Dont know what to do.

136aa

I am a 20 year old girl who has just finished first year of college in Dublin. I moved home a month ago back to my parents house in Cork where a younger brother and sister still live. I've been searching for work since I've come home but unfortunatley I havent been successfull so far. Last year I paid for my college fees with some money that I'd saved up and my Mother helped greatly by taking at a loan in my behalf. I am incredibly greatful for this loan and I have full intentions of paying her back once it is within my means to do so. I dont receive any money from either parent as I live at home rent free but the second I have an income I will be paying rent.

My brother left school at 16 and has since done nothing other then lounge around the house or other peoples house. His seemingly only activity is doing drugs. Which I have been witness to in our family house while my parents are gone. I have told them about this and have not even received an acknowledgment from them concerning this. I have lived a lot of my life trying my best to please them with everything I do. But nothing has ever been enough. I am constantly in the wrong concerning anything to do with my brother. My confidence has been shattered so many times by my fathers deameaning comments and rages bit I'm starting to grow wary of picking myself back up again.

I'm writing this in tears after being told I am the most worthless good for nothing person that has ever walked this earth and all I care abput is myself and I wouldnt care less if every I knew died in the morning.

This is something I have heard continuously for as long as I can remember. I have a boyfriend that I love so much and would almost trust with my life but I dont share any of this with him because he is the person that I get to be happiest around and i cannpt ruin that.

My brother is a compulsive liar. I have been blamed for every single thing which he could possibly think of regardless of whether I have or not. Tonight he accused me of spreading rumours about him which caused my father to become furious and declare that he couldnt believe anything I said because I have lied about so much in the past. Which of course is everything my brother has said.

Aside from feeling broken I have college to worry about. I have almost decided to take a year out from college and work to save money for the next two years but I can't live in this environment again. I dont how or what I can do. I cant afford college but I dont how much longer i can take this before il give up. When i was in school i talked to a teacher about it and he helped focus on my goals. I.e getting into a college course that i would love.
I have done that and now i am in an even worse position.
My confidence is failing with every day and Im afraid of losing mysellf conpletely.

The Lovely Muffin

136aa wrote: »

I dont how or what I can do. I cant afford college but I dont how much longer i can take this before il give up.

What do you mean by giving up?

Can you go to your doctor and speak to them?

Please don't try to harm yourself, if you are having or have had suicidal thought go to anyone, anyone at all, doctor, hospital, friend, neighbour etc, please seek help and don't hurt yourself.

I am assuming that by 'giving up' you mean suicide or something, if I am wrong, I apologise.

edellc

^^^

I really dont think the OP means that, I think she means giving up college, family life and stuff not actually living

Anyway

OP I totally get where your coming from I lived with a father who was a mixture of scrooge and hitler rolled into one so it was fun fun fun growing up in my house, my parents put all their attention into my older sister who was a complete f*ck up and liar and when she got pregnant and they turfed her out on her ear it was only then that they thought oh well let now put all our attention on next one ie me

I was like you good in school and got into college and the pressure to do well from my father was unreal, I was always trying to please him and do the right thing but it just was never good enough, eventually I had my first serious BF and when my father found out he was not impressed and if I went out on a night out in town I had to be on the last bus home thats 11.30pm OMG yes I know I was 21 wth it was a total power struggle from there on in and not too much long after a friend was going away for a couple of months and asked me to move into her flat for 2mths so LL wouldnt give it away so I did with my BF and while I was away my father knocked down the walls of my room and made my youngest sisters room huge and dumped all my stuff in a skip, so I couldnt move back home , it was his way of teaching me a lesson for disobeying him...best thing I ever did

So OP I have total symphathy for you, what I do think you should do is stop going on about your brother to your parents, he is obviously the apple of their eye and can do no wrong so screw them if they want to put up with a free loading junkie then so be it, its their problem and keep your nose out of it, have as little to do with your dad as you can stay in your room when he is there if its possible that way you dont have to deal with his ****, are there any coffee shops (starbucks are looking for staff at the moment Jobs.ie-retail other scroll down) in the area that are looking for staff they normally have a high turn over as do the likes of xtra vision very high turn over of staff....I do think you should go back to college instead of maybe applying for work in your local area why not look for a job in Dublin in the likes of the above or even newsagents again high turnover, if you can get a job then you can move back to dublin and away from the tyrant, have an income to pay rent and live and maybe a bit extra to transfer back to your mother to contribute to the loan

I understand that you dont want to tell your BF but long lasting relationships are based on honesty and openness of each others lives and Im sure if he loves you then he will understand and be there for you

Best of luck OP try not let the b*stard get you down and try take everything he says with a pinch of salt

Peace and love op X

blatantrereg

I would make moving out from your parents' house an immediate priority. If it is possible, even if difficult financially, I would do so asap. Maybe it isn't possible at all because of finances though.

136aa

No i dont mean in the suicidal sense. Sorry for any confusion.

At the moment I am flat broke. So I'm not in a position to move out. However when I do get a job which hopefully will be soon I'm worried that I'l move out and then never go back to college. Due to having bills and what not to pay.

This morning is in the first morning in a long time where I've woken up and I still feel furious about last night. I usually just push all feelings back and just try and forget it happened. But I think thats happened too many times.

Im also very worried about the affect this is having on my younger sister. She just sat her junior cert and the day before she sat down beside me and said "If they had asked me to study I would have but they dont care enough so why should I"

She has also started to comfort eat and gave up all sports this year because of her junipr cert. I'm worried ahe may turn to what I did. At her age I spent my weekends drunk in fields with boys 5 years older then me, I lost my virginity at 14, had tried multiple types of drugs by 15(which thankfully since then i havent touched anything) At 16 I drank two vodkas before school. Very few of even the closest of ny friends know this about me today.

edellc

Op all teenager try drink and drugs at some point and you would be surprised how many have the same story as you

As for your sister, maybe you need to talk to her big sister to little sister, let her know the reasons she needs study for exams and maybe have a word with your mother about her but dont say she said anything to you the last thing you want to do is betray her trust

life is not all about the leaving cert and college, yes having a both helps but if you do end up having a crap leaving and not going to college who says you are going to still be that way inclined at 23 when you can go back as a mature student, and what you got in your leaving doesnt matter and if you where unsuccessful with making a career for yourself and end up on the dole well you can always do college on a back to education programme, not the "proper" way of doing it but its a safety net and there none the less so all is not lost

thefeatheredcat

I get the impression the home is not exactly a happy one and I would actually take it that your parents are in denial about your brother and his drug and other problems. It sounds like there is a lot of resentment from him and your father towards you for you making something of yourself so they are fairly determined to wear you down and squash your spirit. Don't let them.

Your mother and your sister... where is your mother in all this? How is she towards you? Your sister I think you need to have an honest sisterly talk to her about herself, let her know that she can come to you about things and let her know about what you have experienced too if you do feel that she has nowhere to turn to. Show her the merits of studying for her own benefit for what she wants out of life and encourage her to do it for herself.

For yourself... well actually I will say focus on yourself and put yourself first. Be strong for you. If you feel totally alone then do contact an organisation that is there to help make the load easier for you if you feel you cannot talk with your boyfriend about what is happening.

I think you have to ask yourself what do you want the most for yourself; If it took a lot to focus on your goals in the first place, it is perhaps best to keep that focus, even look into doing that course on a part time basis but if there is a serious issue with money in financing it, you might want to take the chance to move as soon as a job comes up before the environment becomes too toxic that you find yourself putting up with it rather than rising above it.

Janey_Mac

My €0.02:

I think it would be a good idea to get out of your home. Taking a year out to save for college might be possible to do while not living at home.

Start looking for jobs *in Dublin* so that if you get one you have the perfect excuse to get out of your family's house.

Keep looking in Cork but even if you get a job, concentrate on saving and paying your mother back and keep looking for work elsewhere so that you can get away.

Do you have any college friends in Dublin who might let you crash if you have to go up for interviews, or even stay with them until you get your first paycheque and can start paying rent?

Ask at college about the options for student loans, doing the course part-time while working, etc. so that even if your parents decide not to help you continue with college, you'll know what your options are.

Sadly, you can't bring your sister with you, but talk to her, let her know how you were at her age. You're already setting a great example for her with the way you found the course you were interested in and have worked hard to do it.

Best of luck. You deserve to be happy.

136aa

Thank you for all the replys.

My mother provides great support for me but a lot of the time she makes me feel very guilty. I appreciate everything that she has done for me so far but she drops comments about how she is so broke and its so hard having to support a child in college and talks about how her hours were cut because her supervisors think she is working herself too hard. But realistically there is nothing there is nothing i can do about this aside from feeling guilty. I never ask for money and i only ask for a lift anywhere unless i know either of my parents are driving in that direction. I live in the back end of no where btw. I know that moving out because of everything that happens would break my mothers heart but my father would be delighted that its one less mouth to feed. To be completely honest the only thing that is keepibg me here is my mother and my sister.

Mousewar

Yeah I'd say get the hell away from that place as soon as possible.
The only hesitation would be your sister and whether you can help her.

The happy medium would be to move out but ensure you return often in order to see your sister and support her if need be. Being in the house after you've moved out and established your independence would be very different - you wouldn't be a dependent anymore but an independent adult and could exert yourself as such.

As for college and money - part time job, grant, and cheap digs should be manageable just about.

Janey_Mac

136aa wrote: »

Thank you for all the replys.

My mother provides great support for me but a lot of the time she makes me feel very guilty. I appreciate everything that she has done for me so far but she drops comments about how she is so broke and its so hard having to support a child in college and talks about how her hours were cut because her supervisors think she is working herself too hard. But realistically there is nothing there is nothing i can do about this aside from feeling guilty. I never ask for money and i only ask for a lift anywhere unless i know either of my parents are driving in that direction. I live in the back end of no where btw. I know that moving out because of everything that happens would break my mothers heart but my father would be delighted that its one less mouth to feed. To be completely honest the only thing that is keepibg me here is my mother and my sister.

Your mother is guilt-tripping you and trying to manipulate you into giving up your dream course. Don't stay there for her.

That house is an emotionally abusive, toxic place to be. Your best bet to help your sister is to get out yourself. Not only will you be showing her that there are escape routes, if you complete the course and are living independently you might be able to give her somewhere to run to if she needs it. Keep in touch with her, encourage her to look after herself and be less self-destructive, but it's like on an airplane where they tell parents to put your own oxygen mask on first. You can't look after her unless you're ok yourself.

LegacyUser

I can really sympathise with you. First off with regards to your father's comments, although I know its very difficult, you need to ignore them. I used to be constantly degraded by my mother's comments depsite paying all my fees with a part-time job and studying in college. You're obviously not worthless and maybe it was misplaced anger or even jealousy at your success.

It sounds like your home is a hostile environment and it has been a tough transition moving back. I personally think it would be best to carry on with yout degree and maybe looking into getting a student loan with a bank. If you have a good degree, you should be able to pay it back in a reasonable amount of time and when you're back in Dublin you might find it easier to get a part time job there to help pay it back. Taking a year out could really distract you from your course and you would probably regret not graduating sooner.

Continue with your search for work. Getting a job is extremely tough and disheartening these days, but go out every single day with those CVs, look at all the job websites and check the papers. Don't let oppurtunities go amiss! Once you have some financial independence things will seem easier. Maybe in the meantime, try volunteering at a charity shop to get some extra retail experience and it might be good way to get away from your brother and the house as well.