Guys Who Have Never Had Girlfriends By The Time They Are 30

SharpshooterTom

Whats your opinion on guys who have never had girlfriends by the age of 30?

Right so basically I'm 25, I turn 26 in august and if there's one thing messes me up is that I've never had a girlfriend and the older I get the harder it gets to live with. The more wierder it gets, the more wierder I get.

The problem is I have a very unlikable personaility, well I'm not bad person but I just can't make friends very easily for some reason, the whole world seems put off by me.

I'm quite a self loathing guy, naturally, I asked my mum why I was born for, what was the point and that I think I was a mistake. I'm not suicidal or anything currently, but I think if I had I would have prefered not being born, honestly they wouldn't have the failure that was me, the past 25 years have been a waste. I apologised to me father for not allowing him to ever be a grandfather, because I'm too wierd.

I kind have made the decision that I'm not going have children in my life also. It's not really out of choice, its just a moral decision that I don't want my ****ed up genes being passed on. I think thats a sensible decision, you would do if you were me. It would be wrong to pass on some miserable set of genes that science has given me. I'm weak and natural selection clearly doesn't favor me. I think I'm doing society a favour by doing this.

I find living life hard, knowing now that ever I'll never be happy. My long term prospects aren't great.

I'm trying to repeat my alevels and get into Medicine/Dentistry/Law down here. At least trying to think positive, buts its hard when other circumstances are hurting me right now.

I have no social life, mainly because I'm too weird, and thus no/never had a girlfriend. And it bloody hurts.

I walked into my parents bedroom just half an hour ago and burst into tears, and I couldn't help but cry my eyes out. My life really is truely awful.

The problem is I read a lot forums, plentyoffish yahoo etc, most of the women on there say they would never date person near 30 whos never had a girlfriend, so that would suggest I'm going have to be a loner for the rest of my life and take the crap that comes with it. Again painful.

I have a councilling meeting today at 2:30pm, my fifth one, but I find it difficult to get up and go to Belfast. I hate the way I look etc think society entirely hates me.

This councilling sessions are quite hard, I feel they're only listening to me because its there "job" to do so, none of these people would give me the time of day I spoke to them on the street. Society pretty hates me, so I can understand why.

I've been given all these charts and stuff but it doesn't mean anything to me even when I read it. I know this is a self pity thread but I can't help it and I apologise. I've no one to speak to, my parents are sleeping/half p*ssed.

I really don't see my life getting better I really don't. I just don't think I'm cut out for this. I want to achieve high, become a lawyer, doctor, dentist, but even that wont even make me happy. I really feel I'm a poor combination of genes. I'm such a loser and you can understand why.

Taltos

OP - please continue with the counselling. Sometimes things can get worse for a while until they start to improve as you are forced to face fears or scars that you maybe ignored unconsciously for years.

Also it might at some point be worthwhile trying another specialist if after really trying with the current one you find you are not improving.

One thing that jumped out at me is you strong belief that everything that is wrong in your life is down to your genes and your unwillingness to pass on these to someone else.
Look - I am not a medical expert but your genes did not make any of the decisions in your life for you. You may need to come to a decision here to just accept that everything that has happened up to this point is largely as a result of decisions you made - take ownership for the life you have led.

Why? Well by blaming your genes or circumstances you are basically saying you have no control over your life - and if that is the case you have no control over where you want to go with your life. Is that what you really want?
I don't think it is - why else would you seek help in counselling. Continue down this path and work through what is holding you back - maybe even go back to your GP and let them know how it is working/not for you - also consider Cognitive Behaviour Therapy - supposed to be highly beneficial especially for those willing to commit to it.

In terms of your career wishes - doctor/solicitor/etc - these all seem like aspirations that society pushed towards us when we were younger - and are great ideals but ask yourself this - by your nature (method of thinking etc here) are these careers good fits for you? All are highly pressurised and require quite different skills. Will they really bring you happiness or what is driving you to them? I am in quite a good career now - however the hours and the stress are just not worth it - looking back on all the jobs I have had (quite a hell of a lot) my favourite was a below minimum wage weekend job fixing machinery and dealing with the public - forced me to learn how to talk to people - not easy as I was a shy little prat.

Don't give up - but work through what is holding you back and just keep with it - whether with different counsellors or with alternative therapy from your GP - but always with the guidance of your doctor.

If you really want it to - and you commit yourself to it 100% by taking ownership for your own life and choices it can get better.

Dravokivich

Gnobe wrote: »

The problem is I read a lot forums, plentyoffish yahoo etc, most of the women on there say they would never date person near 30 whos never had a girlfriend, so that would suggest I'm going have to be a loner for the rest of my life and take the crap that comes with it. Again painful.

Forgive the bluntness, I see you tend to be down about relating with other people as well as trying to figure out what you are about, but you can't anticipate the opinion of 1 person based on the opinions of others you've seen.

If you were to browse through such sites regularly you'd notice that people with such an attitude tend to have active profiles far longer and complain that nobody meets their "needs."

Not sure if you go to tGC much, but there's a thread there refering to Online Dating. The attitude you mentioned above is not prevelant from the women who post in there and is often closed out by both men and women when it comes up.

Pardon the cliché, I would of knocked someone out for saying it to me before, but something like this can just take a long time. I'm 28 in August myself, so 2 years older than you. Just started going out with my first girlfriend in February. I used to think negatively against myself and put myself down due to a lack of experience. As you are now, I held myself back and felt like a fool for doing it for so long, with only myself to blame for it.

Hope you can find a way to get through the rest of those things on your mind as well.

Stavro Mueller

Gnobe, I think the most important thing in your life just now is for you to keep getting the help you need. It's a cliché but you really must learn to love yourself before anybody else likes or loves you. It's heartbreaking to read you describe yourself in such self-loathing terms. There's no way you're as bad as you think you are. Your self-confidence is obviously on the floor and that is what you need to work at first.

I'm not sure if looking for girlfriends on Plenty of Fish is the way to go at the moment because you are so fragile. From what I've seen, online dating can be tough going for some people. Especially seeing as you seem to be drawn towards women who are setting down such strict criteria for potential boyfriends.

If you don't think your counsellor is doing the job for you, I strongly suggest you seek out another one. You genuinely need a lot of help and that should be your priority. Having a girlfriend is not going to be the silver bullet that solves your problems.

LegacyUser

OP, just imagine for a minute that you're in a long queue at the checkout in the supermarket or something as random as that. Imagine you get chatting to a really cute girl behind you, she's friendly, things are going well and she asks you: 'so, what do you do for fun?'

I was asked this by a CBT counsellor about two years ago, and I was floored. Because I realised that I did absolutely NOTHING for 'fun'. If a cute guy had asked me this on a night out, I would have been mortified because I would appear as someone who has nothing in their life apart from their boring job (which was, in fact, the case at the time).

I know it is a cliché old as time itself, (ie join a club!!) but have a good long think about what you LIKE (or WOULD like) to do, be it a team sport, work with an animal charity, amateur dramatics, a choir, volunteering...basically anything that involves interacting regularly with other people. Not only does it give you a social outlet, but it also gives you something to talk about should you find yourself in that queue in the supermarket You may not find a girlfriend from doing an activity, but the social interaction and (hopefully!) nights out that may arise from such activities will make you more confident in social settings and who knows, maybe someone from the club you are in might bring their cute, single sister on a night out....I'm just sayin'... What do you do for a living? Are there any groups at work you could join?

As regards the 'never had a relationship' thing....I can totally relate there But I guess, should you meet someone you like, and the 'why have you never had a girlfriend?' conversation comes up, you could just say 'well, I let life get a bit stale in my early 20's, due to a combination of factors (elaborate here only if you wish), and relationships weren't a priority for me, but then I made a conscious decision to get my stuff together, and I'm really starting to enjoy myself now. It would be nice to get to know you better, and hopefully learn a bit more about myself in the process'. (or words to that effect - judge by the situation). If they walk away from you, then they are really not the sort of people you want in your life, trust me.

Be kind to yourself. Allow yourself to feel a bit crappy for a while (because it IS a crappy situation!!) but please don't allow it to overwhelm you and define you. Give yourself time to cry if needs be. Then take a deep breath. Regroup. Think clearly about your goals and what you need to do you change things. Then take another deep breath and do it!! Yes, it is hard. Yes, it is easier to sit at home and be miserable. I know this. But what is that going to achieve? Allow yourself a moment of self-pity, then shake it off.

Continue with the counselling. You may just have a 'Eureka!' moment during a session that will help clarify what you need to do to help your own recovery. Best of luck!

SurferRosa

Hi Gnobe, sorry to hear you're going through a tough time, but I wouldn't worry about what's being suggested on those dating sites.
First of all, I would take that kind of chat with a pinch of salt,as some may not really feel like that in reality ( you know women say they want tall/dark/handsome, but in reality I doubt it really is that important to most) , and secondly if any woman were to judge you based on your experience/# of relationships, then they're not good girlfriend material in the first place.
I agree that doing something "fun" for yourself is a great idea - mainly to make yourself happier.
That said I met my now husband when he was 26. He had never been in a relationship either, is painfully shy and a bit odd. The thing is I like his quirkyness, his shyness is endearing, and I guess I tolerate his strange computer games etc In other words experience/ interstest etc did not bother me at all. This guy is intelligent, patient, tolerant, caring and helpful. To me he is gorgeous, and all of the above are what I wanted in a husband, not experience, or a certain way of behaving.
I hope with councelling that you will start feeling better about yourself, and just know that you should only ever have to be you. There will be someone out there who likes you just how you are and won't care about things like experience

SharpshooterTom

Hi I read all the responses fully and appreciate every single one.

I know a lot of people say it doesn't matter when you're nearly 26, but really it does. Here's a thread I read off eharmony that depresses me so much:

http://advice.eharmony.com/boards/dating-advice/ask-dating-expert/18952-womens-reactions-to-guy-no-relationship-history.html

Its typical of what people think, I can't do this anymore. I'm so unhappy with my life its untrue, if I don't meet certain deadlines by certain ages my lifes over practically and I'm failure and a loser. But I can't help it.

I'm not going to be over the top or anything about this, but I'm going to give myself 6 months and if I don't progress I'm going to seriously consider ending my life once and for all. I don't think I have any choice I just can't suffer like this anymore, its just not fair. I really am hurting about every aspect of my life and I can't hack it anymore and I feel I'm better off dead at this rate.

Now I have a psychiatric appointment tomorrow for first time. I've already had 5 counselling sessions, on anti-depressants for a month. But none of this is going to work, I'm seriously damaged goods I feel. Although I will give it everything I've got. I will really try.

wylo

Man, firstly, I can find very little evidence in that link about women not wanting to be with men who never dated someone. Maybe one or 2 who had their own odd experiences and just wanted to be cautious. Actually, most replies were quite encouraging.


Secondly, thats not even the issue, seriously , its not. The issue is about your mental health and ONLY that. You've decided to create all this other nonsense about dating failure etc etc to use as ammo to prop up your self loathing.

I had a mate who was considering suicide at your age, he sorted HIMSELF out, sorted out his head, forgot about all the rest of the stories around it. And like, you had never dated anyone, was never with any women and always seemed alone. Now at 33 he's got a hot girlfriend of 2 years and the two are emigrating together this year, and by all accounts, very very happy.
HE WOULD NOT HAVE DONE THAT WITHOUT SORTING OUT HIS OWN HEAD FIRST.
Your situation CAN be completely fixed, totally.

Ickle Magoo

Hey there Gnobe,

To even be considering ending your own life, you need help that we are just not qualified to offer...and because you really need to seek help and deserve to get help in the real world, I must close this thread.

Please make an appointment with your GP asap, go to your local A&E if you require immediate help - if you need to talk to someone in the meantime, there are a variety of contacts HERE - but you must tell a qualified professional how low you are feeling.

All the very best.