Can't handle the pressure of my parents break up

LegacyUser

I'm 32, last November my mother decided she no longer wanted to be with my father (after 36 years) and left him. She is Italian and returned home to Italy to a property my parents shared and used for holidays etc. She let him know by text message that she had had enough and would not be returning - after she arrived.

I have one brother and neither of us saw this coming anymore than our father.

My father has taken it really badly, he is lost and is going out of his mind as he was not aware of the issues within the marriage and seems to still think he can fix the situation by leaving his job and moving to Italy. My mum has met someone else (my dad doesn't know this) and is having a great time, apparently she has wanted to get away for years.

She is refusing to take any calls from my dad or speak to him at all.

I hate to sound selfish but I'm really struggling with this as my brother lives in Italy and my dad for almost 7 months now has been calling over to my apartment every other night (the nights in between he expects me to call over to him) and I have lost all the freedom and independence I had. He rings me 6 times a day (this is how often he used to ring my mam) and wants to see me all the time. I want to support him but he doesn't even realise how hard it is on me. I can't tell him I don't have the time for him - but it's crazy, I've asked my mam to spak to him but she won't. I am the mediator in the situation and I think it's sending me over the edge. I was only seeing a lovely girl a little while when all this happened and we ended up breaking up because I didn't have the time for her....but also, now I'm from a broken family I feel so different, I just can't open up - I can't explain it. I am growing so tired of all this I just want to check out of everything and move abroad (although, that's a fantasy)

Can someone please give me a bit of advice?

Morag

Your dad needs a new lease of life, a hobby a social group or maybe eve a support group.
I would suggest that you see about getting him interested in one of the above.

ash23

First things first, you need to tell your dad that your mother has met someone else. He thinks there is still hope and by keeping him in the dark, he will never accept the situation.
A breakup is almost like a death. The emotions are similar and it takes time to work through them.
You seem to have a good relationship with your dad so I think you'll be able to speak to him in an open enough manner. You don't need to tell him you don't have time for him. But you do need to tell him that you are no longer able to cope with it. You are also dealing with the loss of your mother (as in she has moved away and your family has somewhat fallen apart). Just tell your dad that you can't cope with his grief anymore, it's too much.
I think he needs to be told the truth and to get some counseling to help him accept it and work through it.
He also needs to adjust to his new life as a single man. It is a big jump to go from being in a relationship and having someone there to going home to an empty house. But it's not fair to use you as a replacement either.

Ickle Magoo

What a horrible situation to find yourself in.

Does your dad have any family or friends nearby that could help you or you could confide in?

I think you really need to speak to your mum about the situation you have been left dealing with and that she needs to be the adult here, stop thinking of just herself and be honest with your dad that reconciliation is not going to happen so he and you can move on from this horrible limbo. Ask if she'll write if she won't speak in person but there has to be some kind of permanent resolution made clear.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the answers. In a strange way I don't blame my mam, on the few occasions she has spoken to him he just asks her what the weather is like and how is the family over there. etc, he totally avoids what's actually happening so it doesn't achieve anything


I've told him he needs to ask her all the questions he asks me, but he doesn't

I think if I told him he should go for counselling he would take offence, I don't want to reject him as well. He went to Italy at Easter time and was convinced that my brother and mam were in cahoots against him and would throw him out of the house...was mad stuff. (my mother went away during his visit so he could use the house)

My dad's friends are all married with grown up kids like he was. I think he feels ashamed, he's still wearing his wedding ring, even if he's over in my place and any of my mates ask where my mam is he just says shes away visiting the family.

I would be too worried to tell him my mam has a new boyfriend, I think it wouldn't help him, this situataion just feels endless and unsolvable

cats.life

oh my god op, does she not have any heart after 36yrs? your poor dad needs to be told that she has met someone else, if he clings on to hope longer than he should it will hurt him more..your hurting to , your thinking was it my fault,..how long since this has happend, sorry if you said before in your post i didnt read all of it cos my head was stuck on ''she done it by txt to tell dad'' how could she. im even upset reading it. but dad has to be told that there is no hope , i wouldnt want to after what and how she done it. you have to look after dad and the rest of your family have to look after you cos he is leaning on you for some comfort.

daisybelle2008

Hi OP, my advise is going to differ a little to others. To be honest I would make no effort trying to get your mother to speak to your father. It is not your responsibility to 'fix' this.
Your father appears to be a highly dependent individual (ringing your mother 6 times a day was never healthy). The fact that your mother is completely ignoring him, does not seem to be detering him from trying to 'win' her back.
I would be inclined to try to draw back a little. His dependency on you (and the degree to which you enable it) are not going to give him tools for his future.
I agree with Ash, be clear to him that you are not a surrogate replacement for your mum. Encourage him to seek counselling and get some outside hobbies.
Your mother has her reasons and who knows what went on. Emotionally dependent people like your father rarely see this coming, they tend to be too wrapped up in their own needs to be objective about relationships. It really is up to him and your mother to sort things out. If your mother does not want to speak to him then it is up to him to accept that and move on. Don't get caught in the trap of trying to mediate or manipulate her to speak to him.
Don't be afraid to tell him you don't have time for him. You are not helping him by being his crutch. He needs to stand on him own two feet. I honestly can't understand why you sacrificed a relationship for this situation. Are more failed relationships going to help your father?? Is you wallowing in misery with him going to help him?
Seriously you are doing more harm for him not treating him like an adult that is capable of fixing his own problems and being dependent on himself for entertainment. Your mother got so burnt out from it she does not even want to talk to him now. To be honest she is probably right. He would probably get the wrong impression if she did. He does not seem to be considerate of other peoples feelings at all. He needs to be made aware that he is a burden unless he empowers himself a bit more.
I can't beleive you are seeing him every single night??!! That is insane and not good for either of you. What do ye talk about every night? Surely he has friends or other relatives he can bother. If not he needs to learn the life skills to make them and he is not going to do that sitting in your apartment every night bringing ye both down.

Sleepy

Tell them both flatly that you have no further interest in being their go-between.

Tell your mother to grow up and behave like an adult rather than a petulant teenager and have the decency to let your father know where he stands.

Tell your dad you're not going to discuss his separation or his relationship with your mother with him any more and start establishing your own life again. I'd suggest a softly, softly approach here if you've been seeing him every night for the past 6 months or so: start by "being out" once or twice a week and expand it gradually. He needs to understand that while you're not abandoning him as your mother has done, you do have (and need) your own life to live.

tbh

I agree with sleepy. You need to talk to your mother and tell her the way she's handling it is having a detrimental effect on your life, whether she intended it or not. She should make more of an effort to resolve the situation imo.

btw - my folks split up yonks ago, when I was 12. I know exactly what you mean about it feeling weird. That'll pass tho.

LegacyUser

Thanks all of you

Especially thanks to tbh...I'm glad someone else understands the numbness of this for me. I am a grown up and I appreciate the logic of the situation, but right now I feel like I will never truly care about anything or anyone again. Not sure that makes sense.

My dad IS very wrapped up in himself, he's obsessed with all of this, I don't think he has any idea I am finding it this tough but it's only been a couple of months, I forgot to mention he's been having panic attacks and is now on anxiety medication. I actually did lose it with him about 6 weeks ago, I told him he needed to accept the situation and he was only fooling himself and I just depressed him. I've never alluded to mam ever wanting him back, she has told him it's 100% over but he just is convinced and determined to prove us wrong.

I deliberatley haven't said anything to my mam about the strain on me - there's nothing she can do from Italy about that but she does suspect it. She's been telling me to tell him to go away. At the end of the day I only have one father, he is my dad.

The few times I have made other plans...before me and the girl I was seeing broke up I did try and give her at least one evening a week (though I didn't manage it) and on the days I told him I wasn't around I felt incredibly guilty over it

He won't spend time with his friends because he doesn't want to admit to them that she has left them.

Maybe I need to look up counsellors for him but I think he will say my mother is in my head trying to make me off load him and abanon him. It's mad stuff he is saying

daisybelle2008

OP I'd be very careful in trying to 'get' your mother to talk to him against her will, it is putting you in an awkward position and one that might be the thin end of a wedge for your Dad. It might be a better lesson that he learns to accept that her not wanting to talk to him is a clear message on that front.
The fact she has up and left the country and does not want to communicate with him and yet he is thinking of leaving his job and moving to get back with her? He does not seem to have good boundaries or be considerate of imposing himself on other people. For this reason I would steer well clear of mediating any further or trying to strong arm your mother into engaging with him when she clearly does not want to, that is only going to wreck your head further. The fact she does not want to talk to him is going to mean a battle of wills for you and going to damage your relationship with her further.

Sleepy

Goingcrazymad wrote: »

I deliberatley haven't said anything to my mam about the strain on me - there's nothing she can do from Italy about that but she does suspect it.

Sorry, that's BS. She can answer his phone calls, call him up herself or even jump on a Ryanair flight to explain to him that she's seeing someone else and this separation is final.

Maybe I need to look up counsellors for him but I think he will say my mother is in my head trying to make me off load him and abanon him. It's mad stuff he is saying

Isn't she? You said yourself that she tells you to just tell him to just "go away".

Your mother's behaving abominably here. It's not your job as her son to break up with your father on her behalf.

I've been through the whole parents separating thing, over12 years ago at this stage, the weirdness goes after a while but it can leave an effect on you alright. If your parents keep acting like children rather than the grown adults they're supposed to be, it'll leave you thinking less of them. Best thing to do in my opinion is to lay down the law that the separation is their own business and you're not going to be involved. If the father doesn't take the hint and back off at that, I'd be looking at moving the other side of the country tbh. Seeing one's parents a couple of times a week is one thing, having them in your life every evening when you're a grown adult is either a bit pathetic or an absolute headwreck tbh.

LegacyUser

It's possible your mother did try to get through to him before she left but he's in complete denial. If she is in a new relationship and there's no chance of reconciliation then perhaps suggest to her she begin to make the separation formal and legal. Otherwise your father will still cling on to some hope she will come back to him. I think this is the only way to be fair to him and better in the long run for everybody involved.

LegacyUser

Well that's just it, I work quite near the family home so I used to pop in after work to the 2 of them for dinner maybe twice a week and be gone after an hour or so. Now, every day it's arranged whether I go to my dad or he goes to me and I have to stay there till late at night or he won't leave for hours. I do still get the odd evening where he will meet a friend or be going to the doctor or working late but it's rare and I find myself just lying on my bed and zoning out.

I told him last night that I missed having free time and being able to do things I used to like go for runs or meet friends and his response was "You only think that, free time isn't good for anyone" He's just talking in riddles and he feels so bad I don't know how to get my message across without him feeling a burden. He's had a few panic attacks at this stage so I have to be careful

My mam won't talk to him, there's no point in even asking her too. We both went to Italy at Christmas (this was only 2 - 3 weeks after she left) and she talked to him then for an hour or so. She's already sent him divorce papers - I thought they needed to be separated for X amount of time but anyway - my dad won't even bring them to his solicitor - he's just ignoring it. My mams putting presure on me to sort that out because she wants to have the house in Italy as my dad keeps talking about going over. It's a mess

Sleepy

Tell your mother to sort out her own messes. As I said, it's not your job to do her dirty work for her.

Taltos

OP - I think you need to talk to a professional about this.

The strain on you must be unbearable and to be honest you are not trained to deal with all this crap.
I also think your father needs to see someone - maybe go with him to his GP and have a talk?

The longer you let this go on the more it is going to destroy you - so please go and talk to someone as soon as you can to get the tools to do with this.

In the meantime do what you can to spend more time alone - arrange with your dad set days and times where you can meet up. Say Tuesday and Thursday for 2 or 3 hours - and leave at that time. All you can do is encourage him to seek help - but you are not that help - you can't fix this for him.
I know he won't like this and will try to guilt you out - but just stop him - "Dad - you need to stop, I can't help you and you trying to guilt me is just going to push me away too. Now I have to go and I will talk to you on xxxx" - And turn off your phone or don't answer it.

Remember - at this point he really does need more help than you can give him - all you can do is direct him to it - even talk to his GP alone and see if you can arrange a home visit but step back for your own sake.

tbh

goingcrazymad wrote: »

Well that's just it, I work quite near the family home so I used to pop in after work to the 2 of them for dinner maybe twice a week and be gone after an hour or so. Now, every day it's arranged whether I go to my dad or he goes to me and I have to stay there till late at night or he won't leave for hours. I do still get the odd evening where he will meet a friend or be going to the doctor or working late but it's rare and I find myself just lying on my bed and zoning out.

I told him last night that I missed having free time and being able to do things I used to like go for runs or meet friends and his response was "You only think that, free time isn't good for anyone" He's just talking in riddles and he feels so bad I don't know how to get my message across without him feeling a burden. He's had a few panic attacks at this stage so I have to be careful

My mam won't talk to him, there's no point in even asking her too. We both went to Italy at Christmas (this was only 2 - 3 weeks after she left) and she talked to him then for an hour or so. She's already sent him divorce papers - I thought they needed to be separated for X amount of time but anyway - my dad won't even bring them to his solicitor - he's just ignoring it. My mams putting presure on me to sort that out because she wants to have the house in Italy as my dad keeps talking about going over. It's a mess

I know this doesn't help you, but you need to be told: the way your mother is acting is a total disgrace. It's completely selfish. As I say - I know that doesn't ease your situation, but don't you be thinking that you should put up with it. I'm a neutral, and I'm telling you - she's a disgrace.
I'm bloody angry and I don't even know the woman!!

curlzy

Hey OP,

I know it hurts when people insult your parents so I'm going to put this as delicately as I can. Both of your parents are acting really really badly. You are now, in fact, parenting your parents. That is unbelievably unhealthy for you. I urge you very very very strongly to seek counselling. You need support to be strong enough to distance yourself from this. As it stands you're wracked with guilt, I'd imagine this is pretty much all you think about and are probably getting depressed and anxious. I've never been through this, thank god, but I can imagine how f*cking trapped by this you must feel. Seriously OP, go to your GP and arrange a counseller, they'll give you the support and tools you need to step away from this.

In the meantime remember this and hang onto it: YOU CAN'T FIX YOUR DAD, YOU CAN'T FIX YOUR MAM, OR THEIR MARRAIGE, THIS ISN'T UP TO YOU TO FIX.

Very best of luck OP.

Beruthiel

Hi OP.

I won't mince words here, you're parents are both acting appallingly and you are allowing them to bring you down with them.
Yes, I know it is very difficult being stuck in the middle like this and you care for them and feel the need to help, but, is your trying to help them out actually doing any good?
Is it doing you any good?
No.

Many times on this forum we have had threads from people who have children and they were separating.
My foremost advice has always been, do not, under any circumstances, involve your children in the nasty side of your break up.
Your parents are breaking rule 101.
To include your child, no matter what the age, in the nitty, gritty, tit for tat crap is unforgivable imo.

Now, I know this might seem cold and harsh, but this is your mental health we are talking about here.

Clearly your parents are so caught up in their own drama that they have not thought of you in all of this.
So, time for you to step up and tell them to back off.

Don't be afraid to tell your mother that she is driving you crazy and that she can deal with her own crap from now on and you will not be getting involved any more.
Tell your Dad the same.
They are both grown adults. Your parents.
It is not up to you as the child to feel responsible for them and how they behave towards each other.

Time to think only of yourself OP.
Leave them to it and feel free to tell them that's exactly what you are doing.
Best of luck.

daisybelle2008

Your mam knows she will have some job divorcing him with his total lack of acceptance of the situation. I am not sure what more she can do. She has told him 100% it is over and given him divorce papers. Spelling the truth out to a delusional person who won't accept it, is no walk in the park. To be honest I would see him as more of a problem for you than her encouraging you to get him to see reality and sort the divorce papers. Frankly thats what he needs to do to be out of your hair

He is happy in his little delusion, it has become his little safety blanket. I mean lying to his friends that she is just on holidays is scary. He absolutely knows it is over. I would be inclined to contradict and tell his friends and family the truth in front of him at every opportunity, don't protect his delusion, it won't help him in the long run. He is scared of independence as he has never tried it. Time for him to learn.

I would be inclined to tell him to take himself off to Italy if that is what he wants I mean it has been 7 months and all he is doing is imposing his misery on you 24/7 with absolutely no consideration of your life. Let him park himself in the house and the two of them can deal with the reality of the situation and give you a well deserved break. In fact I'd probably buy him a ticket and let him land himself on her (or your brothers) doorstep to deal with. Although it is probable it will be like the Easter situation when he went there. Might help give him another reality check though.
Although he will probably just rant about them being in cahoots again when things don't go his way.

Cosseting and minding him like a broken child is seriously not helping him. You would be surprised at how resilient people are when they have to pick up the pieces themselves and deal with the situation. Having you to latch on to and emotionally drain is delaying his independence and shading him from reality.

God it really is a bit scary how emotionally dependent he is for a grown man. Talking about you 'abondoning' him is very manipulative. He has a bit more cop on to the situation than you think.
It is cute how he can twist it when things are not going his way and as for only talking to your mam about the weather instead of dealing with the divorce….he knows what he is doing and is trying to delay and manipulate things as best he can.

edellc

Op I think all the advice being given about how selfish your mothers behaviour is, is justified and their is nothing I can add to that one

I tend to agree with daisybelle2008 about shipping him off to Italy to let your mother see the consequences of her actions and maybe give your father a reality check, two birds with one stone and all that

I also have been through parents separating after 26years of marriage and yes the man does tend to be that dependant on the wife, thinks its a generation thing and also if your with someone since your a teenager then you really know no different, however scary it sounds to read it

I think what your asking is how to get your independence back with out telling your dad to feck off, and I think the first step to getting that is by letting his friends know what has happened and the rest of your family. Does your father have siblings, and if is there anyway you could invite them round for dinner one night - obviously not all together but over a few weeks?? likewise with his friends or even try get in touch and see if any of them are free at the week end for a quite drink and drag your dad along....once the people in his life realise what is happening I'm sure they wont he heartless b*stards and will support your and your dad and will want to be there for him.

But he is not going to pick up the phone so I think you need to, if not for him but for you so that you can start getting others involved to help and free up some time for you.

Also does your dad have any interests, I know social clubs are a clique but is there any chance there are ones in the area that you can bring him to, and hold his hand for the first few times until he finds his feet??

I know it should be on your head but I get that you love your dad and just want to be there for him and wants another few months out of your life to get him back on his feet and forcing him into situations that he has to be a bit socialable and maybe he will see that there is life after your mother and he just might want to start living again

it may be a long short but why no give it try if it works yeah if not then what have you lost

peace and love op hope it gets easier for you all

LegacyUser

I really appreciate everyone's advice. It is hard to read that stuff about my mam. I've started to wonder if what I have been going through is what she has been putting up with for the last 36 years. Maybe that's why she needed the escape. Don't get me wrong, I don't resent my dad - I get angry but I know this is a tough time for him. But I am starting to understand my mams actions. I just never saw this side of either of my parents before.

I will suggest counselling, or even just go to a counsellor myself and try figure this out. You have all been so helpful I'll come back and let you know how it goes!

daisybelle2008

goingcrazymad wrote: »

I really appreciate everyone's advice. It is hard to read that stuff about my mam. I've started to wonder if what I have been going through is what she has been putting up with for the last 36 years. Maybe that's why she needed the escape. Don't get me wrong, I don't resent my dad - I get angry but I know this is a tough time for him. But I am starting to understand my mams actions. I just never saw this side of either of my parents before.

I will suggest counselling, or even just go to a counsellor myself and try figure this out. You have all been so helpful I'll come back and let you know how it goes!

This is true. I actually disagree with most of the other posters berating your mother here. She has spelt out the situation to him in no uncertain terms. I can see why she would need to cut him off at this point, he is capable of acting like an emotional vampire and taking liberties with peoples time and energy from his neediness. He refuses to respect her decision or your sanity. He won't listen to want he doesn't want to hear, so her 'talk' would be wasted on him. All he will do is continue to talk about the weather and ignore what she is saying like he has done so far. I can see where her encouraging you to get him to see a solicitor might be overstepping the mark, but it is something he should be doing for himself.
Sure it is sad a marriage ends but this happens a lot, partners pass away, people separate, the other person has to learn to cope. He doesn't need more spoon feeding or heart to hearts with your mother. He already knows it is over and like a petulent child is leading you a merry dance for attention and accusing your mother and brother of being in 'cahoots' when he does not get his way.
Don't treat him like a victim, start doing your own thing and pull back from him emotionally. Self sufficiency and independence are skills he needs to learn, even at this stage of life.

Jesus my father thankfully is wonderfully independent since my mother passed away. To be honest he would not have been molly coddled by me for 7 months the way you have been with your Dad. Life goes on, we have to accept and move on.

curlzy

Hey OP,

I really wouldn't take anything that people are saying about your parents (either of them) to heart. No one, you included, can know what their marraige was like, only you know that. I think they're both acting in a way that is damaging you, they're obviously so caught up in their own drama that they haven't considered you or your brother. Honestly OP, try to not blame either of them, it'll only foster anger and confusion in you. Just leave it to one side and go and see a cousellor, they're trained to help you.

Big hug OP, I hope things get better for you soon.

up for anything

tbh wrote: »

I know this doesn't help you, but you need to be told: the way your mother is acting is a total disgrace. It's completely selfish. As I say - I know that doesn't ease your situation, but don't you be thinking that you should put up with it. I'm a neutral, and I'm telling you - she's a disgrace.
I'm bloody angry and I don't even know the woman!!

That is more than a bit unfair considering as you said you don't even know the woman! How can you judge and badmouth her based on what the OP has written. Even he is only coming to the conclusion that what he is going through with his father may only be the tip of the iceberg of what she went through in their marriage.

OP, my ex was/still is an emotionally dependent man and ends up sucking every single ounce of energy and life out of anyone he comes to depend on. I wanted to end my marriage many many years before I did, and probably only was able to through reaching the end of my tether and circumstances coming to a head. When I went to a counselor and spoke of my guilt and how worried I was about how he was coping (she told me that he wasn't my business any more, that I had finished it and that if I wanted it to stay finished that I had to cut thecord otherwise I was enabling him to remain dependent on me and that was hurting both of us in different ways. She made me see that he is an adult with all an adult's capabilities but it is just that he doesn't want to use them... even now.

It's been two and half years now and he still tells people he doesn't know why his marriage ended and why I left. A old friend of his took pity on him a few months after the marriage ended and took him to live with him and kept him from descending into complete depression but now that friend is trying to cut the cord in his turn, probably from desperation, and my ex is once again heading downhill.

It's like he cannot live his life without being emotionally parasitic. Maybe your father is like him and the only way your mother can escape him and try and get through to him is by cutting contact completely. It is unfortunate for you but maybe you need to learn to cut down on your contact with him for your own sake and for his in the long run. Your mother has not left you carrying the load she left behind her - you have taken it up out of pity and love and it's time you learned how to leave it down gently.

tbh

up for anything wrote: »

That is more than a bit unfair considering as you said you don't even know the woman! How can you judge and badmouth her based on what the OP has written.

How else am I meant to judge her?? The OP has written about her - I assume he's told the truth. Based on what he's written, I've judged the mother to be selfish. I accept completely that the dad (no offense OP) sounds like a bit of a head-wreck, but the mother KNOWS how hard this is on the OP, and she's washing her hands of it.

Selfish.
Unacceptable.

goingcrazymad wrote: »

My mam won't talk to him, there's no point in even asking her too.

Selfish.

We both went to Italy at Christmas (this was only 2 - 3 weeks after she left) and she talked to him then for an hour or so.

Unacceptable

My mams putting presure on me to sort that out because she wants to have the house in Italy as my dad keeps talking about going over.

Absolutely 100% totally and completely unacceptable.

I'm not saying the mother is a bad person - to be honest, she seems like she's dealt with this for a long time.

She is the parent. She married the dad. It is up to her and her alone to sort this out and putting pressure on the OP to do it, and cope with the breakup, and look after the father, while she's in Italy is 100% U...well you know my thoughts on this.

up for anything

tbh wrote: »

How else am I meant to judge her?? The OP has written about her - I assume he's told the truth. Based on what he's written, I've judged the mother to be selfish. I accept completely that the dad (no offense OP) sounds like a bit of a head-wreck, but the mother KNOWS how hard this is on the OP, and she's washing her hands of it.
............

She is the parent. She married the dad. It is up to her and her alone to sort this out and putting pressure on the OP to do it, and cope with the breakup, and look after the father, while she's in Italy is 100% U...well you know my thoughts on this.

Ok, sorry, you're right about judging her on what the OP has written because that is what I did too.

As for her being the parent - that is true too but the OP is 32 not 12 or even 22. She hasn't left a child behind to cope with the situation. She left behind two adults.

She is wrong to be putting pressure on him to energise the dad into sorting out the divorce papers. In that instance he should be telling her to DIY. She knows her husband well enough to realise that she will probably have to wait till she can get a default divorce or whatever they are called. A husband who called her six times a day is never going to voluntarily let go.

daisybelle2008

tbh wrote: »

She is the parent. She married the dad. It is up to her and her alone to sort this out and putting pressure on the OP to do it, and cope with the breakup, and look after the father, while she's in Italy is 100% U...well you know my thoughts on this.

From what I have read that is not the case. tbh, you do realise the father does not want to hear his marriage is over, ESPECIALLY from his wife!! He won't accept it and does not want to believe it.

Seriously I do not know if you have had much experience dealing with delusional people. Believe me I have, they are impossible to get through to. If they do not want to accept an idea, nobody is going to convince them until they eventually decide to drop it themselves, after they have driven everyone else around the fecking bend. :rolleyes:

Read below comments from the OP. I suppose we all have different views of what the OP has written. I cannot see anywhere that she is putting pressure on the OP to cope with the breakup and look after the father ...Really it is not the mothers job to try to convince the father his marriage is over. He is a very delusional dependent man.

goingcrazymad wrote: »

on the few occasions she has spoken to him he just asks her what the weather is like and how is the family over there. etc, he totally avoids what's actually happening so it doesn't achieve anything


I've told him he needs to ask her all the questions he asks me, but he doesn't

He went to Italy at Easter time and was convinced that my brother and mam were in cahoots against him

any of my mates ask where my mam is he just says shes away visiting the family.

Goingcrazymad wrote: »

My dad IS very wrapped up in himself, he's obsessed with all of this,

she has told him it's 100% over but he just is convinced and determined to prove us wrong.

I deliberatley haven't said anything to my mam about the strain on me - there's nothing she can do from Italy about that but she does suspect it. She's been telling me to tell him to go away.

He won't spend time with his friends because he doesn't want to admit to them that she has left them.

Maybe I need to look up counsellors for him but I think he will say my mother is in my head trying to make me off load him and abanon him. It's mad stuff he is saying

tbh

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

From what I have read that is not the case. tbh, you do realise the father does not want to hear his marriage is over, ESPECIALLY from his wife!! He won't accept it and does not want to believe it.

Seriously I do not know if you have had much experience dealing with delusional people. Believe me I have, they are impossible to get through to. If they do not want to accept an idea, nobody is going to convince them until they eventually decide to drop it themselves, after they have driven everyone else around the fecking bend. :rolleyes:

the mother, in my opinion, should be doing everything in her power to minimise the effects of HER decision on her CHILDREN (whatever age they are).

The op is left in a position where he either abandons his father, or is suffocated by him, through no fault of his own.

Read below comments from the OP. I suppose we all have different views of what the OP has written. I cannot see anywhere that she is putting pressure on the OP to cope with the breakup and look after the father ...Really it is not the mothers job to try to convince the father his marriage is over. He is a very delusional dependent man.

Maybe not, but obviously the son feels some form of filial duty. The mother is starting a new life in Italy, and the son is left in Ireland trying to hold it all together. Do you think that's acceptable?

daisybelle2008

tbh wrote: »

the mother, in my opinion, should be doing everything in her power to minimise the effects of HER decision on her CHILDREN (whatever age they are).

The op is left in a position where he either abandons his father, or is suffocated by him, through no fault of his own.



Maybe not, but obviously the son feels some form of filial duty. The mother is starting a new life in Italy, and the son is left in Ireland trying to hold it all together. Do you think that's acceptable?

What do you suggest she does to minimise the effects? You do realise the father is not listening to anybody and won't even engage with the mother in an adult way about the divorce. Believe me wasting your energy trying to get through to someone in complete denial is a pointless exercise in futility. Please read 'up for anythings' experience. The OP has said repeatedly that the father is refusing to accept it. This could go on for years. I guarantee you the Dad will only blame the fact that someone else is influencing the mother leaving him.
You are missing the salient point, the Dad does not want to be independent and will continue to peddle that his marriage isn't over, until it does not serve him any longer, even if God appeared to him and told him.
Really is it her job to keep trying to get through to a delusional man-child who refuses to accept reality, or is it his job to accept that receiving divorce papers from someone who has told you it is 100% over with no going back, means that the relationship is 'probably' over.
Letting his father be more self sufficient is not 'abandoning' him. It is empowering him to be a fecking adult. He really needs skills of not being a parasitic emotional drain on his adult son or his ex wife. It is not her job anymore (or every was) to be an independent functioning adult.
The fact the OP is enabling his father is hardly the mother fault. Nobody should be molly coddling the dad. If they do it out of guilt. The mother did it for years and now conveniently someone else is picking up the pieces. Mum and son should have kicked him to touch years ago...

Do you think an adult man has to be minded 24/7 like a dependent child by anyone?
It is up to the Dad to accept the situation and live independently. You do realise HE DOES not want to do that. Why should other people take the responsibility of that?

When do you think the father should start accepting reality and take ownership for his future?

Morag

tbh wrote: »

the mother, in my opinion, should be doing everything in her power to minimise the effects of HER decision on her CHILDREN (whatever age they are).

The op is left in a position where he either abandons his father, or is suffocated by him, through no fault of his own.

Then the OP who is an adult needs to put in place and enforce better boundaries with the father. If the mother had of died and the father was acting like this then, the OP would still have to put in place and enforce better boundaries with the father.

tbh wrote: »

Maybe not, but obviously the son feels some form of filial duty. The mother is starting a new life in Italy, and the son is left in Ireland trying to hold it all together. Do you think that's acceptable?

Relationships end and when they do, we are not longer responsible for the other person. The father won't face up to reality and I can't see how the mother can force him, should she ring friends and relative and tell them or take out an ad in the local paper?

The marriage broke down, the relationship is over, the mother has made herself pretty clear, if the father is living in denial then that is his issue to deal with, the OP can't and shouldn't take on sorting it out, the father needs to go talk to a counsellor.

tbh

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

Why should other people take the responsibility of that?

I'm afraid you'll have to ask the OP that.

up for anything

OP, what might serve you best is take your father out socialising and hope he finds a lady friend who likes sad cases and will take him on as her new project thereby releasing you from your self-imposed burden. There are lots out of lonely older ladies out there who are craving for someone to need them because they need to be needed.

opinion guy

up for anything wrote: »

OP, what might serve you best is take your father out socialising and hope he finds a lady friend who likes sad cases and will take him on as her new project thereby releasing you from your self-imposed burden. There are lots out of lonely older ladies out there who are craving for someone to need them because they need to be needed.

Its not the OP's job to be his dad's wingman.


OP I think you are reaching the transition in life that we all have to face eventually - that time when we are finally being more grown up than our parents.

I also think you are in the mindset of 'these are my parents and I must be the dutiful son and act as such'

Bollocks to that.

Think of it this way - imagine it wasn't your Dad that was calling over and wrecking your head - imagine it was one of your mates - because you Dad is now treating you as his mate. What would you be saying to your mate in this situation ? Would you allow your mate to wreck your life ? I doubt it. Well if your Dad is going to act like your mate - then treat him like your mate. I'm not going to tell you what to say, because it sounds like your Dad is a bit delicate. But what I am saying i change your mindset from that of dutiful son to that of mate. Stop seeing them as your parents and see them as you would anyone else.

For me it was fighting between my mum and my dads sister. My mum used always try to drag me in on her side. At some point I realised a) this is between them and b) this is affected my relationship with both of them. And so I laid down the law. Whenever my mum brought it up I just refused to listen. I just said NO. I don't want to be involved. Leave me out of it. Of course she got annoyed and offended at this and started all the 'but i am your mother you are suppsoed to take my side' stuff. But I had none of it. Absolutely I was rigid and even raised my voice in anger at her attempts to manipulate me. A few months of this and her behaviour changed. She stopped trying to drag me in. And in the end it improved my relationship with both of them.


So anyhow the point is - they are putting you in the position of being the adult in their squabble. And you are reacting as the child in your role as dutiful son. You need to stop that. If they are putting you in position of the parental adult - act that way. Act as the adult who stops two kids from fighting. Lay down the law as you see it. (again not going to tell you what to say as you know best - and if I'm reading you correctly - it seems like your Dad at least needs to dealt with with some level of tact and skill - so by all means get some professional advice if you think it will help).

Think of it as you being the teacher in kindergarden and two kids are refusing to share. Because that is the position they are putting you in. Act accordingly.

LegacyUser

OP, no matter what has transpired in all of this there will always be three sides to the story; your father, your mother and the truth. May I also add that your mother needs to speak with your father, regardless! Avoiding and ignoring him is not helping. In fact it is stalling the process more and she needs to realise this and go to the next level.

Both your parents are acting deplorable in handling this matter. First your father not accepting that it's over and dragging you along and sucking out all your time, energy and sanity. Your mother thousands of miles away and calling you to ask you to have your father go to the solicitor? Who knows what she is putting your other brother through? She needs to get her ar$e on the next Ryanair flight and handle this herself if she really wants this divorce to be finalised. Avoiding and ignoring has not been working because it has been almost 8 months and your father has done nothing on his end! He is probably clinging to false hope that the space (I am using this term evasively) he gives her that she may come back. Also keep in mind, you do not know what kind of marriage your parents had and that is between your mother and father. Parents are sometimes very good at hiding what is really going on around the kids. This is what may explain your shock in the whole thing because you saw them in a different light.

She may have told your father it's over but she needs to go up a notch. She needs to tell your father it's over with a mediator, counsellor or solicitor present. Her message cannot get any clearer than that and your father can no longer run from reality.

I really feel for you and have been very lucky that I never experienced divorce in my family. But I have seen friends go through it and it gets me upset that parents actually drag their own children (young or adult) into it which is so very wrong.