Adults with Divorced Parents? Advice/Empathy appreciated

FairytaleGirl

Title says it all.

Hope theres others on here who can identify with me.

Im 24, my parents are apart 6years this year. Awful break up - with my mum walking out on my dad taking the 4 kids with her without warning.

Both are remarried now, Dad has 2 more kids.

Dad never forgave 'us' (his words) for leaving - Mum is so angry and bitter at dad for not supporting the kids (even though they worked out a 70/30 divide of their assest so dad wouldnt owe maintenance)

And Im STILL listening to it all. Theyre Impossible to reason with the both of them. It stressus me out and makes me SO angry - not to mention worried about my younger siblings (20, 16 and 13).

Of course being the oldest kid I get caught as go between, mammy and daddy for the whole lot of them.

ARGH.

Roisy7

Hey Fairytale Girl, I'm very sorry to hear of your problems.

It's horrible to think that parents being so childish and selfish six years on and I can imagine how stressful and upsetting it is for you at an age you want to enjoy yourself.

I know they are impossible to reason with, but would it be worth sitting them down separately and explaining how hurtful this is for you and your siblings? They both need to let their anger and bitterness go and stop hurting you and your siblings.

Explain to them that this is your final word on the subject, and you will no longer be listening to either of them on the subject.

Parents who split up need to put their children first and this is NOT what they have been doing. I would worry about the damage this is doing to your younger siblings, especially the 13 year old who must hardly remember a time when they weren't fighting.

No matter how much they bitch and argue, try not to engage. Walk out of the room if needs be. That should prove to them that you're serious, and maybe they'll finally come to their senses. It WILL be hard but it's the only way to deal with the situation, detach from it.

Your father's new wife; have you any sort of relationship with her? Could you talk to discreetly about what this is doing to you (although I realise that this might cause friction with your mother). Same with your mother's new partner.

I imagine you've had to grow up very fast and I know you feel a responsibility to your siblings, but it's time for your parents to step up and be parents again. They don't have to like each other, just put ye first.

Don't hesitate to go to counselling OP even just for a little while; you've had a lot to deal with and I suspect you have been largely forgotten in their conflict.

Best of luck OP, thinking of you x

savvyav

I'm in a similar situation myself, parents separated 5 years ago when I was twenty and are currently divorcing but still very bitter towards each other. It was really starting to get to me until a few months ago when I decided that I had had enough. The next time one of them started ranting at me I very politely told them that I didn't want to hear it, it wasn't fair to put me in the middle and if they felt they needed to complain and whinge at someone they should go to a councellor. They do both try to rant at me still sometimes but I either say I have to get off the phone or else I leave the room. The way I see it, it doesn't matter whether you're 12, 20 or 40, you're the child in this and parents should have enough cop on not to be putting you in the middle. I felt really guilty when I started acting like this, but then I thought, sod it, I've been listening to this rubbish for long enough and if they want to live in a time warp and relive a painful traumatic time, grand, but I want to enjoy my life!

I agree with the poster above as well, don't be afraid to go to a councellor if you feel you need it. Sometimes you're so busy listening to everyone else's ranting you forget to have a rant yourself