Socially Dying

wikiwiki

Hi All,

Hope someone can give me some sound advice. I am a 30 year old single guy. On the face of things all is normal, standing on my own two feet, ambitious, educated and fortunate to have a good career. The problem is I am the very socially awkward. It is destroying me and really getting me down. I have become extremely self consciousness' at social events over the last no. of years, which compounds the problem.

I have always been shy but this has got worst with age. I see my friends around me forming long term relationships and settling down but for me nothing has changed. I've never have had any real relationships, family and friends are aware of this. In my teens and early twenties despite shyness I was seen as controlled, together and a nice guy. Now that I am older with no track record things have changed and I've got the tag for ever alone and certainly no longer one of the lads. Because of this I have been feeling on the back foot for years, which is killing my self esteem and ruined friendships because I am not developing in life with them.

I've done several things to get out there and socialise outside the pub environment. As always starts great but then I start to worry about been single, past failures, lost friends, seen to be a loser, and because of shyness I regularly get tongue tied, so wit and charm do not come easy. So after awhile it is clear that I am not much of conversationalist, uptight and kinda boring to talk to.

As stated on the face of things I seem normal, on the nights out with shyness really suppressed (with alcohol) I can pull but that is just not the guy I am or ever was. I just want a loving relationship with someone that knows my weakness and strengths, that will give me a hug before I know I even need it and that I am not going through life alone with no one to take care of.

I really don't know what I am at. Girls do not take me seriously, I am 30 and I have dropped the ball a many times with lots of alcohol on board. Questions get asked and answered and at the end it is clear that I have no real confidence and therefore not at the races. I look desperate.

This can't go on, it is effected all aspects of my life. I'm no longer a fun guy, I constantly focus on what people think of me.

So girls can you please give me some advice. Also would like to hear your views on shyness and awkwardness.

tbh

Hello me 12 years or so ago. Go travelling around the world on your own. It sounds terrifying, but it isnt. And it'll knock any shyness or awkwardness put of you forever. Trust me on that.

Ickle Magoo

Moved from The Ladies Lounge :cool:

wylo

I was heading that way until I discovered philosophy , meditation and self inquiry. It stopped all that in its tracks, and now things couldnt be more the opposite.

The bad news is that someone being caught up in that stuff is incredibly offputting for others to be around, both with the opposite sex, but also in terms of friendship. And the dangerous thing is that the person in question tends to feel sorry for themselves, and basically lives in hope rather than take action.

The good news there are different options you can take to completely change your outlook. But unless you are completely and utterly serious about changing , and are literally committed to giving your life to it, you'll only keep falling back to self sympathy mode (which is a strange place to be , because while it can be depressing, its sort of comforting too in a way that you can sort of victimise yourself)

Another option (probably a better one) is tbhs advice. Go and travel.

LegacyUser

wikiwiki wrote: »

Hi All,

Hope someone can give me some sound advice. I am a 30 year old single guy. On the face of things all is normal, standing on my own two feet, ambitious, educated and fortunate to have a good career. The problem is I am the very socially awkward. It is destroying me and really getting me down. I have become extremely self consciousness' at social events over the last no. of years, which compounds the problem.

I have always been shy but this has got worst with age. I see my friends around me forming long term relationships and settling down but for me nothing has changed. I've never have had any real relationships, family and friends are aware of this. In my teens and early twenties despite shyness I was seen as controlled, together and a nice guy. Now that I am older with no track record things have changed and I've got the tag for ever alone and certainly no longer one of the lads. Because of this I have been feeling on the back foot for years, which is killing my self esteem and ruined friendships because I am not developing in life with them.

I've done several things to get out there and socialise outside the pub environment. As always starts great but then I start to worry about been single, past failures, lost friends, seen to be a loser, and because of shyness I regularly get tongue tied, so wit and charm do not come easy. So after awhile it is clear that I am not much of conversationalist, uptight and kinda boring to talk to.

As stated on the face of things I seem normal, on the nights out with shyness really suppressed (with alcohol) I can pull but that is just not the guy I am or ever was. I just want a loving relationship with someone that knows my weakness and strengths, that will give me a hug before I know I even need it and that I am not going through life alone with no one to take care of.

I really don't know what I am at. Girls do not take me seriously, I am 30 and I have dropped the ball a many times with lots of alcohol on board. Questions get asked and answered and at the end it is clear that I have no real confidence and therefore not at the races. I look desperate.

This can't go on, it is effected all aspects of my life. I'm no longer a fun guy, I constantly focus on what people think of me.

So girls can you please give me some advice. Also would like to hear your views on shyness and awkwardness.

How do you know that girls don't take you seriously? I mean, do you have evidence to substantiate this thought, or is it perhaps some low self-esteem making you paranoid and skewing your thoughts?

It sounds as though you've built a wall around yourself, for fear of what might happen if it comes down. And that's perfectly understandable because it's often the things we want most that we're afraid to allow ourselves have in case anything goes wrong. It's a basic self-preservation mechanism but you have to learn to trust people, not everyone is out to hurt you and more than anything, learn to trust your own instincts.

Again, how do you know you're a boring conversationalist -has somebody told you that or are you just beating yourself up? If you think negatively, chances are you'll appear negatively so work on changing that and even if you don't feel positive, fake it til you make it! Do you really think finding your dream girl would solve all these problems for you? Because that's quite a tall order

Fentdog84

Study people who are confident in social situations(or who seem to be). Watch their body language, facial expressions what they say and how they say things.
If you're going on a night out or a social occasion, take a few minutes in the mirror to pump yourself up into a positive mindset ''tonights going to be a good night etc''! If you appear comfortable in your own skin people will react more positively towards you. guaranteed. Being happy in yourself dosent come naturally to lots of people, its something you need to work at, constantly. Good luck.:)

LegacyUser

I would agree with above poster, what is the evidence? Are you mind reading? I would try cognitive behaviour therapy, it makes you challenge your thoughts.

Thinking the way you are will be make you more self conscious, more introverted as all you are thinking is how you are coming across to others and not focusing on the now.

The opinion of others about you is no more valid than yours about them. This was said to me by somebody else, I think its true. I am very like you and Im working on my confidence. Is there any history of anything else going on from your childhood? This is the case for me, Im dealing with it.

I didnt think it was related to my self esteem and confidence issues but it is. Even if you have no issues I would still try CBT as it will really challenge your thoughts, also maybe trying more social things outside of drinking like bootcamp, cycling/running clubs, tag rugby or any other classes if exercise isnt your thing. It will help with meeting more people and becoming more social.

I also tried mindfulness for staying in the now. Google it for more information. The Sanctuary in D7 run classes. Also if your shyness is becoming a big problem, look up social anxiety, there are groups in Dublin that meet that may help you.

Dont give up on it, you will become more confident, its really acceptance at the end of the day on who you are. Take Care. : )