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Lies and more Lies

  • 15-06-2012 9:11am
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hello all,

    Hoping to get some advice here, I'm a big follower on boards and thought someone may be ale to give me some direction.

    been seeing my BF for almost a year now after which time you think that I'd be happy and contented. Well I'm not and mostly it is down to bare faced lies on his part. I've caught him out so many times now and other times that I havent I know he is being dishonest.
    For instance he checks my mobile on a regular basis, I've seen him do it but he swears on his baby nephews life he doesnt. He lies and tells me that girls are texting him all the time asking him out. I also know this untrue. When I make plans to go see my friends, he makes me feel guilty by saying he's booked a table for dinner for us as a surprise probably hoping I wont go but on 2 occasions I've rang to check and no reservations have been made.

    I just get the feeling so often that things that he's telling me are not completely true. Like when something doesnt sound right to me and I question it he stumbles alot and in the end I just leave it as he goes of on 1 saying why won't i just take his word for it.

    It's getting to the stage where I'm constantly doubting everything he says.
    I mean swearing to me he's telling the truth when I know for certain he's telling lies is hard to swallow.

    Any opinions would be very much appreciated.


Comments

  • Posts: 0 CMod ✭✭✭✭ Jazlynn Salty Camp


    My opinion is this doesn't sound like a relationship and i wonder why you are with him at all
    you're supposed to be with someone where it makes you both happy
    you're not happy


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,089 ✭✭✭✭P. Breathnach


    Lying in a relationship is generally bad.

    The behaviour you describe seems very juvenile to me. It suggests to me that he is not suited to a mature relationship.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 145 ✭✭Carriexx


    Hi, why is he lying.......you need to get to the bottom of it....some people just do it for a bit of control!!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 362 ✭✭SheFiend


    You can't trust a liar.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 17,485 ✭✭✭✭Ickle Magoo


    Relationships should be a positive addition to our lives - giving us companionship, comfort and facilitating emotional stability.

    If your relationship is failing in all of the above then you really have to ask yourself why you are enduring an unhealthy relationship which can damage your self-esteem and trigger trust issuest.

    If I were you I'd knock this relationship on the head and then get yourself into counselling to explore why for an entire year you've accepted a liar with clear insecurity issues as a mate.

    All the very best, OP.


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  • Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 42,362 Mod ✭✭✭✭Beruthiel


    Any opinions would be very much appreciated.

    I place great importance on a persons word.
    How can you consider yourself an honorable wo/man if you feel the need to tell petty lies to the one person in the world you are supposed to care about?
    I don't see the point.
    There is no point.
    A liar cannot be trusted. They have no self respect.
    Were I to catch someone out in a lie I would say it to them straight.
    I would not consider myself to be in an equal, caring relationship if my partner was lying to me.
    You have to ask yourself the question OP, why are you with this person?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I really dont know why i am. I have on two occasions tried to cool things of and end it but He get so upset and starts to cry and say how much he loves me and how much he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.
    Its probably because I feel guilty about leaving him when he gets in such a state.
    lately he's been pushing the idea of getting engaged. I've been less than enthusiastic about it because of things that have happened and he's beginning to lose patience with me.
    It just seems so messy.


  • Posts: 0 CMod ✭✭✭✭ Jazlynn Salty Camp


    You should be with someone because you are happy with them, not because they're guilt tripping you and emotionally manipulating you into it just so they can be happy even though they know you are miserable
    really, does that sound right to you?
    tell him it's over, ignore the hysterics, and go stay with some friends or family.


  • Subscribers Posts: 19,425 ✭✭✭✭Oryx


    You are not contented. You are constantly trying to discover if this guy is lying to you yet again, and you dont trust him as far as you can throw him. He even lies to you when he knows he is caught, he cant even fess up at that stage. He even has the cheek to judge you by his own duplicituous standards, and sneakily check your phone!

    Now, given all that, why are you putting up with it? I'm boggled as to what you get from it, tbh. He must have some pretty wonderful aspects to make up for what you have described.

    Do you expect to be able to fix this (major!) flaw? Do you think he will suddenly wake up honest if you put enough work into him? Well, its not your job to make him honest. Its not even your job to put up with or discover his lies. Someone like this doesnt have to cheat or treat you badly to break your heart. Dealing with this day to day will wear you down and break you anyway. Please dont put up with such immaturity any longer.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,089 ✭✭✭✭P. Breathnach


    I really dont know why i am. I have on two occasions tried to cool things of and end it but He get so upset and starts to cry and say how much he loves me and how much he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.
    Its probably because I feel guilty about leaving him when he gets in such a state.
    lately he's been pushing the idea of getting engaged. I've been less than enthusiastic about it because of things that have happened and he's beginning to lose patience with me.
    It just seems so messy.
    It still seems juvenile to me. The kindest interpretation I can offer is that he is emotionally immature; the more severe one is that he is manipulative and controlling.

    Either way, it's bad.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Oryx wrote: »
    You are not contented. You are constantly trying to discover if this guy is lying to you yet again, and you dont trust him as far as you can throw him. He even lies to you when he knows he is caught, he cant even fess up at that stage. He even has the cheek to judge you by his own duplicituous standards, and sneakily check your phone!

    Now, given all that, why are you putting up with it? I'm boggled as to what you get from it, tbh. He must have some pretty wonderful aspects to make up for what you have described.

    Do you expect to be able to fix this (major!) flaw? Do you think he will suddenly wake up honest if you put enough work into him? Well, its not your job to make him honest. Its not even your job to put up with or discover his lies. Someone like this doesnt have to cheat or treat you badly to break your heart. Dealing with this day to day will wear you down and break you anyway. Please dont put up with such immaturity any longer.

    I find it really hard to challenge anything he says, a fear of causing a big argument. I am completely worn down lately, I've been so busy at work and my Dad doesnt keep well so my mind is elsewhere so I've probably just put up with it recently because I've been concentrating on other things.
    Wonderful aspects?? yes he is loving in ways and says everything he's doing at work and such is for our future together, but I have this niggle all the time that something isn't right. I just find it hard to accept that he says he loves me and then he trys to make me feel guilty such as "booking" surprise dinners and seemingly telling me he had plans made AFTER I tell him I've made other plans.
    He makes me feel terrible and I know his parents think he's a saint and that I'm really lucky to have their son.

    Aaaaaaggghhhhhh, the more I write the more I want to scream.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,716 ✭✭✭LittleBook


    For instance he checks my mobile on a regular basis, I've seen him do it but he swears on his baby nephews life he doesnt. He lies and tells me that girls are texting him all the time asking him out. I also know this untrue. When I make plans to go see my friends, he makes me feel guilty by saying he's booked a table for dinner for us as a surprise probably hoping I wont go but on 2 occasions I've rang to check and no reservations have been made.
    I have on two occasions tried to cool things of and end it but He get so upset and starts to cry and say how much he loves me and how much he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.
    Its probably because I feel guilty about leaving him when he gets in such a state
    I find it really hard to challenge anything he says, a fear of causing a big argument. I am completely worn down lately

    Well, his manipulation is working.

    The lies themselves aren't the main issue, you need to understand why he is lying to you.

    He is doing it to manipulate you and keep you by his side. He is trying to control you and so far he's been successful. You have been trying to break free of this relationship and he's managed to hold on to you.
    I have this niggle all the time that something isn't right. I just find it hard to accept that he says he loves me and then he trys to make me feel guilty ... He makes me feel terrible

    Trust your instinct. This is not right and you can feel it, don't allow yourself to be manipulated for a moment longer.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,743 ✭✭✭blatantrereg


    He sounds horrible. Get rid. Expect him to make it difficult for you to do so, but get rid anyway.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,812 ✭✭✭✭sbsquarepants


    To cut a long story short, that relationship, if you could even call it that, is going absolutely nowhere! Cut yourself free and move on.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,741 ✭✭✭Piliger


    Hi OP. I don't buy into knee jerk advice to just end relationships. It is no help to anyone and doesn't contribute anything to the problem.

    LittleBook, above, is closer to the real issue I feel.

    This is not about the lies in and of themselves. This is about a pattern of behaviour that is way beyond that. This guy has a problem and it needs to be dealt with if you are to continue to invest in the relationship. Can you really continue like this for 30 years ? Think about that...

    It is important, imho, for you to draw a line in the sand and discuss this whole lying business with him. What is the reason ? Is it fear ? Is it insecurity ? Is it a control thing ? Is it a serious psychological thing ?

    I feel that for you to continue to stay with this guy, he must first recognise there is a problem, and also do something about it.

    His response to your pulling back is worrying and your reluctance to do what you want to do is also not the way to live is it ? Relationships are not about being afraid to leave ? Love is not about being afraid to leave ?

    Best of luck.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,619 ✭✭✭ilovesleep


    Piliger wrote: »
    Hi OP. I don't buy into knee jerk advice to just end relationships. It is no help to anyone and doesn't contribute anything to the problem.

    LittleBook, above, is closer to the real issue I feel.

    This is not about the lies in and of themselves. This is about a pattern of behaviour that is way beyond that. This guy has a problem and it needs to be dealt with if you are to continue to invest in the relationship. Can you really continue like this for 30 years ? Think about that...

    It is important, imho, for you to draw a line in the sand and discuss this whole lying business with him. What is the reason ? Is it fear ? Is it insecurity ? Is it a control thing ? Is it a serious psychological thing ?

    I feel that for you to continue to stay with this guy, he must first recognise there is a problem, and also do something about it.

    His response to your pulling back is worrying and your reluctance to do what you want to do is also not the way to live is it ? Relationships are not about being afraid to leave ? Love is not about being afraid to leave ?

    Best of luck.

    I disagree with this. The op's relationship is still very young and there's nothing there acting as a glue such as marriage or kids. She can still escape because very rarely people like the op's partner see a problem or they will never admit to it and work on their issues.

    I was involved last year with someone with a lying problem and he was 60. Probably something he carried with him through life and something he will take to his grave.

    My dad was similiar - a massive liar. Hes 52

    These people will never realise how hurtful lies are.

    People like this will never change. They need to see that they have a problem themselves. Or it might take a life changing event but doubtful and all too often they are too selfish and wrapped up in their worlds and pitying themselves as to why the world is against them.

    Op if you make a run for it its possible your guy may admit he has a problem and he may use getting help as an excuse to keep you.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,741 ✭✭✭Piliger


    I don't agree with wild sweeping generalisations, and dismissing people and relationships out of hand.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 362 ✭✭SheFiend


    I don't agree with the idea of staying with a controlling person you can't trust who makes you unhappy just to keep them happy.

    Sure, there's a reason he behaves this way. She can't fix him. Even a shrink couldn't fix him, unless he wanted to change.

    She is not bound to him. Better to be happy and single than to tolerate a negative unhealthy relationship.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 201 ✭✭nowyouresix


    My only advice is to get out of this relationship. Cut him out, he's not going to change.
    Good luck!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,830 ✭✭✭✭Taltos


    Piliger warned for off topic posting.

    Can I remind everyone of our charter - if you have nothing helpful to post to the OP please don't post at all. Off topic posts are at best unhelpful, at worst they can throw threads off topic.

    Thanks
    Taltos


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    HI Folks,

    Thanks for all your replies! Things have even got worse since. He called to my house last night and when he went "to the toilet" I actually heard him going to my room and when I went up I caught him poking through my dresser drawers... I quietly went back downstairs and waited for him to come back down. I said to him when he came back down "where you in my room?" He say no way, "I promise you I'd NEVER go into your room snooping"...
    I confronted him and said I have seen him, he got really angry and said why was i sneaking round after him, said I needed to see a councellor and few more choice words and left.

    What am I missing here? Why on earth was he snooping in my room. He's obsessed with the idea I might have another phone lately..maybe he was searching for this phone..which might I add i don't have.
    I also got a huge bouquet of flowers delivered to my house on Friday (annonymous), which he saw and he went a bit mad saying it was my fault because I dont make it obvious enough that I have a BF and I leave myself open to be approached by other men.

    What am I missing here??
    Is this done???


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,165 ✭✭✭stargazer 68


    HI Folks,

    What am I missing here??

    What are you missing? What difference does it make what you are missing? He was snooping around your room and then lied about it. Sorry OP but I would have kicked him into touch by now.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 363 ✭✭analucija


    Very rarely I read something here and think to myself, run (wo)man run!

    Lying is not the real problem. I mean, who cares if you are every so often told that somebody had 3 pints when they had 12 or that they like your friends even though they can't stand them, or that your father is not that bad at all... Those are lies you can live with but in your case he is trying to control you, he doesn't trust you and he could be potentially abusive. What he is doing would be wrong even if he told you the truth about it. Saying 'I just went snooping around your room because I think you have another phone and I don't trust you', doesn't make his actions any more acceptable. End the relationship now.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,047 ✭✭✭Pippy1976


    "been seeing my BF for almost a year now after which time you think that I'd be happy and contented. Well I'm not"

    1. You're not happy so do something about it.
    I know his parents think he's a saint and that I'm really lucky to have their son.

    2. You're not going out with his parents... you're going out with him. Like I said, if you're not happy change it.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 58,456 ✭✭✭✭ibarelycare


    Ugh OP I've been in a very similar situation to you, I went out with a pathological liar for 18 months. It took me a long time to realise that he had a problem, well over the year mark anyway. For the most part, the lies were innocent and silly. For instance one day he cooked dinner, including garlic bread. I said that the garlic bread was lovely and asked what brand it is. He said he'd made it from scratch, however later on when I was clearing up I found the wrapper from the garlic bread in the bin! Another time he was trying to give up smoking, one day he went out to the shop and when he came back I gave him a kiss and could taste smoke off his breath. I asked him how come he'd had a cigarette (not in a pushy way, I was just concerned that his giving up wasn't going as well as he'd told me) and he denied it down to the ground that he'd had one, even though I could smell it so clearly from him.

    Like your bf, he used to check my phone and I caught him doing it once but he denied it. I was very open with him about previous boyfriends and I was still friendly with some of them, one of them was actually my mechanic and one of them was someone I'd bump into every now and then. I'd obviously text the mechanic when I'd something wrong with my car, and I'd chat to the other one the very odd time. Various times after I'd been in touch with them, my ex would say that he'd got an anonymous phonecall saying I'd been talking to/meeting up with my exes. I stupidly believed this for months and was terrified thinking someone was hacking into my phone :rolleyes: I even started a thread on it on boards asking could someone be doing that, and people said "Are you sure your boyfriend's not just checking your phone" and I was saying "No way, he'd never do that" :o But of course he was, and I only realised this when we broke up.

    I badly wanted to make things work though because I loved him. I tried to break up with him but he convinced me he'd get help over his lying and in fairness to him, he did start seeing a counsellor and he'd bring home stamped letters to show that he'd been to the sessions. But then he lost his job and of course he couldn't afford to keep up the counselling.

    In the end I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't believe anything that came out of his mouth, even the smallest, most mundane thing that he might tell me. The thing is, I genuinely believe he is/was a nice guy, he just had a huge problem that wasn't going to change without some effort from him. It's sad now because I can't look back on anything in that relationship with fondness, I just think everything was a lie! (He even told me once that both his parents had cancer. I started doubting it after a few months and I said it to him one night when I was hammered. We had a massive fight, I felt awful the next day, he said he couldn't believe I'd doubt him over something like that. Near the end of the relationship I actually just asked his mother straight out and she said that neither of them had cancer!!)

    Anyway OP your boyfriend is going to want to help himself before things are going to change. If he is willing to address his lying/controlling ways and seek professional help then who's to say that things won't improve. But the biggest thing will have to be him admitting that he needs to speak to someone. If he's not willing to change then there's no hope for the relationship.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,403 ✭✭✭daisybelle2008


    What am I missing here??
    Is this done???

    You already know the answer to both those questions. Listen to your instinct.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,673 ✭✭✭Stavro Mueller


    For instance he checks my mobile on a regular basis, I've seen him do it but he swears on his baby nephews life he doesnt.

    As an aside, someone who does something like this this is beneath contempt in my book :mad:

    I'm not sure what it is you're getting from this relationship :confused: I could dissect everything you've written and tell you why it's wrong but life's too short. Bottom line here is that you are going out with a man who's an unpleasant, manipulative, lying creep. You don't trust him, he doesn't trust you. He's never going to change, you know.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,925 ✭✭✭aidan24326


    What am I missing here??
    Is this done???

    Just to echo what daisybelle said, you must know that yes it is surely 'done'. Being with someone you clearly can't trust to tell you the time of day will only continue to wreck your head if you don't walk away.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,120 ✭✭✭fungun


    HI Folks,

    Thanks for all your replies! Things have even got worse since. He called to my house last night and when he went "to the toilet" I actually heard him going to my room and when I went up I caught him poking through my dresser drawers... I quietly went back downstairs and waited for him to come back down. I said to him when he came back down "where you in my room?" He say no way, "I promise you I'd NEVER go into your room snooping"...
    I confronted him and said I have seen him, he got really angry and said why was i sneaking round after him, said I needed to see a councellor and few more choice words and left.

    how did you let his turn this around and make it about you? Why didnt you stick to the point that he just said he would NEVER do it and just DID. How can you ever trust him. Why did you not pin him down and get an answer to this? Despite the fact that its really bothering you to the point that you are this unhappy, you STILL let him away with this???

    Of course this guy gets upset when you talk about leaving him because he would miss your enabling of his behaviour


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,397 ✭✭✭✭rainbowtrout


    HI Folks,

    Thanks for all your replies! Things have even got worse since. He called to my house last night and when he went "to the toilet" I actually heard him going to my room and when I went up I caught him poking through my dresser drawers... I quietly went back downstairs and waited for him to come back down. I said to him when he came back down "where you in my room?" He say no way, "I promise you I'd NEVER go into your room snooping"...
    I confronted him and said I have seen him, he got really angry and said why was i sneaking round after him, said I needed to see a councellor and few more choice words and left.

    What am I missing here? Why on earth was he snooping in my room. He's obsessed with the idea I might have another phone lately..maybe he was searching for this phone..which might I add i don't have.
    I also got a huge bouquet of flowers delivered to my house on Friday (annonymous), which he saw and he went a bit mad saying it was my fault because I dont make it obvious enough that I have a BF and I leave myself open to be approached by other men.

    What am I missing here??
    Is this done???

    Nobody sneaks around their own house, you're entitled to go wherever you like, he however is not and when you caught him decided to put all the guilt back on you.

    I agree with everyone else here, he's controlling and manipulative and I'd be well rid of him if I were you.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,630 ✭✭✭Zen65


    What am I missing here?

    You've asked this question twice in your post. You already know the answer, but you lack the courage to act on it. The longer you leave it, the more difficult it will be to act on it, so putting it off is a very poor strategy.

    As others have said, his lies are simply ways of trying to control you. The fact that he pours guilt on you when you make plans to go out somewhere without him is one of the clearest signs of a manipulative partner, and you should be extremely wary of anyone who would do such a thing. That he checks on your phone, tells lies, and goes looking through drawers in your room paints a picture of a man who cannot be trusted. He certainly does not trust you.

    What are you missing? You're missing the opportunity to live a life without fear of conflict. You're missing a relationship between two loving people. You're missing out on the opportunity to live a sane, healthy life. Any why? Because you don't want to see this man cry?

    Op, it sounds as though you well know what's going on around you and you're posting here to perhaps gain the courage to do what you know you should already have done. Don't wait for the courage to arrive to you, seize it for yourself!

    Be at peace,

    Z


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Not the exact same situation as yours but my first GF when I was young was similar, everything was a lie.

    She'd lie about every thing she told me about herself when we met, she'd lie about everything she did and pretty much everything else. Even when I knew it was a lie, she would lie more to cover it up. And if you questioned that she would explode and create more lies...

    It was lies on top of lies on top of lies which would put you in such a spin that you'd just drop it or she'd pretty much blow up.

    Anyway, long story short, she became very possessive, very controlling, very unstable. I was too young to realise it wasn't right really or how to get out but I eventually did.

    Not exactly the same as what your going through but the guy has problems, for your own sanity in the long run I'd just say get out of it, there are better people out there.


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