How to get him back!

LegacyUser

Hi so here is my story
okay so I was going out with my ex for 4.5 years and living together for a year.. at the end of our relationship which was just a month and a bit ago I felt that it wasnt working out, we didnt do anything like go on dates etc.. So we decided we should break up more me than him and looking back right now i should have sorted it out with him and never left.. So I moved out about 4 weeks ago now,,
During this time I was trying to move on and it was really hard went on a couple of dates totally regret now. started a new hobby etc . did not feel right etc.. during this time he started GOING OUT with somebody.. and this is what happened..
about 2 weeks ago he came up to give back the deposit, we went for a walk, ice-cream (I didnt know he was with someone this time) and I wanted him back.. We than started to watch telly and started to get comfy he asked me was i seeing anyone and i said no i asked him and he said he was.. I burst into tears didnt think that he would do that.. we kissed and than he spent the night, we went away the next day and had a great time he spent the night again.. i had to work the next day but that evening he came up again on his own accord and again we slept together!!
So he had to make a decision on who he wanted to be with so I witheld sex until he made it all this time she was on holidays.. he said he wanted to be with me and broke it off with his new girl at the weekend .. i was sooo happy that we were together again..
so yesterday he called up to basically say he met her the day before and now is changing his mind.. I cannot stop crying I have not slept at all and I knew something like this was going to happen.. it is my own fault for leaving him go in the first place. but it is obvious he just doesnt know what he wants.
I love him soo much. I want him back.. he is the love of my life . I am 20 and he is 24.. so were both young but I need him sooo much.. Please help!!

Lorna123

This is so unfortunate but I think it shows that his feelings for you are not dead yet. He is confident that he can get you back now so he is off trying something new. He probably thinks if this doesn't work out he will get you back again. Now what I would do is keep my distance. Don't contact him anymore. Don't ring him or text him telling him you want him back, he already knows this and chasing after him will do nothing except make him more sure that he can get you back anytime.

The only chance you have of getting him back at this stage is to give him time to get tired of this new woman, and then he might realize what he had in you. That is your only chance. If you contact him letting him know how much you want him back you will be doing yourself no favours. He knows what it is like to be with you so if he wants to go back to you he knows what he has to do.

Your best bet is to stay away from him and go out and mix around yourself. Don't bank on him coming back to you as there are no guarantees but there is always a chance if you steer clear of him. Whatever you do don't let him call around to you anymore unless he is completely finished with this woman and that could take a few months.
That is what I would do. You are still in there with a chance if you play your cards right.

_dublinlad_

There is nothing you can do. The ball is in his court, he knows where you are if he wants you.

One thing I would suggest is to stop seeing/contacting him until he breaks it off with the other girl (if that happens). He needs to make a final decision, with you leting him have some of your affection aswell he is having his cake and eating it to.

Neyite

You are not going to like this, but I'll be blunt - He used you. Like Sunflower says, you were a diversion while his girlfriend was out of town.

One of the ways you will not get him back is by making yourself available for him to have a bit on the side. He has already cheated on her once with you, it will be easier for him to cheat the next time. Dont be that girl.

While we are on that subject, do you really want a man who can have it off behind his girlfriends back? If you did get him back, would you not worry that he would cheat on you with his ex? I know I would because he has shown form now.

Dont be a doormat for him. Do exactly what he is doing and move on. He may or may not see what he is missing if you are not sleeping with him and going on dates with other men. If he does and comes back (and assuming you still want him), great. If not, you will have begun the healing process and not handed him your self-respect on a plate.

Herrick

Well one thing I would definitely be thinking about if I were you OP is the fact he was able to cheat on his new gf.

How could you trust him not to do it to you? If he hasn't already. He's shown his true colors there. No matter how long you were together or how much he may claim he loves you more than her, etc. There is no excuse for it.

SineadMarie

I feel bad for you but worse for his new gf like the last poster said he was able to cheat on her so easily with you! This guy cant be trusted if you ask me and maybe you had a lucky escape, i would move on and try get over him before he hurts you again.

Dark Phoenix

Op do you know for sure that he ever really tried to break it off with this girl? Seems a bit strange if he did and she was grand with him sleeping with you when she was away and is now back in a relationship. I;d suspect its more like he had fun with you when she was away, promised you all sorts and now is back with her because she is home.

Sounds like maybe he wanted to prove to himself he could get you back if he wanted especially as you broke up with him.

LegacyUser

Ok I am going to get probably some criticism for this but its just based on my own experience.

First dont mind anyone who says he was using you while his girl friend was away not true, he has strong feelings towards you only obvious with a long history together.

You have the advantage as you have a lot of history with him, keep in touch but aloof, reminiss with him about things you did and try to push his emotional buttons like bringing up a pet name you had for each other, or talking about things you did together. Overall you need to admit your mistakes (even if you feel like you've done nothing wrong). Is this the healthiest way to do this no - will you get him back with this - probably.

I just want to point out that even though this seems like the end of your world, it really isn't. there is a lot still ahead girl, college or work, trips new friends. I always trust in fate - if its meant to be it will be.

hugs x x

gypsy_rose

Whether it is actually possible to get him back or not, do you really want such a dishonest boyfriend? One that cheats on his current gf while she's away with you and then drops you as soon as she gets home? As hard as it is, this doesn't sound like true love to me, I think you can do better, love.

nowyouresix

OP: It seems that all you can see is the element of " I want him back"..... only if you get him back you won't be able to trust him, you'll be constantly worrying about when he's going to leave you next, you'll more than likely feel like you're walking on eggshells around him, afraid if you do/say something he then doesn't like that he'll break up with you........ and all this will lead to resentment.

He is gone. Your relationship has run it's course.

You're 20, and have had a really valuable life lesson.

Grieve it, and move on.

Best of luck xx

@rti-shm@rti

God - alot of people are very much on the 'why would you want him back - he cheated on his girlfriend' and 'he used you' buzz.

I wouldn't think this is necessarily true. Firstly you were going out for 4.5 years and it's only a month since you split. He obviously has very strong feelings for you and being with you probably brought all those feelings back.

Also how many threads are there on here with people who've been dating for a few MONTHS and they are wondering if they should have the exclusivity talk? Like I don't know how 'serious' this new relationship is but realistically they haven't been going out long at all. Personally after that little time I know I'd be hurt if someone did kiss someone else but it's early days and he probably wasn't committed to her yet.

Now the only thing I would say is that this could go either way, being with you again will either make him decide he wants you back or he wants to pursue this other girl or just be single. You need to let him make his own decision though. Give him space to decide and don't plague him with calls or texts etc.

Chin up, it willl get better

LegacyUser

hii guys! So an update to the story.. Were back together!! As most of ye said there will be a trust issue and there is but on both sides. But i think what happened was a great thing as were doing boyfriend@girlfriend things again and we both want this to work and there is alot of worrk to do., and thank u for your comments cos they just made me stronger when i read them xxxxx

Ickle Magoo

OK OP,

As you no longer require advice on this, I'll lock the thread.

Best of luck :cool: