Things can never be as good....

LegacyUser

Hi,

Just seeking a bit of advice as I feel totally helpless in this situation. Basically I'm out of my first long term relationship recently. It lasted 4 years (18-22) My other half was the love of my life, I was absolutely mad about her. Never met someone before who completely gets me, and never thought I would find someone I had such a connection with and she was beautiful too and sadly im nothing special in the looks department.

Now that we've been broken up for a good few months I should be getting better. But things are getting worse. No matter what I do such as keeping busy, booking holidays with friends, etc etc, I can't stop coming back to this thought that I'll never meet someone like this again. I'll have a good night out or something, but just keep coming back to the thought that I'll never find someone with this connection again. I honestly coulda seen myself with her for good and now she's gone and I know I'll never get her back. I know it all sounds so sappy but It's really getting me down. Any advice on getting rid of this feeling would help. I know a couple of lads only slightly older than me who are still moping over ex's 3 years down the line. I don't want this to get me down much longer, but it won't go away. Appreciate any help.

Mousewar

It's normal enough to feel this way but you're very young. It was your first serious relationship and so when it ends it feels like the end of the world. As you get older, you'll recognise it for what it was - a meaningful relationship but not the summation of your whole life. You might brood on the amazing future that you think you've lost but that's just a fiction. Not to be negative, but you could have married this girl and been miserable. I'm sure that's hard to imagine now given your feelings for the girl but sadly it happens to many many couples.

As far as no longer being tortured by your thoughts, the best way to stop thinking about something that is upsetting you is to stop thinking about it. You control your thoughts - they're not just entities bouncing around inside your head that you have to suffer through helplessly. You're young and free with a whole life of possibilities ahead. Concentrate on that.

djimi

At 22 you have a lot of living to do yet; you will meet someone else! There is an old saying "the best way to get over a girl is to get under another"; it may be crude but there is some truth in it! Try and put your ex out of your mind and go out and meet some new girls. Dont be comparing them to the ex or trying to have with them what you had with the ex; each relationship is different and a new relationship is exciting so view it as such.

Just relax and give it time. Put your ex to the back of your mind and try to move on (goes without saying but if you really want to move on then cut all contact, for a while at least, if you have not already done so). It will get easier, but only if you dont spend your time pining and thinking about your ex. Lads who find it hard to get over girlfriends cant move on because they wont let themselves move on.

mkhall

I have been through a similar situation, my ex and I broke up after five years together (when I was 23) and I thought it was the end of the world. After the initial break up I was upset, but like you it seemed to get worse after a couple months. I put it down to denial and the novelty of being newly single, which is probably why you might feel it is getting worse now. Just know that it does get easier. You're doing the right thing by having nights out, booking holidays, and things with your mates. It's important to do things that distract yourself. Really the only thing that heals is time, I know you probably don't want to hear that I agree with mouse, the first breakup is always the worst and its natural to feel like its the end of the world. For me, I found it important to grieve for a while, even though no one has died, it is a still loss and its important to grieve this. But after that, I got out there and did things that I couldn't do with him, such as travelling/study abroad/etc and learned to be my own person aside from him. You may have been used to a routine with her as well, so you could be missing that. Sometimes when you are a part of a couple for that long, you can forget how to function on your own, which is why I think it's important for you to get out there and do things that you enjoy. Like mouse said, you could have married that girl/been with her another few years and things might not have worked out down the line, causing even worse heartbreak. You have to believe that maybe it was a lucky escape and everything happens for a reason. I went on to date (and still am in the process!) several guys and look at it as a learning experience to have better relationships in the future by not making the same mistakes. To be honest, you may feel sad for a while but it will get easier. I am now 27 and dating a lovely guy and needless to say, I've realized that my ex really wasn't for me. Breakups happen for a reason. Like mouse said as well, you are young and have a whole world of possibilities ahead of you. Hang in there and also, know that sometimes good things fall apart so better things can come together!

LegacyUser

mkhall wrote: »

I have been through a similar situation, my ex and I broke up after five years together (when I was 23) and I thought it was the end of the world. After the initial break up I was upset, but like you it seemed to get worse after a couple months. I put it down to denial and the novelty of being newly single, which is probably why you might feel it is getting worse now. Just know that it does get easier. You're doing the right thing by having nights out, booking holidays, and things with your mates. It's important to do things that distract yourself. Really the only thing that heals is time, I know you probably don't want to hear that I agree with mouse, the first breakup is always the worst and its natural to feel like its the end of the world. For me, I found it important to grieve for a while, even though no one has died, it is a still loss and its important to grieve this. But after that, I got out there and did things that I couldn't do with him, such as travelling/study abroad/etc and learned to be my own person aside from him. You may have been used to a routine with her as well, so you could be missing that. Sometimes when you are a part of a couple for that long, you can forget how to function on your own, which is why I think it's important for you to get out there and do things that you enjoy. Like mouse said, you could have married that girl/been with her another few years and things might not have worked out down the line, causing even worse heartbreak. You have to believe that maybe it was a lucky escape and everything happens for a reason. I went on to date (and still am in the process!) several guys and look at it as a learning experience to have better relationships in the future by not making the same mistakes. To be honest, you may feel sad for a while but it will get easier. I am now 27 and dating a lovely guy and needless to say, I've realized that my ex really wasn't for me. Breakups happen for a reason. Like mouse said as well, you are young and have a whole world of possibilities ahead of you. Hang in there and also, know that sometimes good things fall apart so better things can come together!

OP here again

cheers for the replies. I know im doing good by keeping busy and all that stuff but I can't get rid of the feeling of emptiness. She was a huge part of my life and I loved her to bits, what if I never meet anyone that I have such a connection with again? It's very likely. I was punching above my weight with her too. Never felt so happy as I did in the 3 years we were together. Been texting a few girls and all and that hasn't really helped. All thoughts keep coming back to her....

flowerchild

I think you should listen to yourself and trust your instincts. Get back together with her.

dgt

OP, I've just entered the same situation as you. My girlfriend finished with me yesterday. We were going out for nearly 2 years. I am the same age as you. If I'm honest, I'm gutted. She was the love of my life, we made each other so happy, never a dull moment. Quite literally perfection it seemed! But clearly not don't see the point of a new thread as it's the exact same thing...

She hinted of possibly getting back in the future. She broke up for similar reasons as mkhall gave; wanted to do things she couldn't do with me (hope you don't mind mkhall )

I'm currently getting mixed feelings. One minute I'm in bits, next it's lets move foreward and forget the whole lot. Currently as I write this I feel like I want to throw up

I've been in this situation before when I was 19. I was in bits for months, could not get over my then ex. But I got back up, did new things (body building, went back to college etc), went out with my friends and whilst I still hankered after that one special girl, I certainly wasn't thinking of my ex

Onwards and upwards OP. Always remember, there's someone else out there in a worse position

flowerchild

sunflower27 wrote: »

Embrace your future. Looking back at what was is a total waste.

I so disagree.

I married the man that was once a long term relationship in my past. And we have been very very happy.

So I am a living example that if you still think about her it is not too late to act on it, however long ago you were together.

Trust your reactions. Be true to your hopes and dreams.

Mousewar

flowerchild wrote: »

I so disagree.

I married the man that was once a long term relationship in my past. And we have been very very happy.

So I am a living example that if you still think about her it is not too late to act on it, however long ago you were together.

Trust your reactions. Be true to your hopes and dreams.

Great stuff - now go post this somewhere where it's actually relevant.

Ickle Magoo

Mousewar, if you think a post is in breach of the forum charter then report it - do not indulge in back-seat moderation.

PI exists so that posters can get a range of civil, mature and constructive advice from a range of posters who will be at different stages of life and have different life experiences - it is up to the OP to decide which advice is relevant to them.

If you haven't already done so, please take the time to read the [URL=" http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056181484"]forum rules[/URL] in the charter.

Many thanks.



As per site policy, if you have an issue with any moderator instruction or request please contact a relevant moderator via PM - DO NOT drag the thread further off-topic by responding on-thread

LegacyUser

unfortunately getting back with her isn't an option. things ended very badly between us and we have completely stopped contact. i said some things i shouldn't have to her and even friendship would be completely out of the question. just wish i could move on properly. struggling to cope with how badly i miss her. and to the poster who said the best way to get over a girl is get under another, i actually think you could be right. shame it ain't that easy to just go out and get a girl at the click of a finger.

Novella

ItWon'tBeTheSame wrote: »

unfortunately getting back with her isn't an option. things ended very badly between us and we have completely stopped contact. i said some things i shouldn't have to her and even friendship would be completely out of the question. just wish i could move on properly. struggling to cope with how badly i miss her. and to the poster who said the best way to get over a girl is get under another, i actually think you could be right. shame it ain't that easy to just go out and get a girl at the click of a finger.

Do you really think that would help you? Going out and sleeping with a girl you have absolutely no feelings for just for the sake of being able to say that you've been with somebody since your ex? Personally, I don't think that would help at all. In fact, I imagine it would possibly leave you feeling worse and more empty.

The only thing that can help you here is time, and know that with time, you will feel better. It probably seems like you're always going to miss her and that you're never going to be happy again, but you will be happy. You just need to let yourself go through these feelings, process the hurt and move on.

LegacyUser

Novella wrote: »

Do you really think that would help you? Going out and sleeping with a girl you have absolutely no feelings for just for the sake of being able to say that you've been with somebody since your ex? Personally, I don't think that would help at all. In fact, I imagine it would possibly leave you feeling worse and more empty.

The only thing that can help you here is time, and know that with time, you will feel better. It probably seems like you're always going to miss her and that you're never going to be happy again, but you will be happy. You just need to let yourself go through these feelings, process the hurt and move on.

Why wouldn't it help though? It's a petty way to think, but she's obviously done something similar so why shouldn't I? I'm not usually the type to do that but if it helped then I would.

But I will try take your advice with the whole time being the healer. It's just annoying because you think I'd be over it a few months on as opposed to still moping over the girl. Just feels like such a waste of time even thinking about these things but as it is I can't help it

dgt

OP today was difficult for me. However currently I feel much better after talking about it to many different people

Here is a single post of mine from another part of Boards

To quote the main message and point:

me wrote:

After today I feel much better. Got talking to many different people with different advice on the situation and I've learned so much today. Really opened my eyes most importantly, I learned time heals all. I can't rush that, must learn to slow down in life. Enjoy things once more, time for myself now and again I have a very busy lifestyle alone between college, reserves and maintaining the fleet... Other stuff squeezed in too I never have time to myself, ever, always busy doing something

My gut instinct is for her is diminishing bit by bit. She suggested that there might be a future for us in due time when she's ready but I'm not holding my breath. She needs to stand up for what's right, for herself like I did for us on many occasions. She needs to make a decision for her happiness, make her own decisions without any influence from other people... but I'm not going into the last part... Essentially I can't see anything happening until she moves out of her parents house and gets her own place. I feel that her mind isn't matured enough to deal with a relationship along with juggling work, college and minding siblings. Then I might just consider it if she asks but I'll have to do a lot of thinking about it, I can't have her breaking my heart again. I guess its natural to think like this at this stage (only my cars are allowed to break my heart btw )

I just need time to adjust and move on. Last time a major break up happened when I was 19, I thought that was it, I'd never meet another one like her etc... Much more gutted. Downed a bottle of whiskey and made an ass of myself in the local pub. All for what? Nothing. Pointless. Now I can't stand the sight of her in public! And when I first met my now ex, she was 1000 times better then everyone else before, fatal attraction from the night we met! So my way of looking at it is if I put enough effort in I'll find someone else, in due time. When I feel ready, I'll be hitting the pubs and clubs, getting back out there once more, find a new drinking buddy etc

It's comforting to know that there are people out there prepared to listen to stuff like this on a daily basis, to try and help others through tough times. I'm so grateful to those people

I hope this experience of mine helps you OP. Remember, there are others out there in a similar position as yourself, similar reasons or not they are in the same boat. It's very miserable but it happens

We are here to help each other through it. Always remember, there will be always people out there to help you when you need it most

LegacyUser

dgt wrote: »

OP today was difficult for me. However currently I feel much better after talking about it to many different people

Here is a single post of mine from another part of Boards

To quote the main message and point:



I hope this experience of mine helps you OP. Remember, there are others out there in a similar position as yourself, similar reasons or not they are in the same boat. It's very miserable but it happens

We are here to help each other through it. Always remember, there will be always people out there to help you when you need it most

Yes there are people in the same boat as me and I recognize that, but the fact that its months since we broke up and im still feeling so bad is what gets to me. I know I should just cop on and snap outta it, but most of my friends are in relationships now so its making it even more difficult to move on. Nights out are few and far between (once or twice every 2 weeks) and at the age Im at, most people are out 3 times a week.

Mousewar

ItWon'tBeTheSame wrote: »

Yes there are people in the same boat as me and I recognize that, but the fact that its months since we broke up and im still feeling so bad is what gets to me. I know I should just cop on and snap outta it, but most of my friends are in relationships now so its making it even more difficult to move on. Nights out are few and far between (once or twice every 2 weeks) and at the age Im at, most people are out 3 times a week.

Bear in mind mate that there are pluses and minuses to every situation. I'm married and am happy but there are things you can do that I can't. You're free and single. You can travel, go live in another country, buy what you like, etc. I know there are things about being in the relationship that you miss but as with anything in life, it's better for you to concentrate on the good things rather than the bad ones.
Again, you're down because you keep thinking about it. But you do control your own mind. You get to choose what you think about. That's your power, no one else's.

flowerchild

ItWon'tBeTheSame wrote: »

unfortunately getting back with her isn't an option. things ended very badly between us and we have completely stopped contact. i said some things i shouldn't have to her and even friendship would be completely out of the question. just wish i could move on properly. struggling to cope with how badly i miss her

That's a shame. One of the reasons I was able to get back together with my (now) husband was that he has broken up so well, and without aminosity, even though he had not initiated it. I felt high levels of trust in him because I had seen him at his most disappointed and it was impressive.

Maybe one option is to put aside your disappointment and give some thought to who you want to be as a person, both when things are going your way in relationships, and when they are not. Write down what you would do differently, if you had your time again, including in the break-up phase. When we take take the positive learnings about ourselves into the future it can be easier to let go the negative emotions and just move on.