What do I do

LegacyUser

Hi there

Decided to go unregisterd on this one.

Row started this morning with hubby in front of kids as they get ready for school.
But i'll just give background info first.
He's not working and has never worked since we moved back from UK 9 years ago. He sits in front of the computer all day, reading up all about his football team and doesn't have any friends or any kind of social outlet. As a result he wants me here all the time!
He's 59 and i'm 38. He Resents me going out to work and college and has a serious 'chip' on his shoulder cos he's english living in Ireland. He does nothing with the kids, not even kicking a ball about or bringing them to a match or anything!! I do it all.
I returned to UCD as a mature student, I also work part time to pay the mortgage and the bills and when i'm home with them, I take them out and spend some Quality time with them.
So this morning starts and as usual I have to repeat myself again to my 9 year old daughter reminding her to change her underwear (after she's dressed) as this is so important from a hygenic point of view. I said ' Why do I have to remind you of this every morning - you know the routine'.
Then he starts shouting up the stairs ......'Leave her alone you control freak'.

So then it started. I'm generally not known for standing up for myself and tend to do as he says, but this morning I shouted back, and escalated in to a row, with him constantly calling me a 'control freak'.
He's come back from bringing the kids to school as if nothing has happened. Not an apology, nothing.

I haven't been intimate with him for 4 years and to be honest I suppose I wonder are we compatible at all.
Is this normal kinda behaviour??

Beruthiel

SoUpset wrote: »

He's not working and has never worked since we moved back from UK 9 years ago.

He Resents me going out to work and college and has a serious 'chip' on his shoulder cos he's english living in Ireland.

He does nothing with the kids

I returned to UCD as a mature student, I also work part time to pay the mortgage and the bills and when i'm home with them, I take them out and spend some Quality time with them.

'Leave her alone you control freak'.

I haven't been intimate with him for 4 years

So, you work, study, pay the bills and take care of the children.

Your husband does nothing, is a lazy bum who treats you like muck and you haven't had a proper relationship with him in four years.

Tell me, what are you doing still with him?
List the reasons for me.

Taltos

OP - each relationship is different so there really is no normal.

Instead ask yourself this - is this relationship fulfilling you and making you happy?
Can you see yourself still there in say 5 or 10 years or does it fill you with a sense of dread?

For what it's worth calling you a control freak in front of the children is not on - you both need to present a united front and keep arguments civil in front of the kids so they learn that disagreements are normal and must be dealt with civilly and with respect. Shouting like that only sends the wrong message.

LegacyUser

Is this normal kinda behaviour??

I guess everyone differs in what they accept in a relationship, some have higher standards than others. But personally, no, this to me is about as far away from normal as you can get. I wouldn't call the situation you have described as a relationship, let alone a marriage. Sounds like you are just a carer who he doesn't particularly like.
I also don't understand why any woman would stay in a "relationship" with a man they haven't had sex with in 4 years tbh, but each to their own.

I suppose I wonder are we compatible at all

To be blunt OP if I were you, wondering if the 2 of you were compatible would be the least of my worries, I'd be more concerned by the fact that that my husband hasn't an ounce of respect for me or my kids, and the impact such a terrible role model will have on them in the future.

If your daughter ended up with a man like your husband OP, would you be happy for her?
If the answer is no, then I'd seriously think long and hard as to why it's ok for you to accept such awful treatment and not your daughter, and whether you wanted to continue this "marriage".

Elmidena

Well done for standing up for yourself OP! Although rowing in front of the kids is a general no-no, I think that this morning will have unlocked something in you that previously you've been able to ignore. What do you feel when you wake up--happy you are with this man? Dreading the same slog of the time together on top of your other obligations? I don't care about his age or his nationality, this isn't acceptable. My dad's 80 and has worked every day of his life, he doesn't have a job and hasn't for years but he keeps himself busy as he hates the idea of being a vegetable rotting away. My family moved from England in the 80s and aside from me having a chip on my shoulder after being bullied all through school, nationality wasn't an issue for us. I learned in life that the kids were pricks because their parents were teaching them it was ok to be pricks, not that the country is nothing but pricks, which appears to be the attitude the husband has adopted.

If you are only with him for the sake of the children, do yourself a favour and end it. A firm split is a lot less confusing and traumatising than them growing up in this clearly one-sided relationship, and tbh OP, you are too young to put up with this as a marriage, and you are too old to be bullied and cowed for being successful and motivated. Best of luck OP

LegacyUser

What drew you to this man in the first place?! Why are you still with him?