Unhappy!

LegacyUser

I've been meaning to write this post for quite a while, but only now have plucked up the courage to do so. The past couple of years I've been quite unhappy, but for no apparent reason. I'm 21, recently achieved my first class honours degree and set to begin my masters in September. I've always felt that my life solely revolves around academics. I've been lucky in that I have never seriously struggled in this area but it often feels like it's the only thing going for me; but to me it's not enough.

I am very bubbly with my friends but tend to be very shy and reserved when I meet people first. In secondary school I was more outgoing and spoke to the majority of my year without any hassle. However I struggled to settle into college, but still managed to make a few close friends. It annoys me that I have become so shy and cannot fathom a reason for this change.

I am not very open even with my close friends. I always try to help friends through problems, but when it comes to my own problems I always try to go it alone. I don't open up easily to people and often "shut down" in conversations when I feel like I'm opening up. I realise it's good to share problems, but I simply can't! I never speak to my parents about anything mildly important. They know very little about me; totally my choice. Any conversations they try to engage in, I just shrug off and move on without making a fuss.

I've never been in a steady relationship, surprise surprise! I had my first major crush when I was 18; but unfortunately it was unrequited! I've been with guys since but never had a relationship. I've had another case of liking a guy but that feeling not being reciprocated very recently, which has totally destroyed me again! I realise I am very quiet, and my friends say I need to try push myself forward more, and I have to a certain extent, but the constant rejections from the guys that I actually have real feelings for has really gotten to me. It takes a lot for me to step outside my comfort zone, and so when I do and end up getting rejected, it crushes me! I would absolutely love a steady relationship now. I feel like I would become so much more content and relaxed in myself if I found Mr. Right. I think I would be so much happier! One potential problem I can foresee when it comes to relationships is body image. I really don't like the way I look and could never imagine letting another person see my ugliness. I recently lost a few stone, didn't do anything major; think my metabolism sped up! I've never been overweight but just very uncomfortable with my looks.

I've always felt a sense of fear which I feel is holding me back. I've become a total perfectionist when it comes to college. I'm constantly self-critical and never feel good enough no matter what results I achieve. I feel like I'm "fluking" my way through college, getting lucky with exam results, despite achieving a steady 80's average throughout my degree. I got offered my dream job last October which was a great boost heading into my final year. However in recent months, I began to doubt my ability to succeed in the job. I constantly thought my future employers would quickly realise that I'm actually no good and won't be fit for the job! This fear got the better of me and I declined the job, hence I'm doing my Masters. I think I really need the extra year, but I'm afraid things could get even worse for me! What if this fear keeps getting the better of me, and so ultimately no matter how well I do academically, it's all a waste!?!

Any advice would be much appreciated!

edellc

OP I think you are describing the majority of 21year olds in this country tbh, although you might feel old you are not, your are still very young with your whole life ahead of you.

We all at around your time in life have feelings of self doubt, are shy to a high or lesser degree, have body issues (every age has this) and feel that our parents dont know who we are, its called growing up and making the shift from being a teenager into an adult....just because you hit 18 doesnt make you an adult

You need to stop places emphasis on having a BF to make you happier as it wont, and finding MR Right wont happen when your searching it happens when you dont care about Mr Right and are loving life being single and going out with your girlfriends

Dont sell yourself short either with college, you are doing a great job and if it comes easy so what, you obviously are putting the work in and it is showing, as for the job good on you for getting it with the country on its knees its a great thing to have and you have been offered it for a reason for stop doubting yourself

We all wont to do the right thing and can be perfectionists but no one expects you to hit the ground running when you do start this job, they know your still in college and when you start you are there to learn the ropes not know how it all runs and be promoted to managing director the next day so chill about it

As for the comfort zone it takes a lot for most people to set outside it, if it didnt we would all be bungie jumping from the spire so you are not alone there

You just sound like every other 21year old and you need to stop for a second and stop stressing, confidence comes with age as does self assurance and perfection in your work comes with experience, we all have to start like you and develop over time

If your comparing yourself to others around you who seem more confident well they are not they are just better at faking it, stop worrying about others and concentrate on being happy with you and with being single it will all fall into place, I can promise you that

Peace and love OP x

looksee

You might be depressed, you might need counselling, I don't know, I am just a random person on the internet who only knows about you what you have chosen to tell us. So I am going to offer some thoughts on the understanding that I might be wrong, and you might need to investigate your situation in more depth.

I think you are a perfectly normal person who is a bit over inclined to be introspective. You have been studying all your life so far, and probably need a break. Could you put your Masters on hold for a year and do something else? Even when you get your Masters you may well not fall straight into a job that suits your qualifications, go and get a bit of life experience even if it means going to another country and getting a job that will just keep you in rent and food.

It might be a bit of a shock to your system, going from being someone who can demand top marks from herself, and get them, to being told that you have put the chickens in the rotisserie wrong and burned them. It will give you a better perspective on life though

Don't start adding up rejections and lack of relationships - you are only 21 for heaven's sake, and have been dedicating yourself to study so far. What is in the past does not matter, relax, you have friends, you can make friends, stop worrying and let a relationship come along in a natural way. You can't force it, you cannot control life the same way you have controlled your studies.

You do not have to share all your innermost thoughts with your friends, it is good to talk, its true, but if you can back off from bullying yourself and give yourself a bit of space you will find that, firstly people will appreciate the fact that you listen to them, and secondly you will find it easier to talk.

Could you find a sport or an interest where you do not have to compete or win? Hill-walking or salsa dancing or join a choir or voluntary work. Work with animals maybe, or children - are there any youth groups nearby that need a helper? Get out of the academic race for a month or so, or better still a year. Enjoy yourself a bit!