she loves me, but why the dishonesty?

LegacyUser

Hi guys, registered user going un-reg here!

2 years ago I met a girl, and didnt take long to fall in love with her, and she loves me too, Im sure of this! It hasnt been possible to be together for all of that time, until now (because of where we live), but I dont know what to do! Ive discovered that she has been dishonest with me over the last while and its bothering me.. I have to point out that we were constantly in contact over this time and always have talked about how much we love each other and cant wait to be together!

First of all, around September of last year, she had told me of a guy she had kissed a few times (nothing wrong with that, we couldnt be together at the time). Nothing much was said about it over the next few months, except for me asking a few times was there anything going on with them, ''are ya still shiftin that lad?'' etc. All I ever got back was no, I asked are you in a relationship with him? ''no just kissed a few times'' was always the reply. Well now I have found out that she was actually in a relationship with this guy for 3 or 4 months. Im angry with this dishonesty. I mean, why wouldnt she just tell me? All the time she was with this guy she kept telling me she loved me and I kept saying it too. Was I just an ego boost or what? I cant get my head around it. Yeah I would have been jealous but I know she had every right to be in a relationship. I feel so stupid for continuing on the same way while she was with someone else. Im so mad she didnt tell me, and left me looking like a dick, although I havent said anything about it to her since I found out.

The second issue is even more hurtful, a few months back I found out she was texting one of my close friends for a while, or well 'sexting' is the term for it, the same time shes telling me im the one for her, she loves me etc. My friend didnt know the situation with me and her and is completely blameless. I have said about this to her though, and we talked for ages about it and she knows it was wrong, that it hurt me, that it only happened a few times and that itl never happen again, and I believe her. But now that this other lie has come to light, its got me thinking about this again!

Would either of these things be an issue for you guys? Do you thing shes a bad person or untrustworthy? Should i be with her? I really dont know what to do.

I have to point out that her love for me is not in doubt. I know she loves me to bits, and I love her as much.

Sorry for the long post. Hope a few can reply as this is really bothering and is very important to me. I know there are great advice givers on boards!

Thanks!

P. Breathnach

So when you were not around, she has been putting herself about a bit, and been lying to you about it? And you have accepted that there was nothing wrong with her carrying-on with another guy on a few occasions, just so long as she wasn't in a relationship with him?

Find another girl.

LegacyUser

OP here.

P.Breathnach, thanks for the reply.

Not quite, I dont think there was anything wrong with her being in a relationship.. just that if I meant so much to her why didnt she tell me? (she even blocked me from seeing her relationship status on facebook) and just continued on with me like she was single.. I dont know why she hid this from me. As far as I can see, she made a right fool out of me.

Hope you understand what Im saying.

EURATS

As the above posters have said..dump the girl. Hard to believe u got yourself involved in such rubbish. Easy for me to say on the outside I suppose. Sounds like she is fond of getting the budgie, no matter who from!!

P. Breathnach

Derry_lad, I'm gobsmacked. It looks as if you don't want to see the obvious.

She is telling you that she loves you, but she started a relationship with somebody else and deceived you about it - and you think the relationship is okay, but not the deception. I can't see it that way: if she really cared for you, there wouldn't have been another relationship; and if you weren't "official" at the time, why would she have lied to you?

You say you don't know why she blocked you from seeing her relationship status on facebook. It's fairly simple: she didn't want you to know what it was.

And the stuff with your friend! It looks to me like she is one dangerous lady.

It looks to me as if your options are (a) get out now, and take some pain; (b) stay in, have her betray you further, and take greater pain.

Piliger

Hi OP.

I think you have been very fair to this girl and you have showed a very mature attitude to the inevitable small infidelities that arise in a relationship like this.

But It seems to me that this girl has gone way too far. Not only that but she has lied on multiple occasions and been found out.

You really need to question if this girl is ever going to be worth your trust if you are now going to be together. Is she likely to change ? Is it in her nature ? is it worth investing your emotional commitment and energy and time into someone who has shown a pretty consistent history of being untrustworthy ?

Best of luck.

Big Bag of Chips

Who told you she was in a relationship with him, for those few months? She had said to you she just kissed him a few times, and you haven't told her that someone else said they were in a relationship?

Maybe that someone saw them out a few nights kissing, and assumed a relationship, whereas she, and he, just saw it as kissing occasionally.

Did she actually block you from seeing her relationship status, or did she just not fill that bit in?

You weren't together, from what I can make out, so maybe, even though she liked you, she was being young, single and carefree waiting for the time she could be with you. Maybe the "lies" she told were white lies in her mind to spare your feelings.

Unless you bring it up, you're not giving her a chance to explain.

I was mad about someone when I was 16. We lived 100 miles apart. I possibly loved him at that stage, but couldn't go out with him. So I went out with others. Kissed others (a few times) without being in a relationship with them. And when I moved to his town at 21, we went out and were very in love.

She hasn't been totally honest with you, but you haven't been honest with her about what you know, either.

Talk to her honestly and get her side, before you do any dumping!

Herrick

Whatever about this other fella and the circumstances surrounding it, the fact she had no problem sexting a friend of yours is more than enough of a reason to get rid.

Yes you weren't together, but if she had any respect for you or cared for you at all she wouldn't be texting one of you mates.

morgans303

I just came out of a similar situation. Deception and avoidance of the issue. Well I told her where she could go, and good riddance. Some girls will say "Don't you trust me?" as a way to validate their questionable actions. Just move on.

Stavro Mueller

Take off those rose tinted love goggles you've got super-glued to your nose. Why are you so sure that this girl loves you to bits? People say all sorts of rubbish sometimes. It's what they do in reality that you need to look at. I'm amazed at your capacity to accept such behaviour from her, make excuses for it and keep going. I honestly am.

LegacyUser

OP here.

Thanks for all the replies

Well I brought it up with her, and we talked about it.. And I do trust her that the stuff with my friend wont happen again, even though she has looked really untrustworthy. She is genuinely sorry.

She admitted she was in a relationship that time, and lied to me because she didnt want to lose me over it. As was said in one of the replies, she was just being with someone while waiting for me and enjoying herself while waiting for me. We couldnt be together at the time. She said she lied out of selfishness, not wanting me to stop contacting her because she was in a relationship, and also didnt want to hurt me. Reckoned I would have been better off not knowing, and I kind of agree in a way.

Big Bag of Chips: Yes she blocked me from seeing it on Facebook, told me that too when we were talking about it.

Maybe I am being very stupid? but I think she deserves a chance..

And she does love me, despite not being together, we have been through alot together over the last while and I really believe she isnt lying when she says she loves me.

Ickle Magoo

OK OP - as you've made up your mind and require no further advice, I'll lock this thread.

All the best. :cool: