Am I overreacting

JoeyW

Hi
I just wanted to get other peoples perspective on this one to see if I'm overreacting a bit.
I'm a new mum and already have a 2 year old. I'm a very private person and don't like people calling to me unannounced when the house is untidy and maybe the kids and I are in or pjs or I'm in the middle of breastfeeding. I like to know someone is calling so I can have myself together, the house and kids clean and maybe have some lunch ready.
I've always been this way and most people appreciate and respect that.
My sister on the other hand, never respects this no matter how often I say it. She rings the doorbell waking one of the kids or me if I'm trying to nap after a sleepless night and she basically drives me nuts!
So, she's always had a spare key belonging to my house for emergencys and the last two visits she's not only calling unexpectedly, she's letting herself in too and I find it a total invasion if my privacy, I lock my door for a reason.
I haven't broached it with her because this is how she is in her house, open door policy, no one ever needs an invite etc. that's her way and that's fine but it's so not my way!
Should I just bite my tongue or leave a key in the door so she can't get in (then we're back to the doorbell ringing) .
I think myself I'm probably being a bit anal which is why I'd like other peoples opinions.
What I'd really like is for her just to ring ahead & let me know she's arriving so that if the kids are napping I can leave the door unlocked so she doesn't ring the bell. I've said this to her before but she says I never answer the phone but I only don't answer the phone when I'm sleeping and I've said this to her but she still refuses to do it.
Sorry for the long rant, I guess if that's all I have to worry about in life I'll do well

MJ23

You have to tell her. Or else it'll drive you mad and get worse.
My brother said it to me, he just said, "will you text or ring about half an hour before you call up". I didn't mind at all. I always call around the same time every week anyway. I didn't have a key, like your sister. Or if i ever did call up unannounced id knock the window rather than ring the bell as to not disturb the child if she was asleep.
Sit her down and tell her straight, it won't cause a row. Would she sit you down and tell you if it was the other way around? If you don't do it, you'll be always at home wondering when she'll turn up. As you say, you'll have to have the place tidy and be dressed. And you won't be comfortable in your own home.
Nip it in the bud, she'll respect you for it.
Best of luck with it.

meganj

I never call up to anyone unannounced. It's one of my biggest pet peeves OP so you're not alone.

I think you should just say it to her tbh OP. So she has an open door policy in her house, that's fine if it works for her. I would not be letting her away with using a key you gave her for emergencies to let herself into your house to have a chat.

Personally if it was me I'd take the key off her and teach her about boundaries, but she's not my sister so I understand if you don't want to.

Ickle Magoo

Hey OP,

At the moment your sister is assuming you and your house share the boundaries she has in her house - so you need to sit her down and politely but firmly point out you have different boundaries and point out what they are with the expectation she respect them. As it wouldn't be an issue for her, she may not even realise how much of an issue it is to you and as your sister, I'd hope she would be fairly horrified to be adding to your work-load/stresses as a new mum.

If she has an issue with that then ask for your key back and when you want some quiet time, disconnect the door-bell and phone - she'll soon get the hint.

All the best.

MistyCheese

Joey, this would drive me very crazy, very quickly. I definately think you should say something, otherwise she may walk in someday when you are really stressed over something and you might let her have it with both barrells!

It's fine that she has an open-door policy but she has to respect the fact that not everyone does. I don't. But my parents do and it does my head in people letting themselves in and plopping themselves down. Obviously I don't say anything because it's not my house. But this is your house and you can have a word with your sister without it having to be a big drama, as long as she doesn't continue to ignore your requests.

Could you ask your mum or dad to have a word on your behalf? Maybe if your sister hears it from someone else as well she will realise that you are serious. She may well think "Oh, but I don't care if the house is a bit messy" and be completely missing the point. A lot of the time if something doesn't bother someone they actually don't believe it really could bother someone else.

Good luck and congratulations on your new baby.

JoeyW

Thanks very much guys, I'm glad I'm not alone with this one. I'll have to say it to her or I'll end up snapping like one poster said and that will be horrible all round

LegacyUser

I'd be different as I love unexpected calls from friends and family.

I can see though how it would be annoying for people though.

The key thing though isn't on...

Jane Eyre

different strokes for wrote: »

I'd be different as I love unexpected calls from friends and family.

I can see though how it would be annoying for people though.

The key thing though isn't on...

Yes the key thing is real passive aggressive. TELL her. She'll understand but remember you will then have to treat her with the same courtesy and call/ring before you visit her. It won't work if it doesn't work both ways. Good luck.

The Lovely Muffin

Someone calling in or letting themselves in unexpectedly would drive me crazy.

Don't get me wrong, I do like having visitors, but much prefer to know before hand they are calling in.

If I gave someone a key for emergencies and emergencies only, I would be furious they'd use it to let themselves in whenever they wanted.

You need to speak to her ASAP and tell her that she needs to let you know before hand if she is calling over to you. And I'd be taking the key off her too.

Personally I think she is being very inconsiderate just letting herself in when it suits her and arriving unannounced.

Congratulations on your new baby.

ihsb

I don't think you can change her from calling around. Put a chain on the door, next time she tries to let herself in the door won't open and she will be embarrassed. Hopefully she will learn her lesson soon enough.

LegacyUser

I agree with your post. I feel same. It's usually just the old generation that do that, whereby they turn up unannounced/uninvited which I find so rude. However, this is your sister. Do you really care if you're in your pj's or your house is dirty or your kids dirty? I know I wouldn't. But if it was a friend or anyone else I would.
Obviously we are different people and each to their own. But I just thought you should be comfortable with your sister and not care??? I'm not close to my sister yet I wouldn't care.

I am a friend

My family all live close to each other and there is an open(ish) door policy in that you would knock to announce yourself and wait for the call to come in before you enter but there is no phoning beforehand to announce yourself.

I like the same approach but my OH is used to locked doors etc and it freaks him out a bit when people just arrive.

I think you should mention it to her and use the kids / lack of sleep as an excuse. Ask her to text / call you on the mobile if she wants to come down and tell her if you want her down then you will respond. Its easy then for you to put your phone on silent or ignore a text. Because I prefer open door it does sound like an over reaction to me but different strokes etc.

Do talk to her before you express your wishes in a frustrated manner...

JoeyW

I guess the biggest problem I have with her calling unannounced is the fact that it's usually when I'm trying to grab some much needed sleep. My baby still wakes 2 or 3 times a night so I try and grab a nap during the day which isn't always possible with two of them.
The thing is, I used to ignore the bell when she'd call and I'd say it to her afterwards that she should just ring ahead and if I don't answer then she'll know the phone is on silent because I'm sleeping and she'd be saving herself a wasted journey.
And I'm always moaning to her about other people ringing the bell when I'm trying to sleep, like cold callers (the bell is connected to the mains so I can't disconnect it) and she sympathises with me but it's like she thinks all this doesn't apply to her!!
I don't want her letting herself in when I'm sleeping on the couch because if she woke me I would end up really losing the plot and snapping at her

I am a friend

How about a door chain? She will get the hint then

JoeyW

I can just put a key in the door and she won't be able to use hers then, have it done today

Daisy M

Our house and most of my friends and family work pretty much on an open door policy but we would never just let ourselves into someones house we always knock and wait. I love (most) callers but there are certain ones that I prefer to know in advance are coming.

I think the important thing here is that even if your sister has an open house you need to maintain the boundaries with her that you set in place for your home. There is no point in you saying I want a call before you visit if you dont give her the same due, she may not expect this from visitors but if it is one of your own rules then you need to be consistant.

Personally I dont think you should use the babies as an excuse I think you should be honest and say "I prefer to make arrangements in advance as I like to know what the days plans are." I think you need to be tactful but honest. I have to say though I would never be able to give someone the key of my home on a long term basis, if we are going away I leave one with someone or hidden but I couldnt handle someone having the key of my house.