Nagging questions about GF's past

LegacyUser

Hi all

Long time poster going unreg for this. Would like to get some views; all comments from 'you're right to be worried' to 'stop being an unreasonable dick' are welcome.

Two years ago I was working in London and met and fell for a girl. We had a fling for a month and looking back on it I really fell for her. She said the same. The only reason it ended was because she was transferred to the Middle East for work. We stayed in contact for a bit but ultimately one month wasn't enough to build a long distance relationship on and we dropped out of contact (if I'm honest, it was me who stopped texting back).

I've been in a (failed) relationship since then but (for me at least) nobody before or since. could compare to the connection I had with her.

She got back in contact with me a few months ago. We agreed to meet up when I was in London on a business trip and we ended up getting together that night. Since then we've been doing LDR, we usually see each other on average for a weekend every 2-3 weeks with her coming to visit me or me going to London. We Skype or phone most nights. She says she loves me and I love her.

Now for the issues:

She had what I gather was an 'on-again, off-again' relationship with a married guy in another country for three years and I'm not sure whether she was in fact still with him during the month we were first together. I do know that they got back together during the hiatus we had and that he visited her abroad, etc.

Part of me says not to be judgmental about her past as I'm no angel myself but I would like to think I would never mess with a married woman. Part of me worries about the fact that she was prepared to hurt someone she didn't know by sleeping with their husband and I've never directly said this to her, it keeps nagging at me but I'm not sure how I could ever go about vocalising this to her. She tells me the guy was manipulative and had promised to leve his wife for her, but it takes two to tango right?

Secondly, we were together all last weekend and it was amazing. On the last night, she tells me that the ex (the married guy, although not sure if he still is) just happens to be going to the same uni to start a Masters that she will be at next year (also taking a year off work to do a Masters). Apparently she found this out through a friend and he didn't contact her directly. This is another thing: I'm not sure whether they're still in contact and I've never asked her straight out if they are. She says it doesn't matter that they'll be at the same uni and she won't be having anything to do with him as 'she loves me, I make her far happier then he ever did and she probably won't even speak to him or see him as it's a huge campus'.

The more suspicious part of me thinks that this can't be a coincidence that this dude is moving halfway across the world to start a Masters the same year that she is. The probability of this happening must be tiny.

My mind then works overtime and starts to think about me stuck here in Ireland, only seeing her every couple of weeks whereas this guy might start worming his way back into her affections and he has the home advantage. The thought of it tears me up inside.

She says she would never cheat on me. She's always doing lots of really thoughtful things for me, has gone out of her way to make me feel special when I go over to visit her, cooking dinner, organising stuff for us to do and she's always online to chat every night (sometimes for hours). I genuinely am in love with her. She says that if I had stayed in contact with her when she moved then she would never have got back with her ex.

I really want to trust her, but the married man thing is really wrecking my head even if it was in the past. Also, the odds of this guy going to the same uni as her in September must be tiny and I feel like I'm not getting the whole story on this. The next question is whether I should bring this up and even if I do, how can I avoid not sounding like an insecure / paranoid / judgmental prick?

Thanks for any and all responses.

silly

if you have questions to ask, you have a right to ask them.

If you have concerns about this man - you have a right to voice them.

Talk to her, tell her you are worried etc - hopefully she will be able to put your mind at ease.

LittleBook

unreg_1336969 wrote: »

Now for the issues:

She had what I gather was an 'on-again, off-again' relationship with a married guy in another country for three years and I'm not sure whether she was in fact still with him during the month we were first together. I do know that they got back together during the hiatus we had and that he visited her abroad, etc.

Part of me says not to be judgmental about her past as I'm no angel myself but I would like to think I would never mess with a married woman. Part of me worries about the fact that she was prepared to hurt someone she didn't know by sleeping with their husband and I've never directly said this to her, it keeps nagging at me but I'm not sure how I could ever go about vocalising this to her. She tells me the guy was manipulative and had promised to leve his wife for her, but it takes two to tango right?

I'd have trouble with this too, to be honest. There are certain things that we believe we would or wouldn't do and it's hard not to apply our own "standards" (such as they are) to the ones we love.

But you have to decide yourself if that's something that you can put in the past. Anyone can make a mistake and get sucked into a scenario that is difficult to extrictate themselves from and I'd imagine it's a lot easier to fool yourself and pretend the wife doesn't exist when that person is in a different country.

And, in general, I'm a "zero-tolerance" kind of person when it comes to cheating and cheaters.

Either you let it go or you don't.

BUT that's going to be a bit difficult when:

unreg_1336969 wrote: »

the ex (the married guy, although not sure if he still is) just happens to be going to the same uni to start a Masters that she will be at next year (also taking a year off work to do a Masters).

unreg_1336969 wrote: »

The more suspicious part of me thinks that this can't be a coincidence that this dude is moving halfway across the world to start a Masters the same year that she is. The probability of this happening must be tiny.

You've every right to be suspicious! And if she's naive enough to think it's just a coincidence then she's fooling herself. This is a ("manipulative") guy she was with for three years who now just happens to be going to the same university as her even though it involves leaving his wife (family?), his job and going to live in another country!

I would have no problem making THIS an issue and wouldn't worry for one second about coming across as insecure or paranoid. Even if I completely trusted my partner (which only you can decide) I would have definite reservations about his motives.

The problem now is you're moving into "just because he's there, doesn't mean she will" territory, which is where you will need to tread carefully. It's a really difficult one to call and my head would be wrecked too. But I don't think there's anything wrong with you voicing your concerns to your girlfriend and seeking some reassurance from her.

Long-distance relationships are hard enough without this kind of baggage.

Good luck.

Distorted

You had a month long fling two years ago, dumped her by letting it fade out without ending it properly, get together again with her, sort of, by seeing her every few weeks for a short period, and then question what she did when she was single?

That would be like her accusing you of stringing both her and the other woman you saw in this time along and then dumping them. Sounds to me like she's hedging her bets, but you sound flakey to me, and I wouldn't blame her.

Oh, and by the way, she isn't the one who is "cheating". Its the married guy. Although tbh I'd ask her for the details rather than what you think might have happened.

What is it that makes this so important to you? Do you intend to marry her and is it important that she has little previous romantic history? If not, I'd simply chill and see how the relationship develops, albeit finding out a little more information from the horse's mouth.

Big Bag of Chips

I don't think you are being unreasonable in your fears/thoughts/nagging questions.. where you are being unreasonable, is in not letting her know about them.

If you can't be honest and open with her what is the point of a relationship with her?

If you end up together long term, she will be going along happily thinking that everything is fine, and you will be going along, gently seething underneath at the thoughts of not being able to talk to her about this.

Eventually it will end your relationship.

Always in a relationship you should be comfortable enough with your partner to be able to talk to them about anything. You should be able to voice your concerns without fear of her reaction, and her likewise. How would you like if it was the other way around - and there was something really really bothering her about you, but she felt unable to discuss it with you...?

Talk to her, as someone else mentioned - if she really cares for you and is serious about your relationship, she should be able to be honest with you and put your fears to rest.

The Big Red Button

I'd generally be of the opinion that what happened in the past with previous partners is best left in the past.

I know it must be difficult to be doing the long-distance thing from the very beginning of the relationship, when you're still getting to know each other, and it's not surprising that there would be trust issues there - even if you didn't know anything about her past.

unreg_1336969 wrote: »

Now for the issues:

She had what I gather was an 'on-again, off-again' relationship with a married guy in another country for three years and I'm not sure whether she was in fact still with him during the month we were first together. I do know that they got back together during the hiatus we had and that he visited her abroad, etc.

Part of me says not to be judgmental about her past as I'm no angel myself but I would like to think I would never mess with a married woman. Part of me worries about the fact that she was prepared to hurt someone she didn't know by sleeping with their husband and I've never directly said this to her, it keeps nagging at me but I'm not sure how I could ever go about vocalising this to her. She tells me the guy was manipulative and had promised to leve his wife for her, but it takes two to tango right?

Hmmm. I understand that you have concerns about her morals ... but my own personal view would be that the man was the only person doing anything "wrong" here. She wasn't the one cheating. And if she had really fallen hard for this guy, maybe she was just naive, maybe she honestly did believe that he was going to leave his wife.

I'd stick with the basic hard facts here. Yes, she has a history with the guy - but she didn't do anything wrong.

That's my own opinion, I guess it depends really on your own moral compass etc. If you do feel like her behaviour reflects badly on her; if what you know about what happened makes you lose respect for her, then it's probably something you need to discuss further with her alright.

Honestly, if I were in your position, I'd maybe have a brief chat about it, so that I was sure of the facts, and then I'd forget it and move on. We all have pasts.

Are you concerned, though, that she actually cheated on you with him before? If she was involved in casual low-commitment flings with both of ye at the same time back then, well it's not the ideal situation, but she still technically didn't do anything wrong. It is something you might need to just ask her upfront about (although, if she wasn't cheating on you, it may be quite upsetting for her if she feels she's being accused in the wrong - so tread carefully!)

unreg_1336969 wrote: »

Secondly, we were together all last weekend and it was amazing. On the last night, she tells me that the ex (the married guy, although not sure if he still is) just happens to be going to the same uni to start a Masters that she will be at next year (also taking a year off work to do a Masters). Apparently she found this out through a friend and he didn't contact her directly. This is another thing: I'm not sure whether they're still in contact and I've never asked her straight out if they are. She says it doesn't matter that they'll be at the same uni and she won't be having anything to do with him as 'she loves me, I make her far happier then he ever did and she probably won't even speak to him or see him as it's a huge campus'.

The more suspicious part of me thinks that this can't be a coincidence that this dude is moving halfway across the world to start a Masters the same year that she is. The probability of this happening must be tiny.

My mind then works overtime and starts to think about me stuck here in Ireland, only seeing her every couple of weeks whereas this guy might start worming his way back into her affections and he has the home advantage. The thought of it tears me up inside.

You've never asked her straight out if she's still in contact with him - do this. Sit down, have a good honest open chat. Clear the air, ask whatever you feel you need to ask. And then leave it in the past (unless the discussion raises any new doubts or issues - but cross that bridge when/if you come to it!)

I know, in long-distance relationships, if you only get a small amount of time together, you don't want to risk wasting it by potentially getting involved in an argument. But I don't think you'll be able to move on with the relationship until you get answers.

If, having spoken to her about it, you're happy that she's over him and that she loves you - well, it's up to you to decide whether you can trust her or not? Only you can know that. Trust is about the most fundamental requirement for any relationship - but even moreso in a long-distance one.

Personally, if I loved someone, and believed that they loved and respected me, I would be inclined to give them the benefit of the doubt in this sort of situation. It's a decision only you can make, though.

unreg_1336969 wrote: »

She says she would never cheat on me. She's always doing lots of really thoughtful things for me, has gone out of her way to make me feel special when I go over to visit her, cooking dinner, organising stuff for us to do and she's always online to chat every night (sometimes for hours). I genuinely am in love with her. She says that if I had stayed in contact with her when she moved then she would never have got back with her ex.

I really want to trust her, but the married man thing is really wrecking my head even if it was in the past. Also, the odds of this guy going to the same uni as her in September must be tiny and I feel like I'm not getting the whole story on this. The next question is whether I should bring this up and even if I do, how can I avoid not sounding like an insecure / paranoid / judgmental prick?

Forget about this guy and any possible motives he might have. If you trust her, it shouldn't matter what his intentions are. If, when they're in the same college, he starts trying it on with her, it's up to her to deal with the situation appropriately (e.g. by making it clear to him that she's not interested, and by avoiding him.) You don't need to trust him, at all, you only need to be able to trust her.

Do you think she'll have a problem with having a good open conversation about all of this? It's an opportunity for her to raise any concerns she may be having, too. Hopefully one honest non-confrontational chat will be all that's required, she'll quite likely welcome the opportunity to put your mind at ease once and for all.

fungun

I dont think you can judge her past, and I wouldnt bring that bit up at all if I were you....its impossible to judge any situation from the outside.

What you are really worried about is the same worry that is there in any LDR - that someone local who is 'there' will become more real to her than you, sitting over here. Especially so because she has an ex on the same campus.

She says she loves you, would never cheat on you and you have no evidence she has cheated in the past. So I kinda think why are you worried any more so than a normal LDR if you trust her?

However....bits that you may have left out in your post: she was sleeping with a married man who lived in another country, yet found out that he was coming to her Uni through a friend. If that is all you know I would explore that detail, seems odd that if she had a foreign lover that he would still be in touch with her friends and end up at the same Uni. If you are suspicious of this then Id gently poke at how that happened and how she knows.

I think vocalising your worry about his motives would be ok - but when it comes down to it all you can do is trust her reassurance. If you dont trust/believe her, then a LDR in this situation isnt going to work for you, you will get eaten up inside.

P. Breathnach

OP, in your position I'd be out the door so fast that you wouldn't believe I was ever there.

First, I'd have issues with her having a long-term relationship with a married man. It tells me something about her attitude to commitment: she did not show any concern for her lover's formal commitment to another woman. That's the past.

Second, look at the present and the prospective near future. The possibility of his turning up by chance at the same university as her stretches credulity beyond breaking point. At the very kindest interpretation, it looks as if he is pursuing her. The reassurance she seems to have offered you looks very thin to me.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the responses, it's been really helpful and putting it down in writing has cleared my head about it a lot.

Some of my thoughts:

1. It's not that I have a huge moral issue or am judging her about her previous relationship with the married guy, or that I cling on to to some old-fashioned notion of 'purity'. I've a bit of history myself and I'm not so insecure that the number of previous partners would bother me if I loved someone and they loved me. Whether she had 1 or 10 or 20 partners before me would be irrelevant (FWIW, she tells me that me and him are the only two guys she's slept with). I guess what bothers me is that I think I might get hurt the way the married guy's wife did, not sure whether this is selfish or illogical or not.

2. I totally agree that the past is the past and nobody has the right to judge anyone for it. If this guy wasn't suddenly 're-appearing' in her life in what are (to me at least) suspicious circumstances I wouldn't even be posting this and there would be no issue whatsoever.

3. The month 'fling' we had was never intended by either of us to turn into a LDR thereafter. We both agreed to stay in touch but the suggestion I dumped her is totally wrong IMO as neither of us made any commitment to continue anything then. I also wouldn't think she was cheating on me with the'other guy', if indeed she was with him back then (I don't know and have never asked and don't plan to). What I do need reassurance on is that it's all me now and I don't have that.

4. I genuinely believe her intention when she says she loves me and wouldn't cheat, but I have serious concerns about this guy and if he was prepared to cheat on his wife while stringing my GF along then I don't doubt his ability to try and worm his way back into her life.

My plan is to have a chat about it and be as non-confrontational and non-judgmental as possible, but to tell her it's been playing on my mind and I really need some reassurance that it's truly over with this guy, especially as he'll be in the same campus as her. I want to know that there's been no contact and I need more clarity on the circumstances that led to his coincidentally turing up at her uni next year: the way I see it, either he's pursing it or I'm not getting the full picture from her.

I really hope it works out. I feel like I need to sort it out now though, it's difficult enough already and it'll be 10 times harder down the line if we don't work it out I think.

RDM_83 again

Here is some advice that is that you probably should not follow, however i'm putting it forward as an option.

The the next time your over physically over at hers you should ask to see her emails, facebook, phone and skype (or other chat) accounts.

Now you will seem (and be) a controlling, untrusting person with bad characteristics if you do this,
however she did tell you she found out about him going to that university through a friend, and that it doesn;t matter that he's there "she probably won't even speak to him or see him as it's a huge campus'."

You could attempt to mitigate the fact that what you would be doing is a pretty gross invasion of privacy by doing this all in front of her, and show that your not looking in the content of any of the messages only the dates and amounts of contact between them, and afterwards telling her too change her passwords and that you will never interfere in her private life again and you need to do this to put your own insecurities to rest.

I know this seems very harsh and paranoid advice however it may be better to be a bad untrusting person now rather than the some of the alternatives as do you genuinely think she 'found out through a friend', and the fact that he's moving across half the world just to go to that certain university.

LegacyUser

RDM_83 again wrote: »

Here is some advice that is that you probably should not follow, however i'm putting it forward as an option.

The the next time your over physically over at hers you should ask to see her emails, facebook, phone and skype (or other chat) accounts.

Now you will seem (and be) a controlling, untrusting person with bad characteristics if you do this,
however she did tell you she found out about him going to that university through a friend, and that it doesn;t matter that he's there "she probably won't even speak to him or see him as it's a huge campus'."

You could attempt to mitigate the fact that what you would be doing is a pretty gross invasion of privacy by doing this all in front of her, and show that your not looking in the content of any of the messages only the dates and amounts of contact between them, and afterwards telling her too change her passwords and that you will never interfere in her private life again and you need to do this to put your own insecurities to rest.

I know this seems very harsh and paranoid advice however it may be better to be a bad untrusting person now rather than the some of the alternatives as do you genuinely think she 'found out through a friend', and the fact that he's moving across half the world just to go to that certain university.

No offence intended, but I am absolutely not doing that. If someone asked me to do that they'd be sent packing so I wouldn't expect any different if I did.

Distorted

unreg_1336969 wrote: »

3. What I do need reassurance on is that it's all me now and I don't have that.

4. I genuinely believe her intention when she says she loves me and wouldn't cheat, but I have serious concerns about this guy and if he was prepared to cheat on his wife while stringing my GF along then I don't doubt his ability to try and worm his way back into her life.

I really hope it works out. I feel like I need to sort it out now though, it's difficult enough already and it'll be 10 times harder down the line if we don't work it out I think.

I still think you're overthinking it. It sounds like you've already had the reassurance you request in your point (3). You've been seeing each other every 2 -3 weeks for a few months. How much committment can you expect at that stage, beyond what she has already told you? Wedding type vows? To promise that she will never leave you? You are in danger of coming across as jealous and controlling if you disbelieve her.

Yes, further clarify the issues that need clarifying - do her and the "married man" intend to do the same university course because they are in the same field of work for example? Was the married man in fact seperated when they got together - you don't even seem to know that. Did he lie to her, is she trying to drop him, is he now single?). From what you write, she doesn't sound that keen on him. In your point (4) though you seem to think that she has no free will of her own to make up her own mind about what she does and doesn't want.

It shouldn't be "difficult" at the beginning of a relationship. You sound really insecure and I wonder whether thats because its a ldr and not because of anything she is doing or isn't doing. I hope she finds this trait in you attractive, because I know it would have some women running for the hills. Sometimes people don't meet all your pre-concieved ideas of perfection in terms of background and experience at the beginning of a relationship, but for goodness sake, don't stifle the relationship before it gets a chance to get going!

Bit surprised by some of the suggestions on here.