Is this ok?

LegacyUser

Hi

So I've been seeing a guy for the past 3 weeks. Things are going great and we've been out about 5 times and talk most days. There has been no "talk" or anything, but we have spent the night together.
I was out last night with friends and got talking to a guy, we really got on great and he asked for my number, I gave it to him. We didn't kiss or anything, and he asked if I was going out with anyone, I said I was seeing someone but I wasn't sure what the story was.
Anyway he called me this afternoon, and asked what I was up to for the week. We have arranged to meet for a drink some time mid week, but I feel really guilty about the other guy.

Is it ok to do this when you're dating someone else?

P. Breathnach

You have been briefly but fairly intensely involved with the first guy, including sleeping with him. And now you decide to go out with somebody else.

You should not be asking us what we think. Ask the guy you have been going out with. In fairness, he is entitled to know that you are not treating this as an exclusive relationship, and he can make his mind up about whether or not that suits him.

StillWaters

Unless dating rules have changed drastically in the past few years, no it is not ok to do this when you are dating.

If you want to go on a date with guy #2, you need to tell guy #1. guy#1 then decides if he wishes to remain in an open relationship.

Lorna123

Isthisok? wrote: »

Hi

So I've been seeing a guy for the past 3 weeks. Things are going great and we've been out about 5 times and talk most days. There has been no "talk" or anything, but we have spent the night together.
I was out last night with friends and got talking to a guy, we really got on great and he asked for my number, I gave it to him. We didn't kiss or anything, and he asked if I was going out with anyone, I said I was seeing someone but I wasn't sure what the story was.
Anyway he called me this afternoon, and asked what I was up to for the week. We have arranged to meet for a drink some time mid week, but I feel really guilty about the other guy.

Is it ok to do this when you're dating someone else?

See you put the cart before the horse, you slept with guy no. 1 before it was established whether you were exclusive or not, bad move. However, you would not be the first to do this and won't be the last. So now you are in the predicament that you don't know what to do. Well, if you went out tomorrow night and saw guy no. 1 holding hands and sitting nice and cosily with another woman how would you feel ? Added to that you have also told guy no. 2 that you are actually seeing someone else, so now he has to be wondering about that too.

It is probably too early to be asking guy no. 1 for permission to date someone else because he will probably tell you to do what you think you want to do but it is going to spoil any chance of this relationship progressing if you do mention it.

I can't advise you OP, sorry, I was just pointing out a few things that cropped up as I read your post.

Beetlebum

Hmmm...call me a slut but I don't see anything wrong with that at all and if it were me I wouldn't be feeling remotely guilty.

I too have been seeing a guy for about 3 weeks and if I met another guy in a bar tonight I'd have no qualms about giving him my number/going on a date with him.

It hasn't been officially stated with guy no 1 that you're exclusive therefore you are not exclusive. All's fair in love and war and you're free to do whatever you like at this early stage (IMO).

Have fun OP

Dimitri

I have to say I always thought that was the point of dating as opposed to going out with someone.

Pa Dee

Isthisok? wrote: »

Hi

So I've been seeing a guy for the past 3 weeks. Things are going great and we've been out about 5 times and talk most days. There has been no "talk" or anything, but we have spent the night together.
I was out last night with friends and got talking to a guy, we really got on great and he asked for my number, I gave it to him. We didn't kiss or anything, and he asked if I was going out with anyone, I said I was seeing someone but I wasn't sure what the story was.
Anyway he called me this afternoon, and asked what I was up to for the week. We have arranged to meet for a drink some time mid week, but I feel really guilty about the other guy.

Is it ok to do this when you're dating someone else?

No it is not ok

Beetlebum

Why is it not ok? They are casually dating, they're not even going out, i.e. boyfriend and girlfriend. She can do what she likes, she's still a free agent!

coco_lola

The way I would look at it is do you want to see this going somewhere with Guy #1? If you do, then I would advise against going on a date with Guy #2. Because if it does go somewhere with Guy #1, you will always look back on the date with Guy #2 and regret it. Or maybe you won't, I don't know. But I know I would.

The Lovely Muffin

I agree with P. Breathnach .

You have been sleeping with guy #1 which to me, would seem like an exclusive relationship.

I know when my boyfriend and I started dating last year, if he told me that he was going on a date with someone after we'd been dating for three weeks and had slept together, we wouldn't be together now, a year later.

IMO when you start sleeping with a guy, that's when you become exclusive. Unless it's a friend with benefits relationship.

2rkehij30qtza5

Well what i would do is ask yourself do you like guy #1 to be in a relationship or not?

If the answer is yes..then tell him that another guy has asked you out (no need to give him further specifics) and you'd like to know what guy #1 thinks of that because you would like to only see guy #1 but if he is not interested in a relationship, then you'd like to know now.

If the answer to my first qn is no, then 'break up' with guy #1, tell him you are no longer interested, and go meet guy #2.

But seeing guy #2 at this point behind guy #1's back is quite uncool.

Beetlebum

Wow....peoples replies on here have really surprised me.

3 weeks is early doors. I think after only a few weeks in you're entitled to do whatever you like. I honestly wouldn't care if the guy I'm seeing now went on a date with another girl. We're only 'seeing' each other and it's only been a few weeks.

Also, just because you sleep with someone that does not make it exclusive. Maybe you just slept with them cos you fancy them and wanted to have sex with them. Why should that mean you can't also have sex with other people you fancy?

OP, go on the date with guy 2 and enjoy yourself. He already knows you're seeing someone and maybe he's actually teh right guy for you. You'll always wonder if you don't. I wouldn't go telling guy no 1 either, simply because it's none of his business!

Piliger

Imho there is nothing 'wrong' with sleeping around and casual sex. If you're into it, fine, it's your life. But what IS important is that both parties know where they stand.

So in my view the real question is does this guy you had sex with know where he stands ? If so fine. If not then I suggest it is important to let him know.

I don't think it's OK at all. I would assume that if you're dating and sleeping with someone, then it's exclusive unless you have decided otherwise. I don't understand why on earth you'd be interested in seeing other people if you're already seeing someone you like. You can't possibly be having a proper go at a relationship with Guy #1 if you can't even commit to one person.

So, it definitely wouldn't be OK with me. I hate this 'hooking up' and sleeping around culture, though. I'm no prude, but I don't see what's wrong with dating one person at a time.

LegacyUser

Hi OP here

Look I've no intention of sleeping with this other guy. I would not sleep with two people during the same time. And I do not sleep around.

Esoteric_

I disagree with the people saying it's wrong.

At the end of the day, you and guy #1 haven't said that things are exclusive. You've been on 5 dates and haven't made things official, so what's wrong with going on a date? That's what the dating phase is for, seeing people and deciding who you want to be exclusive with. If you want exclusivity, you discuss it. As yet, you and the first guy haven't had this discussion, so you've done nothing wrong.

That said, I'd talk to guy number 1 before going on the date with number 2, and ask him where things stand.

coco_lola

I don't think anyone is saying that it's wrong, most of the posters here are encouraging the OP to think about whether she wants something exclusive with Guy #1. If she does, then realistically she shouldn't be going on a date with Guy #2.

Secondly, if she is still unsure, then if Guy #2 knows that she is seeing someone, ultimately Guy #1 should know where he stands too.

I don't disagree with dating multiple people, and I certainly don't believe that sleeping with someone warrants exclusivity, but I also believe that people should be upfront and honest when dating.

Amazotheamazing

It's fine. To borrow an American phrase, you aren't "going steady" with the guy no.1. However, it's probably best to ask him what he wants, have the talk etc but no harm in seeing what guy no.2 brings to the table too, imo.

I don't get the rush to judgment here, it's only been a few weeks and neither party has made it "exclusive".

Cullen82

If I were to go on 5 dates with the same girl within just 3 weeks....For me, it would mean I was most certainly, definitely really into this girl. It doesn't happen often at all....

In which case I can tell you I'd personally be pissed off that you went on a date with Guy #2 and would not pursue you anymore.

That's just me, There's no set rules to all of this but why do you need Guy#2 in the equation? why cant you just keep seeing Guy#1 as frantically as you have been and put Guy#2's number on the backburner? Is Guy#1 not interesting enough to take a chance on?

I understand what everyone's telling you here. They're all opinions and I guess they're all right in their own way.

But what I'm trying to tell you in this post is that, In a situation like this maybe this guy #1 would feel the same way as myself and a LOT of other lads out there......

I at least feel a bit sorry for Guy#1 because he is in the dark to all of this so yeah as pointed out before, if you are considering meeting the other guy at least have a chat with the guy whos put in all the effort these past few weeks....chatting everyday eh?? Of course he's gonna be pissed with you!!!

I don't usually post here anymore but just read this and though ffs its hard enough meeting someone you want to see again never mind 5 times in 3 weeks and chat most days....what more do you want?

Don't do it is my advice

Elmidena

If the second guy got your attention, the first guy can't be extremely dear to you. You had fun and sex, no biggie, but I don't think you could be happy with something long-term with the first chap. Hope you have a great time, whatever you choose

ash23

Technically it's not wrong as nothing has been defined.
But truthfully if I were you, I would feel like a cad for going out with Guy2 also.

I think if you are interested in being exclusive with Guy1 then you are playing with fire by also dating Guy2.

I think you should talk to Guy1 about whether he sees it as exlusive or not. If you don't want to be yet, that's ok. It is only early days but this guy has the right to know that you are not exclusive.

It's not the act of dating Guy2 that is wrong, it's the lack of conveying this to Guy1 that I feel is underhand and deceptive.

bodyandsoul

Isthisok? wrote: »

Hi OP here

Look I've no intention of sleeping with this other guy. I would not sleep with two people during the same time. And I do not sleep around.

It's ok Op to date Guy2 once you are not exclusive with Guy1.
But I would tell Guy1 about it. He will appreciate you are being honest. ( it's his business too because he has been dating you for a while) and if he asks you not to date the other guy and be his girlfriend then your choice to be with him or not depends how you feel about him. If he says it's fine you can date other as we are not exclusive then you know where you stand.
Guy1 slept with you, it doesn't mean he wants a serious relationship. Don't put your dating life on hold because of this. You slept with Guy1 but don't expect much until he asks you to be his girlfriend. So yes, talk to him first and take it from there.
Best of luck.

P. Breathnach

Isthisok? wrote: »

... I do not sleep around.

So in your book, sleeping with somebody has some significance. That's a point of view that a lot of people would share.

You are in a sexual relationship with guy #1; we are now to interpret that as being significant. It makes your choice to go out with another man look like a questionable one.

To me, it's very simple: tell guy #1. Let him decide if he wants a relationship with you on those terms. If you don't want to tell him, then you know that you are being duplicitous.

Greenduck

Don't see a massive issue OP but I would maybe question your feelings for guy1 if you want to go on a date with someone else?

After that amount of dates you should probably have a fair idea on whether you like him or not?

As for telling guy1 you might want to see someone else? I dont think I would personally do this. You might make him feel insecure and this could ruin what you have already. I suppose only you really know how much you like guy1 to make these decisions.

P. Breathnach

Greenduck wrote: »

... As for telling guy1 you might want to see someone else? I dont think I would personally do this. You might make him feel insecure and this could ruin what you have already....

The possibility that he might not like it is the very reason why he should be told.

Telling him is unlikely to ruin things; going out with another man might do that.

Carriexx

In my opinion, the dating scene these days - guys dont seem to think we are any way exclusive after 5 dates........maybe I just meet all the wrong guys!!

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Katy89

op, from my point of view you're not really into guy no. 1, otherwise you wouldn't want to date a second guy, the only thing you would want is to see guy no. 1 again...

leaving aside any morality now, would probably make sense to date the other guy.

msg11

Isthisok? wrote: »

Hi OP here

Look I've no intention of sleeping with this other guy. I would not sleep with two people during the same time. And I do not sleep around.

Well if you slept with the first guy three weeks in he might think otherwise. Then again it's really 50/50 in all this. Personally, as a male. If I was the first guy in all this, I would say if you want to go out with him fine, but were finished business as it would just be time wasting. He must not be filling something you need?

If you like the first guy, work on him and make that special, your using a hell of alot of energy trying to invest in two possible relationships, when you could have one excellent one with either of them.

But to sum it up I myself would not be happy at all and upset, I don't get why you would tell him, it's like rubbing it in his face, 'I can get another bloke, you don't mean as much as you thought to me' kinda of attitude.

Best of luck OP.. Hope whichever one works for you, hard enoght to get relationships these days with decent folk !

Sonics2k

No drama or insinuations from me OP, but a simple question.

How would you feel if Guy#1 was doing this?
If you'd be in anyway suspicious or doubtful, maybe bring it up and mention you're heading out to have coffee with a male friend and take it from there.

It may even give him the nudge he needs to ask you out properly, if that's what you want.

Holsten

No, it's not ok.

If he finds out you did this I'd guess he'd be gone.

I know I would.

crazygeryy

Holsten wrote: »

No, it's not ok.

If he finds out you did this I'd guess he'd be gone.

I know I would.

Yea I agree.go out with one guy date him ,shag him ,dump him if thats what you want to do.but doing it twice at the same time your just a slapper.
it's not fair on either guy.
I don't know many women who would tolerate that being done to them.

Please keep replies helpful to OP and do not insult her or there will be infractions/bans

neveah

I often hear people wonder why Irish people don't date more like Americans. This thread is a perfect example why they don't. Irish people think differently to American's and their way of dating just doesn't seem to fit into our culture or way of thinking. In America it's the norm to date a few people until you decide you are serious about a relationship with one specific person.

OP technically you aren't doing anything wrong, as you've said it's only been 3 weeks and you aren't 'exclusive' as they say. However if you are really into guy #1 then you should really bear in mind that if he thinks you are with another guy then it may cause him to back away or lose interest in you. If you're not sure about either of them then go on a date with both and see how you get on.

Fellas, they're like buses eh!

msg11

neveah wrote: »

I often hear people wonder why Irish people don't date more like Americans. This thread is a perfect example why they don't. Irish people think differently to American's and their way of dating just doesn't seem to fit into our culture or way of thinking. In America it's the norm to date a few people until you decide you are serious about a relationship with one specific person.

OP technically you aren't doing anything wrong, as you've said it's only been 3 weeks and you aren't 'exclusive' as they say. However if you are really into guy #1 then you should really bear in mind that if he thinks you are with another guy then it may cause him to back away or lose interest in you. If you're not sure about either of them then go on a date with both and see how you get on.

Fellas, they're like buses eh!

I dunno about the American way of dating people would this included having sex with a bunch of different people or just hanging out dating? I think the difference here is sex is after been added into the mix.

There's nothing wrong with whats shes doing at all. But if your going to see the other guy, I wouldn't mention it too the first guy.

LegacyUser

Go on a date and see what happens. Then make up your mind. It will stop you wondering then later if you get series about the other guy. Its just a date.

Jimbob 83

If you are so easily attracted by guy #2 then obviously you have no interest/are bored with guy #1, which is completely fine so long as you don't string him along and tell him the story.

I don't get people who want to be in a relationship just for the sake of it, smacks of lack of self confidence

neveah

msg11 wrote: »

I dunno about the American way of dating people would this included having sex with a bunch of different people or just hanging out dating? I think the difference here is sex is after been added into the mix.

There's nothing wrong with whats shes doing at all. But if your going to see the other guy, I wouldn't mention it too the first guy.

but she's not having sex with a bunch of different people??

She slept with one guy she has been seeing casually for 3 weeks and now she's contemplating going on a date with a second guy that she hasn't even kissed. I wouldn't be advising her to jump into bed with them all but if she's unsure of her feelings then there's no harm going on a date with both of them until she decides which one she prefers, that's what I think anyway. It's always a risk that one of them might walk away from her, she just has to decide if it's worth it or not. Which I see you agree with anyway but just getting back to my reference about the American dating culture, I'd say a bit of sex gets thrown into the mix there every now and then as well, they hardly all stay celibate during the whole process (which can last for years let me tell you!:D)

LegacyUser

To reiterate.

I would not sleep with two different people at the same time.
I'm looking for advice on this, as its been a while since I dated (I was in a long term relationship for a few years and didn't see anyone for ages after that), not to be called a slapper etc.

Yes I like Guy#1, but I don't want to put all my eggs in one basket, and I feel its too early to ask him "where we are going" and I don't want to scare him away.

Hope that clears up a few things

dellas1979

Well, IMO it is perfectly fine to be dating as many guys as you like-there is no committment from anyone at the moment.

If both want to be exclusive, then you stop (as I guess you would anyways) but for now there is no exclusivity, so there is no basis for an argument or debate.

It both is and both isn't OK. You haven't said how this guy feels towards you/you feel towards this guy. If it's something you genuinely want to pursue, then yes it is wrong - you are leading guy #1 astray while being interested in guy #2. If you're not interested in guy #1 then tell him. Better to do it now than later.

You say you and he haven't had the "talk" yet. Why not initiate it with him rather than waiting for him to do it? If it's something you want to know about, then just do it - don't wait.

Piliger

Jimbob 83 wrote: »

If you are so easily attracted by guy #2 then obviously you have no interest/are bored with guy #1, which is completely fine so long as you don't string him along and tell him the story.

I don't get people who want to be in a relationship just for the sake of it, smacks of lack of self confidence

I agree, it's a sign or serious self esteem issues. It is also a matter of respect for other people who have feelings. Acting in this way without the former guy being informed is an act of total indifference to his feelings. Both parties have a responsibility to have a discussion. It's not some kind of juvenile board game where everything is allowed until someone shouts 'mine!'.

This kind of thing hurts people. It hurts people badly. I have nothing against people having sex and moving on. But have some respect for the person and for yourself. Then you can move on content that you bring your integrity and self respect with you. Absolutely.

dannyc31

this one is were i have to disagree. i think this is one of these unique areas of the dating game were its actually better not to be totally honest with the other person.

like from what you're saying you were in a long term relationship that obviously ended and i'm sure you would be reluctant enough to jump straight back into another one unless you really felt it was gonna go somewhere. but its only been 3 weeks in so how can you know that yet. and to have the talk with guy number 1 would probably just scare him away. he would think you were mad to be having that serious chat 3 weeks in. but just because he happened to be first in the queue so to speak doesnt mean you should feel the pressure to be exclusive to him.

now i dont think you should sleep with two or more guys at the same time and i'm sure you'd find that if you went on the date with the second guy and it was heading that way, you'd have to break it off with guy number 1 as it just wouldnt feel right in your head. absolutely nothing wrong with this in imo. maybe guy number 2 is'nt right for you either but, its your life you owe it to yourself to be fair on yourself.

my advice would be dont tell guy number 1 anything. go on the date with the second guy. if you really hit it off with him and feel that you wanna take it to the next step with him, be fair and honest to guy number 1 and break up with him by giving him the talk you dont want to get into anything serious right now and end it. on the other hand you might actually realise how much you like guy number 1 after you date this second guy, or as i said earlier maybe neither of them are right for you.

ah the joys of the dating game

msg11

neveah wrote: »

but she's not having sex with a bunch of different people??

She slept with one guy she has been seeing casually for 3 weeks and now she's contemplating going on a date with a second guy that she hasn't even kissed. I wouldn't be advising her to jump into bed with them all but if she's unsure of her feelings then there's no harm going on a date with both of them until she decides which one she prefers, that's what I think anyway. It's always a risk that one of them might walk away from her, she just has to decide if it's worth it or not. Which I see you agree with anyway but just getting back to my reference about the American dating culture, I'd say a bit of sex gets thrown into the mix there every now and then as well, they hardly all stay celibate during the whole process (which can last for years let me tell you!:D)

No I was just asking if the Americans do it with sex, you answered that question. Folk can do what they like, date as many people as they feel. But someone is going to get hurt or develop strong feelings and then it might be too late to turn back.

a fat guy

I would look down on casual sex and dating more than one person at the same time...

Personally I would do neither, since it's just not in me.

Actually OP, do you not think that because you had to come here for justification, you've pretty much answered your own question? You know that people will look down on you for doing things like this, and I think that that's what you're really scared of, not whether it is morally right or wrong to date two guys at once.

I must warn you though, either come clean or this WILL turn into a disaster. Even if it doesn't, is the stress really worth an extra date? Honestly, I'd just go with the first guy for a while and if you don't like him, try out the second guy. Just don't date them both at the same time, please...

dellas1979

a fat guy wrote: »

You know that people will look down on you for doing things like this

Like what? Dating 2 people? hahaha - she isnt married to one and seeing the other. She is only getting to know them. Why would you put all your eggs into one basket? Now, there may come a time when she has to make a decision, but at the moment, there is no committment from either. Its supposed to be fun dating, isnt it?

Or are you supposed to date uniformly so that "people" wont look down on you.

Ickle Magoo

Okay OP - you've had 4 pages of advice now and it's clear by the circles the thread is going in that there is no consensus to your question - it depends on the people involved.

All the very best.