GF has no friends...

LegacyUser

Hi
Going anon for this one

Myself and gf, both 40s and divorced are together almost 3 years..living together and debating buying a house together.

I've always found it strange that she has NO friends (bar one who she texts the odd time)
ALL social outings, events are with my friends - it's not an ISSUE as such but would you find this strange? I would like her to have her own friends.

Also all outings, events, nights out, days out, weekends away are suggested by ME..if I didnt suggest something or plan things we'd go nowhere.
My female friends think she's lovely and have tried to be more friendly towards her (invited to on girlie things etc) but she just doesn't keep up contact or seem pushed so they have, I think, given up.
She's v quiet..not shy just quiet..even between myself and herself I probably do 95% of the talking.
I even have to push her to text, visit, buy pressies for HER family on birthdays etc.
She just doesn't seem bothered....

If I didn't push things we'd be sat home alone most of the time..

Thoughts?

rainbowtrout

Well aside from her lack of friends, are you happy in your relationship with her? I would imagine you are if you are considering buying a house together.

Is she happy with her life, or does your post arise from her being too clingy or wanting you to stay in instead of go out with your friends? I don't get that impression from your post. Or do you feel obliged to ask her along with your group of friends because she has none of her own.

Personally I wouldn't get involved in pressuring her to visit her family or buy them presents if she doesn't want to. Her family dynamic might be different to what you are used to. Or do they visit her/ both of you (if you live together) regularly and you just think she should make the effort also?

SunnyDub1

My ex was like your partner, he had very little friends and anything we done I always planned. if I didn't plan anything he would happily sit in all the time. This did get on my nerves a little, only because I was always arranging everything.

He could communicate and talk to people, he wasn't shy. I brought him out a few times with my Friends but he found he had very little in common with them.

Some people are just happy with what they have and don't feel the need to be surrounded by people all the time or have a wide variety of Friends. I'm the opposite I would probably crack without having my family or Friends around me.
My ex was the type that would rather sit in having a cupa watching a film on his own than to be out with his family or freinds. It worried me at times but it was just the person he was, once he was happy it didn't bother me.


once she is happy and yous have healthy relationship than it's nothing to worry about.

Mr Bump

OP, Some people are just like that, my wife is like that in every way, i sometimes think its made, also have said it to her, and her reply it well I am happy whats the problem, sorry i cant help any more then that, but its like you are talking about my wife and if you puch them it causes problems, if you leave them well they just carry on and go with the flow,

gim.me.advice wrote: »

Hi
Going anon for this one

Myself and gf, both 40s and divorced are together almost 3 years..living together and debating buying a house together.

I've always found it strange that she has NO friends (bar one who she texts the odd time)
ALL social outings, events are with my friends - it's not an ISSUE as such but would you find this strange? I would like her to have her own friends.

Also all outings, events, nights out, days out, weekends away are suggested by ME..if I didnt suggest something or plan things we'd go nowhere.
My female friends think she's lovely and have tried to be more friendly towards her (invited to on girlie things etc) but she just doesn't keep up contact or seem pushed so they have, I think, given up.
She's v quiet..not shy just quiet..even between myself and herself I probably do 95% of the talking.
I even have to push her to text, visit, buy pressies for HER family on birthdays etc.
She just doesn't seem bothered....

If I didn't push things we'd be sat home alone most of the time..

Thoughts?

Lorna123

If you are okay with it OP then it is fine but if it bothers you then you might need to ask yourself if she is the person for you, e.g. would you prefer a more stimulating partner? Do you find her boring ?

Beruthiel

Is she happy OP?

Does she expect you to spend every second of your time with her?

If she doesn't and is able to spend her time on things that amuse her, then honestly, I'm not seeing a big problem.
Sure, it is odd not having even one friend, but there are some people so happy with their own company that maybe they just couldn't be bothered.

Elmidena

Maybe she's been burned badly in the past by supposed "friends" and has adopted the mentality of "being too old for this". Maybe after her divorce she dodged seeing people while she was hurting and it became habitual. I certainly lack in friends, and probably before I started really making the effort this year I didn't have any. I'm happy just spending time with my OH, don't have to go and do anything fancy, but it's nice when it comes around just the same. I think that unless she seems unhappy, or if it makes you very cross, then just leave her as it is obviously the lifestyle she wants. Trying to help with your female friends etc is decent but make sure your partner doesn't see this as interfering and get her back up, I know you mean well but some people (myself included) gave up believing in the world long ago and want a nice non-drama-fuelled lifestyle.

Big Bag of Chips

I'm probably a bit like that! Not to the extent that I have no friends, or never go out... But I'm laid back, easy going. It doesn't bother me if we go out.. or don't. It doesn't bother me if I go out with my husband's friends.

I'm laid back about everything. Sometimes it drives my husband mad, and he'd like me to just make a decision! But honestly, I'm not too fussed what we do/where we go, so I mostly let him make the decisions because he's fussier than me!

LegacyUser

OP I could be mistaken but did you post this same issue here before some time ago? I think I remember an almost identical post and if you did is it something that continues to bother you? Either way it does seem as if you see it as an issue and are looking for validation as to whether it is or is not normal to have friends and show no iterest in wanting to go out.

The thing to ask yourself really is what attracted you to her first? Was this lack of friends/not going out apparent from the start but you were still attracted to her and were you hoping she would become more sociable in time? Apart from this issue would you regard yourselves as compatible or do you think this could be a deal breaker for you down the line.

People are what they are, and unless their behaviour is causing distress or offense to others, then we shouldn't try to mould them into something we want them to be. If you're not happy with someone's fundametal character then you probably shouldn't be with them in the first place.

MistyCheese

You don't mention any way in which this is a problem for you. So, what are you worried about here? As long as she is happy then I can't see what there is to be worried about. It would be different if she was upset about the fact that she doesn't have much of a circle of friends.

This lady is in her 40's so she almost certainly knows her own mind and is leading her life in the way she wants. It's unlikely you will be able to change her into a social butterfly now.

December2012

Does she have kids ?