your child. If you hold back, well, this can only lead to conflict/stress/sleepness nights/what ifs....i think.

have a meander around merrion square tomorrow. it's gay pride. ..you might meet some great guys and make some true gay/bi friends!!:)

oisindoyle

Well you're not "odd" for a start ............
Secondly, Your story is EXACTLY what happened to a friend of mine.

Now his child is 10 and all is well . His ex girlfriend has a new BF and my friend is is a relationship with his BF and most importantly the child is well looked after by both parents .

What you are going tru is a HUGE mix of emotions and confusion ,you dont know what to do you dont know what the future holds,you just came out to yourself and were planning your future as "you" and now your ex is pregnant ect etc etc

BUT you need to do whats right for YOU .(yes the baby is important of course)

I came out late in life (mid 30s) and only the other day a friend was talking to me and she asked me do I regret not coming out sooner and I answered with a big YES I do regret not coming out sooner .

You and your girlfriend spilt up for a reason remember that .

Obviously telling her that you are gay and have always been gay but surpressed it all your life is going to be hard for her to accept ,very hard ,but in time she will come round .

There is no right time to tell her but what you feel is right for you
I wish you well

Dwn Wth Vwls

It's 2012, I think she can handle the news. She's not a delicate flower. You're not together anymore, you're committed to the baby, there's no point lying about who you are. There will never be some amazing time to break the news, so just get it over with. If anything, pregnancy is the quiet time, it's afterwards that all hell breaks loose. Don't start making excuses.

filmbuffboy

theres nothing stopping you having a discreet relationship with a lad on the backburner until the 2/3 yr waiting time you have proposed for yourself has lapsed!!!

ninty9er

On the flip side, if she moves on, the kid gets a loving mother, a loving father and the possibility of 2 loving stepdads.

It's not a conventional family, but hey, what is these days.

It would probably turn out worse for everyone involved if you ended up staying together or repressing your feelings.