what gift to give as CBM?

thalia_13

I am CBM for a friend in two months time. The things the bride are paying for is the bm dress and my accomodation the night of the wedding. As the wedding is in the other end of thr country I need to travel down the night before for rehrsals etc. accom is €a140 pp per night. Ive to pay this myself thats ok. Ive to pay for my shoes, my hair apt and my makeup. am expected to pay €100 for the dress alterations.

Now I am not earning alot, the bride does she has bought jimmy choo shoes and accessorirs for her dress as well as a €900 dress for the next day. I was planning on givibg a generous gift but now I am paying out so much to be bridesmaid I am thinking I may just give 100 as a gift. Is that ok??? I am really worried that will appear scabby soeven tho I am paying over 300 to be a bm

What do ye think is suitable as a gift? My othr friend thinks I am being scrrwed over by the bride especially as I ensured her hen was covered and she didnt pay for anything. Now I find out I have to pay my own way and im so worried about being broke by this wedding :-(

Penny Dreadful

thalia_13 wrote: »

I am CBM for a friend in two months time. The things the bride are paying for is the bm dress and my accomodation the night of the wedding. As the wedding is in the other end of thr country I need to travel down the night before for rehrsals etc. accom is €a140 pp per night. Ive to pay this myself thats ok. Ive to pay for my shoes, my hair apt and my makeup. am expected to pay €100 for the dress alterations.

Now I am not earning alot, the bride does she has bought jimmy choo shoes and accessorirs for her dress as well as a €900 dress for the next day. I was planning on givibg a generous gift but now I am paying out so much to be bridesmaid I am thinking I may just give 100 as a gift. Is that ok??? I am really worried that will appear scabby soeven tho I am paying over 300 to be a bm

What do ye think is suitable as a gift? My othr friend thinks I am being scrrwed over by the bride especially as I ensured her hen was covered and she didnt pay for anything. Now I find out I have to pay my own way and im so worried about being broke by this wedding :-(

€100 is more than enough.
I'm getting married in a couple of weeks and am having one bridesmaid. I'm paying for her shoes(which were also her present as they are Louboutins), dress, alterations to her dress, nails, hair, make up and fake tan. I'm not paying for her accomodation in the hotel that night though but it will only cost €65 pp for her sharing with her boyfriend so I think thats ok.

wildflower

omg i cant believe she buying herself louboutins and not even getting ur alterations or hair andf make up done- bad form. i have 4 bms and im getting all dresses, shoes, accessories- nothin fancy tho. also paying for some to stay in hotel- some are broke and just explained to the ones that cud afford it and they didnt mind at all. paying for 2 hair and make ups as the others have kiddies and are staying home that morn- but i offered to all of them. im not buying them gifts tho- as they picked their own dresses and they will def be able to wear again and getting to keep the brooch bouquets.

in saying that i was bm a few yrs ago and we had to buy our own 350euro dresses and shoes, get our own hair and make up, no roooms paid for and no gifts. thought it was a bit tight to be honest but i still gave them 200e gift but i had a plus 1, i think 100 is loads nowadays, but i would ask her to pay for alterations and ur hair and make up or tell her u will meet her at the church and do ur own!

thalia_13

Wow you are buying your bm louboutins?? Im not getting a gift, my
dress is the gift probably why I have to pay my alterations... I dont care Im not getting a gift was so thrilled she asked me to be CBM... God so it wont be cheap
for to only give €100 gift??
At least I dont have to pay Accom the 3 other bms have to pay for their alterations tan hair makeup and shoes as well as Accom.

tinkerbell

thalia_13 wrote: »

Wow you are buying your bm louboutins?? Im not getting a gift, my
dress is the gift probably why I have to pay my alterations... I dont care Im not getting a gift was so thrilled she asked me to be CBM... God so it wont be cheap
for to only give €100 gift??
At least I dont have to pay Accom the 3 other bms have to pay for their alterations tan hair makeup and shoes as well as Accom.

Hold on, so you reckon your bridesmaid dress is a gift? :eek: If the bride is making you think that, then ignore her! A bridesmaid dress is NOT a gift - she is specifying what she wants you to wear, it might even be something you would never wear.

From all the expense you are going to, I would get her a very small token. Paying for your own alterations is REALLY cheeky. I'd be inclined to just give her a card with a small present worth like €50 or something since she is being so stingy about it, especially when she can buy herself Jimmy Choos yet expects you to pay for the alterations and everything else!

beltzar

Thats madness. Buy her a small thoughtful gift, like some Newbridge salt/pepper set. Something under €50! You are being asked to pay for WAY too much in my opinion.
I am paying for the bridesmaid (only 1 thankfully) dress, hair, makeup, room (for her and her husband) and another room for her 2 kids, shoes AND jewellery.
And I'm not having a HEN so the bridesmaid so far has nothing to do.

Honestly, pick up small house gift, try to get something sentimental for their house, MAX €50.

Being CBM is more than enough I think!

pooch90

Not a hope I would give a cash present in this instance.

I would find something cheap and sentimental and that would be her present. Whether it's sentimental to you as friends or for her and H2B.

Why throw more money at them? You're spending more than enough cash and time for 'the honour' of being CBM.

Penny Dreadful

thalia_13 wrote: »

Wow you are buying your bm louboutins?? Im not getting a gift, my
dress is the gift probably why I have to pay my alterations... I dont care Im not getting a gift was so thrilled she asked me to be CBM... God so it wont be cheap
for to only give €100 gift??
At least I dont have to pay Accom the 3 other bms have to pay for their alterations tan hair makeup and shoes as well as Accom.

My bridesmaid is my sister and I was always going to get her a present anyway. I knew she would need shoes to wear with the dress and was going to be buying them reagardless. Then I knew she'd love Louboutins and so decided that the shoes would work perfectly as her present. She was thrilled skinny and couldn't believe it. She is a great sister and I wanted to do something nice for her.

tinkerbell wrote: »

Hold on, so you reckon your bridesmaid dress is a gift? :eek: If the bride is making you think that, then ignore her! A bridesmaid dress is NOT a gift - she is specifying what she wants you to wear, it might even be something you would never wear.
QUOTE]

Totally agree. A bridesmaid wears what the bride picks out (usually, in my case both my sister and I happen to adore her dress and as it is in no way bridesmaidy she will certainly be able to wear it again and again its so fabulous) and looks as the bride wants her to look. That is in no way a present of any sort.

Glitter

OP, that is some cheek how much you're being asked to pay for yourself when money is clearly not much of an issue for her and her Jimmy Choos.

I'm having four bridesmaids (bit excessive I know, first one in my circle to get married and everyone wants a go. ), and I'm paying for their dresses, jewellery and hair. We're all doing our own make up, even me.

I'm also paying for the CBM to stay overnight in the hotel with me the night before.

I have asked them pay for their own shoes and they're okay with that.

The venue is in Dublin and quite central so I'm not paying for accommodation for the night of the wedding. I do wish we had the budget to but that's beyond our means. I think most of them will stay anyway.

The hen will be an afternoon activity in Dublin followed by dinner and drinks - no overnights required there either.

Gatica

I think it's unfair to assume if she got designer shoes that she's loaded. It's a wedding and she may have been saving for ages to have the shoes she dreamt of, or got them on a sale. (though 900 for a day after dress does sound excessive!)

Either way, the OP has already spent a lot of her money/resources for wedding related activities like hens and rehearsals. You certainly shouldn't have had to pay for your alterations, that is defo out of order. I would give a small token gift if I were you and a card wishing them well. There's no need to put yourself to more expense over this. Hopefully your friend will understand.

grumpymunster

Penny Dreadful wrote: »

€100 is more than enough.
I'm getting married in a couple of weeks and am having one bridesmaid. I'm paying for her shoes(which were also her present as they are Louboutins), dress, alterations to her dress, nails, hair, make up and fake tan. I'm not paying for her accomodation in the hotel that night though but it will only cost €65 pp for her sharing with her boyfriend so I think thats ok.

Getting married in August also paying for the dresses, alterations, shoes, make up, hair and tans for two BM's and 3 dont know what you call them BM's helpers / assistants? (I am the groom so pardon my ignorance of such things).

They are paying for their own room though

thalia_13

I would love to say she bought them on sale but she didnt!! And has literally jyst now texted me a pic of a pair of €250 shoes she purchased to cheer herself up!!! Im finding its leaving a really sour taste in my mouth, I dont begrudge her the ability to afford all these lovely shoes but she knows how broke I am!!! And then landing me with all this cost?my other friends think she is taking advantage of my good nature and always has...
This is really upsetting me now I am so grateful for all your impartial points of view because anyone else I speak to about get really upset and angry on my behslf..,


Thanks all

tinkerbell

OP, this is bloody ridiculous. Your friend is completely taking the piss here. To say that she's texting you a photo of a pair of €250 shoes she bought herself just to "cheer herself up" while knowing that you are broke is completely obvious that she's a selfish stuck up cow who likes to rub it in your face that she has lots of money and you don't.

You need to tell her that you CANNOT afford to pay for all this stuff anymore. You need to tell her that if she wants you there on the day, she will be paying for the following:

- reimbursing you for the alterations
- tell her you will not be able to afford to stay the night before so she either (a) has to pay for you to stay in the hotel or (b) you will stay in a cheap B&B nearby or (c) you will travel down the morning of the wedding. OP you are NOT needed for a rehearsal. The only people needed for a rehearsal are the bride, groom and priest, nobody else.
- she is to pay for your shoes as presumably if you were going as a guest you could buy your own cheap pair or wear a pair you have already
- if she expects your hair and makeup to be done a certain way, then she has to pay for it. Otherwise you will be doing your own hair & makeup.

Oh and I would not give her any gift because she's acting like a total stuck-up wagon. If she refuses any of that, well say that you won't be able to be her bridesmaid.

ynul31f47k6b59

Ah here, OP, are you being serious? Because I've no idea why you would still even want to be in the Bridal party, let alone be considering a gift.

I'm not having a hen, I'm having 2 bridesmaids, getting married in October, and they do not have to put a hand in their pocket apart from their accommodation, which they'd have been paying for if they were guests anyway. I've covered hair, make-up, dresses, alterations, shoes, bags, wraps, earrings, and gifts - boots vouchers, wine glasses, and jewellery. I'd be MORTIFIED if I cost one of my Bridesmaids anything extra just because they're bridesmaids. I've done all the wedding prep on my own and not asked anything of them, they just have to turn up on the day.

Don't give a gift, and get her to pay for alterations.
+1 on not travelling down the night before. €140 to basically attend a rehearsal? Ridiculous.

Gatica

thalia_13 wrote: »

I would love to say she bought them on sale but she didnt!! And has literally jyst now texted me a pic of a pair of €250 shoes she purchased to cheer herself up!!! Im finding its leaving a really sour taste in my mouth, I dont begrudge her the ability to afford all these lovely shoes but she knows how broke I am!!! And then landing me with all this cost?my other friends think she is taking advantage of my good nature and always has...
This is really upsetting me now I am so grateful for all your impartial points of view because anyone else I speak to about get really upset and angry on my behslf..,


Thanks all

wow... that really puts a whole new light on things. Either she really is all that oblivious to the feelings and needs of those around her or she is as tinkerbell has described her, stuck up and ouright selfish.

Definitely tell her you can't afford alterations on your dress for the wedding and explain that you can't afford to stay the night before the wedding. She should've made sure you dress was the right size to start with. I've never heard of bridesmaid alterations unless they were chinese dresses gone wrong (I stand to be corrected on this).

December2012

He finances are her own business, and yours are your business.

I would stop thinking so much about it or it will ruin your friendship.

Being a cbm is not a job, you don't get paid, it is an honour and a favour to your friend.

Enjoy your friendship and stop looking for bad things about your friend. Sometimes friends are in different financial circumstances.

When working I make much more money than my friends. But I don't spend it on designer clothes or shoes.

They buy more shoes and clothes than me.

Usually on credit, which I don't.

So judging friends or family in any situation about spending is always going to create crp, so don't engage in it.

Stick with your original plan. 100€ is a lovely gift.

Toots

My BM dresses had to have alterations done but they were very minor ie taking the hems up slightly and minor adjustments to the straps so that they sat in line with bra straps. This was because the dresses were ordered in the same store where I got my dress and they all come in a standard length which is for someone who is 5'6". It was certainly nothing like €100 per dress though and I wouldn't have dreamed of getting the girls to pay for their alterations.

I think if you're asking someone to be your bridesmaid, they shouldn't have to pay to do it. If she "couldn't afford" to pay for the alterations to your dresses, then she should have chosen different dresses. I've never heard of BMs being asked to pay for their alterations, she has some cheek to ask. Also, it's customary for the girls to keep the dresses, that's not really a gift.

Honestly, if I was in your position I wouldn't be giving a cash gift, not out of spitefulness, but because I genuinely wouldn't be able to afford it. If I was the bride and my cbm was being put to such expense, I wouldn't be expecting a gift either. You could get her a nice gift that looks more expensive than it is, and a nice card. Honestly, I wouldn't be putting yourself under any more financial pressure over this. If you do give €100 as a gift it is extremely generous.

thalia_13

Thanks all. I am gonna let it slide. Generally its all my friends and family who are so irked hy the bridrs behaviour, and although it didnt bother me too much at first I guess having them take such offence kinda rubbed off on me.
Mainly because they highlighted loads of other incidents, isnt that always thw way?? Anyways I have 2 months to either find a nice meaningful present or just give her 100cash.

Thanks all, appreciate everyones time taken to reply

thalia_13

And apologies for typos... New phone with weird asdf keyboard :-(

tinkerbell

OP, I think you are very foolish to just let this slide. But it's up to you. The bride is being a complete unreasonable selfish cow and she doesn't give two hoots about you if she's putting you to this much expense and also rubbing it in your face about how she can afford expensive things. There is no way in hell she'd be getting €100 if I were you. But at the end of the day, tis your decision.

thalia_13

Thanks Tinkerbell I am going to let it slide for now.. I dont think saying anything to her will change it, its opened my eyes to her and to how I have always let her behaviour slide before.

I dont want people to think I begrudge her wages and ability to buy fancy things, thats not ehat its about. Its how she seems to so completely unaware how much cost she is putting on us nor does she care! She has always been self involved more fool me for continuing to bend over backwards for her for the past few years. After the wedding I eill be attempting to not be such a softie... And im still undecided what to buy her!

Toots

thalia_13 wrote: »

And im still undecided what to buy her!

How about this?

Gatica

mollybird

toots that was class. lolol. OP like everyone else i'm seriously pissed off on how your being treated. no way hell on earth would i do that to anyone i felt was important enough to be in my bridal party. my MOH has said she doesn't want me paying for any stuff like her hair, make up etc. she lives in town so won't be staying at the hotel. i def be paying for a few bits for her. i won't let her away with it. there will be the odd things i won't be paying for as i am a bride like most..on a budget. like shoes or jewelary. think i will pay for their bags though.