Pregnant wife smoking

LegacyUser

My wife is expecting our first child, and still smoking nearly 20 a day. She tried cutting down initially - using patches briefly, but over the last few weeks she is back to the kind of levels she was smoking before being pregnant.

So far everything looks good from scans etc., but I am worried about the longterm effects.

I have never been a smoker, so I don't comprehend the power of cravings - but it's clear that any conversation about cutting back or quitting is out as she feels it is an attack and I can't understand the power of the addiction. The doctors\midwives said that cutting back is better than nothing, but she seems to see this as an excuse to continue.

Her own family all smoke, and haven't really put any pressure on for her to stop.

Has anyone else experienced this, or can anyone recommended some way to help her cut back?

January

Mod Note
I've approved this thread, helpful advice only please. I do not want any snide comments or digs at the OP's wife on this thread.

Thank you.

Sleepy

My other half had a handful of cigarettes whilst pregnant. Literally less than a box over the full duration of the pregnancy. I just stood up to her on it, didn't make allowances for tantrums or guilt trips and made it clear that I felt she was hurting the baby and that I would hold her responsible if any abnormalities occurred that were known to be related to smoking during pregnancy. 20 cigarettes over the course of a pregnancy is unlikely to do any harm imho, though 20 a day seems like it'd certainly have an effect.

Maybe take her for a spin past the Rotunda so she can see the class of women that smoke throughout their pregnancy? Maybe if she sees that she's behaving like a scumbag she'll stop?

Zulu

I gotta agree with Sleepy. Thankfully my wife doesn't smoke, but if she did...

You are your childs father. Part of your responsibility is to protect your child. Take an active role in this, not passive. How will you feel about yourself in 10/15 years if your child is suffering from something you could have prevented?

martinedwards

could be worse.

My niece smoked drank and took all kinds of recreational crap during her pregnancy.

her son is permenantly damaged, spent the first year of his life in & out of Great Ormond street Hospital in London getting a LOT of surgery.

He's now 5 and in Special education. he's a gorgeous kid, but unlikely ever to be able to hold down a job or live independantly.

I've never smoked either, and thankfully neither has my wife. all 4 of our kids were and remain smoke free.

Peanut2011

Hey OP,

I must say that is a very though place to be in. My OH and I are also expecting our first and she would have been a long term smoker prior to pregnancy. I also need to point out that I have never been a smoker neither.

It was always on her mind that it will be hard and the questions were how and when. I must say from the day we found out she was pregnant that was it!

She has not had a single one since that morning and it's now 6months. I thought there would have been days where she would crack up and start again but she knows how I feel about it and she also knows that she does not want to damage the child in any way. This does not mean her want for the smoke is any less but there are days where she is in a very though position.

One thing for sure is that we have discussed this prior to pregnancy. We both made our stands on this very clear. I know I would not be able to stand by and do nothing while she was poisoning our child but than again I made that clear from the start. I guess I am lucky that she is of the same frame of mind and she was able to put her addiction aside for the better of the child.

In any case I think you will be damned if you do, damned if you don't but I think you need to sit down with your OH and lay out all the issues on the table and be open and honest about it. After all this is not about her, she has a choice and the child she is carrying does not.

There is no way that you can ensure she stops but what you can do is try to see and talk to her to see how you can help her come off them. Also, she needs to get the facts together, if she did not already about the damage this is quite likely doing to the child. The scans will not pick up most of these.

If she has all the facts and she still decides her smokes are more important and she is willing to gamble with her child's future than there is nothing you can do.

Unfortunately there is not much more I can say here, the decision to stop smoking has to come from her.

pelluci

Has she considered an electronic cigarette for the duration of the pregnancy? She'd still get her nicotine, but without all the tar and literally thousands of harmful chemicals.

Squiggler

I can't understand any woman not being willing to quit smoking for a mere 9 months for the sake of her baby.

Could she try the Nicorette Inhaler (or the electronic cigarettes as suggested by another).

There are so many things that should be given up during pregnancy to give the baby the best start in life (and therefore the best life) possible.

My husband and I both gave up when we started trying for a baby, and we have no intention of ever smoking around our child(ren).

Is it something you had discussed with your wife before the pregnancy? Had you talked over things like whether she would quit and whether she will smoke around the baby/child or allow others to do so?

farmchoice

i know how tricky a situation this is, as we all know smoking in general and during a pregnacy in particular is not a good idea, god forbid anything went wrong your wife will end up blaming herself. having said that lots of woman smoke during their pregnancy and in the past even more did and most of the time no problems are caused.

my wife gave up before she got pregnant and went on to give birth to very premature twins one of whom later died. if she had been smoking,even the odd one, she would have blamed herself for his death, this would have completly destroyed her, in fact if that had happened i doubt she would be alive today.

3 months later her sister got pregnant and happily smoked through her whole pregancy and gave birth to a full term bouncing baby boy with no problems whatsoever.

your wife knows full well she should not be smoking, some people just find it neigh impossible to quit. if getting pregnant did not spur her on to give up not much else will right now. try to get her to give up after the baby is born.

Ballyman

Edited so as to not cause offence

pwurple

Wow, how can you even afford to smoke a pack a day? 3.5k a year on cigarettes. Anyway, my mam is a smoker, she smokes about a pack a week.

She said she didn't like the taste of smoke while she was pregnant, so didn't do it. I've heard that from a few friends as well... that it made them nauseous. Mustn't be affecting your wife I guess.

Has she cut back a bit? Maybe she's working on it.

Sometimes with my mam, smoking is a behaviour or routine rather than an addiction. She smokes when she meets up with her buddies, or when she gets up in the morning while waiting for the toaster to pop. Or after dinner, before washing up. Is your wife like that? Possibly change the routine?

NewDad2012

NewDad2012 wrote: »

Her own family all smoke, and haven't really put any pressure on for her to stop.

?

Well you/they should, really you should.

cynder

MY mother smoked all the way through mine and my brothers pregnancy and we turned out just fine we are 32 and 33 and have no health issues, we were born 2/3 weeks early weighing in at 7lbs and so many ounces.

Its hard to beat the craving, you can only try and help with out crossing the line and nagging. prehaps try a distraction method, buy her chewing gum or make her a cup of tea instead of her having a fag!

I know a number of people who smoked throughout and they all had healthy babies. I dont smoke yet all mine had the asthmatic cough from age 2.

Zulu

grindelwald wrote: »

MY mother smoked all the way through mine and my brothers pregnancy and we turned out just fine ...

I be very wary of that particular logic.
Firstly, you survived pregnancy to tell the tale, those less fortunate mightn't have.
Secondly, I could hammer a old world war two landmine everyday for 20 year and it mightn't go off. Does that mean it's a good idea to hammer old explosives?
I could walk across a motorway, blindfolded, at night, every time it rains, and survive. Does that mean it's safe to walk across a motorway at night, in the rain blindfolded? Of course it doesn't.

iguana

grindelwald wrote: »

MY mother smoked all the way through mine and my brothers pregnancy and we turned out just fine we are 32 and 33 and have no health issues, we were born 2/3 weeks early weighing in at 7lbs and so many ounces.

farmchoice wrote: »

3 months later her sister got pregnant and happily smoked through her whole pregancy and gave birth to a full term bouncing baby boy with no problems whatsoever.

Unfortunately you don't know this at all. Many problems caused by smoking in pregnancy are later in life problems due to the fact that it alters the DNA of the child (a process called DNA methylation, an epigenetic mechanism in which small chemical compounds are added to DNA). So a child may appear fine in the years after it's birth but may be more prone to cancers, cardiovascular disease and lower pulmonary function later in adulthood, middle age and beyond as the DNA alteration changes the function of certain genes.

And just as seriously, not only can the impact of smoking in pregnancy be later in life problems for the child but also in the children of the child. The DNA alteration can pass to the next generation so the grandchildren of the smoker can often be the ones who suffer ill health, even if the children themselves don't.

OP I think you need to have a serious talk with your wife. One that you go into armed with knowledge about the level of risk to your child and any future children your child may have, but also with some solutions that you can offer her. The electronic cigarettes are too new a technology to know whether they pose any risk to the foetus but most experts agree that any risk they pose is significantly lower than that of cigarettes, so if she really will not stop smoking perhaps they could be part of a compromise solution.

You are in a tricky situation. Ultimately it is her body and her choice, you can not make her do anything she doesn't want to, including quitting cigarettes. But you also have a choice and a right to express how you feel about her smoking. Don't allow her to shut you up by accusing you of being on the 'attack' if you want to express your concerns. Talk to her and keep talking to her because you have a right to express your worries to her and draw your own boundaries.

pickarooney

Things have changed and your first priority is towards your child's safety, not your wife's feelings. This is the way it will be for the rest of your life so get used to standing up for what you know is right now because there's nothing more important.

cyning

I'd agree with maybe asking her to try the electronic cigarettes... or the Nicorette inhaler. I don't smoke but I know from watching people trying to give them up it is difficult: but for your babies sake you need to try to get your wife to give them up. It's not about you or your wife, it's about your baby: and when your talking to her maybe try and keep coming at it from that angle so she doesn't feel as attacked.

Also please try and make sure that she is been extremely honest with the doctors and midwives about the level of smoking: it can and does affect babies heart rate and growth: and at least if they KNOW about it they can keep a closer eye on baby. If she's lying about the level of smoking to them because she's embarassed etc that is not good for either of them. Especially if they think she's after cutting down and she hasn't. Go with her to some of the appointments if you have to.

How Strange

I used to smoke quite heavily years ago so I understand what a powerful addiction it can be.

For me it would be the what if. What if the baby has asthma or something much much worse. You'll never know if smoking during pregnancy caused it.

When I see a pregnant woman smoking all I can think of is a little baby in the womb being choked by smoke.

I think you as the dad must confront your wife about her smoking and the damage she could potentially be doing to your child. I'm sure she'll get very defensive but she can't deny the medical evidence of the harm caused by smoking during pregnancy to the unborn child.

My mother was a heavy smoker throughout my childhood, but even she knew she needed to stop smoking during pregnancy. You don't need the statistics or scientific findings: to say that smoking doesn't seem like it would be harmful shows a person clearly in denial. It looks unhealthy, smells unhealthy and having smoked a bit myself (never heavily) regardless of how good it might feel, it feels unhealthy too.

The problem isn't just down to whether or not the baby will be harmed. As others have said, do you really want to question your child's development for the rest of it's life? From miscarriage right down to something as small as your child being a bit behind the rest of the class in school, you could end up always questioning if there were any effects.

Explain your concerns to your wife. I think that expecting her to stop just for the duration of the pregnancy is a reasonable thing to talk to her about, even though it will ultimately come down to her choice.

Realistically, the fact is that her health is compromised already (e.g. she'll be going through labour with a decreased lung capacity compared to if she didn't smoke). Try to convince her that this is important.

cambridge

grindelwald wrote: »

MY mother smoked all the way through mine and my brothers pregnancy and we turned out just fine we are 32 and 33 and have no health issues, we were born 2/3 weeks early weighing in at 7lbs and so many ounces.

You were born prematurely by 2/3 weeks. Smoking is a risk factor for prematurity.

What do you work as? Do you have a high IQ. No need to answer. Smoking is a risk factor for low IQ and mental retardation.

Just fine may mean different things to different people.

Daffodil.d

Hi, most people on here are non smokers. I smoked early in my pregnancy on my daughter. Not a heavy smoker maybe 4 a day tops. Anyway the only way I can describe this is, You know your pregnant, you know it's not good to smoke but the baby isn't right there as a bump in the beginning and you can't fight the addiction. When my daughter began to kick I quit. It wasn't a sudden thing. I just found she was more real to me and if i did put a cigarette in my mouth I ended up stubbing it out because of guilt.That was around 16 to 18 weeks. after that I just couldn't. She was grand but as other people said you don't know the long term effects.
I actually went off coffee while I was pregnant and happened to read that it's not good either for babies. Anyway I hope your wife gets this too because I don't think anything you say will make any difference.

cynder

cambridge wrote: »

grindelwald wrote: »

MY mother smoked all the way through mine and my brothers pregnancy and we turned out just fine we are 32 and 33 and have no health issues, we were born 2/3 weeks early weighing in at 7lbs and so many ounces.

You were born prematurely by 2/3 weeks. Smoking is a risk factor for prematurity.

What do you work as? Do you have a high IQ. No need to answer. Smoking is a risk factor for low IQ and mental retardation.

Just fine may mean different things to different people.

Iq of 127, so you telling me if my mom had not if smoked I would have had an iq greater than 127 what 150 or 180 bull...


37 weeks is term its not premature, under 37 weeks is premature. just so happened her first baby was born at 31 weeks and she didn't smoke, she so happened to have babies early, and so did I, 2 of mine were a week early the other was 5 weeks early. All healthy weights.


By the way I work as a full time mom to 3 kids my husband is a software engineer.

If the husband keeps nagging his wife if could turn sour, he has to tread carefully. If the woman refuses to acknowledge the risk, that is her choice, her body her choice, just the same as if she wanted an abortion, her body, her choice. I was trying to give the man a bit of hope, just because she is smoking doesn't mean the child will be retarded or deformed.


But sure you might aswell tell him she is killing his child, I for one don't think that. I am a non smoker but did offer the option for him to distract her rather than be confrontational, which could cause friction.

Morag

Honestly if trying to get her to cut down during teh pregnancy is causing that much stress,

I would shift the focus to smoking when the baby is born. Is she going to smoke in the same room as the newborn? Will she smoke in the house? Will she step out of the house and then hold the new born to breath in the smoke of her clothes, hair and the smoke particles she will breathe out for two mins after every time she goes for a smoke?

Start asking her these questions. It might make her think again and that it is easier to stop now then it will be with fractured sleep from feeds around the clock for the first 2/3 months.

liliq

I'm an ex- smoker. I'd easily have smoked 30 Benson a day.
Quitting was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Smoking is both a physical and psychological addiction.
I am SO glad that I quit BEFORE I got pregnant, or I honestly have to say I don't know if I would have been able to quit at the same time as going through pregnancy and all that went along with it for me.
The thought of a pregnant woman smoking honestly makes me really sad, and a bit angry, so I can't imagine how you're feeling when it's your child she's carrying.

The only advice I can give is to find out whether she really wants to quit or not. If she doesn't really and truely want to, all the talking in the world isn't going to make her.

If she genuinely does want to quit, it's worth doing everything you can to help her and find support for her. There are loads of free smoking cessation clinics around, I think some of the maternitys do them as well. SHe needs something to help motivate her when she's finding it hard as well. The leaflets that I ignored while I smoked I actually found really helpful while I was quitting- especially the ones that show improvment in health/ decreasing risk of diseases etc after certain periods of time.
Keeping the money you'd spend on smokes and buying something extravagent after a certain number of weeks is a good motivator.

Also 100X +1 on what Iguana said re the risks etc. Smoking during pregnancy has a massive impact later on- there is a 4 times higher risk of SIDS, higher risks of midline defects like cleft palate, there's a higher rate of still births. Genetic mutations caused in the baby by smoking during pregnancy can be carried through to your babies children. There's simply no positive slant that can be put on it.

It's a really tricky situation, but your baby isn't in a position to protect themselves from the carcinogens, toxins, pathogens, poisons, carbon monoxides that are in cigarettes, so it's up to you to protect them from it until they can do it themselves. There's just too many risks.

eviltwin

Ex smoker here too.

I quit the day I found out I was pregnant but it was hard. I was lucky in a way. My husband quit with me so I was not being tempted, I also had to stop going out for the first three months or so to get over the worst of the cravings. I was always more of a social smoker and I knew that if I went to a pub and people around me were having a good time I would join them. It worked but 2 years later I still crave them every single day

You have to bear in mind that it is an addiction, its not that easy to just stop, as a non smoker you might not get that. All you can do is try to support her and not stress her out or judge her. Maybe you can try making a healthy lifestyle choice of your own so she is not going it alone?

implausible

Not a smoker, married to one, so I'm coming at this from a different angle. You haven't said OP where your wife smokes - does she smoke inside, in the car etc?

Before I got pregnant, we agreed that my other half wouldn't smoke in the house. He goes outside to the shed and doesn't smoke in the car. While still a heavy smoker, this has reduced it by a few a day. Maybe limiting (even by a few) where and when she smokes might help her to start cutting down.

Your priorities are your baby and supporting your wife in cutting down and hopefully quitting. The science is there and while you'll always hear the 'it never did me any harm' stories, it's not worth the risk.

Good luck, it's a very thorny issue to tackle.

Orion

Mod Note
Folks
There have been a few posts that I'm not happy with. If you look at the other forum I mod you'll see where I'm coming from.

Posts like these are not helpful.

• "I can't understand any woman not being willing to quit smoking for a mere 9 months for the sake of her baby. "
  
• "Maybe if she sees that she's behaving like a scumbag she'll stop?"
  
• "My niece smoked drank and took all kinds of recreational crap during her pregnancy. her son is permenantly damaged"

Posts like "Quitting was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Smoking is both a physical and psychological addiction." are informative.

And posts like "I would shift the focus to smoking when the baby is born." are helpful.

Please understand the difference and observe January's instruction: "I do not want any snide comments or digs at the OP's wife on this thread." Any posts similar to the unhelpful examples given above will be deleted and infracted without futher warning.

Personal note
Giving up smoking is the hardest thing I have ever done. It's horrendously difficult. the fact that smoking actually causes stress that results in more smoking is an intellectual argument that a smoker can't even fathom due to the addiction. I can't imagine what it would be like for a pregnant woman to try it at the same time as growing a baby.

My advice is similar to Sharrow's. Support your wife. Encourage her to quit/cut down rather than trying to force her to. Encourage the option of not smoking around the baby when it's born. If she ultimately quits then great. But you yourself will have to accept the fact that you cannot make her quit. Only she can make that decision for herself. As a former 40 a day smoker I can tell you this with full confidence - if she wants to quit she will, if she doesn't then she won't. All you can hope for is to get her buy-in that she won't smoke around the child after birth.

Toots

I gave up smoking a few weeks before I got pregnant so I was still getting cravings during the pregnancy. Before giving up I'd easily smoke 20 a day on a regular day, but if I was out with friends for the night it could well have been double that.

I was often really tempted to smoke, especially if I was having a tough day in work, but the thought that I could be damaging the baby was what kept me from lighting up. I won't lie though, it was seriously difficult. The fact that my hubby was supposed to have given up but was still smoking behind my back (I could smell it off him with the hyper-sensitive-preggo sense of smell) didn't make it any easier.

As others have said, you need to sit down with your wife and discuss this, but try to do it as calmly as you can. Make a list of points that you want to bring up with her, it should help you to get your point across without losing track if things get heated. Does she realise that just because the scans look good doesn't mean that everything is ok? Ask her how she'll feel if the child ends up with some problem that was caused by her smoking during pregnancy. Would she be ok with that? TBH, it sounds like deep down she knows that what she's doing isn't right and that by forbidding any discussion about it, she's trying to avoid being reminded about what she's doing.

If she does agree to cut down/give up, you need to support her and encourage her. She may well fall off the wagon once or twice, don't berate her for that but encourage her to keep trying. Give little rewards etc for when she does well, things like foot rubs and ankle rubs, will be much appreciated as the pregnancy progresses. It will be hard for her, but in the long run it'll be better not just for the baby, but also for her and for the two of you as a couple.

Mansized Wreath

OP, I smoked for 15 years and went through bouts of quitting,some lasting days,others weeks but always went back on them. Last August I picked up Allen Carrs 'The easyway to stop smoking' and read it as I'd heard it's effective. 50 pages in and I smoked my last cigerette. I quit without one single craving and know I'll never ever smoke again. I'd highly, highly recommend getting your wife either this book,the audiotape or sending her to one of his courses (google will give you info on that). His method definitely works, well worth a read.

Neyite

Op, its hard. I'm an ex smoker too and its really difficult to describe to someone who never smoked how addictive it is. I tried and failed loads of times to quit, I tried inhalers, gum, patches, cold turkey, books, hypnosis, and the only ones that gave me success were:

Self help book - Alan Carrs Easyway to stop smoking. This worked very well for me, my downfall was after about a year I thought I could have "the odd one" when I was out for a drink. Before I knew it, I was buying a pack a day again.

The second and last successful one: Paul McKenna Hypnosis. That was 5 years ago now, and I cannot recommened it enough. It was far easier than it ever was to quit before with this method. I just added it to my phone and played it going to sleep.

There are small things that can help cut down: Banning smoking in the house at all no matter what the weather. Banning smoking in the car. If need be, leave the cigarettes outside in the shed/ in the boot of the car so she cannot light one up without thinking, or putting on a jacket or stopping the car or whatever. These all help a little.

I'd explain to her that you love her and your child very much and will do anything to help her with this hard goal. Show your support even with her failed efforts, captiulating and having a smoke does not need to mean that she has to return to smoking entirely.

Good luck

shanek248

grindelwald wrote: »

If the husband keeps nagging his wife if could turn sour, he has to tread carefully. If the woman refuses to acknowledge the risk, that is her choice, her body her choice, just the same as if she wanted an abortion, her body, her choice.

What a nice informed point of view. You must be a pleasure to be around. What about the babies body? Babies body, Babies Choice.

I think part of being a parent is the ability to look beyond oneself and see beyond such selfish points of view.

I understand that not all parents are created equal but I thought that this was a universal experience. I can certainly understand a person not believing that smoking harms their baby but to say "my body my choice" is just too flippant. It implies knowledge of damage caused and a lack of caring, especially when thrown into the same sentence as abortion.:(

shanek248

I agree with some of the more recent arguments.

Addiction is a very serious problem and you cannot expect somebody to just quit because you deem it necessary. They have to want to quit.

Possibly the best angle to take would be to make sure she is fully informed of the risks so that she can make the choice to quit herself. It could also be a good idea to take on as many of her responsibilities as you can in order to reduce her stress levels. A concerted effort on your part will be noticed and appreciated by her. It could also help her feel like she is not the only one struggling.

Mansized Wreath

Guilting her into quitting won't work and this has been proven, she knows the risks to the unborn child yet she still smokes. Banning smoking in the house/car won't work either,she'll just go outside. It's not as hard to quit as society thinks. Get her that book OP.

cynder

shanek248 wrote: »

grindelwald wrote: »

If the husband keeps nagging his wife if could turn sour, he has to tread carefully. If the woman refuses to acknowledge the risk, that is her choice, her body her choice, just the same as if she wanted an abortion, her body, her choice.

What a nice informed point of view. You must be a pleasure to be around. What about the babies body? Babies body, Babies Choice.

I think part of being a parent is the ability to look beyond oneself and see beyond such selfish points of view.

I understand that not all parents are created equal but I thought that this was a universal experience. I can certainly understand a person not believing that smoking harms their baby but to say "my body my choice" is just too flippant. It implies knowledge of damage caused and a lack of caring, especially when thrown into the same sentence as abortion.:(

I'm anti abortion, but I respect others views and opinions, whatever they choose to do, it's up to them. If they take drugs, or smoke, drink, eat whipped ice cream or eat tuna or pate, fly, go rock climbing, run a marathon, go horse riding, go to a disco, have sex, take medication, wear heals, eat chips or fatty foods, or sugary foods and so on and on, we should all be wrapped in cotton wool when we are pregnant. It's our own individual choice what risks we are willing to take. I respect individual choice, it may not be mine.


If someone wants to smoke during their pregnancy it's up to them the baby may or may not be born with faulty DNA, tbh anyone can be born with faulty DNA not just children of smokers.

If someone wants to abort their baby its up to them.

Tbh the stress that people put on a woman to stop smoking may cause her to have a miscarriage. more so than the smoking, I nearly miscarried 3 times in my first pregnancy due to stress. No I don't smoke.


It's hard to be perfect, infact it's impossible. Tbh the smoking thing should have been broached before she got pregnant, but of course it's too late now. Now he has to contend with an emotional woman who has the world and her husband against her.

shanek248

grindelwald wrote: »

I'm anti abortion, but I respect others views and opinions, whatever they choose to do, it's up to them. If they take drugs, or smoke, drink, eat whipped ice cream or eat tuna or pate, fly, go rock climbing, run a marathon, go horse riding, go to a disco, have sex, take medication, wear heals, eat chips or fatty foods, or sugary foods and so on and on, we should all be wrapped in cotton wool when we are pregnant. It's our own individual choice what risks we are willing to take. I respect individual choice, it may not be mine.

I have respect for other peoples views in any circumstance where their views do not impede on the rights of others. To try and lump personal choices such as whipped ice cream in with other personal choices such as abortion is silly and shows a lack of thought behind your position of respecting others viewpoints.

grindelwald wrote: »

If someone wants to smoke during their pregnancy it's up to them the baby may or may not be born with faulty DNA, tbh anyone can be born with faulty DNA not just children of smokers.

If you look at the point I made directly after I replied to you you will see I do not argue with a persons right to choose to smoke. I was only responding to your statement "her body, her choice." To me that post and that sentence reeked of selfishness and a lack of empathy and understanding. The baby in her womb is just as much her husbands as it is hers. Sure she can "choose" to do what she wants because she is in a position of power. Just like a man can beat his wife due to his position of power granted by extra strength. But in our society and in good relationships we work things out amicably rather than entirely based on positions of power.

And this is what this thread is about. He wants advice on how he can try and work out the situation with his wife. I don't think telling him he should shut up is very helpful.

I also recognise that carrying out a personal debate with you in his thread is unhelpful to so I will stop here.

OP - I think it will be tough but you must know her well enough to be able to convince her it is something she wants too. You cant expect her to quit on your orders but you can try and make her understand your feelings and hopefully that will be enough to spur her on.

cynder

shanek248 wrote: »

grindelwald wrote: »

I have respect for other peoples views in any circumstance where their views do not impede on the rights of others. To try and lump personal choices such as whipped ice cream in with other personal choices such as abortion is silly and shows a lack of thought behind your position of respecting others viewpoints.


If you look at the point I made directly after I replied to you you will see I do not argue with a persons right to choose to smoke. I was only responding to your statement "her body, her choice." To me that post and that sentence reeked of selfishness and a lack of empathy and understanding. The baby in her womb is just as much her husbands as it is hers. Sure she can "choose" to do what she wants because she is in a position of power. Just like a man can beat his wife due to his position of power granted by extra strength. But in our society and in good relationships we work things out amicably rather than entirely based on positions of power.

And this is what this thread is about. He wants advice on how he can try and work out the situation with his wife. I don't think telling him he should shut up is very helpful.

I also recognise that carrying out a personal debate with you in his thread is unhelpful to so I will stop here.

OP - I think it will be tough but you must know her well enough to be able to convince her it is something she wants too. You cant expect her to quit on your orders but you can try and make her understand your feelings and hopefully that will be enough to spur her on.

Your last bit is spot on.

Fyi soft whipped ice cream may contain a substance that can cause a miscarriage or still birth, Listeria can kill the unborn baby. One lick of a soft whipped ice cream could be catastrophic for the fetus.


should the husband give the wife a list of what she can and can't do while she is pregnant? No. She has her own free will. He knew she smoked before she got pregnant, by rights she should have stopped before they tried for a baby. This was always going to be an issue. The doctors are happy with her cutting down as it's better than smoking 24/7. I personally hate seeing pregnant women smoking. If she wants to smoke she will. There isn't much he can do, talking, distraction, support, TLC trying to be sympathetic to her desire to have a cigarette rather than tell her off or guilt trip her.

No where did I say that he should shut up.

A smoking ban in the house and car would be helpful for when baby is born.

Stheno

cambridge wrote: »

You were born prematurely by 2/3 weeks. Smoking is a risk factor for prematurity.

What do you work as? Do you have a high IQ. No need to answer. Smoking is a risk factor for low IQ and mental retardation.

Just fine may mean different things to different people.

My mother smoked when she was pregnant with me, about twenty a day, I was overdue, 10 pounds 9 ounces, and have an IQ in excess of 130

I've no health issues either as a result, but I have to say I cannot abide women who are pregnant smoking as the foetus has no choice but to live with what is imbibed

Neyite wrote: »

Op, its hard. I'm an ex smoker too and its really difficult to describe to someone who never smoked how addictive it is. I tried and failed loads of times to quit, I tried inhalers, gum, patches, cold turkey, books, hypnosis, and the only ones that gave me success were:

Self help book - Alan Carrs Easyway to stop smoking. This worked very well for me, my downfall was after about a year I thought I could have "the odd one" when I was out for a drink. Before I knew it, I was buying a pack a day again.

The second and last successful one: Paul McKenna Hypnosis. That was 5 years ago now, and I cannot recommened it enough. It was far easier than it ever was to quit before with this method. I just added it to my phone and played it going to sleep.

There are small things that can help cut down: Banning smoking in the house at all no matter what the weather. Banning smoking in the car. If need be, leave the cigarettes outside in the shed/ in the boot of the car so she cannot light one up without thinking, or putting on a jacket or stopping the car or whatever. These all help a little.

I'd explain to her that you love her and your child very much and will do anything to help her with this hard goal. Show your support even with her failed efforts, captiulating and having a smoke does not need to mean that she has to return to smoking entirely.

Good luck

Thanks Neyite, I'm going to try the Paul McKenna book, I've tried the Alan Carr book without success.

OP If your wife can take it while pregnant Champix might be an option, I'm not sure it's suitable for pregnant women though.

golden lane

it is a worry for you........i understand that, but you must be very careful, putting a pregnant woman under stress will do more harm to the baby.........

Abi

Smokers do not like looking at photographs of tarred insides because they don't want to have to face the reality of what it is doing to them. In much the same way, your wife knows it's wrong and carries possible health implications for the baby, but doesn't want to face this face either. The warnings are on the packets of cigarettes for a reason.

I'm the first born out of my lot. Quite often mothers go a bit over their due date on their first. I was born a month too early and badly under weight. I spent my first days in an incubator, and I don't think any parent wants that for their child.

I understand I'm being very finger-pointy at smoking pregnant women, but I'm living proof of what is written on the packets, and I'm just trying to drum home how important it is that you talk to your wife more about this.

I would avoid the lecture-y type approach, that is never going to go down well with a smoker. I would definitely look into this electronic cigarette for starters, and try to get her to cut right back.

Ideally, cutting them out altogether should have been done prior to becoming pregnant (where possible). That way the mother wouldn't have to go through withdrawals and the stress of cutting back while pregnant.

Both parents owe it to their unborn child to give him / her the best possible start.

Mink

cyning wrote: »

Also please try and make sure that she is been extremely honest with the doctors and midwives about the level of smoking: Go with her to some of the appointments if you have to.

I think the above is important, 20 a day is an awful lot, twice the effect of 10 a day and so on!


I'm not going to rehash what others have said re you needing to sit down & talk to her about it honestly. You might just have a break through and crack her on it.

I've heard great things about the Alan Carr book, even from the most skeptical people.

The major thing to get through, for at least cutting down, is getting away from routine/habits/triggers. And it goes without saying she'll need to stay away from other smokers, not even look at them smoking out the back. So you may need to speak to the rest of your family to get their support to not smoke anywhere near her, not have smoking paraphenalia out around her etc.

JustAThought

20 a day?
And pregnant?
It's so selfish & feckless it's shocking.

I agree with the many who say that as the father you HAVE to take a stand for your baby. Who else will ; this is your role.

Fair dues to you for trying to come up with a solution; it takes a lot of courage. And no matter what smokers & ex smokers say; it Is a totally selfish habit no matter how addictive or how you disclaim your responsibilities by saying how hard it is or how you " want to" as you light up. Try watching someone suffocate to death over two years with lung cancer. now , smoker,, try a bit harder.

If her family are all smokers I doubt that they will be playing the hard line in relation to your baby's health and mental welfare.

I don't know at all about the inhalers ( inhalers; what!!!!) as this surely is designed to pour the nicotine directly into your wifes & therefore your baby's lungs & bloodstream.

TBH how about a good hard talking to abiut yhe facts. What shes happy to do to your health too : as well as the babys. Cancer. Hardly a decision i think you would choose. Dosnt your baby have the right to a father as well as it's own health; she is happy risking both your healths for her comfort & lifestyle choice.

Pictures speak a thousand words . Might I suggest to have the hard conversation with her. Google & print a few hard photos. Ask her then why she's prepared to continue doing this to your baby; and you . You can pause a video & F12 screengrab an image. I think you would only need 3 or 4.
If she won't listen or discuss you can also make a one pager list of what her smoking is doing. Start with cancer, brain deformities, stunted growth, Lung diseases. Perhaps the bulleted list will stick in her mind. Nothing else appears to have worked ; yet.

If that baby is born with cleft pallette & taunted all it's young life, or has to go for surgeries, or has to spend it's first days or weeks hooked to a machine to breathe your wife will have no choice but to not smoke then because she will be spending her time with it in a hospital environment and they simply won't allow it. Push the dates back & let her know you won't stand for it; because nobody else really can do this for your baby now except you.

You might get materials ( I know they used do Leaflets & I think DVDs ) from ASH. You might also get helpful insights from the premature babies organisation; or from the Jack & Jill Foundation.

You migh also consider asking her ( as the baby can't) why she is also prepared to do this to your health. I mean; she knows this is what she is doing. Have you ever asked her that; probably not because you love her . You don't want to upset her or hurt her feelings.
But look at what she, who says she loves you, is prepared to do daily, to you. And your child.

Her desire, willpower & the medical team havng worked. Perhaps while there is still time & hope it's the time for cold hard facts & rules.
After all; it's not just her own health & future she is poisoning anymore; it's the baby's; the baby's father; and the families. What will you baby do when it has no mother because she is dead from smoking? It's on every box. Has she thought this far? Maybe it's now time to ask.

How Strange

I found the Alan Carr book excellent and for me it flicked a switch in my brain, made me see that smoking is disgusting and a waste of time money and your life and I knew after I read the book I would never smoke again. That was a huge conversion as I was like one of the two sisters from the simpsons before.

I said earlier about confronting your wife. Confronting may be the wrong word but you have to intervene because you are the child's dad and you are as much responsible for its welfare as your wife is.

Smoking that amount each day is grossly irresponsible so perhaps a middle ground must be reached where perhaps she has 2-3 a day. I don't condone smoking firing pregnancy but if she isn't open to giving up in which case she won't, she'll lie about it and will be under a lot of stress and you two will be constantly fighting then a couple a day may be a compromise.

I also think she has to be honest with her consultant/midwife. They will know anyway as soon as they see the placenta as they examine it after birth and can see the signs of damage due to smoking, drugs, alcohol.

I think the argument of mothers body/ mothers choice only goes do far. She also has a huge responsibility to protect that unborn child that is growing inside her so that means avoiding the long list of foods and substances which are known to potentially cause harm.

There's also the huge risk of SIDS after the baby is born because of smoking in the home. Even if she smokes outside and changes her clothes after each cigarette the baby will still be exposed to second hand smoke which is very dangerous to his/her system.

Most hospitals have a cessation nurse so perhaps you both could see him/her and discuss it and ways of stopping/cutting back.

The Big Red Button

grindelwald wrote: »

MY mother smoked all the way through mine and my brothers pregnancy and we turned out just fine we are 32 and 33 and have no health issues, we were born 2/3 weeks early weighing in at 7lbs and so many ounces.

An ex-colleague of mine planned a baby with her husband. Both very healthy, non-smokers, occasional drinkers. She spent six months taking folic acid and ensuring both their diets were in perfect shape, before they even began trying. She got pregnant straight away. Following a difficult pregnancy, she miscarried at eight months, and has been unable to get pregnant since.

Another ex-colleague of mine got pregnant, unplanned, at the age of nineteen. She smoke and drank heavily throughout the pregnancy, and ended up in hospital on more than one occasion as a result of falling when drunk (so badly that she broke ribs on one occasion.) She gave birth, three days past her due date, to a perfectly healthy happy little girl.

Both of the above are examples of anecdotal evidence. As is your example about you and your brother.

The scientific evidence, however, clearly shows a direct correlation between smoking during pregnancy, and numerous negative effects on both the foetus and the placenta. The foetus is simply not getting as much oxegen from a smoking mother as it would if the mother was not smoking. A quick Google will get you all the information you need about scientific research on this. There is extensive research done, and this is based on facts and statistics. Not on "my mother"; "my neighbour" sort of stories, but on cold hard evidence.

cynder

chatterpillar wrote: »

grindelwald wrote: »

MY mother smoked all the way through mine and my brothers pregnancy and we turned out just fine we are 32 and 33 and have no health issues, we were born 2/3 weeks early weighing in at 7lbs and so many ounces.

An ex-colleague of mine planned a baby with her husband. Both very healthy, non-smokers, occasional drinkers. She spent six months taking folic acid and ensuring both their diets were in perfect shape, before they even began trying. She got pregnant straight away. Following a difficult pregnancy, she miscarried at eight months, and has been unable to get pregnant since.

Another ex-colleague of mine got pregnant, unplanned, at the age of nineteen. She smoke and drank heavily throughout the pregnancy, and ended up in hospital on more than one occasion as a result of falling when drunk (so badly that she broke ribs on one occasion.) She gave birth, three days past her due date, to a perfectly healthy happy little girl.

Both of the above are examples of anecdotal evidence. As is your example about you and your brother.

The scientific evidence, however, clearly shows a direct correlation between smoking during pregnancy, and numerous negative effects on both the foetus and the placenta. The foetus is simply not getting as much oxegen from a smoking mother as it would if the mother was not smoking. A quick Google will get you all the information you need about scientific research on this. There is extensive research done, and this is based on facts and statistics. Not on "my mother"; "my neighbour" sort of stories, but on cold hard evidence.

AS I SAID BEFORE, I ONLY WROTE THAT TO GIVE HIM HOPE THAT HIS CHILD MIGHT NOT BE DEFORMED OR RETARDED. Hope that he might have a normal child or at least one with no medical or physical conditions.

Do you think if case number one up there was a smoker, that the doctors would have blamed the cigarettes?

As for stats the my mother, neighbour, sister, friend scenario they are all included in those stats, they are the hard evidence, not something written down in a book, real people with real stories.

Motorist

I believe the OP to be a troll. Only a complete knacker scumbag would smoke when prego.

January

Motorist, you were warned on the second post of the thread, also Orion posted a second warning on the thread too. Be civil or don't post at all. Also, if you suspect troll, report the post.

How Strange

grindelwald wrote: »

As for stats the my mother, neighbour, sister, friend scenario they are all included in those stats, they are the hard evidence, not something written down in a book, real people with real stories.

My mother smoked during all her pregnancies in the 70's and we're all perfectly healthy. She smoked at home until the mid 80's. Does that mean I'd smoke while pregnant with my children, or expose my child to cigarette smoke.Not a chance.

I'd say 80% of irish adults came from homes where one of their parents smoked. Smoking was endemic in Irish society up to very recently. So most of us have anecdotal stories. However we are now very aware of the real dangers of smoking. The medical facts of the dangers of smoking in pregnancy and around infants are well documented.

Vohnsom Hofmee

Orion wrote: »

Mod Note
Folks
There have been a few posts that I'm not happy with. If you look at the other forum I mod you'll see where I'm coming from.


Posts like these are not helpful.

• "I can't understand any woman not being willing to quit smoking for a mere 9 months for the sake of her baby. "
  
• "Maybe if she sees that she's behaving like a scumbag she'll stop?"
  
• "My niece smoked drank and took all kinds of recreational crap during her pregnancy. her son is permenantly damaged"

Posts like "Quitting was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Smoking is both a physical and psychological addiction." are informative.

And posts like "I would shift the focus to smoking when the baby is born." are helpful.

Please understand the difference and observe January's instruction: "I do not want any snide comments or digs at the OP's wife on this thread." Any posts similar to the unhelpful examples given above will be deleted and infracted without futher warning.

Personal note
Giving up smoking is the hardest thing I have ever done. It's horrendously difficult. the fact that smoking actually causes stress that results in more smoking is an intellectual argument that a smoker can't even fathom due to the addiction. I can't imagine what it would be like for a pregnant woman to try it at the same time as growing a baby.

My advice is similar to Sharrow's. Support your wife. Encourage her to quit/cut down rather than trying to force her to. Encourage the option of not smoking around the baby when it's born. If she ultimately quits then great. But you yourself will have to accept the fact that you cannot make her quit. Only she can make that decision for herself. As a former 40 a day smoker I can tell you this with full confidence - if she wants to quit she will, if she doesn't then she won't. All you can hope for is to get her buy-in that she won't smoke around the child after birth.

That's all well and good, but a lot of people simply do not have sympathy for somebody whose addiction causes harm to children.

January

Vohnsom Hofmee wrote: »

That's all well and good, but a lot of people simply do not have sympathy for somebody whose addiction causes harm to children.

If you have a problem with on thread moderation, PM the mod in question, do not argue on thread.

Our forum has a rule of being civil to other posters and no personal abuse. Calling someone a scumbag is personal abuse.

cynder

How Strange wrote: »

grindelwald wrote: »

As for stats the my mother, neighbour, sister, friend scenario they are all included in those stats, they are the hard evidence, not something written down in a book, real people with real stories.

My mother smoked during all her pregnancies in the 70's and we're all perfectly healthy. She smoked at home until the mid 80's. Does that mean I'd smoke while pregnant with my children, or expose my child to cigarette smoke.Not a chance.

I'd say 80% of irish adults came from homes where one of their parents smoked. Smoking was endemic in Irish society up to very recently. So most of us have anecdotal stories. However we are now very aware of the real dangers of smoking. The medical facts of the dangers of smoking in pregnancy and around infants are well documented.

I see where you are coming from. I don't smoke, I wouldn't allow my kids around someone that did, its my choice, others choose to take the risk, for some it works out, for others it does not, it all comes down to our personal choice.

What risks we are willing to take and what risks we are not willing to take. We cannot force our personal views on others. We are all entitled to do as we wish ( as long as it's not illegal) and smoking while pregnant is legal.

Orion

JustAThought wrote: »

20 a day?
And pregnant?
It's so selfish & feckless it's shocking.

Minimum 1 week ban for the next remark like this from anyone. I don't think I can make this any clearer. The OP asked for advice not for his wife to get abuse.