2.5 years in & don't know how I feel

LegacyUser

My bf moved in with me almost a year ago and we've been together 2 and a half years. I'm the property owner and he was spending so much time here it was logical he move in.

At the time he moved in I was a little anxious about it because he's naturally a more tactile person than me and seems to need more affection than I do. However things were fine!

I have gone through phases in this relationship and genuinely have no idea what to do about it. I feel somewhat smothered and it puts me off big time to the point of not looking forward to coming through the door in the evenings.

My bf is a few years younger and lacks confidence. It's like jekyll and hyde. Some of the time he's a funny and witty and we're equals and the dynamic between us is great. However some of the time he is very self conscious and questioning everything he's doing. So, he'd want toast in the evening and say "i'm going to have toast" I'd say "OK grand" and he'd ask "Is that alright?" This stemming from him being on a diet (i've lost a lot of weight and hes kinda went up and down a few lbs) he seems to come over to me for a hug on the hour every hour, like it's a habit but it doesn't mean anything. I'm not sure if i'm explaining it properly... so tonight for example he's hugged me 8 times in 5 hours. Lingering hugs with long kisses always waiting for me to pull away. We weren't sitting together cuddling, one occasion I was on the phone to someone and he came over and lay his head beside me with an arm around and it really effing irritates me.

It manifests as neediness, constantly asking am I ok, is he annoying me, do I need anything, and when I ask, are you ok, is something wrong he says no of course not. He tells me he loves me about 4 times a day. We have to have a large long embrace when I come home and its followed by declarations of utmost love.

So I know you'll say, talk to him. I have! It's so apparent, he'll apologise for being "mauly" it's at the stage where I feel like a parent with a child. These phases of intolerance seem to peak with me blowing up and telling him i can't handle it and he backs off, normality returns and things are great.

Last night was his second night home after being away and I had missed him terribly. While I get fierce independent and irritated by him, as soon as he left I started noticing all the little sweet things he does... I was making tea friday night thinking i'd normally make him a cuppa and he gets the milk... I took a bath and thought aw he normally fills it for me and brings me in a drink. Silly little romantic things. He arrived home late, we caught up, he was elated from his trip and full of chat. Last night he'd been home alone and started just lingering around and acting needy and overly affectionate. I broke down, told him his lack of confidence is causing me to shy away from him and we spoke and he admitted he suffers terribly from a lack of confidence (which we both knew) and he's under immense pressure in work. He got upset and we spoke about it all... and we made up and i went to bed feeling like finally we'd made a break through... although unsure how to move forward.

So... i've just finished a long period of CBT counselling and now react to things with actions rather than wallowing in self pity. I don't know if it's made me less sympathetic to people's woes but I feel like I won't have the patience to go through it with him.

He refuses to go to therapy or address the issue in any pro active way ensuring me he's going to read up online and look at his actions etc. I think I've come to the point of needing to see a big gesture from him because we've talked the topic into the ground. Me feeling mauled, him calming down for a few days. Things becoming amorous between us again (because i've no interest in sex when this happens... spend most of my time dodging his approaches) but it soon returns to old dynamic.

He's also very awkward in social settings. He has improved a bit but when we're out esp with people he doesn't know he keeps himself to himself, doesn't make an effort and sits using his phone. It's caused a lot of embarrassment and a few arguments. If I try to include him by saying oh he likes that too or something like that he comes across as aloof because he acts non chalant when answering.

Now.. because of the type of person I am, I've spent a lot of time figuring this all out. I've had an enormous amount of drama in my life before going to CBT. I went through what he did and through experience and CBT I'm a completely different person. I am glad he knows what the problem is but he seems very unwilling to actively do anything to change it like go for counselling etc.

I just don't know what to do. I want things to go back to how they are when they're good and we have fun. I really don't want to leave him but this "phase" I go through seems to hop up and slap me in the face every couple of weeks/months.

Can anyone offer advice... what can I do? Should I walk away? Apart from this confidence issue he's a very reliable, trustworthy generous person who idolises me. And when he has a handle on these issues, the dynamic between us is excellent.

BraziliaNZ

Are you in love with him? Do you want to have sex with him? Sound to me like you most certainly don't. He does sound needy and having someone hanging out of me like that would drive me mad. He has issues. If I were you I'd walk, sounds like a total nightmare and you're not happy.

Ickle Magoo

Hey OP,

The trouble with one party requiring physical reassurance and the other feeling smothered is that each feed the others annoyances/insecurities. He annoys you, you pull away, he feels insecure and chases, you feel even more smothered and so the cycle continues.

You need to sit him down and lay your cards on the table - and see if things can improve if he is aware how close to breaking this is driving you - and ask if he'll get outside help for his insecurity issues. If you can change that side of the relationship then you have a fighting chance otherwise it's going to irritate you beyond not knowing how you feel to the point that you loose any remaining attraction towards him.

All the best. :cool:

floorpie

I want things to go back to how they are when they're good and we have fun

I can't quite understand the issue, is it that his confidence issues are coming and going, or is it that your annoyance about his confidence issues is coming and going?

Personally, an overly clingy person would annoy me, but it sounds like he has been quite a consistent person throughout this; i doubt that he became unconfident in social settings the minute he got with you, for example, and you knew that he was a tactile person before moving in together.

So when you say that "normality returns", it seems like this type of affection, and this vaguely unconfident but reliable/trustworthy/generous personality, is his normality. And if it is, he has no obligation to go to therapy to change this into something which is more suitable for you, but equally, you have no obligation to accept him as being part of your life. The best you can do is to is to impress upon him the importance of the issue, and that it will drastically affect the relationship (i.e. end it) if it doesn't change. Then the ball's in his court, i suppose.

when he has a handle on these issues, the dynamic between us is excellent.

What happens when you feel that he has a handle on these issues? Does he stop hugging you and saying that he loves you, and asking if you need anything etc etc? Or are you just less irritated by it/don't notice it?

LegacyUser

Thanks for the responses guys.
I did lay the cards on the table today and stressed how big the issue is. He's agreed to go to therapy. I was very surprised but he thinks it will help too. He reacted very well actually. I was terrified he'd get offended and tell me to eff off because he can be quite defensive. He's being bullied in work and wants the confidence to apply for a new job/ attend the interview etc. He explained a day in his job just wears his confidence away and over the 5 years he's there he's just close to walking out, and can't cope with the pressure put on him.

I knew I hadn't explained the situation properly... lol very difficult to explain tbh. It's taken me 2 years to realise what the issue was!!!!!!

What I mean about his lack of confidence is, every couple of weeks he becomes very withdrawn and less chatty. He says things are fine but then starts getting defensive, being overly sensitive about things, and i don't just mean situations between us. Small things that wouldn't bother people are a big deal for him... like he said this but he meant that and i'm annoyed and it wouldn't make sense. He'll follow me to different rooms and linger around and say he's there for a different reason but he's not very good at hiding it! He'll put his arms out every time i pass him. He'll come up when I'm cooking and lay his head on my shoulder and stay there til I say em sorry i'm trying to cook. Eventually I say hold ur horses here i'm smothered. He backs off for a few days... the banter returns, it just passes and we end up having fun again and laughing and joking and tickling and giggling and all of our private jokes and closeness returns.

He had a ****e upbringing which I know all about... like u wouldn't believe the amount of ****e. I understand why he gets like this, like all his insecurities surface every couple of weeks (Driven by being put down in work constantly!!!) he knows this too. /I needed action though.... him to actively take responsibility and seek help which he's agreed to do. I'm very proud of him.

I love him to bits, he's the kindest person i've ever met and I hope the therapy helps him to come out of his shell and be the person he really is underneath these insecurities. When he's on top form he's sarcastically witty with the sourest wit you've ever heard. These problems are crippling him and until he does something about it, it won't improve.

Btw, while I'm not as affectionate as I once was (previous relationships and a break down of a marriage later) I certainly do show him how much I love him. I'd be feeling amorous probably once a week - as in cuddling up on the couch which might lead to other things... but monday to friday i'm a trojan worker, very stressful job, chores to do and have little tolerance for molly coddling. He has a low sex drive himself but when things flow easily and there's nothing else going on, we have a great relationship. People have commented (mother who i'm very close to and best friends) about how good he is for me etc so i really don't want to walk away. I really hope that he starts to see his potential... even if i'm not around

floorpie

Ok, whether you two stay together or not, it sounds like counseling or maybe therapy is highly appropriate for him. And i hope that, given how good a guy as you make him sound, you two can become stronger through him going.

LegacyUser

Thanks floorpie, I hope so too. He wants to kinda side step mentioning it until he has to go. I really hope it helps him as much as it has helped me.

Catari Jaguar

Just sounds like you don't respect him and that turns you off him. Just crying out, "seriously, man the **** up!" I don't think it will work out. You'll resent him.

LegacyUser

Hi Catari

Can you clarify what you mean please? I have struggled with all those feelings wondering is it me, do I not respect him, how can I go from being on cloud 9 to avoiding him and getting really irritated by him. I really have.

The reason I ask though is because I haven't cried out asking him to man up, and am reading ur response as thinking I had. I actually really appreciate his sensitive side - makes a change for me!!

Bottom line here is I really want it to work. His aunt who he's practically been raised by has wanted him to get counselling for a long long time so I hope he benefits and I hope he doesn't resent me for pretty much laying it on the line although it really was all I could do.

Thanks for your response anyway Catari

Lorna123

I don't think that this relationship is ever going to work out because you cannot accept this guy for what he is and you are trying to change him. This is not on. He sounds like a kind loving man and if this turns you off then let him go. You cannot mould someone into being what you want them to be, so if his behaviour turns you off that much then let him go.

dannyc31

i think you need to ask yourself the question why did you ever get with this guy in the first place? as some one else posted, it doesnt seem like this guy became the clingy doormat over-night so there was obviously something about him that drew you to him.

i just hope they were'nt for your own selfish reasons, i.e. a passive clingy guy like this is less likely to cheat on me and will be must easier to control therefore there is less likely of me getting hurt. if thats the real situation you need to be fair and let the guy go meet someone that suits his personality type. you cant change the character of a person completely and all CBT will prove is that he is the person he is and shouldnt need to change who he is if he doesnt feel like he's being himself with that change.

so what i'm saying is if this behaviour is worth ending things over for you, you need to decide that, because i'm sure the best he'll be able to do is tone it down a little. and whats gonna happen when things crop up during the relationship that would lead most people to seek more affection such as a beravement etc, do you reckon you could handle him then cause if he's like how he is in normal situations imagine what things would be like in those high stressed situations.

LegacyUser

Hi Danny

Well I think you're taking what I've said out of context here a bit.

Firstly, of course when there's a need for affection, I've no issue giving it. I need affection as much as the next person too ya know. What I'm referring to is a very unnatural display. It's not a fluid movement from cuddling and hugging, it's almost an awkwardness which manifests as this kind of behaviour. I firmly believe it's his self consciousness. Sometimes he needs support because something's happened but other times its like it's out of nowhere and it throws an awkwardness onto things. It becomes almost pantomime like. I know it's self consciousness because he doesn't mix well with people at all until he knows them quite well. He can seem quite rude when you first meet him but he's crippled with shyness. Of course, I've gotten to know him and at the start he was desperate shy and would said inappropriate things and anything sexual was quite awkward but we're very comfortable with each other now.

Every so often this other persona creeps in and things get v weird again. The reason it encroaches on me is that he's denying me the chance to need or want affection and I get smothered and turned off. It's like working in a chocolate factory all day, the last thing u want is chocolate.

The other point though I want to make is about CBT which will hugely improve his self confidence (if it works for him which I hope it does) He's only recently gotten the confidence to look for a new job and I can see this amazing man with so much potential and then boom it shatters around us again. I really want to help him. CBT will hopefully change his thinking pattern. We're the sum of our experiences and I can see where he gets this from. Hopefully the CBT will help to change his bad thinking, and give him new perspective and free him from his own insecurities.

I've actually learned quite a bit since I last posted from all of the replies and from just jotting it down. We spoke and he understands completely what I'm getting at and as I said agreed to the counselling. His appointment is coming up soon. I was very upset actually because I was terrified he'd tell me to eff off tbh... but he didn't and he's quite looking forward to getting started which was surprising. That being said, he's also quite nervous so I've not brought it up without him doing so and I've told him I'll just ask how he found it but won't pry. Having gone to CBT for a year and a half I know how exhausting the process is. I've noticed the last couple of nights he's been quite tactile and a bit awkward and I'm guessing he's apprehensive. It doesn't bother me though because I understand it and that's only because I've written here. I can see where it's coming from and I've been reassuring him each time and finally feel like we're making head way. I think because things had built up so much I just ran away as soon as I saw it whereas I need to give him more during those times.

Someone mentioned how he didn't just become this insecure person, of course not... that's why I'm trying to explain that over 2.5 years it's grated on me so much I just want to run for the hills. I've already put the time and effort into reassuring him but to no avail etc etc.. you have to understand that. That's why it's reached the point that it has. I do believe though that if (And it's probably a big if) he clicks with the therapists and CBT makes sense to him it'll have a great effect on his life.

dannyc31

hi pollyperks

i guess i was being a little hard suggesting you liked the way he was because he was shy and easy to control. i do see you actually care about him alot and want him to make the best of himself.

the point i'd make thou is, this seems like an odd basis to a relationship. i mean, its almost like a doctor patient relationship with you being the doctor and him being the patient. this has to be a very draining scenario. from my experiences the relationships that work best are because both people are just themselves with each other and its easy/comfortable. i dont mean easy as in no arguments etc all couples should fight now and again. i mean easy from the point of view that their core self matches the other person and they are totally comfortable will all those parts of each others persona.

i mean when he acts all overly needy with you, i'm sure it makes you uncomfortable aswell as frustrated and that is'nt good. that would only get worse in time.

you say you attended CBT for over a year yourself was that because of issues with this current relationship? has the CBT had a lasting effect on yourself?

lastly it all comes down to your boyfriend. if he is really determined to change, and i mean for himself and no-one else, then maybe it can happen thru CBT. but as you said yourself we are all products of our experiences, and there maybe just some parts of his personality that are just him at his core. his default position if you like, everyone has one and no amount of CBT can change a person from who they are to who they would aspire to be imo. its therapy not magic.

i do think it definitely can help but the biggest changes has to come from him, he might find that when going to therapy he's not getting results fast enough and may get frustrated that the therapy is'nt just "wave a magic wand and you'll be a brand new man". he has to realise if he really wants to change he will have to do 85% of it by himself the therapist will just direct him and teach him the techniques.

anyway hope something works out for you both, no-one should ever have so little confidence in themselves, its not healthy.