Caught boyfriend watching porn for 2nd time- i dont feel angry anymore :(

LegacyUser

Hi, I am in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost 4 years. We are in our mid-20s. He is Irish and I am Asian. We work together (sharing same work place). We are living together since last year. He is a very loving person, and likewise for me to him. Sexlife-wise, he has more sex-drive than me, but we never have any problem. Apologies if I post too much, but I'm hoping to make my situation clear. I'll explain the situation first.
Last year, one evening, I caught him watching porn in the work place. I was angry because we had conversation about it before and he mentioned that he doesn't watch it anymore after we start dating, so I felt cheated. He said that he had an urge to do it and so he did. He said that it's not for pleasure- he just want to see it. After a long discussion, he promised not to do it again, and that he felt ashamed/ stupid watching it.
Yesterday evening, I caught him again. He was looking on a porn page, about to select video to watch. My heart shattered.. I felt dissappointed and sad. We haven't talk much since then, even about this issue. I just don't feel like talking about it anymore.. I know that if we talk, he would promise again not to watch it, and might end up breaking the promise again.. I asked how often he watched porn without my knowledge since I first caught him, and he said he never did until yesterday, and I don't know what to believe..
Coming from a different custom, porn and masturbation is something that I am unused to.. While I would understand teenagers and people who are not in a relationship do those, I don't undestand why someone who has a partner, would satisfy him/herself through porn. Is porn something that most people here watch? Am I wrong to not liking my partner watch porn? What should I do...
I am beginning to think that I am not good enough for my partner.. I am naturally slim built, not gifted at all on the chest and bum area, and I am worried that my partner is not satisfied with me.. I did have confidence issue with my body before, and he was very understanding about this.. who knows that deep down he is dissapointed, hence he resort to porn when the urge strikes..? I feel depress today.. I don't know what to do, and I don't know who to talk to, please help me..

Taltos

All - please keep your replies on topic. Debates as to the rights/wrongs with porn will just result in this thread being closed and/or warnings/infractions/bans being issued for off-topic posting.

Thanks
Taltos

SunnyDub1

rubaru wrote: »

Is porn something that most people here watch? Am I wrong to not liking my partner watch porn? What should I do...
I am beginning to think that I am not good enough for my partner.. I am naturally slim built, not gifted at all on the chest and bum area, and I am worried that my partner is not satisfied with me.. .

To be honest with you Op I think you are over reacting.
A lot of if not all guys married,engaged, have children etc watch porn. It can seem quite strange but it's very normal.
It's not like hes out cheating on you. He has to have a personal time to, and if that's what he likes to do in is free time then I think you should just try and accept it.

It doesn't mean he doesn't find or attractive or doesn't love you. Porn is just a fantasy is not real life. It doesn't mean he loves you any less or finds you unattractive - try not to beat yourself up over it.

morgans303

These days, with the internet, a lot of guys are addicted to porn, the same as people can be addicted to cigarettes. Some couples try watching it together to bond more, if you want to feel more included.

Lux23

He's entitled to watch it as far as I am concerned, it really doesn't mean there is any problem with your relationship.

P. Breathnach

One thing should be obvious: a lot of people watch porn; it's a huge part of internet traffic. It's a fair guess that men watch porn more than women do.

The norm is that it is a private pleasure. Most people are embarrassed to admit to others that they are interested. So your boyfriend's reaction to being caught is understandable. You say you don't know if you can believe him; I'm with you there - he has a motive to lie and, to be fair, it's not necessarily a harmful lie.

Is watching porn harmful? My own belief (as a non-expert) is that in most cases it is not.

Is his watching porn a reflection on you? Again, as a non-expert, I offer you the opinion that it is not. And please do not think that being slim and trim is some sort of deficiency: many of us men like that.

You don't have to like his watching porn, but if you accept that it may well happen again, and he has the good grace not to be in your face about it, then it might well do no damage to your relationship.

LegacyUser

To SunnyDub1, morgan303 and Lux23,

Thank you for your replies. I was very confused and not sure what I should do. Getting opinions from you helps. While it break my heart to come to realization that this is what many people do, my partner included, I think I should accept and open my mind about this.

Toots

Just because he's watching porn doesn't mean he's not attracted to you. For a lot of people it's just about the fantasy and the detachment, it's just a quick fix without any emotion involved. A lot of people I know in relationships will still look at porn from time to time. TBH, instead of worrying that you're not attractive to him, I'd be concerned that he was looking at porn in work. Most companies take a pretty dim view of that and if he's caught he could be in big trouble.

LegacyUser

P. Breathnach wrote: »

One thing should be obvious: a lot of people watch porn; it's a huge part of internet traffic. It's a fair guess that men watch porn more than women do.

The norm is that it is a private pleasure. Most people are embarrassed to admit to others that they are interested. So your boyfriend's reaction to being caught is understandable. You say you don't know if you can believe him; I'm with you there - he has a motive to lie and, to be fair, it's not necessarily a harmful lie.

Is watching porn harmful? My own belief (as a non-expert) is that in most cases it is not.

Is his watching porn a reflection on you? Again, as a non-expert, I offer you the opinion that it is not. And please do not think that being slim and trim is some sort of deficiency: many of us men like that.

You don't have to like his watching porn, but if you accept that it may well happen again, and he has the good grace not to be in your face about it, then it might well do no damage to your relationship.

Thank you very much for your reply. My partner mentioned that he watched porn not because he is unhappy about me, but its just an urge, its something that he felt like doing at that time. As you suggest, I did realize at the back of my head that this not a reflection of me, but as someone who doesn't watch porn I could not make the connection. But I think I am slowly understanding this now.

And yes, after I caught him the first time and he promised not to do it again, I made it clear to him that I think that that would not be the last time he watch porn. This morning when we briefly talk about it he made the promise again, and I told him that I don't want him to make promise anymore and that I don't care if he watches it again. I just wish I never known this though.

Dinxminx

As a girl who sometimes watches porn I think that seeing his watching of porn as a reflection of some perceived dissatisfaction with you is the wrong way to view it. I love my boyfriend and he keeps me very satisfied but if I feel like watching porn one day it has nothing to do with him - just mindless fun! If it makes you feel that uncomfortable maybe suggest watching it together? You might enjoy yourself!

P. Breathnach

rubaru wrote: »

...I told him that I don't want him to make promise anymore and that I don't care if he watches it again.

Good for you! But you don't have to go so far as approving; toleration is enough.

I just wish I never known this though.

Understandable. That's why many men don't tell their partners that they look at porn.

Piliger

Hi OP. As a guy of 50 I do understand your upset and confusion. This is a very difficult subject for a lot of women.

Firstly we are now living in the age of the internet and the truth is that every country in the world now has access to online porn and there is no culture that does not view it. It is just less spoken of in some than others.

You say he has a higher sex drive than you so it would appear that his interest in porn does not lessen his appreciation of sex with you at all.

Women spend a huge amount of time looking at glossy fashion magazines that are strewn with male hunks as well as the female models. It is not directly comparable but it does not mean they prefer those guys to their partners. It just means they like looking at beautiful fit guys.

Men are extremely visually driven, in a way that most women are not. Men are also explorers. As such most men will always want to look at 'fantasy' women as part of a natural normal fantasy life.

I don't believe it is ANY reflection on you, or your figure, or your attractiveness or sexiness. Honestly.

It is very important that you keep an open dialogue with him on this subject in my opinion, and not drive it into a secret behaviour. That way you will know about his interests and level of need for this kind of entertainment.

I would only be concerned if he is becoming addicted to porn, or interested in kinds of porn that might upset you. Or if he wants you to do things that make you uncomfortable.

This is why you really need to talk to him about this subject and keep it out in the open, at least as a topic of conversation.

Best of luck.

aidan24326

rubaru wrote: »

To SunnyDub1, morgan303 and Lux23,

Thank you for your replies. I was very confused and not sure what I should do. Getting opinions from you helps. While it break my heart to come to realization that this is what many people do, my partner included, I think I should accept and open my mind about this.

Yes you do need to open your mind just a little. Watching porn is pretty harmless once it's not an addiction, and there's no evidence that your bf is addicted.

It really is just harmless mindless fun, and it in no way whatsoever reflects badly on you. I have a fabulous girlfriend that I am marrying next year. But do I watch porn sometimes? Yes! And it's a safe bet that almost every guy with an internet connection watches porn at least ocasionally, and you'd have difficulty finding a guy who never does. Nowadays most wives and girlfriends are ok with that, some indulging in it themselves.

You need to try and get over this notion of porn being something 'dirty'. It's just two people having sex on camera, and many guys do find that stimulating, and plenty of girls too. Maybe even you would if you gave it a try. But just remember that it doesn't mean he is any less attracted to you, and if he chooses to masturbate to it now and again he would only be doing what the vast majority of guys (and some girls) do, whether in a relationship or not. You don't have to like it if it really is an issue for you, but just try to accept that it is of no harm to you or to your relationship.

tinkerbell

OP, everyone else has given you good advice already. I'd be far more concerned that he's watching porn in the work place, that is completely unappropriate.

LegacyUser

Thank you everyone for your replies.

Toots* wrote: »

Just because he's watching porn doesn't mean he's not attracted to you. For a lot of people it's just about the fantasy and the detachment, it's just a quick fix without any emotion involved. A lot of people I know in relationships will still look at porn from time to time. TBH, instead of worrying that you're not attractive to him, I'd be concerned that he was looking at porn in work. Most companies take a pretty dim view of that and if he's caught he could be in big trouble.

To Toots and Tinkerbell-
Thank you for your kind concern. We are researchers in a university laboratory, and we spend a lot of time in the lab, including eating and taking nap in a provided space. We use our own laptop and the university intenet connection. At the two times, my partner watches porn in the evening. I am sure he is fine in this regards as there could be other students too doing the same at that same time in their university accommodation.. I should have made it clear though in my post that he is not in a strict working environment.

To Dinxminx-
Hi Dinxminx, glad to receive an advice from a girl. Yes our life is great too and he is very loving, and seeing from others point of view I guess that what my partner was doing is just a passing time activity, and has nothing to do with my physical appearance. I did try it once few years ago but stopped minutes after as I couldn't like it though, I found it uncomfortable. I couldn't bring myself watching porn with my partner also, an example- when nude/lovemaking scenes suddenly appear in normal movies that we were both watching, i would be very embarrassed! I normally just laughed it off though.

To Piliger-
Hi Piliger, thank you for your insight. I can understand that his interest in porn does not affect his interest in me, that this is purely for fun, but being someone that does not need or want to look at porn, this confuses me sometimes. But this is a whole different topic, and seeing that it is a common thing helps. I did express to him before this about my strict view on porn (and masturbation), and while he respects my view, I was determined that he would go my way, hence him keeping this a secret for me. If I have been more open to him, things could have turned out differently. I would have an open heart discussion with him this evening.

aidan24326 wrote: »

It's just two people having sex on camera

This was my problem about porn. Thats why I couldn't understand why people in a relationship watch it. For me, if I want to be stimulated, my partner is there for me. But I agree with you here-

aidan24326 wrote: »

You don't have to like it if it really is an issue for you, but just try to accept that it is of no harm to you or to your relationship.

newuser30

You are never 'wrong' for not liking/agreeing with your partner using porn. You can't help the hurt it makes you feel. The issue is he promised he wouldn't and then broke that promise. That personally would be the main issue here. Its very common and some women accept it, some don't. So you have to decide if you can accept his watching it, because it looks like he is not going to stop, since he promised he wouldn't yet continued. I personally would not accept it in a relationship, but that's my choice, everyone is different. If it bothers you enough you would have to end the relationship, because its not a habit that you can make someone stop. It doesn't sound like its a deal breaker for you though and it sounds like everything else is fine in your relationship, so best thing to do is try not to dwell on it.

username123

Hi OP,
My husband watches porn now and again, I do myself from time to time, Im not that interested in it tbh - maybe because I cant seem to find much of what Id like to watch - I personally find certain aspects of what appears popular to be a turn off rather than a turn on, but I appreciate that other people (like my husband) might like watching it. We watch it together occasionally.

I dont mind at all that he watches it now and then alone. I think whats important is your understanding of what its about. It doesnt mean that he prefers porn star women to you, or that he wants to do what he sees on the screen, or that he is not satisfied etc, it just means that he enjoys porn now and then. Its not about you at all. Its just a bit of idle amusement/turn on. No big deal.

However, I wouldnt be happy that he was watching it in the work place. Theres a time and a place for everything and I dont believe its appropriate to watch porn at work.

x Purple Pawprints x

I'd have to agree with the posters who said to be more concerned that he watches it at work. That could be very risky for him professionally. I think watching porn in his own time is perfectly fine and as the other posters have said, it's no reflection on you and it's just mindless fun. Try to open your mind a little, it might actually bring you and your boyfriend closer together. Watching it at work is a totally different matter though and it's quite innappropriate tbh.

Pa Dee

tinkerbell wrote: »

OP, everyone else has given you good advice already. I'd be far more concerned that he's watching porn in the work place, that is completely unappropriate.

This is very true. There is a good chance if he can't control himself in work he will be found out and get the sack and rightly so

morgans303

I think porn can actually inject some excitement into a long term relationship. Sex with the same person over and over and over might eventually turn bland.

Piliger

re the work thing - this may be because he is trying not to look at it at home because the OP is so upset. That doesn't mean he is obsessed or hooked, just that he may have a high sex drive.

But he needs to stop. He could easily, VERY easily get fired, and get a piss poor reference.

Dinxminx

The OP has already said that his work environment is extremely relaxed and that they have their own space for napping. I don't think the work thing seems to be an issue.

Rubaru, I know you said you tried to watch porn before and it made you uncomfortable. I don't blame you, there is a LOT of porn out there and some of it is awful. But the flipside of this is that there's a LOT of porn! From my experience men and women find different stuff attractive. I know, for example, that there's porn that is made especially for women by women. As username123 said, it can sometimes be hard to find stuff that's more appealing to girls because so much of it is blonde-haired, fake-breasted long-nailed wham-bam-thankyou-ma'am encounters.

Having said that, there really is so much out there and if you flick through something might unexpectedly turn you on. Personally I usually watch girl-on-girl porn. I'm not a lesbian and I'm very happy with my boyfriend, but I find that it gets me hot. It's also generally more... gentle than mainstream porn! It's less about what I'm watching and more about how it makes me feel, if that makes sense.

I know that porn isn't for everyone, and there's no reason you should feel you have to like it, but there's so much variety (really. Everything you can think of!) that it might just be that you've been unlucky in what you've seen. Maybe do a bit of googling on your own. You might get lucky!