Assaulted and now i'm so alone

LegacyUser

I recently moved to Asia for work.

I've been trying to make friends and meet lots of new people. I went out on Saturday night and I ended up being attacked by a guy in the group.

On Sunday morning I went around to the house of my friend/guy i'm seeing here. I wasn't planning on telling him I just didn't want to be alone.

I eventually told him. His reaction was quite hurtful and along the lines of what do you expect me to do about it. I asked him could i stay with him because I didn't want to be alone. he refused.

I don't know what to do. I'm so alone here. I thought that he was my friend and I'm just so ashamed that I told him. I wish I hadn't said anything.

I don't know what to do though. I can't report it to the police here. I don't want to have to move home and explain why I failed at living here. I just don't know how I can go on from this point.

I'm just so alone and it feels horrible.

Starokan

Don't feel bad for feeling this way, you have been through a traumatic experience, of course you feel alone and hurt. After something traumatic we generally confide in family and friends and that avenue is not open to you.

Make no rash decisions about moving home but know that if you do no one will judge you, its no biggie to move home from a foreign country, many people have done this as they could not settle, you do not have to divulge the real reasons unless you wish too.

If you decide to stay seek some help, if its not possible to find someone to talk too where you live then you can contact free services such as the samaritans by email.

If you stay lose the friend/guy you are seeing immediately, if he could not be there for you through this then he will never be there for you. Walk away now.

As for the guy who attacked you, if its not possible to go to the police there is little you can do other than perhaps making others in the group aware of what he did.

Is it possible for you to confide in someone in management where you work, would the company have any procedures in place to help you?

looksee

Agree with everything that Staroken said, especially about moving home if you feel you need to. However don't be in too much of a rush to do that, give yourself a bit of time.

I also suggest you take your time about making friends. There is no need to rush into friendship with everyone you meet. The group you have found does not seem very reliable but if there is one other person that you feel you would like to ask to go for coffee with, you could start building a friendship that will be more reliable.

I have been in your situation of being abroad and starting new friendships. As always there are some good people and there are some unreliable ones. You will also be meeting people from different backgrounds to yourself and what might be normal behaviour for one person could easily be interpreted completely differently by someone from a different background. You have as much responsibility to be aware and tread carefully as they have. If you were at home you would find it much easier to read people and sus them out, where you are you cannot take it for granted, you have to rely on intuition and common sense.

Have a look round if there are any clubs or groups you could join, people who have gone to the trouble of getting to know people in an interest group will have been 'vetted' a bit by other members.

Hang in there, I gather you were not physically injured, but you were frightened? Give yourself a chance to recover then venture out a bit more cautiously

Edit: I don't want to sound dismissive of your experience, in talking about the future I am just building on what Starokan said, without repeating it all. If you were physically injured of course the first thing you must do is at least get some medical help and advice. It seemed to me though that you were mostly feeling shocked, frightened and let down, and rightly so. Living abroad is a big adventure and a life changing experience, I hope you can pick up the threads and enjoy your stay there.

P. Breathnach

Hi, lostinAsia. I am very troubled reading your post, because I really want to be able to do something to make things a bit better for you, or at least a bit less horrible.

Don't bring guilt feelings on to yourself because other people treated you badly. You have no reason to feel shame because you told somebody about your experience, believing he was a friend. Indeed you should be angry (as I am) that he turned his back on you.

You don't say where you are, what exactly happened, or why you think you cannot involve the police. You don't have to tell us, and I'm not going to argue with you. But you need a friend.

There should be an Irish consul somewhere in whatever part of the world you are - maybe half an hour away, maybe half a day. The consular service is there for you, so consider asking for consular assistance. Start here: http://www.dfa.ie/home/index.aspx?id=40361.

I hope you get the help you need. I'm in your corner, cheering for you.

LegacyUser

I was sexually assaulted.

I'm in two minds about whether to tell my supervisor in work. Where i work they don't believe in sick days and I've only really started my contract so it would be unwise of me to take time off.

I just feel like because of the reaction of the other guy, if I tell my supervisor then he'll react the same way and i'll feel even worse. But i had to go to work today and I was crying and it was awful.

If any of you are guys, could you tell me how you would react to this? A girl tells you this and you are her supervisor. Would you rather not know?

I just feel so alone.

P. Breathnach

lostinAsia wrote: »

I was sexually assaulted.

I'm in two minds about whether to tell my supervisor in work. Where i work they don't believe in sick days and I've only really started my contract so it would be unwise of me to take time off.

That really is a horrible context. I can't even imagine how difficult that must be for you.

I just feel like because of the reaction of the other guy, if I tell my supervisor then he'll react the same way and i'll feel even worse. But i had to go to work today and I was crying and it was awful.

Poor you. One betrayal by somebody that you thought should be on your side is awful. A second would be - well, words fail me.

If any of you are guys, could you tell me how you would react to this? A girl tells you this and you are her supervisor. Would you rather not know?

I'm male. Yes, I would like you to have enough trust in me to be able to tell me. I'd want to hug you, but would know that physical contact with males is probably the last thing you would want. And I'd do what I could to help you through a really bad time, starting with finding a counselling service, whatever the local equivalent of the Rape Crisis Centre is.

But your supervisor might be quite different from me, possibly from an entirely different cultural background. So my reaction might be no guide to your supervisor's reaction.

I just feel so alone.

I know that a few words on a computer screen are but a small thing but if, for the moment, that is all you have, keep talking to us.

Have you thought of looking for an Irish consul? Can you talk to family or friends in Ireland?

LegacyUser

lostinAsia wrote: »

I was sexually assaulted.

I'm in two minds about whether to tell my supervisor in work. Where i work they don't believe in sick days and I've only really started my contract so it would be unwise of me to take time off.

I just feel like because of the reaction of the other guy, if I tell my supervisor then he'll react the same way and i'll feel even worse. But i had to go to work today and I was crying and it was awful.

If any of you are guys, could you tell me how you would react to this? A girl tells you this and you are her supervisor. Would you rather not know?

I just feel so alone.

Please seek help, don't see seeking help as a weakness. If you don't find help at work, talk to a trusted family member back home. Ignore your friend guy, do not use his reaction as the norm, not sure what country you are in but call the dfa 0035314780822. Please look after yourself, do not ignore this and hope it will go away. Have you a female manager or boss that you trust?

uck51js9zml2yt

Lost I really think you should report the assault to the police. Why do you feel you cant report it?
I don't know what country you are in but you can get assistance from your local embassy or Consul.

I'm male btw but like said earlier, dump your friend. He's not worth you spending your time on.
I dont know about talking to your supervisor. I assume its a male. Do you have a HR department with a female working in it. You might be able to get some support from there.

snafuk35

lostinAsia wrote: »

I recently moved to Asia for work.

I've been trying to make friends and meet lots of new people. I went out on Saturday night and I ended up being attacked by a guy in the group.

On Sunday morning I went around to the house of my friend/guy i'm seeing here. I wasn't planning on telling him I just didn't want to be alone.

I eventually told him. His reaction was quite hurtful and along the lines of what do you expect me to do about it. I asked him could i stay with him because I didn't want to be alone. he refused.

I don't know what to do. I'm so alone here. I thought that he was my friend and I'm just so ashamed that I told him. I wish I hadn't said anything.

I don't know what to do though. I can't report it to the police here. I don't want to have to move home and explain why I failed at living here. I just don't know how I can go on from this point.

I'm just so alone and it feels horrible.

It's not your fault that you were attacked and it is not your fault that this so-called friend did not want to know about it.
Why can't you report it to the local police? Contact the Irish embassy and look for advice while you are at it.
If you really feel you have to go home and to get out of there then do it.
Your family will understand if you were attacked and you couldn't stand living there.
Maybe you need to come home where you are safe and you can work things out with people who can help you?

travellingbid

You poor girl. My heart goes out to you. Mods is there anything we can do to help from here if she lets us know where she is exactly??? Maybe someone within the boards community knows someone where she is and can help. I'm sure there are loads reading this who would hate to think of a family member or friend in this situation. There must be something we can do.

thefeatheredcat

Your friend's reaction is no reflection on you or the awful experience you had. You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed about, especially in confiding someone you know and trust.

If the company values employees you should be able to talk to someone about it. Is there anything like a HR manager that also acts like an in house counselor that employees can contact with various work and personal issues?

Given that you are relatively new to the company in a different country, is there anyone that is given to you as a central point of contact in general (like someone who would give orientation to your way around, getting accommodation, where to shop) that you feel you could talk to?

If you feel that you can't confide in your supervisor for any reason, then certainly do contact the Irish Embassy. Embassies do help people in general, at least they might be able to provide you with some assistance, support or recommend someone to talk to or even provide you with an Irish connection to a community there that would be willing to help you.

If you end up moving home, don't worry. Nobody is going to think the less of you, even without knowing what happened.

midlandsmissus

Megan Dazzling Rubbish wrote: »

Lost I really think you should report the assault to the police. Why do you feel you cant report it?
I don't know what country you are in but you can get assistance from your local embassy or Consul.

I'm male btw but like said earlier, dump your friend. He's not worth you spending your time on.
I dont know about talking to your supervisor. I assume its a male. Do you have a HR department with a female working in it. You might be able to get some support from there.

Most people don't report it.

It is a very unique trauma, and you go through a lot of shock and denial, detachment and blaming yourself in the aftermath.

OP you will go through a lot of different emotions in the aftermath. It's a tough time, but you will get through it. Try to think think he's the scumbag, nothing to do with you. Try to see that it's normal that you blame yourself, it's an involuntary coping mechanism, your brain tries to find some way to cope with what happened, but it's not true, it's all about him and his act.

PM me if you'd like because I went through it last year and really think I could help you, sending you love, you can get through this!

Be kind to yourself, and we are sending you kindness x

Ickle Magoo

midlandsmissus, please do not ask that posters get into private consul with you - to do so is against the PI charter.

If you haven’t done so already, please take the time to read the [URL=" http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056181484"]forum rules[/URL] in the charter.

Many thanks.


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NeonCookies

Hi OP

Just to say I'm really sorry to hear what happened to you. I recently moved to Asia too - Japan to be specific, and I can't imagine being in the situation you are in. I'm here with my boyfriend and even then it can feel lonely sometimes, and that's without something despicable happening to me!

If you can, please try to find some help or someone to talk to. If you are in Japan, I could ask some of my coworkers (all foreign, some have been here for years) if they know of any good places you could go for support and I can post them on this thread.

If you feel the need to go home, do. No one will think any less of you. If you don't want to give the real reason just say you couldn't settle, culture shock etc. Anyone who has tried to live in Asia can vouch for you on that!

Above all, remember you are not alone in this. One guys horrible reaction does not mean everyone will be the same to you.

LegacyUser

OP, this has happened to me so hard as it is to think about, I really wanted to try help you.

I came home. Like you, I battled with it and thought people would think less of me etc., but the fact was that the support I needed just wasn't available there. I went to a bogus counsellor who tried to tell me the incident was partially my fault and I just found it so hard to find any kind of help. It's a completely different culture over there and not so accepting of speaking out about this kind of thing.

I came home a few months ago and I won't lie....it's been really really tough. I didn't tell anyone for so long and it killed me. But when I did, things started to slowly improve, even though I didn't see it at the time. I found a great psychologist who I've stuck with since and it's down to him that I'm still around; him and the amazing friends I have around me.

You CAN do this. I spent those first few months in a living hell and when I was in Asia I thought my life was over - I couldn't see any way out. I felt like a failure - a fcuk up. But now, I've told some close friends - not everything, but enough that they know I need their support. I've learned to accept that support after months of fighting it. I have a job, after losing the one I got when I arrived back here, and I've met someone who has accepted me despite knowing everything that happened - something I never thought possible.

I wouldn't advise you to talk to your supervisor because I know from experience that they may not understand due to the cultural differences and the impact of that could affect you really badly. You need people around you that you can trust. You need your friends.

It's a tough decision to make to come home, but the relief you feel once you make it is immense. I decided on the Friday and caught a flight the Saturday. Once I allowed myself to see it as a possibility, I realised just how much I wanted to be home. It doesn't make you any less of a person, it really doesn't. It means you want to look after yourself and help yourself and that's all anyone can try to do in this situation.

I am so so sorry that this happened to you. But please, believe me when I say that things can get better. God I know just how horrible it feels, I still feel it every day - but I get through. I get through it; I HAVE got through it, and so can you. You are worth so much more than this. Please keep posting here and I'll help all I can, we're all here for you. I know you must feel so incredibly isolated; I remember going into work and sitting on the bathroom floor crying for an hour wondering what the hell I was going to do, not being able to move because I just couldn't see any way forward. I get it. This is hard for me to write and hard for me to read, but please, don't disappear - stay here and we'll get you home or get you help. There's always a way.

midlandsmissus

How are you now?

P. Breathnach

midlandsmissus wrote: »

How are you now?

We are not supposed to ask for updates. My hope is that lostinAsia found a more immediate line of help.

midlandsmissus

Okay.

Ickle Magoo

midlandsmissus,

As stated in the forum charter:

Do not ask for updates/to be kept updated - this prevents threads turning into blogs or soap operas for others amusement and avoids puting pressure on the original poster to return to the thread.

P. Breathnach, if you have/see an issue with a post please use the report function and let the moderators deal with it rather than back-seat modding.

Cheers.