Would this seem too clingy?

LegacyUser

I've just started going out with a fella. We were only on a few dates before he asked me out. We have known each other for ages, as in we went to school together but we didn't hang out together properly before.
We are both 22 and I have a two year old daughter who he knows about and thats not an issue for him. Would it be wierd if I asked him to go for lunch/ go to the park or something with myself AND my kid? I only have limited time away from her to see him and we could hang out for a good while if she is with me.
Good idea or not?

P. Breathnach

How might things look in your child's eyes? You would need to act with this man as if he were a friend like any other friend. He can't be "Mammy's special friend" when your relationship is so new, and the future is presumably still uncertain.

ash23

Terrible idea imo. But not because of what he may think. Moreso because of your child.
I am a firm believer in establishing the relationship before getting a child involved. It's not fair on a child to be introduced to every person a parent dates.


I think you should meet him initially by yourself. I know it's not easy to do but I think it's the best way.
Then if/when things get more established, you can arrange for him to come over in the evenings when the child is in bed. And then once you know its serious, you can let him meet your child.

Piliger

I agree with the others above. Hard as it may be to accept, your principle responsibility is now your child. It is not fair to her to have to adapt to different men coming and going in her life as she grows up. Whether or not it is convenient, she will instinctively latch on emotionally to men who she meets and my advice to you is to not involve her with any BFs until you are certain they are there to stay.
Of course this is very inconvenient. It is very tough on you. But that is how it is. If he cares about you and cares about your child he will totally understand and if he doesn't get it immediately then explain it to him.

LegacyUser

Hi Op here. Thanks for your replies. My daughter does come first with me. I regulary meet up with other friends, male and female with my daughter present and she hasn't become attached to any of them. Would this be so different? Obviously I would treat him any different to a friend when my daughter present.
This is my first relationship since I split with her dad so I am very cautious and planning on taking things very slow.

Piliger

shouldiask wrote: »

Hi Op here. Thanks for your replies. My daughter does come first with me. I regulary meet up with other friends, male and female with my daughter present and she hasn't become attached to any of them. Would this be so different? Obviously I would treat him any different to a friend when my daughter present.

I know it sounds all very reasonable and it may seem over sensitive for us to be so cautious. It is just that children are incredibly sensitive to the nuances and chemistry that their parent is sharing with others. And this kind of stuff really affects kids when they themselves grow up.
If you met your BF with others when your child is there, that would neutralise the issue to a great extent as long as you don't interact with him like a BF. But I can't see that being a reasonable solution.
I really think you should keep the situations separate. Wait until you can get a sitter and then really enjoy yourself without worries.

AhInFairness

shouldiask wrote: »

I am very cautious and planning on taking things very slow.

Taking things very slow, to me anyway, would not involve days out with your daughter and your boyfriend at such an early stage. Your daughter is getting to the stage where attachments will be formed much easier than when she was younger. She's 2, she's becoming her own little person and I think you need to stop kidding yourself that this will be the same as you meeting up with platonic friends.

I'm not suggesting you need to be with your boyfriend for years before your daughter gets to know him, but you said yourself you have just started going out. If you were really planning to take things slowly you wouldn't be considering family days out to the park.

Yes, it's inconvenient and yes it's puts a dampner on the first flushes of a romance but such is life when you have a child. Your first post seems to indicate that you are thinking purely of the incovenience keeping the two separate will bring. That is unfair on your child and you would be doing her a disservice if you were to go down this road.

ash23

OP I've been a single parent for over 9 years. I had one long term relationship at the start but he is the only person my child has met. She has met men I work with and male friends but she's no fool. If she saw me making gooey eyes at a lad, she'd know it!

I'm seeing someone at the moment and as her father isn't involved, it is tricky for me to see him regularly. But how I'm doing it is as described above. At the start it was sitters and meeting him once or twice a week for a couple of hours. He would ring me after she was in bed. He is very understanding about my need to protect her.
As it got more serious I started letting him call over during the week when she was in bed.

As of this week I told her about him and we are building towards having them meeting. But even then, she won't be on every date with us.

I know my daughter was devastated when myself and my long term partner split. He hurt her so badly. I will never forgive myself for that.
Lesson learned. You can't take the emotions of a child too lightly. And everything we do affects them.