Parents control my social life

LegacyUser

I'm a girl in my early twenties. I live at home with my parents because I am a single mum of a toddler. My social life has been basically non exsistant since I was 18 because I was in an extremely abusive relationship and lost all of my friends because of it. I was completely isolated. This boyfriend is now not in my life or our daughters life anymore and never will be again.
In the last few months I have started to improve on my confidence and self esteem which is great. Now for the problem.... my parents hate me being out of their sight.
I go out on a Saturday night with my sister when my child is in bed (in bed most of the time anyway), and this has lead me to start making lots of new friends and I have even found a really nice fella, which is great. All of this has been making me very happy. My parents are never happy when I go out. I'm responsible and try not to stay out for too long, but they are never happy.
I rarely get to see my one friend I have had for years because she she lives in a different town and my parents complain if I stay over because I'll be gone too long. I can't invite friends to our house because my parents hate visitors. If I go out with my daughter, they ring contantly to check up on me. If I go out on a date thay bitch at me when I get home for being out too late. (never after 12).
If they don't like who I plan on meeting they won't babysit to stop me seeing them
I basically spend my whole life in the house on my own because of this. I can count on one hand the amount of hours I get out for every week.
When I'm out I can't relax because I know my parents are going to be in a bad mood with me when I return.
This whole situation is really getting me down. Just when I finally have the oppertunity to be happy and have a small bit of a social life, my parents take it away from me. If I try to talk to them about it, they get annoyed.
I don't know what to do except give up and live a lonely life without any friends.

Beruthiel

Don'tGetOutMuch wrote: »

I'm a girl in my early twenties. I live at home with my parents because I am a single mum of a toddler.

Do you work?
Move out and stop living with your parents.
Many single mothers live on their own and you will not gain any kind of real independence until you start taking care of you and your childs life without the aid of your parents.
Until you do that, your parents will continue to treat you as a child.
After all, their house, their rules.
So, leave.

LegacyUser

I can't work as I can't afford child care, and believe me I would do anything to work. I'd be extremely lucky to get a min wage job but I literally couldn't afford to pay for childcare, rent, food, utillity bills etc. on that kind of money. I saved every penny I had for ages until I had enough for a deposit to rent a place but then I had an unexpected medical bill to pay so the money had to go on that. It could take me over a year to piece together that money again. I feel so defeated.

Danniboo

Beruthiel wrote: »

Do you work?
Move out and stop living with your parents.
Many single mothers live on their own and you will not gain any kind of real independence until you start taking care of you and your childs life without the aid of your parents.
Until you do that, your parents will continue to treat you as a child.
After all, their house, their rules.
So, leave.

+1

You shouldn't be going out every weekend if you aren't working really, I can see how your parents would be peeved by this. You are giving out because you can't go out and meet new friends, meet fellas etc, you are mother that should be your priority, if there was no sacrifices involved with having children everyone would be doing it. I'm not saying your not a good mother and I don't doubt your with your child the whole time, but you shouldn't be sulking about having to stay home with your child.

What i'm getting at is you seem to be viewing this as "My parents won't let me go out and meet my friends, go to the pub meet boys etc", when you should be really seeing at as "I'm a mother, I have to mind my child and can't expect my parents to mind him/her every weekend" If you were living on your own and supporting yourself you could ask your parents occasionally or you may have to pay a babysitter OP, but until you stand on your own two feet they will never treat you as an adult.

LegacyUser

Danniboo wrote: »

+1

You shouldn't be going out every weekend if you aren't working really, I can see how your parents would be peeved by this. You are giving out because you can't go out and meet new friends, meet fellas etc, you are mother that should be your priority, if there was no sacrifices involved with having children everyone would be doing it. I'm not saying your not a good mother and I don't doubt your with your child the whole time, but you shouldn't be sulking about having to stay home with your child.

What i'm getting at is you seem to be viewing this as "My parents won't let me go out and meet my friends, go to the pub meet boys etc", when you should be really seeing at as "I'm a mother, I have to mind my child and can't expect my parents to mind him/her every weekend" If you were living on your own and supporting yourself you could ask your parents occasionally or you may have to pay a babysitter OP, but until you stand on your own two feet they will never treat you as an adult.

I don't drink, so I'm not spending money on that. I don't go out to find fellas either, I'm not like that. I'm not going wild partying or anything. I am with my child 24/7 and I take excellent care of her actually. She is my first priority. You know, it's hard to be a good parent when you are so unhappy. I don't think few hours out of the house every week a week is a lot to ask for. I NEED it so my sanity. Sometimes I feel so lonely I start feeling that life is pointless. It's not that easy you know.

Danniboo

Don'tGetOutMuch wrote: »

I can't work as I can't afford child care, and believe me I would do anything to work. I'd be extremely lucky to get a min wage job but I literally couldn't afford to pay for childcare, rent, food, utillity bills etc. on that kind of money. I saved every penny I had for ages until I had enough for a deposit to rent a place but then I had an unexpected medical bill to pay so the money had to go on that. It could take me over a year to piece together that money again. I feel so defeated.

Your a single mother on benefits, surely you're entitled to rent allowance? Maybe you could get a job and come to some arrangements with a family member to give you a dig out with babysitting. You say you can't afford X, Y or Z but yet you talk about going out Saturday nights??? Start sitting in and saving that money. Sorry to be harsh OP, but you seem to be making a lot of excuses.

P. Breathnach

I imagine that your parents' wish to control your life has its origins in their thinking that you messed things up big-time in the past, and a fear that you might get things wrong again.

They have a lot of leverage because you are dependent on them.

If you want them to support you more in having a social life, you need to convince them that you can be trusted to make better decisions. Telling them what you resent about their behaviour to you is unlikely to help: they are treating you like an adolescent, and you could end up responding like an adolescent.

You should have a constructive discussions with them about where you are going with your life. That should include (but not be solely about) your having time and opportunity for friendships including boyfriends (one at a time, please!).

I can hear you saying "You don't know them. That won't work.". Well, I think it might, but you and I can probably agree on one thing: it's not a quick fix. I did say discussions - plural. You are going to have to keep plugging away at it, and try not to let resentment or irritation get in the way.

Why don't you just leave a note saying you're out with daughter can be found at such a place, and turn off the phone? You don't have to be answering it all the time
go out and meet friends and bring her, there's plenty you could do then that doesn't require babysitting or too much money

I think you need to sit down and discuss it with them though

The Lovely Muffin

It's not quite as easy as 'moving out', even if the OP is working, how do you/we know they can afford rent, bills, food, transportation (depending on where the live etc?), and childcare for when they are at work? It's easy to tell someone to move out, but often finances don't allow for it.

The parents are going way, way over the top, trying to stop you going out etc, they should be ashamed of themselves and their behaviour.

Fair play to you for trying your best with your daughter etc.

OP if you don't work, would it be possible for you to go back to college or do a training course, maybe one where there is creche attached to the college where your daughter could go during the day?

Could you speak to your local community welfare officer and see about getting rent allowance (if you aren't working?).

http://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/social_welfare/social_welfare_payments/supplementary_welfare_schemes/rent_supplement.html

I don't know if it is any use to you OP, but Pearse College in Dublin have a creche attached to the college and I think it is free for children of students of the college to attend the creche while their parent is in college.

http://www.pearsecollege.ie/

Obviously I don't know if Pearse is anywhere near you, but it might be something to look into to see if there are any other colleges with creche's attached to them that you could attend and while gaining further education your daughter would be looked after, you get to make friends.

Also, you could be entitled to BTEA (back to education allowance) which is €188 a week and if you have kids you get extra, I think it is €250 if you have a child. You also get a €500 euro grant towards any books/materials etc.

http://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/social_welfare/social_welfare_payments/back_to_education/back_to_education_allowance.html

http://www.welfare.ie/en/publications/sw70/pages/abacktoeducationallowancebtea.aspx

I know when I was on the BTEA I was able to move out and pay €90 a week rent (my rent included all my bills though), all I had to buy after that was food and bus tickets.

I know someone else who was a single mum with a toddler, who used to get money towards her bills and food every week, maybe if you were in college you might help towards food/bills if you were struggling with them.

Daisy M

While you are under your parents roof you will only ever get the freedom they allow you to have. It is their house and they can call the shots, they are entitled to refuse to babysit and there is nothing you can do about this unfortunaltly.

Do you not as a single non working parent have a medical card, if not apply for one at least that way you wont have to worry about large medical bills. Have you your name down for council housing? Social welfare officers can help with deposits for renting houses if it is deemed necessary. There are lots of single parents renting their own houses and managing fine on welfare I do not understand why this is not an option for you.

What about your childs father even if he is not interested in a relationship with her you can apply for maintainance for your daughter.

LegacyUser

Daisy M wrote: »

While you are under your parents roof you will only ever get the freedom they allow you to have. It is their house and they can call the shots, they are entitled to refuse to babysit and there is nothing you can do about this unfortunaltly.

Do you not as a single non working parent have a medical card, if not apply for one at least that way you wont have to worry about large medical bills. Have you your name down for council housing? Social welfare officers can help with deposits for renting houses if it is deemed necessary. There are lots of single parents renting their own houses and managing fine on welfare I do not understand why this is not an option for you.

What about your childs father even if he is not interested in a relationship with her you can apply for maintainance for your daughter.

The father is dead. I can't get rent allowance. Because I'm living with my family I'm not "in need of housing". IT was actually a dental bill which is not covered by a medical card.

It makes me sad when I hear people say that it's selfish for single mums to have a social life and it makes them bad mothers. We are people too!

I've been through so much in my life that I just need a break to be allowed to be happy. I can't see anyway out of my situation unfortunatly.

edellc

OP are you claiming lone parents? and if not why not, also get your name on the housing list yes it can take years but your better off having it on it than not

as for rent allowance you may or may not be entitled to it, it is assessed on your housing needs as per the housing list above and/or depending on where you are, you may need to be renting privately for 6 out of 12 mths, but whos to say you parents havent kicked you out

also the cwo can help you with a deposit (once) again under certain circumstances - like your homeless as parents kicked you out :eek:

As for bill etc, if your getting rent allowance or living in a social house and getting lone parents then there is no reason why you cant afford to live on your own tbh plenty of people do it and survive, however you wont have a babysitter on tap, but if you live in a town then they have community childcare programmes google them and if your on welfare you can avail of them at a very small price so you may be able to seek part time day time work also

Yes you should be allowed to have a few hours off a week to keep sane, most parents get this in some form, but if it is such an issue then why not ask your friends and BF to meet you during the day on the weekend and do something with your child, you do not need to answer the phone to you parents to constantly explain where you or your child are either

best of luck with it op

Peace and love x

OP your parents are always going to treat you like a child as long as you live under their roof thats just how it goes and they will stick their nose into how you raise your child also again just how it goes

Danniboo

edellc wrote: »

OP are you claiming lone parents? and if not why t above and/or depending on where you are, you may need to be renting privately for 6 out of 12 mths, but whos to say you parents havent kicked you out

also the cwo can help you with a deposit (once) again under certain circumstances - like your homeless as parents kicked you out :eek:

As for bill etc, if your getting rent allowance or living in a social house and getting lone parents then there is no reason why you cant afford to live on your own tbh plenty of people do it and survive, however you wont have a babysitter on tap, but if you live in a town then they have community childcare programmes google them and if your on welfare you can avail of them at a very small price so you may be able to seek part time day time work also


Yes you should be allowed to have a few hours off a week to keep sane, most parents get this in some form, but if it is such an issue then why not ask your friends and BF to meet you during the day on the weekend and do something with your child, you do not need to answer the phone to you parents to constantly explain where you or your child are either

best of luck with it op

Peace and love x

OP your parents are always going to treat you like a child as long as you live under their roof thats just how it goes and they will stick their nose into how you raise your child also again just how it goes

Morally I have to say I think that is a pretty low way of screwing the system. You could be preventing a mother and child that REALLY need the accommodation getting a house.

edellc

oh come on they dont give social housing our willy nilly, you actually have to be on it years and years, if she is in need of social housing they put her in a b&b and help her get private accommodation until they can get her social housing which takes years and years as I said

I dont think the OP should leave home she has a safe stable environment for her child and that should be her first priority not having a night out, but yes we are all entitled to a couple of hour off and parents behaving like hitler dont help

if she really wants to move out then she would find a way

I am not advocating having low morals but maybe if the OP sees how much she would have to lie and what the accommodation is like if she does take up the option then maybe just maybe she will see how well she and her daughter has it

she should still put her name on the housing list though

pickarooney

For them not to want to babysit is one thing but it's ridiculous for them to then go hassling you when you're out with your child. I'd second the suggestion above that you don't let them get to you by simply turning off your phone or leaving it behind when you when you take your daughter out.

I think it might be a good idea to try find other babysitters so you're not completely at their mercy as regards your social life. If you go out half as often you could put what you don't spend towards babysitting costs although obviously given the situation you would need to find someone who will take her at their home.

ibarelycare

I agree with what others said about going out with your daughter and turning your phone off after sending them a text or giving them a call to say where you're going.

However when you're going out without your daughter then who's looking after her? Presumably your parents? If this is the case then I can see why they have a problem with you going out. It's nice for family to help out with kids in the family but they're not obliged to do it, you're the one who chose to bring a child into this world and she's your responsibility.

LegacyUser

If I ask my older sister to look after my daughter while I'm out she agrees and then my mom takes over anyway!
Shes bossy about what I do with my daughter as well. What I don't get, is when I'm home she will insist on taking my little one out for walks or bring her shopping with her etc. and asways wants to play with her so it's not like she doesn't want to mind her at all.

My parents are bitchy about my little sister who has no kids, going out and meeting friends as well!

If I went out with my daughter and turned off my phone there would probably be war when I got home.

They don't mind me helping out around the house and going doing the shopping etc. so it would be nice if I got a favour in return.

It's not just out for a night out I'm talking about. It would be the same for going to the cinema or something as well. My mom always thinks I'm hiding something from her. She was really unhappy when I went out for dinner with a guy, even though I've known him years and he's the niceest fella you could imagine. I'm not even going to try to start a realtionship with him because it's impossible.

When she agrees for me to go out she gets in a mood with me about it and however early I'm home, it's never early enough!

I mentioned moving out a few times and they assured me it would be a bad idea and I would never be able to manage on my own.

I've nearly given up on trying to achieve happiness to stop an argument at home.

There might be war the first couple of times because they are not used to it. Once you keep on doing it and stop trying to pander to them, they will have to get used to it, and there won't be anymore.
It will help immensely of course if you actually sit down and discuss this with them first.

You don't need their permission to move out, and with such a controlling mother, it's no surprise she'll insist you won't manage on your own, just so she can keep an eye on you forever...

edellc

of course you would manage if you moved out, my hitler father did that to me and although I didnt have a child I did have a partner and still needed to be home by 11.30 at night on the weekends, I did move out and guess what I survived and am still surviving 12years later

You need to stand up to them, yes you are staying there but you are an adult and mother and it is you who is responsible for your child and maybe they need to be told this....nicely no need to start a war

parents are never going to be happy and they probably are so controlling as you where in a violent relationship and got pregnant and im sure that they didnt want that for their little girl, but it is what is is and you and they would never wish your daughter wasnt here and they are probably worried that the same will happen again so you need to reassure them how much a reality check your daughter is to you and tell them of your dreams and what out of life, if you talk to them especially your mother as an adult then she might (dont hold your breath) but might see where you are coming from

if all else fails, smile and nod and say yes in all the right places and then just go about your business

alibaba12

Hi op,

A friend of mine was in the exact same situation. She was a single mother, living at home. Her parents gave her hell everytime she went outm, with or without her child. My friend worked full time and also was given all of the household chores to do even though there were 4 other adult children living there and her mother was a stay at home parent! In her mothers eyes it was her right to monitor her and to give her all this extra work to do as she was letting my friend live there. Her mother more or less took over the responsibility of the child and every time my friend went against it there was hell to pay. Her only option in the end was to move out but it did take years.

I do agree that its your folks house and their rules apply but within reason. You really need to sit your folks down and explain their behaviour and how it is making you feel. Every parent deserves a few free hours a week for their sanity and also your over 18 you folks dont have the right to "stalk" you when out. You need to agree ground rules with them for living @ home as things have changed your an adult now and not a child so really the rules have change. Regarding your child tell your folks that its your child & you will raise her how you see fit. Obviously their input as far as advice is concerned is welcome but in reality whether you take that advice or not is up to. Your parents dont have the right to take over the raising of your child.

Yes, it most probably will cause arguments in the beginning but it will calm down. Please dont just put up with things for the sake of quiet life as you will be the one suffering.

Daisy M

Don'tGetOutMuch wrote: »

The father is dead. I can't get rent allowance. Because I'm living with my family I'm not "in need of housing". IT was actually a dental bill which is not covered by a medical card.

It makes me sad when I hear people say that it's selfish for single mums to have a social life and it makes them bad mothers. We are people too!

I've been through so much in my life that I just need a break to be allowed to be happy. I can't see anyway out of my situation unfortunatly.

I never implied I think its selfish for any mums single or married to have a social life. What I meant was that while you are living in your parents house you are more or less at the mercy of how they decide to treat you.

This situation does not sound like a healthy one to live in and if I were you I would find any way out that I could. Ask your gp if he/she will write you a letter supporting your claim for rent allowance and to go on housing.

Can you not work part time and still claim your single parents allowance? I know a lot of your wages would go in childcare but you would at least be getting out and meeting people and your parents would have less control on you.

LegacyUser

OP,
Sorry if I get any of this wrong but this is what I gather from your post:

You're a young single mom.
Live at home.
Don't work.
Presumably your parents are supporting you and their grandchild.
You still want to "go out" despite not having a job so who pays for it? Them?
The child obviously needs caring if your away and they are assuming responsibility.
They pay for you and the child?

To be honest, I can't blame them in this situation. It seems like since your at home and not working they are still acting as parents to both you and their grandchild and feel responsible and for that reason feel they need to be in control of the situation, financially and responsibility wise. Yeah they are coming off a bit controlling and to you that's going to be a pain but maybe they feel that is needed.

TBH I think the only answer is to get a job and move out. I know you said that not an option since you'd have to pay for childcare and then couldn't go out but come on, that's the situation you're in. Go out, get a job and when your eventually making enough you can have all the social life you want.

Saying that working doesn't work for you because you'd have to spend the money on childcare is just ridiculous IMO. Everyone needs to do what it takes to take care of themselves (and their children) and if that's what it takes you need to grow up. If you had to work 2 jobs to earn enough to live comfortably wouldn't that be better than staying at home 24/7 and sponging? No? Thought not.

Until then sounds like your relying on your parents and if they are footing the bill and responsibilities I can see why they want control over the situation. Maybe it's their way of pushing your towards getting out on your own.

I don't really think it's all their fault. You can stay with them and abide by their rules or you can take some responsibility and go out on your own as an adult as most single parents have to do.

Sorry if that's harsh but it's the reality. Sounds like you want it both ways.

Also, before it's said... I know single parents are allowed a life too, of course, but everyone has priorities. I don't have kids but sometimes I have to sacrifice nights out and other things due to other financial and work commitments and other things, everyone is in the same boat with responsibilities. If a single parent, like anyone, can take care of all responsibilities and still have enough left to be able to enjoy a night with friends then of course they are entitled to it, but nobody is entitled to it when other priorities are not taken care of first IMO.

eviltwin

Hi OP, I know where you are coming from. I had my first child very young and didn't go out very much and I was terrified of being left behind. I was lucky I had a partner though and we always made sure each other got to go out once a month or so.

Have you thought about meeting other young mums so you can go out with your child? A lot of the parenting website have meet up facilities for parents during the day.

I do think the suggestions about getting your own place are worth taking on board otherwise your parents control may extend to your daughter and they might take over.

looksee

One of the advantages of being a grandparent is that you send the grandchildren home in the evening. Except yours can't, because the child is living in the house, and you are too. They constantly have all the clutter and washing and general disorder that goes with a small child in the house. They have done that stage in their lives and are moving into a phase where a bit more order and peace would be preferred.

Of course they are concerned about your younger sister - her older sister insisted on getting into an abusive relationship and getting pregnant in the process. You proved to them that somewhere along the line they went wrong in their parenting skills.

I've been through so much in my life that I just need a break to be allowed to be happy. I can't see anyway out of my situation unfortunatly.

You will get a break when your child is old enough to go to playschool and you can get a job. Even if you were married you would find yourself stuck at home with not a lot of opportunity for night life. You are being very sorry for yourself - you made your choice, you can now see it wasn't a very good choice, but its the one you are stuck with.

They don't mind me helping out around the house and going doing the shopping etc. so it would be nice if I got a favour in return.

You do have a favour in return, you have a place to live, food on the table and someone to help rear your child. You would not be 'helping out around the house' if you had your own place, you would have it all to do.

It's not just out for a night out I'm talking about. It would be the same for going to the cinema or something as well

Going to the cinema is a night out - what are you looking for? Meet a friend for coffee, take your child with you, its as much of a social life as many young mothers get.

Stop feeling so sorry for yourself, it is not good for your child and makes you even more of a misery for your parents to live with. Be grateful for what you have, you have a healthy child, a roof over your head, and facilities you might not have in a small flat. There are loads of good suggestions here of courses you can do, with childcare included.

Show yourself to be responsible and independent and grateful to your parents, and get on with the life you have created for yourself.

mr_edge_to_you

I am happily married and became a father for the first time over 3 months ago. In those 3 months my wife and I have had 4 hours max to ourselves. One trip to the cinema (in and out) and we went to Tescos one Sunday afternoon without out daughter. So if you're going out at least once a week you're doing very well. To be honest I can see why your parents would be annoyed. It is a massive change to having a baby back in the house full-time, a massive invasion of their space.

If your mother brings your baby out for a few hours during the day that's great. But you expecting her to mind your child is different. It's a completely different dynamic.

Like someone else said, a trip to the cinema is a night out.

Single parent or not, when you become a parent you have a whole other level of responsibility. You can no longer do as you want.

You've made mistakes in the past and your parents are picking up the pieces as you're their daughter and thats what parents do, but personally I think you're abusing your parents generosity.

LegacyUser

It wouldn't be an invasion on their peace and privacy if they let me raise my own child. They also don't want me to move out and have a fit when I suggest it. I really can't win!

They also don't like me going out WITH my daughter.

Also to the poster who implied that being in an abusive relationship and getting pregnant was all my fault, you have obviously never experienced what it is like to live though a situation like that. It has been very very tough to recover from it all as much as I have.

LegacyUser

To be honest, if your parents are minding the child when you're out, they have a right to be able to keep tabs on you, it's your child, not theirs and they're doing you a favour by looking after it. If you're under their roof and dependent on them, their rules, particularly if you expect them to mind your baby as well! Frustrating, but that's the harsh truth!

eviltwin

Don'tGetOutMuch wrote: »

It wouldn't be an invasion on their peace and privacy if they let me raise my own child. They also don't want me to move out and have a fit when I suggest it. I really can't win!

They also don't like me going out WITH my daughter.

Also to the poster who implied that being in an abusive relationship and getting pregnant was all my fault, you have obviously never experienced what it is like to live though a situation like that. It has been very very tough to recover from it all as much as I have.

Well that is totally OTT. Have they ever told you why?

LegacyUser

beentherebefore wrote: »

OP,
Sorry if I get any of this wrong but this is what I gather from your post:

You're a young single mom.
Live at home.
Don't work.
Presumably your parents are supporting you and their grandchild.
You still want to "go out" despite not having a job so who pays for it? Them?
The child obviously needs caring if your away and they are assuming responsibility.
They pay for you and the child?

To be honest, I can't blame them in this situation. It seems like since your at home and not working they are still acting as parents to both you and their grandchild and feel responsible and for that reason feel they need to be in control of the situation, financially and responsibility wise. Yeah they are coming off a bit controlling and to you that's going to be a pain but maybe they feel that is needed.

TBH I think the only answer is to get a job and move out. I know you said that not an option since you'd have to pay for childcare and then couldn't go out but come on, that's the situation you're in. Go out, get a job and when your eventually making enough you can have all the social life you want.

Saying that working doesn't work for you because you'd have to spend the money on childcare is just ridiculous IMO. Everyone needs to do what it takes to take care of themselves (and their children) and if that's what it takes you need to grow up. If you had to work 2 jobs to earn enough to live comfortably wouldn't that be better than staying at home 24/7 and sponging? No? Thought not.

Until then sounds like your relying on your parents and if they are footing the bill and responsibilities I can see why they want control over the situation. Maybe it's their way of pushing your towards getting out on your own.

I don't really think it's all their fault. You can stay with them and abide by their rules or you can take some responsibility and go out on your own as an adult as most single parents have to do.

Sorry if that's harsh but it's the reality. Sounds like you want it both ways.

Also, before it's said... I know single parents are allowed a life too, of course, but everyone has priorities. I don't have kids but sometimes I have to sacrifice nights out and other things due to other financial and work commitments and other things, everyone is in the same boat with responsibilities. If a single parent, like anyone, can take care of all responsibilities and still have enough left to be able to enjoy a night with friends then of course they are entitled to it, but nobody is entitled to it when other priorities are not taken care of first IMO.

Em, you're making it sound like all I do is go out partying and dump my kid on my parents 24/7. Not true. She is with me all the time. I MIGHT get about 3 hours away from her a week. It's tough not having a partner to share the workload.

Actually my parents are not footing the bill. I am on social welfare at the moment which gets me food for myself and my child and the bits and pieces she needs.
Also I'm providing my dad with a car and paying his insurance so I'm helping them out too!

I would give anything to work. I worked since I was 14 untill I was 6 months pregnant and I miss it. If I could by some miricle get a min wage job I would have to pay for childcare and petrol. My wage would be gone before I could buy food or nappies. Don't think that would help the situation at all.

I am not a lazy, spoilt brat who sits around all day doing nothing and goes out partying all weekend. I'm the total opposite of the actually. All I'm asking for is a few peaceful hours out of the house, with or without my daughter for my sanity. If I'm ever out without her she is almost ALWAYS asleep. Not much minding needed there tbh.

My parents go mad if I suggest trying to move out, so obviously they are not trying to push me out.

To the last poster: They don't want me to move out because they say I won't be able to manage on my own.

iguana

What is it that you want here OP? You have shot down every single suggestion that has been made to you. Fine some of suggestions may not be workable but you are shooting down any bit of practical advice given to you.

The thing is that the more you post the more I can understand where your parents are coming from. Yes they are being way too controlling and that situation needs to change but the only way that can happen is for you to make the necessary to help achieve that. Instead you seem to abdicate any responsibility for changing things and are coming across much younger than your years. If you are coming across childishly here, I can imagine that you appear even more so in your interactions with your parents. Which will be huge part of why they treat you like a child.

You complain they don't respect you as an adult, which they certainly don't appear to. But you don't respect them as adults either. You are living in their home which is a massive life altering favour they are doing you, and you show no appreciation for it whatsoever. The fact is that no matter what you pay to your parents it is a hell of a lot less than you would have to pay elsewhere, that is why you can afford to live with them and not elsewhere.

You complain that they prefer to babysit when they feel like it rather than to your schedule instead of being grateful that they will babysit at all. You complain that you want something back for helping out around the house when a mature person would recognise that what you do in the house is only poor repayment for them providing you with a home and utilities. They don't owe you anything, you owe them.

Show them that you are an adult by behaving like an adult. Both with your behaviour in the home and by asserting your independence. Talk to them like a grown-up. Tell them that you fully appreciate their sacrifice in allowing you to live with them and tell them you would like to contribute more to the house to show your appreciation. But also tell them that some things will need to change too. From now on you won't be answering their constant calls when you and your daughter are out. And that you will go out on occasion but you will arrange babysitting with someone else. If they agree to babysit on any of those nights then clear rules should be set out at the time of the agreement. Ie; 'I am going out on Saturday, I will be home at around 1am, if you are willing to look after my daughter until that time that would be great but if that's not ok with you to have responsibility for her for so long I will arrange something else.' That way things are made clear right from the start about what your plans are and what's being agreed to. If your parents agree to that but your mother starts to pressure you to come home earlier just thank her for her initial offer to babysit but tell her you will now make other arrangements. Then just politely end the conversation if she brings it up again.

It's not going to be easy, but if you act firmly and politely while also showing your appreciation for what your parents do for you they will start to recognise that you are a grown-up. It might take a long time and may never be perfect but things will improve. If you sulk, whine, argue with them, etc you will appear like a sulky teen and that's how they will continue to view you and how they will treat you.

Lon Dubh

Hi OP, I don't know if this is appropriate or not but you sound like your parents are controlling but also that you have a problem asserting yourself.

Did you ever get counselling or speak to anyone about the abusive relationship? This group might be able to help http://www.womensaid.ie/


It can be difficult to recover from an abusive relationship and it can take the person a long time to regain self-confidence. This might be making you less assertive with your parents.

I hate to say it but there can often be a patterns of childhood upbringing which makes someone more vulnerable to being abused (I don't mean it is your fault but that some people are more likely targets of abuse than others, and it might take them longer to recognise the abuse as abuse). If you parents are as controlling as they seem this might have made you more vulnerable to controlling behaviour from your ex boyfriend.


I think it would be worth contacting citizens information to see about any rights (housing etc) and maybe FAS to see about things like courses you might be able to do (as someone else has said childcare might be covered with certain courses)? I think you need to start planning to move out, even if it takes ages to actually be able to do it. A lot of parents have difficulty changing their behaviour as their "child" becomes an adult and I think this is a lot harder if you are living at home. If they are somewhat unreasonable/controlling on top of this I think it makes it even harder.

Danniboo

Don'tGetOutMuch wrote: »

Em, you're making it sound like all I do is go out partying and dump my kid on my parents 24/7. Not true. She is with me all the time. I MIGHT get about 3 hours away from her a week. It's tough not having a partner to share the workload.

Actually my parents are not footing the bill. I am on social welfare at the moment which gets me food for myself and my child and the bits and pieces she needs.
Also I'm providing my dad with a car and paying his insurance so I'm helping them out too!

I would give anything to work. I worked since I was 14 untill I was 6 months pregnant and I miss it. If I could by some miricle get a min wage job I would have to pay for childcare and petrol. My wage would be gone before I could buy food or nappies. Don't think that would help the situation at all.

I am not a lazy, spoilt brat who sits around all day doing nothing and goes out partying all weekend. I'm the total opposite of the actually. All I'm asking for is a few peaceful hours out of the house, with or without my daughter for my sanity. If I'm ever out without her she is almost ALWAYS asleep. Not much minding needed there tbh.

My parents go mad if I suggest trying to move out, so obviously they are not trying to push me out.

To the last poster: They don't want me to move out because they say I won't be able to manage on my own.

I presume you mean your dad drives a car belong to you or you got him one on finance?? You never mentioned handing up rent OP, so I presume this is your payment to them. As for the bit about shopping and helping around the house well your an adult you live there with your child of course you should help around the house. You sound like a teenager in a strop who doesn't want to do the housework. You say you are not spoilt, fair enough but it sounds like you have an awful lot of growing up to do. Perhaps based on past decisions the parents are afraid you'll bring some negative people in to your childs life?

StillWaters

You need to start getting your life in order OP, planning for your independence and a future where you can parent your child independently of your parents.

FAS and VEC courses have a CETS scheme. This is where childcare is paid for when you are on the course. It is nigh on impossible to parent alone on a minimum wage job, so you need to aim higher than this, and get yourself trained/educated accordingly.

I think this alone would vastly improve the relationship with your parents, they would see you making a mature decision, and planning a life for yourself and your child.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, what advice did you come on looking for? Or did you just post for a rant to get it out of your system but don't necessarily want suggestions as you don't want your life to change?

People have made some very good suggestions, but you are ignoring/arguing every one of them.

You are a single parent..... That is ALWAYS going to be difficult. You will always have less money than a 2 parent working couple. You will always have 100% of the responsibility for your child. You will always have to sacrifice things you like or want. It is very difficult being a parent. It is even more so being a single parent.

But it can be done.

You just have to change your way of thinking. So far you think "no, it can't be done because........." And you have an endless list of excuses.

But you are not the first person in the world to find themselves in this situation... You just have to believe that you are capable. If you don't think you are capable, why do you think your parents are suddenly going to realise that you are?

You have always been their child. They have always helped you, supported you ans been responsible for you. You have never made the transition from adult/child relationship to adult/adult relationship... Because you still depend on them.

Until you make the move, no matter how difficult it is for you, and them, they will always view you as a child.

Find out what you are eligible for. You may be able to do a secretarial course locally that would improve your chances of finding a job. Once you become responsible for yourself, you will give your parents no choice but accept that you are capable.

For as long as you sit around giving out about being stuck in an awful situation and not doing anythinh to remedy that, then your parents will seem justified in their opinion of you. And will never change.

Do you plan on still being in the same situation in 20 years time? Or are you hoping someone else will come along and sort it out for you? Nobody can change your life and circumstances, except you.

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

OP, what advice did you come on looking for? Or did you just post for a rant to get it out of your system but don't necessarily want suggestions as you don't want your life to change?

People have made some very good suggestions, but you are ignoring/arguing every one of them.

You are a single parent..... That is ALWAYS going to be difficult. You will always have less money than a 2 parent working couple. You will always have 100% of the responsibility for your child. You will always have to sacrifice things you like or want. It is very difficult being a parent. It is even more so being a single parent.

But it can be done.

You just have to change your way of thinking. So far you think "no, it can't be done because........." And you have an endless list of excuses.

But you are not the first person in the world to find themselves in this situation... You just have to believe that you are capable. If you don't think you are capable, why do you think your parents are suddenly going to realise that you are?

You have always been their child. They have always helped you, supported you ans been responsible for you. You have never made the transition from adult/child relationship to adult/adult relationship... Because you still depend on them.

Until you make the move, no matter how difficult it is for you, and them, they will always view you as a child.

Find out what you are eligible for. You may be able to do a secretarial course locally that would improve your chances of finding a job. Once you become responsible for yourself, you will give your parents no choice but accept that you are capable.

For as long as you sit around giving out about being stuck in an awful situation and not doing anythinh to remedy that, then your parents will seem justified in their opinion of you. And will never change.

Do you plan on still being in the same situation in 20 years time? Or are you hoping someone else will come along and sort it out for you? Nobody can change your life and circumstances, except you.

I don't think i've given excuses. I've simply explianed whats stopping me from doing these things. A lot of the services mentioned are not in my area. I live nowhere near Dublin. I do want to change the way things are, but these are not in my reach.

As for education, I stuggled trhough college pregnant and then went back to finish when I gave birth which was difficult, but I'm certainly not lazy about it. This qualification is in an area that I can no longer work in.
I've also done a part time course since then, but I simply don't have the money to pay for another follow on course at the moment.
I can't get a job without a qualification, and I can't get a qualification without a job because of lack of money. I'm not entitled to social housing or rent allowence, so basically I'm stuck where I am. I don't have car to do anything about a job/college etc. because my parents have it.

I'm not ungrateful to my parents. I do know it's my responsibility to help out. I always thank them for everthing they have done for me. I NEVER argue or sulk or strop. If they give out about these things I apologise, I don't fight with them over it. I'd do anything for them and I know they are acting this way out of worry rather than spite.

I'm actually mature for my age. I've been through more in my life than many people double my age have ever dealt with. All I'd like is someone to cut me a bit of slack and not to be treated like a criminal.

Big Bag of Chips

Dublin isn't the only place in the country with social facilities!

You need to stop hoping that someone will "cut you some slack". You need to change your own life. You are unhappy at the moment. So your choices are

-remain unhappy
Or
-look into how you can start changing things for yourself

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Dublin isn't the only place in the country!

Nobody is going to "cut you some slack".. you need to change your own life. You are unhappy at the moment. So your choices are

-remain unhappy
Or
-look into how you can start changing things for yourself

I really want to change things. I'm so upset because I seem to hit a massive brick wall every way I turn. I'm actually a breaking point. This is why I resorted to writing all this here.

I think people are overlooking how lonely this girl says she is, and the life of a single parent is a lonely one, i should know, i was in the exact same position when i was 19. I too lived at home with my parents after my child was born, it was the lonliest time of my life, but unlike the OP, my parents understood that and urged me to socialise, make new friends, join clubs etc, and now 13 years later i am eternally grateful to them for their support and understanding.

They encouraged me to go out most saturday nights, this did not make me a bad parent btw, everyone needs adult company. I also enrolled in a local secretarial course (like the one a previous poster suggested) and it was the first step which led me to my freedom. From that course i got a job in an accountants and eventually became a trainee accountant, i moved out of my parents house when my son was 4 to live in a mobile home so i could build a house with my now husband. That PLC course was the first step in reclaiming my life.

I know there are virtually no jobs but you really should think about doing some kind of course, you need to sit down with your parents and have a serious conversation about what direction you wish to take your life. If they see that you are determined and focused they might "lighten" up on you. I wish you and your child the best of luck

Danniboo

Don'tGetOutMuch wrote: »

I don't think i've given excuses. I've simply explianed whats stopping me from doing these things. A lot of the services mentioned are not in my area. I live nowhere near Dublin. I do want to change the way things are, but these are not in my reach.

As for education, I stuggled trhough college pregnant and then went back to finish when I gave birth which was difficult, but I'm certainly not lazy about it. This qualification is in an area that I can no longer work in.
I've also done a part time course since then, but I simply don't have the money to pay for another follow on course at the moment.
I can't get a job without a qualification, and I can't get a qualification without a job because of lack of money. I'm not entitled to social housing or rent allowence, so basically I'm stuck where I am. I don't have car to do anything about a job/college etc. because my parents have it.

I'm not ungrateful to my parents. I do know it's my responsibility to help out. I always thank them for everthing they have done for me. I NEVER argue or sulk or strop. If they give out about these things I apologise, I don't fight with them over it. I'd do anything for them and I know they are acting this way out of worry rather than spite.

I'm actually mature for my age. I've been through more in my life than many people double my age have ever dealt with. All I'd like is someone to cut me a bit of slack and not to be treated like a criminal.

Been through a lot doesn't automatically make you mature, it's how you deal with it and what you learn from it, the not making the same mistakes again, that makes you mature. Have you actually looked into rent allowance, I find it very hard to believe you're not entitled to anything. I know people with one child that ARE working that have got 2/3 bedroom houses. Do you mean your parents won't give you YOUR car if it means you can get a job? The whole criminal comment is a bit OTT.

LegacyUser

Danniboo wrote: »

Been through a lot doesn't automatically make you mature, it's how you deal with it and what you learn from it, the not making the same mistakes again, that makes you mature. Have you actually looked into rent allowance, I find it very hard to believe you're not entitled to anything. I know people with one child that ARE working that have got 2/3 bedroom houses. Do you mean your parents won't give you YOUR car if it means you can get a job? The whole criminal comment is a bit OTT.

I have looked into rent allowence and they said I have somewhere to live so I'm not in need. I would probably get it if I resorted to lying but I would never be so dishonest and it would make me uncomfortable to do that.

Ya well they need the car so I can't just take it back.

I just can't take being this lonely. It's slowly killing me.

Sleepy

What's your qualification in OP?

Quite often a qualification one area can be utilised in other areas too...

Squ

Danniboo wrote: »

Beruthiel wrote: »

Do you work?
Move out and stop living with your parents.
Many single mothers live on their own and you will not gain any kind of real independence until you start taking care of you and your childs life without the aid of your parents.
Until you do that, your parents will continue to treat you as a child.
After all, their house, their rules.
So, leave.

+1

You shouldn't be going out every weekend if you aren't working really, I can see how your parents would be peeved by this. You are giving out because you can't go out and meet new friends, meet fellas etc, you are mother that should be your priority, if there was no sacrifices involved with having children everyone would be doing it. I'm not saying your not a good mother and I don't doubt your with your child the whole time, but you shouldn't be sulking about having to stay home with your child.

What i'm getting at is you seem to be viewing this as "My parents won't let me go out and meet my friends, go to the pub meet boys etc", when you should be really seeing at as "I'm a mother, I have to mind my child and can't expect my parents to mind him/her every weekend" If you were living on your own and supporting yourself you could ask your parents occasionally or you may have to pay a babysitter OP, but until you stand on your own two feet they will never treat you as an adult.

I'm 33, wife and myself are on about 80k and only after years of preparing are we now ready to have kids.
I wish i could go out every weekend, but thats not on the cards!

You must have a very understanding babysitter to be able to take up every one of their saturdays.

I understand you're in your early 20's, so its a steep learning curve. But life isnt fair.

LegacyUser

Squ wrote: »

I'm 33, wife and myself are on about 80k and only after years of preparing are we now ready to have kids.
I wish i could go out every weekend, but thats not on the cards!

You must have a very understanding babysitter to be able to take up every one of their saturdays.

I understand you're in your early 20's, so its a steep learning curve. But life isnt fair.

I don't drink so a night out for me costs me about a fiver!
My parents never go out. They dont actually have friends themselves so they are the house anyway and my little one is nearly always asleep in bed.

I guess from the majority of the replies here is that I'll just have to be really, really unhappy and get over it.

Danniboo

Don'GetOutMuch wrote: »

I have looked into rent allowence and they said I have somewhere to live so I'm not in need. I would probably get it if I resorted to lying but I would never be so dishonest and it would make me uncomfortable to do that.

Ya well they need the car so I can't just take it back.

I just can't take being this lonely. It's slowly killing me.

You need to keep at them. A girl I know was living with her parents and working before she was given her house. You need to be more assertive, tell them that its only a temporary solution living with your parents. If you share a room with your child tell them so. You are gonna have to be much more vocal with them.

Don'tGetOutMuch

Don'tGetOutMuch wrote: »

I guess from the majority of the replies here is that I'll just have to be really, really unhappy and get over it.

The majority of replies have given you options and hope and stories of other people in the same situation.
All you have done in response is to say no no no, I'm not a child, I can't do anything, and now you appear to be shutting down entirely
I'm not sure what other help we can give you if that's genuinely your conclusion.
Nobody is going to sweep in on a white horse and save you. You're going to have to slog through this the hard way, stand up and discuss things with your parents instead of repeatedly complaining "i'm not a child!", etc.

Big Bag of Chips

Don'tGetOutMuch wrote: »

I guess from the majority of the replies here is that I'll just have to be really, really unhappy and get over it.

No! You have your mind made up and nothing anyone says to you will change it.

I think the majority of replies have tried to steer you towards changes... But you see it as the majority are telling you 'you have no choice.'

That's a mind set you are in.... And you are the only one who can change that.

The Big Red Button

Don'tGetOutMuch wrote: »

Squ wrote: »

I'm 33, wife and myself are on about 80k and only after years of preparing are we now ready to have kids.
I wish i could go out every weekend, but thats not on the cards!

You must have a very understanding babysitter to be able to take up every one of their saturdays.

I understand you're in your early 20's, so its a steep learning curve. But life isnt fair.

I don't drink so a night out for me costs me about a fiver!
My parents never go out. They dont actually have friends themselves so they are the house anyway and my little one is nearly always asleep in bed.

I guess from the majority of the replies here is that I'll just have to be really, really unhappy and get over it.

I have a close friend in a similar position to you - she is quite young, has a baby, and is living at home with her parents.

She appreciates how lucky she is - her parents absolutely dote on their grand daughter, and love minding her, but they pretty much have to force my friend to go out every now and then, because she is reluctant to take the p-ss and go out too often.

Honestly, very few parents can afford to go out every weekend - whether they drink or not. Not going out every single weekend should not make you "very, very unhappy", as you put it.

You come across as feeling very sorry for yourself, but honestly, you're not an exception here, at all. Children do involve sacrifices, and by the sounds of it, your parents do an awful lot for you. When it comes down to it, it's their house and their rules. Live with it, or become independent and move out - I have a feeling you'll get even fewer nights out then, though.

Danniboo

Don'tGetOutMuch wrote: »

I don't drink so a night out for me costs me about a fiver!
My parents never go out. They dont actually have friends themselves so they are the house anyway and my little one is nearly always asleep in bed.

I guess from the majority of the replies here is that I'll just have to be really, really unhappy and get over it.

Yes and how much would a night out cost if you were to fork out for a babysitter. Your parents are running a house, looking after their child and grandchild, when would they have time for friends? Do they work? Is the weekends their only free time?

If you want to be really unhappy because you're not willing to TRY then fair enough but how selfish are you to not make an effort at a better life for your child.

Your replies are getting more and more childish, if I was like that at your age I would hope someone would give me a swift kick up the backside and tell me to grow up.

Here is a list of conditions that would disqualify you from Rent Supplement entitlements:

http://www.welfare.ie/EN/OperationalGuidelines/pages/swa_rent.aspx#2.2


None of them apply to you

LegacyUser

Danniboo wrote: »

Yes and how much would a night out cost if you were to fork out for a babysitter. Your parents are running a house, looking after their child and grandchild, when would they have time for friends? Do they work? Is the weekends their only free time?

If you want to be really unhappy because you're not willing to TRY then fair enough but how selfish are you to not make an effort at a better life for your child.

Your replies are getting more and more childish, if I was like that at your age I would hope someone would give me a swift kick up the backside and tell me to grow up.

Here is a list of conditions that would disqualify you from Rent Supplement entitlements:

http://www.welfare.ie/EN/OperationalGuidelines/pages/swa_rent.aspx#2.2


None of them apply to you

I AM willing to try! Yes my parents do a lot for me but they also take over and tell me how to raise my child. eg. If i put her to bed and she cries my mom bursts into the room and tells me I'm being horrible to her and takes her away. Do you know how that makes me feel?

If I had my own place with some peace I wouldn't care about going out. I could invite a freind over to watch a movie.... absolutly fine for a social life in my eyes.

If you think I'm childish, go ahead and think that. You have obviously never been in a situation like mine.

If you had been in a violent abusive relationship for 4 years, gone through an unplanned pregnancy pretty much alone, gone through your exes suicide while minding a small child and trying to finish college in these circumstances. I was also battleing depression at the time.If you had been through this you would know that it's impossible to come out the other end innocent and childish. I am a mature adult being treated like a bold child.

If you don't get this no amount of type is going to explain it to you. It's so it's impossible to communicate what it's like over the internet.

ibarelycare

OP you're not answering the questions about why you wouldn't qualify for Rent Supplements. How much have you actually looked into this?

analucija

I hope I never end up being single mother, it's too hard. So in a way I can understand you. IF you stay at home you have no freedom but you have support with raising child and sometimes that just means someone minding the child for half an hour when you have to go to the shop to get some bread. Or somebody minding the child when you need to go to the hairdresser. As I said I'm not single mother but my partner does work a lot and even with great support I get from his family it's still hard work.

You are also young and I think everybody should have friends and should be able to see them. Your problem seems to be you have very few old friends (if any) that you could just call for a chat or your parents would be more used of and would maybe tolerate in the house. I remember a school friend of mine who had extremely controlling father and was never let to school trips or any activities that didn't involve academic side of things (btw he had phd in maths and was university lecturer). It did her no favours later in life. I don't know how bad your parents are but if they are very controlling then you have to get away from them for yours and your child's benefit. But it won't be easy.

I think you are stuck in a rut. It can happen to people who lose work and I'd say it is even harder if you have a child. You've been through a lot and child complicates things even more. Some people gave you very good advice what options to try and where to go. But first you should stop believing that there is no way out. Your parents won't change at this stage of their lives so you will have to look into what you can do yourself. I'd also look into counselling because you feel very lonely and alone at the moment. I suspect your post was more trying to vent some frustration than get an actual advice and this forum might not be the best place for it.

I wish you all the best. I think you were unfairly judged by some in this thread but also think you are not as independent as you think you are I think that for whatever reason you stopped believing in yourself.

Christ, could write a self help book with all the cliches used in this post.