In a bit of a kafuffle!!

LegacyUser

Hey

Ok so, was seeing a guy from November to last month! (both in our early 30's) I liked him a lot...It was a sow burner (first time for me) but I think we were equally fond of eachother - just perhaps had both been burnt in the past and not willing to rush in to things! It felt right (if that makes sense?)

Anyway, he had some family stuff going on which wasn't so bad at the beginning but it just kept growing and he was getting more and more involved (not through his own will but in a sort of mediation capacity) so I started seeing him less and less and hearing from him less and less. When I mentioned it he said he knew where I was coming from and he was sorry and his head was just full of confusion with everything that was going on and he still wanted to see me but he wasn't sure how much room he had in his brain for me.....(he finds it difficult to talk about or understand his feelings so that was good going for him)

Anyway - I started hearing from him less and less but I was sort of being understanding about it - the more understanding I was about the whole thing the more he seemed to be drifting away. It felt like he wasn't that pushed about me...So, I ended things and he was far more disappointed than I expected to be honest, I got the same explanation again with perhaps a little bit more emotion and I agreed to give it another shot.

He then became even more distant (which I didn't believe was possible!) I was only hearing from him twice a week if even so - trying to be sympathetic I told him that I didn't want to keep breaking up with him but he needed to make more of an effort or walk away as this situation was not doing me any favours and I was finding it hard. So, he asked if maybe we would take a break so that he could deal with all his family stuff and then start fresh when his life gets a little easier. To me that seemed like a really good option - I really liked him and still had a good feeling about him. He is sacrificing a lot in his life (not just me) to support his dad so It's not like he's not a good guy.

Anywho, after that chat we said we'd "chat soon" a whole week went by and I missed him rotten but I stayed strong. He sent me a message then about something on my facebook or whatever and he basically hasn't left me alone since!! He's contacting me constantly and even spent half of Saturday with me helping me out with something I was doing and then texted me that night making sexual innuendos and then saying he was frustrated with the situation as he really wants to be with me but can't as I was miserable before.....I agree - I don't want him back the way things were at the end! But all of a sudden he seems to have way more time than he had before? I 've told him I'm not sleeping with someone who isn't my boyfriend and he's agreed - my gut instinct STILL tells me he's a good guy but my heads a lil melted to be hinest. Does he jsut want what he thinks he can't have now or what?

ash23

I don't know OP. Sounds to me like he might be a good guy in all other aspects of his life, but maybe not a good guy in relationships.

It's really simple. look at his actions.

When you are with him, he neglects you and is distant and has no room in his life for you, his girlfriend.
When you stop being his girlfriend he becomes intense and suddenly has loads of room for you in his life. He agrees with the "break" as in, he is not looking for ye to be back together as in a relationship. He still is saying things would be the same if ye did get back together (he hasn't promised to change and begged for you back I take it?). Instead he is looking for a shag.

I'm a total cynic OP but personally, I think he's a bit of a bast@rd tbh.

P. Breathnach

I'm trying to imagine what this guy might say if he came here to discuss his problem:
- I met this amazing woman;
- things were developing very well;
- then this big problem blew up in my family, and I couldn't really neglect it;
- it took me away from this girl a lot, and I can understand why she wasn't happy with being on the back burner for a time;
- she called time on us as an item;
- I tried my best, and she gave it another chance;
- the family problem still hasn't been sorted;
- I suggested a break until things could be put on a proper footing between us;
- I'm missing her terribly, feeling very insecure about our relationship, and even though we are supposed to be on a break I keep contacting her.

OP, do you think that is a plausible picture?

If I have it about right, I think it comes down to a value judgement that we can't make here. It depends on how big the family problem is, and how important his role is in dealing with it. Ask yourself this: would a married woman whose husband had a similar problem in his family put up with that amount of neglect because of the situation? [I know couples where the needs of one party's family created a lengthy hiatus, but the relationship survived and ultimately prospered; I also know couples where the relationship was scuppered because of family needs.]

Step back in time, to the point before the family problem became a big obstacle. Was this a nice romance with a "let's see how this goes" dimension, or was it a big romance with a "I may have met my future husband" character?

You need to evaluate things. Then either you finish with him or you have the big conversation.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
That situation sounds so familiar to me that I think I may have gone out with that guy!

I think you should leave him and his problems alone.. probably just rubbish anyway.. he can't be bothered with you most of the time - do you not think you deserve better?

Its easy for me to say as I am not in the situation but I was in that very situation and my head was melted too.
He will do the same to someone else, leave him alone and you will look back and regret the time you wasted on him.

Babooshka

I would ask him out straight does his contact mean he wants you back as his girlfriend or is he just missing you but stil feels things out of his control are standing in the way of a relationship. If the answer is no, I would tell him to stop contacting you because nothing's changed. Simple as really, if you don't want to get messed up in the head or could handle casually sleeping with anyone, then go ahead and start seeing him again, but ask before getting your head wrecked, it's hard, but it's the best way to avoid further messiness.

Big Bag of Chips

Has the family problem cleared up suddenly? If so, why are you not back together? If not, why does he suddenly now have time to contact you, when it seemed impossible before.

I think the family problem is/was an excuse. How much time does it take to send a text, or make a quick call. Unless he was mediating this conflict 24 hours a day, surely he had time to contact you occasionally? (he has time now)

Personally, I think he wants you as a gf, so he can say "I have a gf", but he's not too bothered about making time for you.

He may be a really good guy, who's just really bad at relationships.

If I were you, I'd ask him to stop contacting you until he has time for you to be a proper couple. If you do get back together then, he should get 1 chance. If it happens again you should go. Otherwise, as you say yourself, you will just get stuck in a cycle of breaking it off with him.

Cut contact now. How can he miss you, if you're not gone away?

Raven_Melody

ash23 wrote: »

I

I'm a total cynic OP but personally, I think he's a bit of a bast@rd tbh.

This.

Sometimes we only see what we want to see, and I think you know that's the case here. Sure, he has excuses and reasons for his behaviour - but valid as they may be, it doesn't negate the negative impact it's having on your own emotional well-being. Just because there's a reason for something, doesn't mean it's okay.

I am a friend

followingmygut wrote: »

he wasn't sure how much room he had in his brain for me

Unless he is a fulltime carer for the rest of his entire family, he should have room for his gf. I suspect he wants a friend-with-benefits. Keeps you close but doesnt have to make an effort with you.

Move on girl - plenty of nice, uncomplicated guys out there!!