Hurt by boyfriend withholding affection

LegacyUser

My boyfriend and I have been together for about 7 years and lived together for 3 of those. Over the last year he’s been promoted and his working hours have gone from 9-5 to 8-8 (9 or 10pm). He’s extremely tired both physically and mentally, to the point that he’s usually home about an hour before going to bed. He’s starting a new job shortly which has much shorter working hours so our relationship should (hopefully) return to normal.

My question is this: In the last year we’ve slept together only once, to be honest he’s barely touched me in the last year beyond a hug. I totally understand that he’s been exhausted and the only thing he wants to do when he’s has any free time is relax but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m extremely hurt by the loss of our physical relationship. He’s not the type of person to talk about bedroom problems out but I don’t feel I can return to normal without discussing with him how rejected I feel.

Do you think it’s unreasonable of me to let him know how hurt I feel or should I just let it go?

P. Breathnach

If the new job is due to start very soon, can you bring yourself to wait a bit?

Assuming that normal relations resume, you could then make your point in a positive context along the lines of "I'm glad to have you back; I had been missing you."

LegacyUser

Thank you for the replies. Your both right, maybe now when he's crawling in the door at 8 or 10 pm isn't the time to talk about it but we do have to talk and soon. He talks about the future and makes plans so I don't think he's thinking of ending it but we (or I) just can't go on this way. It actually feels odd when he hugs me now, I just so unused to physical contact. Thanks again.

Beruthiel

FeelingRejected wrote: »

I don’t feel I can return to normal without discussing with him how rejected I feel.

Do you think it’s unreasonable of me to let him know how hurt I feel or should I just let it go?

He has hardly touched you in a year.
It would be remiss of you not to discuss this in great detail with him.
You don't just ignore someone for a year and still believe that all is rosey in the garden.
You need to explain to him the wedge he has brought between you.

LegacyUser

Beruthiel wrote: »

He has hardly touched you in a year.
It would be remiss of you not to discuss this in great detail with him.
You don't just ignore someone for a year and still believe that all is rosey in the garden.
You need to explain to him the wedge he has brought between you.

Thank you. Yes it has caused a real wedge between us. I think the worst part is that he is so oblivious to how much of an issue this has become. I have tried to bring it up a couple of times over the last year but he has instantly gone on the defensive and said something along the lines of "you know how busy I am in work why can’t you just accept that". Usually after this I feel guilty about nagging him and let it go. Our relationship has become so platonic were more like room mates that share a bed! Its really affecting my self-esteem too, it’s very hard to feel good about yourself when the person you want to spend the rest of your life with doesn’t even kiss you.

Thanks again for your advice.

ihsb

You have to sit him down on one of his days off. When he is feeling a little more relaxed and explain to him how it is effecting how you feel about yourself and what it is doing to your self-esteem.

It might be difficult for him to hear but if he cares about you he will take it on board and hopefully make changes. I understand he is tired etc. but there is morning sex, days off etc. Let him know if things do not get better when he starts his new job then things will have to be looked at (maybe counselling). Good luck!

miec

Hi Op

Do you mind me asking if your other half has had weekends free and any holidays since his hours increased and if so how was he with you during those periods?

LegacyUser

miec wrote: »

Hi Op

Do you mind me asking if your other half has had weekends free and any holidays since his hours increased and if so how was he with you during those periods?

He's had to work at least one day of the weekend at least twice per month for the last 6 months. He also has not had any holiday time. He uses this time to "recover" from the long hours he's been working, which I understand to an extent, Id be tired too if I was working his hours.

Reading what I just wrote makes me realise maybe I am expecting to much, he's working too much and something has to give. I know he loves me and he's been very suportive of me of me through some awful times the last few years. Im sure things will get better when his work load eases up.

Thank you for the replies everyone.

x Purple Pawprints x

Talk to him again OP. Explain to him that you're feeling rejected and you miss the phyisical aspect of the relationship. Him asking you to just accept it is selfish IMO. I know he works long hours but in all fairness, it doesn't take a huge amount of effort to give you a hug or a kiss to make you feel wanted. That's not too much to ask from the person you love.

PlainP

He shouldn't be too tired to give you a hug or kisses when he's not at work.

You are missing the emotional intimacy that comes not with sex but with just those small moments that you share with your other half when you both need each other.

You need to take the bull by the horns and explain to him that yes sex is important but you know that he works a lot and is very tired but it doesn't take much effort to cuddle up on the couch or just hold hands, or just for him to be there for those big bear hugs that everyone should get from their OH when they're feeling down or just because he loves you.

From your posts you sound like you are making excuses for him (he works a lot, he's very tired) those small moments of intimacy don't take much effort but are worth so much.

There could be underlying issues for him and he is not talking to you about these.

You deserve to feel loved and wanted in your relationship.

I hope it works out for you.

LegacyUser

PlainP wrote: »

He shouldn't be too tired to give you a hug or kisses when he's not at work.

You are missing the emotional intimacy that comes not with sex but with just those small moments that you share with your other half when you both need each other.

You need to take the bull by the horns and explain to him that yes sex is important but you know that he works a lot and is very tired but it doesn't take much effort to cuddle up on the couch or just hold hands, or just for him to be there for those big bear hugs that everyone should get from their OH when they're feeling down or just because he loves you.

From your posts you sound like you are making excuses for him (he works a lot, he's very tired) those small moments of intimacy don't take much effort but are worth so much.

There could be underlying issues for him and he is not talking to you about these.

You deserve to feel loved and wanted in your relationship.

I hope it works out for you.

Yeah I’m definitely making excuses, I guess I’m afraid of facing up to that he doesn’t find me attractive anymore. It’s easier to accept that he’s tired and things will get better. Throughout the years he complimented me daily on how I look, even if I was just wearing an old pair of jean but over the last year that’s completely stopped.

Although I’m creeping up to 30 I don’t think I look that different than when we meet, I’ve put on 5 pounds over the last year but it’s only noticeable to me. If anything I’ve probably become easier to live with as I got older as I’m more secure with myself. But maybe he’s just grown tired of me. I just don’t know, I guess the only way to find out is by talking to him.
Thank you for the advice.